It almost seems strange to even ask that question but Tim Keller’s latest book on marriage entitled, “The Meaning of Marriage” has a lot of people talking.

In the book he states,

In other words, some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love and consolation, a “haven in a heartless world,” as Christopher Lasch describes it. Rather, they are looking for someone who will accept them as they are, complement their abilities and fulfill their sexual and emotional desires. This will indeed require a woman who is “a novelist/astronaut with a background in fashion modeling,” and the equivalent in a man. A marriage based not on self-denial but on self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you. Simply put—today people are asking far too much in the marriage partner.

Any two people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other things means to be self-centered—living life incurvatus in se. As author Denis de Rougemont said, “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love … ?” That is why a good marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than athletic or artistic prowess. Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature? Indeed, many people who have mastered athletics and art have failed miserably at marriage. So the biblical doctrine of sin explains why marriage—more than anything else that is good and important in this fallen world—is so painful and hard.

I know Keller’s words sound so unromantic (according to culture), but in a world where we know how to fall in love but are rather clueless on how to stay in love, I think his words have a certain wisdom.

My thoughts: Marriage is work. A good marriage is even more work. And I think it’s worth every minute of it.

So what do you think? Do you have the right expectations for marriage?

“When Chris Beall, my new star worship leader, confessed to me that he’d been unfaithful to his wife Cindy—I could have vomited on the spot.

Overwhelming emotions flooded my heart. Shock. Disappointment. Anger. Sadness.

Questions pelted my mind like hail smashing against a sidewalk during a storm? How did this happen? Why didn’t I see it? What am I going to tell our church? What will Cindy do? Will their marriage survive this blow?

I’ll never forget seeing the deep and seemingly unrecoverable hurt in Cindy’s eyes when she discovered the devastating truth…” (Craig Groeschel)

This powerful opening from the foreword of my friend Cindy Beall’s book Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken introduces the reader to Cindy’s incredible story.  Having survived the pain, devastation and heartbreak of betrayal in her own marriage, she’s now on mission to share the unbelievable miracle God has worked in her and her husband’s life. And it is nothing short of a beautiful miracle.

Beyond the shock.  Beyond the confusion.  Beyond the humiliation.  Beyond the darkest nights and the rivers of tears.

There is hope.  Restoration is possible.  God is with you and He wants to take your hand and see you through the brokenness to the other side of the pain.

“If you are feeling alone, know that I am here to journey with you, and so is God. He already desires to make you whole, even as the pieces of your known existence seem to be scattered to every corner of the universe. If the walls have tumbled and you cannot recognize truth from lies in the remains, know that God’s grace and power to transform your life is right there in the midst of the debris.”  -Cindy Beall

We’re going to give away 5 Copies of Cindy’s book today by random selection.  You don’t have to share anything you’re not comfortable sharing.  Everyone will be entered into the drawing unless you specifically say that you don’t need the book, you’re just joining the conversation.

In case you missed last Sunday here’s a mashup to get you up to speed. Enjoy! God’s doing some really cool things through this series.

5Things//Week1Mashup from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

Just watch any romantic comedy or listen to most love songs, the focus on love these days leans heavily toward falling in love. This isn’t surprising though is it? I mean what’s the prerequisite for falling in love?

A pulse. That’s about it.

Truth be known while we’re all naturally equipped to fall in love, most of us are ill equipped to stay in love.

I once heard Andy Stanley say, “The foundation for staying in love is to make love a verb.”

Jesus himself said, John 13: 34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

This is cool. Do you see what he did? He takes a word we use as a noun and he makes it a verb.  He’s essentially saying love isn’t something you find but something you do.

See we think we want to feel our way into an action. If I feel in love then I’ll be loving.

Jesus taught that actually it’s the opposite. You don’t feel your way into an action. You act your way into a feeling. Act loving, be loving, then you’ll feel love.

And that my friends is how I think you not only fall in love, but stay in love.

So I want to hear from you. In our world where all the talk is about falling in love I want to know how you’re staying in love. How are you making love a verb in your marriage?

This weekend we’re launching a new series at Cross Point entitled “5 Things.” It’s a series on marriage geared to help both married couples and singles confront the things that can destroy your marriage (or future marriage). I believe this series will be an essential owner’s manual for every married couple and a cheat sheet for every single!

I’m going to be talking about the 5 things I think are most destructive to our marriage relationships.

With this in mind I was hoping you could help me out. Will you answer this question?

What’s the number one thing that has been detrimental to my marriage becoming everything I think God wants it to become?

Ready? Set. Go….

I don’t think any of us would argue that there are monumental differences between men and women. Anyone who’s been married longer than seven minutes can probably make a laundry list of differences. I read an interesting article HERE last week which talked about some of the neurological differences between men and women. The article states…

The male brain also produces less serotonin and oxytocin than the female brain. Serotonin helps to calm us down and oxytocin helps us with bonding behaviors.

So what does all this mean? I don’t have a CLUE since my brain is clearly missing a few essential ingredients.

Well, according to the article, it means men may not take in as much conversation as women do, because they have fewer verbal centers designated for it. It also means your husband will most likely want to end conversations more quickly than you do.  Apparently the male brain may also rejuvenate differently than the female brain. Men like to chill out more than women do. Women may want to bond at the end of the day to rejuvenate and feel connected, because of the oxytocin found in their brains.

My advice…

Men:  Scripture calls us to “seek to understand”  (1 Peter 3:7) our wives.  Your temptation will be to tell her why she shouldn’t feel this way or that way. You’ll want to tell her how she’s overreacting or being silly. However, your calling, is not to explain to her why she shouldn’t feel the way she feels but to simply “seek to understand” why she feels the way she feels.

How do we do this? We need to listen. Listen more, fix less. Listen more, explain less. Listen more, argue less.

Women: Clearly the lack of oxytocin leaves us somewhat relationally challenged.  You guys mature so much faster than we do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. In fact, I’m not sure we ever catch up to your relational intelligence.

We love you. We really do. Sometimes we just need a little extra grace along the way.

Yesterday when I got home from Cross Point I was starving. I noticed I was about to be served a bowl of soup. A bowl of soup which did not appear as if it was going to fill up this pastor who had just preached three services and was about to pass out. I’m  a meat and potatoes kind of a guy.

Brandi happened to be in the other room when she, with her supersonic hearing, heard me whisper under my breath and describe the soup as “This is kind of blah”.

She quickly stormed into the kitchen and said “Listen, you know every meal is not going to be a home run. Do you think every one of your sermons is a home run? Because they aren’t, okay. Some are great, some are kind of average, and some are like this bowl of soup…kind of blah.”

Ouch. That hurt. That really hurt. Our spat lasted a few more minutes and then we made up. I promised I would never make another comment about a meal she fixes. My self esteem can’t take it.

So be honest. What was your last fight about?

Why are those five words so stinkin’ hard to say?

Yesterday morning I had a moment of intense fellowship with my wife. I would tell you what it was over, but you would laugh. It seems so insignificant looking back.

I was mad, so I left the house in a  hurry. Driving to my breakfast meeting I was listing in my head all the different reason I was right. I had thoroughly convinced myself I was right and she was wrong. Right?

OK, maybe not. But even after reality set in and I realized I was the one wrong it took me three (yes, three) separate phone calls to her before I finally got the courage to say it…

I’m sorry. I was wrong.

Do you have any phrases you have a hard time saying?

I hate bermuda grass. I hate it with a passion. I’ve tried everything to get the stuff out of my yard, but to no avail, it continues to spread.

Bermuda grass roots run far and wide and deep. I read the other day they can go as deep as six feet! Leave this stuff unchecked and it will ruin everything important to your lawn. It will consume your flowers, choke out the good grass, and literally take over.

Hebrews 12:15 “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”

It’s so easy for bitterness to take root isn’t it?

• It might have happened in your first marriage
• Maybe you feel like your parents had a favorite
• A business deal might have gone wrong.
• A friend purposefully tried to hurt you

The list could go on and on.

Yesterday in the Baggage series we talked about the important work of forgiveness. We said forgiveness is never easy or cheap. It will always cost you something.  And while forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing, it does mean you let go of your right to hurt them back.

You need to know that bitterness contaminates everything. It spreads far and wide and deep. Bitterness doesn’t isolate to the source of bitterness, but rather spreads to all of your relationships. Left unchecked it will ruin everything important to you. It will consume your thoughts, choke out your love and literally take over your life.

How have you dealt with the roots of bitterness in your heart?

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One of the most difficult aspects of our marriage has always been communication. It’s an area where we both have to dig in and work. A lot. Her more than I…. I mean, equally we share responsibility.

I saw this hilarious video the other day on JKing’s blog.

This is so US at times…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KFlE9sEmf8&hl=en&fs=1]

Sometime we just feel like we are on two completely different pages!

Do you ever struggle with communication in your home? With your spouse? With your kids?