I’ve noticed lately an increased awareness of just how easily it seems most Christians can get offended (and yes, this can certainly include me).
I talk to people all the time who are just outraged at what SOMEONE HAS…
Said.
Done.
Written.
Preached.
Blogged.
As I listen to their story I’m often reminded how our fragile egos and defensive theology cause us to mistranslate, blow situations out of proportion, and simply believe the worst.
Ken Keyes once said,
More suffering comes into the world by people taking offense than by people intending to give offense.
The offended ones almost always feel the need to offend back those who they think have offended them.
Then the presumed offenders feel the need to defend themselves against the assumed offense thus creating a vicious cycle that hardly resembles the Kingdom of God.
I know this sounds a bit naive but what happened to…
Giving people the benefit of the doubt.
Believing the best in people.
Forgiving others in the way you want to be forgiven.
TRUTH MOMENT: On a scale of 1 to 10 how easily are you offended?
Pete,
I have a good friend that was in danger of loosing his job several weeks back. He is a high level leader, but was struggling to reach the benchmarks that had been set for him. Long story short, he just made us his mind that he was not going to be offended. he decided to love, take what he deserves and work on what he needed to work on. I recently have tried to walk in complete grace and mercy. I love living this way…determining before hand to not be offended!
It tough but the only way to go I think. Thanks for sharing Chris.
Depends on the situation. Most times a 2. However, if it’s someone like those idiots with Westboro Baptist Church, it get can into the 8-9 range. When I know someone’s coming from a place of hate, I get offended more easily.
Wow this was really good. I would say I’m a 9.5 on the VERY easily offended. But is more about the cycle than anything. I don’t give people the doubt, I often assume the worst as I doubt their intentions. Thank you for this encouragement to love differently.
One other thing I’ve realized lately is that I’m not just this way with others, I’m this way with God too. I doubt his intentions. I struggle to believe that He is really for me. I just finally said that out loud a few months ago and simply saying it brought so much freedom.
I know what you are talking about…the intentions of people and God too. There is a lot of freedom in voicing where we are! I know that first hand as well. It feels good knowing that there are others out there that experience the same feelings – not in a misery loves company kind of way – more of an opportunity to share what works and what doesn’t with each other so that we can overcome this mindset.
Really good insight Becky. I never thought about how this applied to my relationship with God.
I have struggled with worrying about what others think about me. I don’t mean that to sound like the world revolves around me – but I honestly worried about offending people. I have come to a place where I have to nurture the relationships that are closest to me (and we can only maintain 3-6 close relationships without going crazy). Outside of those close relationships I have to have boundaries. I am learning to let go of the worry. I don’t have time to answer a gazillion text messages. I can’t be at every single cookout or party. Realizing that I am not intentionally trying to offend anyone, but I’m not responsible for their reaction. I am learning that having boundaries & saying no is ok. Jesus did it so I’m good with it too
I have realized that I get more easily offended when I have underlying issues with someone or something. They can say something that normally wouldn’t bother me and it sends me into a tailspin. I need to do a better job of working through the underlying stuff so that my offense meter is more accurate.
great point Lindsey!
so true.
For the most part I am not easily offended. That is one of the benefits of being in the ministry for over 38 years. You tend to develop tough/thick skin. but occasionally, someone will touch a button. That is when I need to remember WHO is in charge of my life. Forgot: the scale; 2
Probably a 3, unless it is dealing with my wife or son. Then I tend to get upset.
Much less often than in my 20s : ) I think the older I get the more aware I am that everyone has a story. My first thoughts these days tend to go more towards what the offenders ‘story’ is instead of straight to my own feellings. Oftentimes we’re just a handy target for someones bad day or miserable life.
I’d say 2 or 3. If someone is attacking my inherent values, and makes it personal, I get pissed. But I generally take things in stride and laugh my way through it. (Most of the time…. we all have our moments.) I am, however, quite candid, and I often speak before I think, so I’ve been known to be the offender at times completely without intention.
And I wish people would give me the benefit of the doubt more often.
Great post, Pete!
As I’ve aged I’ve learned not to sweat the small things. If I die tomorrow, does it really matter what was said today?
That is a touch question to answer! We’d all love to say that we’re a 1 out of 10, but I’m honestly not sure. I can’t rate how easily I get offended because I’ve never really paid any attention, but I will tell you this: I will be making a conscious effort to pay attention from now on, and try to get that number as close to 1 as I can!
Thank you bringing light to this subject, it’s something I’ve never thought about before.
Thanks for your honesty Nicole.
Overall I am not easily offended, and probably am around a 2, but there is one area where I have been wounded/traumatized and as that is still healing it is very easy to be offended there (probably an 8 or 9). The key I am learning is how I respond when offended. As soon as I recognize it I have a choice: accept it or let it go. Scripture says we can take every thought captive, and I am learning to take those feelings of offense captive (I imagine shoving them inside a black plastic bag so I can’t even see them) and then I hand them to God and ask what He wants to do with them. He created my emotions, so He gets to determine what happens when they get out of control. It is a learning process, but I have made huge progress and even when I experience a 9, it usually goes back to a 2 or even a zero in a very short timeframe.
A to the Men! My entire Monday is spent digging out of emails from all the folks who were offended by something that happened Sunday.
I often wonder, if we Christians spent as much energy externally focusing on the world’s needs as we do at managing internal messages for people in leadership (when that is God’s job – not ours), how much more could we actually accomplish in helping the world? Radical thought, I know…. actually being the church in the world
I do like to believe the best in people, but am my own worst enemy @ times. I promised God years ago to forgive the way I would like to be forgiven ( thought it would be an easy thing ) but am still working things out….I try to be fair, but I’m not always aware of whom I”ve offended, don’t know if that’s a good thing, usually like to fix the offense as quickily as possible, or it affects me big time.
I get offended over the things I am passionate about. On a scale of one to ten, 7 ( asked my son and this is his answer) good discussion Pete. Heard this quote from one of my friends, if you live in a glass house expect to get a rocks thrown @ you.
Thanks, man… Extremely nicely (and succinctly) put.
Not sure it is really a bad thing to be offended, which is just another term for being angry. I don’t believe we are expected to be pacifists,( Jesus certainly wasn’t) when it comes to things that are offensive to God. However, the Bible says to “not let the sun go down on our anger.” To me this means dealing with the offense in a mature, timely manner and then leave it be. The problem I see is we often let the things that offend us fester and boil for days, weeks, and months on end. This is not healthy for our inner person nor helpful and loving to the offender.
My Dad just died and my husbands siblings didn’t so much as send a card. That hurt really bad. I thought they cared more. It was a terrible time of grief for me. We have been family for over 22 years and to think they couldn’t offer any comfort in my sadness was unbelievable. I have chosen to forgive. But i’m still hurt by it.
I am pretty low on the offended scale…I’m a laid back person and dont get offended that easily. It is unfortunate that people get offended more easily today. I know we are all wired differently, however if we could all just take a step back or take an extra second before reacting, it could all do us some good.
I know I need to remind myself to be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry. Most of the time people are getting offended because of misunderstandings and not because of intent.
I have learned to be less and less offended this past year. I reached a point in my life where I needed the maximum forgiveness my friends and family were able to give. I have learned it is easy to forgive much, when you’ve been forgiven much. And we all have. Christ forgave us.
Another thought on giving people the benefit of the doubt…just because someone doesn’t love you the way you need to be/give you what you need, doesn’t mean they are loving you with/giving you all they have.
I didn’t used to get so easily offended, but a destructive relationship and some well-meaning Christian friends who wanted to ‘help’ me (or fix me, rather – your post from a few days ago describes it to a tee) changed that and have caused me to doubt everyone’s intentions I come across. It’s not fair that the many should suffer because of the actions of the few, but it’s been over a year and the pain is still there.
I still really struggle with not taking offense. I miss the way I used to be – which was much more relaxed – but it’s so hard.
On a scale of 1 to 10? Probably a 15…
Strangely enough, I’m less defensive in the situations you’ve mentioned. But make me feel incompetent, question my judgment, make me think that I look stupid, and I turn into Stone Cold Steve Austin.
I think most of the time I’m pretty hard to offend, probably around a 2 or 3. But, honestly there are certain people I make an exception for automatically move up to a 7, maybe 8.
It’s something I know I need to work on. Allowing people in my life to all be on a level playing ground, like how all of us are before Christ.
Confession…it’s usually fellow Christians who offend me the most.
P.s. I based my scale off of 1 being hardly ever offended & 10 being offended at the slightest comment, critique, etc.
I am like a 1 – although sometimes I think maybe I should have some righteous indignation over somebodies view of God, it just is not one of my issues (and believe me, I make up for it with other issues)!!! I just don’t get easily offended or really care what another persons view of God, the rapture, judgment day, etc. is.
God is bigger than those issues and I doubt he feels the need to be defended by his people.
I needed to hear this today; thank you!
I’m offended you have to ask. Kidding.
I think I’m only a “1″ on the 1-to-10 scale, but I think that’s because of another shortcoming — I shy away from conflict. As a result, even if I am offended, I often will choose to graciously ignore it. If they only knew it wasn’t actually grace!
Pete, when you wonder what happened to “Forgiving others in the way you want to be forgiven,” I wonder about that as well. We have the perfect model for doing that in Christ.
Imagine, on the road to Golgatha, if Jesus had turned to the Roman soldier who’d just whipped him and spat on him one too many times and said, “Okay buddy, you know, I was going to the cross to pay for the sins of the world — which would have included yours — but you just went over the line, now, forget it!”
But he didn’t react that way. He did the unbelievably painful act of forgiveness anyway. And this particular repeat offender is way beyond thankful for that.
Great thoughts! I love the quote too.
Gospel people should be the hardest people in the world to offend. Because we are the most aware of our sin and that it is an offense against a holy God, and yet, instead of giving us justice, he gave us grace/mercy in the person of his Son, through the cross.
It’s really tough to do sometimes because of pride, but when offended and tempted to give people what they deserve, we should strive to stop and thank God that He didn’t give you what us deserved, and show them the grace He showed you.
Romans 2:4 tells us that God’s kindness leads to repentance. Perhaps if we show people kindness in the midst of offense, we will have a better shot at reconciliation.
On the bright side. I guess with so many people being offended we should have lots of opportunities to show and tell the gospel.
KBH
Needed this today. Dealing with some “leadership” issues with some volunteers. It’s easy to get offended about what someone says or implies. What I’ve found is that if I am going to respond the right way(not always the way I want to respond), I truly need the Spirit’s wisdom in how I correct wrong behaviors, and also encourage right behaviors. It is impossible to do this without Christ. The longer I’ve been in ministry the more I realize I need Christ. Less of me, more of Him…
See, that’s what I don’t get either. If someone has offended you why do you think its ok to offend them? I mean if offending someone is so offensive…There are times when our words will offend because truth has a tendency to do that to someone who doesn’t want tohear it or isn’t ready for that particular truth. As well, untruth can be incredibly offensive also but if it is “untruth” and truly offensive I need to be careful in my response. It should reflect God’s heart and all of God’s truth (i.e. being a jerk just doesn’t fit with the word.) Well, I’m thinking I should be careful to listen to read this next time I’m offended. And I’d best be believing God has it all in hand is at work to turn hearts to truth…
This is a great and timely post. With the social media craze, I’ve been catching myself in this area. Everyone has a soap box and there a some who feel they need to voice their opinions on EVERYTHING. My natural instinct is to voice mine back. But the crazy thing, it’s not necessarily an offense as often as my pride in thinking I need to correct them. Who am I to this person?
It’s an interesting new world we live in. If I watch the news and a commentator says something I don’t agree with, I just turn it off and move on. Then I go to Facebook/Twitter and read pros/cons about the issue. Paul often talked about avoiding useless and vain arguments. I find myself walking away from useless arguments a lot these days.
On the scale of 1-10 I think I’m a 5 when it comes to being offended. But I’m aware of it and know how to deal with it.
I try VERY hard to not cause offense, but no matter how careful, it happens. I realized I cannot control how others feel… only how I feel. I work extra hard to NOT get offended. In all honestly I am not offended easily. I pause, realize that perhaps something has happened in this person’s life that has made them take offense easily to a topic that I saw no harm in. And I love this… “I always try to believe the best of everybody — it saves so much trouble.” (Rudyard Kipling)
I used to be horrible at this – especially in my 20′s! It’s funny, a colleague and I were just discussing this… she’s now 50 and says her tolerance is lower than ever – where as I feel mine is as high as ever (with much effort).
The problem is – I give people the benefit of the doubt and continue to support and not allow myself to feel hurt or angry in sometimes pretty severe scenarios. Then, I have my snapping point and one of 2 things will happen: I either end the relationship in a sometimes too quiet manner (often leaving them confused) OR I let them have it for ALL the times they hurt/wronged me (again, leaving them confused). It’s a tough balance between standing up for one self vs. overreacting.
So if it’s a one or two time issue, I let it go – usually chalking it up to “who knows what they’re dealing with right now”. But if it’s a repeat offender – watch out! (proof – still lots to grow on here).
This is so good Pete. Not only are we easily offended, we act like not being offended is a right. I’m usually pretty difficult to offend. I’m with Lindsey though, when there’s an underlying issue, it’s far easier to misinterpret and read into that person’s intentions. I heard Dave Stone say in a leadership talk recently that “maturity is moving from thin skin and hard heart to thick skin and soft heart”. Pretty good stuff.
I have recently moved to a small town and find that I am more offended than ever…mostly, over the fact that much of life here is stuck in the past and people are extremely political. Being an outsider in a small town is hard, people I have met want for things to be different. I can understand how anyone can be hesitant to trust others… being an outsider makes it hard for me. I move every 2-3 years. I don’t have time to play “offended” if I am to be doing the things God has prepared for me to do..I don’t want to offended or judge. However, I feel I am being judged and I am going to have to have thick skin to deal with their judgement’s. I wish I was not offended when I walk into a room that immediately gets quiet or when I don’t get invited to an activity. I’d rate my level at 6.
9…my peers assume I’m easily offended…which often can offend me
I’d like to think I’m a 3 or a 4, but I’m probably a 7 or an 8. I was once told not to go into church ministry because I wasn’t “thick skinned enough” to deal with it.
YOU HAVE SOME NERVE, Pal…Inferring that I MIGHT BE EASILY OFFENDED!!!
WHY..I OUGHTTA…!!!!
7
As I get older I find I have more grace than ever before. I also was changed by a statement Brennan Manning made in Abba’s Child. I don’t remember the exact quote so I am badly paraphrasing; we can find forgiveness for them when we see where our enemy bleeds. When we look at the heart of a person and see their wounds, we can see what might shape their behavior.
That said, for me, there is a difference between wounded and offended. I can be wounded far too easily, but it doesn’t mean I hold it against the person. I get offended very very quickly when it feels as if someone is being religious/judgmental though. I need to work on that.
On a scale of 1 – 10? Hmmmm…it depends on the situation. However, on average I would have to honestly say I am at around a 6 or 7. It is fairly easy to puff up my offense…eerm, pride?…when I see something I disagree with. I usually need some deflating at moments like these, and over the past couple of years I have learned some really good ways to pummel through offense and turn it over to God eventually. I am getting better at it, and I keep hoping to find myself at a point one day where I am able to just hand over the offense to God the moment it occurs. I am far from there yet, and I don’t know if I ever will get there while I am still alive…but I refuse to give up on the face God really does have all of this life; because He just never gave up on me once.