We’re in a series at Cross Point called “5 Things.” Yesterday I spoke on “expectations” which has been one of the most destructive things Brandi and I have faced in our marriage.
You can watch or listen to the entire message HERE.
As a setup to the message we did a fun little video. Enjoy.
Oh, one more thing. You’re only allowed to watch this video if you’ll share with us one expectation you had going into marriage (if you are married).
Saw this video last night, Pete, and I absolutely loved it. You and Brandi are awesome to allow the cameras into your home and be so real about your expectations and what you ‘fight’ about. Thanks for that, it really gave me some renewed inside for my marriage.
That video was hilarious.
One expectation that I had was that we would have people over for dinner all the time, or at least my friends and family :p It turns out my husband is REALLY private and isn’t real big on people being “in his space” so it’s like pulling teeth to get him to agree to a game night with friends. But I’m not against pulling teeth so it works itself out :p.
Pete,
Wonderful video and I look forward to listening to your sermons in this series. This video was very candid and gave people a glimpse of what most people think when they enter into marriage.
Hysterical, and very real. Loved it!
I’m with Brandi – cleaning house should be a team effort. You both live there – you both contribute to the dirt and grime. I married an intelligent man. It absolutely amazes me how he can walk in the door, past tied up garbage bags and say “what do you need me to do?” What’s a guess, dear?
It’s a gift we have.
BWAHAHAHAHA! I’m sorry Devbeth, It’s just that my husband does that too! We have been married for 15 years, and most of the time, the answer is still the same. “Look around and PICK something to do for yourself!!!”
Great video…I have to say for me it was the expectation of sex like 24/7…
Y’ALL! I almost spit the water out of my mouth watching that! SO FUNNY. I related to WAY too much stuff in that. The house clean vs. tidy. Expecting the wife to dress hot and have sex all the time. Communicating like we did when we were dating. Gosh, so much stuff! Good to hear we’re not alone in our craziness
Oh and have to say, Brandi “wins” with “What would we do with the other 23 hours and 58 minutes?”
Don’t encourage her Amy.
Thanks so much for sharing! After 22 years marriage, we still have some of the same (unresolved) issues we have always had, (laundry and in-laws!) But…after so long, those things are not as EPIC as they used to seem! One expectation I had when we got married was that my husband would be as excited about our newly formed family as I was..I wanted for us to make our decisions alone, and my husband wanted to involve his parents’ into the mix because he naturally respects their opinions. I have learned not to make my husband choose between me and his mom, and he has learned that as a working mom, my house and cooking will never be as fantastic as hers.
LOVED that! My house is very clean, but I thought my husband would help keep it that way. I also thought we’d talk a whole lot more. And, I thought marriage would be easier.
Glad to know that someone else has a “laundry neutral zone” too. I don’t how many times I get asked if a pair of pants that are sitting on the floor need to be washed or not.
Clearly it’s a common issue.
Laundry neutral zone made me laugh out LOUD!! I so do that. Hub doesn’t – he pitches it all in the hamper and then I fish out what I don’t deem to be dirty.
I thought marriage would be easier, 13 years ago. I found it to be very challenging to lose independence in my schedule. We still fight most about time (now with 2 kids, it’s even harder!)
Great video man! It was like watching my own marriage play out on TV
So great Pete. Love how real you and Brandi are. This is life.
great video! I probably had way too many expectations going into marriage. one for sure: the house always being clean and tidy! what can you expect from someone who organizes his sock drawer by color and sock purpose (athletic, dress, casual)?
Oh wow Mat. YOU really have some issues. Ha!
I had an expectation that we would pray together often, if not daily.
My worst expectation was that if he loved me, he’d be able to read my mind!
I know it’s stupid, NOW..
His worst expectation? After a few months of being married, he told me (when I was sick and behind in grading papers, mind you) that his mother ALWAYS kept the house company clean. I commented on how it was such a shame he didn’t take after her in that aspect…
Love it Helen!
Thank you for that…there were a few moments when I was like “that’s us too!” Especially with the communication. We too would spend countless hours talking and hanging out, just the two of us, when we were dating and now that we are married just can’t seem to find the time.
Some of my expectations were:
That my husband would be self motivated and do things like hang his shirts in the closet rather than on the kitchen chairs.
That his idea of cleanness would me the same as mine (BTW When I mention something needs cleaning he has no idea what I am talking about…typical bachelor syndrome)
That I would want sex more often.
Men don’t think about sex all the time…apparently men always have two thing on their mind, whatever they are actually doing and sex.
That my husband would understand my sexual advances and we wouldn’t have to talk about or schedule sex.
Sorry I gave so many, but once I was on a roll the ex-expectations just all came to me.
Oh ya, I totally forgot this one and it was a biggie for me: that my husband would be a spiritual driving force in our family.
haha! This was so good! Yay for Brandi calling it like it is – my fav part of the video! And Pete, shame on you man! Don’t you know that the sexiest thing a man can do is clean toilets, wash dishes, change diapers and tell his wife she’s beautiful???
My expectation was that we would never fight and we’d pray together every day. It would be sooooo spiritual. not.
Loved the video. Thank you for being so real.
I think I assumed he would know what needed to be done around the house, etc. without me having to tell him. He would just want to do it.
Wow, you really have a big house! Lucky family to live in such luxury and have so much!
We are blessed beyond belief.
Ha-were you and my husband twins separated at birth?? No, because he’s older, but wow…he would say much of the same and would definitely back you up on the shower cap thing.
Just this morning I wrote about our experience trying to hang a mirror in our dining room. He needs perfection and I am happy to eyeball it without a tape measure.
We’ve been married almost 27 years and I think one of the expectations I had was that he might relax some of his perfectionist tendencies. I think he’d say he expected me to step mine up : ) That being said…I think these are ‘annoyances’ in a marriage and it’s important not to let the little things accumulate and turn into something big. Sometimes I move a little and sometimes he moves a little and that works but we’re both willing to move. On the big stuff, the core issues, we come together. When I look at our marriage I’m thankful for the way we have learned to zig and zag. I have a mental list of things I love about my husband and when he does something that gets under my skin I call that list up in my head and review. Perspective is a beautiful thing!
The best part was the brief pause Brandi gave between “23 hours” and “58 minutes.” That just doubled the comedic impact.
This video was great! I am going to share this with my married and non-married friends! Expectations have to be one of the biggest “Fantasy Land” trips that everyone takes. Before getting married you have in your head what you think marriage is going to be like (partly due to Hollywood and partly due to fairy tales, and then partly due to our own family upbringing). And once we enter into the married life, we find our “Fantasy Land” expectations are not really reality. I can relate to the communication expectaion, in that my husband and I would be spend hours upon hours talking on the phone with one another (and we even had those up until 3 am talks) before we got married, and now it seems that communicating is the most difficult thing for us. I also had the expectation of spending romantic cuddle on the couch together time every night after all the kids were in bed. That is another “Fantasy Land” trip. Sometimes we are both wiped out from the day and we nod of ourselves, or he’s reading while I’m watching TV or whatever. Then I can relate to Brandi’s expectation of the housework being a team effort. My husband likes to remind me that he can’t read minds, and therefore he needs for me to specifically tell him what I need him to do.
Thank you and Brandi for being so transparent and genuine!
What an awesome video, guys! And Pete, for the record, Brandi’s right. Everyone throws stuff upstairs when company comes over. Keith hates our bedroom. [I'm trying but there's LOTS of room for improvement]
I do think you need to cut yourselves some slack about being up until 3am. It’s hard for any parent to do unless they’re A) up with an infant or B) waiting for a college kid to get home.
I think one of my expectations was that we’d always agree on how to raise our kids. Probably the biggest thing we have ‘discussions’ over.
We do argue over the “parenting” thing from time to time.
Great, great video.
An expectation I had going into marriage was we would communicate openly and honestly about *everything*. Yeaaah . . . 16 years in and I’m realizing it’s not so much the case. As Brandi said, it seemed to have happened more easily while we were dating. No shower caps are involved with us once we got married (LOL!), but I think it may have something to do with the fact we no longer have separate residences to retreat to should we majorly disagree about something. Weird.
This is my favorite!
H
I figured you would enjoy that one.
Love it and love you guys!
One of my big (and I admit, unreasonable) expectations is that Matt would be able to read my mind/know what I’m thinking. It manifests in insignificant things like that he should just KNOW I need him to change the burned out light bulbs to much more weighty things like that he should just REALIZE that I’m feeling paralyzing anxiety about something and ask me if I want to talk.
What if I communicated with him what I’m feeling and thinking and take the guess work out of it? I know, a novel idea!
Thanks for how you’re investing in the marriages at CP!
Matt can’t read your mind?????
I mean, he’s good and all, but not THAT good.
ash,
the reading of the mind is a great expectation. i’ve often said “we’ve been married 14 years… when will you know what i’m thinking?”
I can totally relate with the expectation you mentioned about sex all the time, but then I LOLed at your wife’s 23:58 comment. Great video that would be a great thing to include in premarital counseling.
This video actually broke my heart.
Why, Kathryn?
My highest expectation was that he would simply take care of me – you know, the whole 50-50 approach, that I would be his 50% and he would be my 50%! Boy, was I wrong!!!
Thanks for the laugh…..so refreshing to know that other marriages go through so many of the same ‘issues’!!!
That was really funny and insightful! I guess a lot of couples have the same “expectations” going into marriage. Going into marriage I just expected that we’d always communicate like we did dating, and that we’d always work together on everything like housework, bills, etc.
I had some of the same expectations most have. including Brandi…I thought there would be much more endless into the evening conversation like when we dated and more sexual touch nights on the couch focusing on each other. And chores…I thought he would do the same chores, as much as my dad did growing up…not the case!
I expected it to be A LOT easier. One little fight, and I was ready to walk out….
Thankful that I have a patient husband
Pastor Pete,
The video was wonderful, THANK YOU (& Brandi) for your honest transparency. My expectations entering marriage were similar to those you all shared in the video. I think the worst expectation was that marriage would be happy all the time. Marriage is tough stuff, especially those first few years. We have almost reached 4 years (in December) & there have been some challenges. I always share Ephesians 5:33 when discussing this & talk about how marriage isn’t ALWAYS happy, but it can be successful. There are happy times, there are sad, mad, frustrating times, but built on a foundation of Christ, it can be joyful & successful. Could you pray for me & my wife? As I settle back into life at home after a year in Iraq, there are new expectations & changes we are dealing with. Love & respect.
I don’t Pete, the 23/58 comment was just mean. I mean 23/55 would have been better…
And, I was certain she would want to travel the countryside on the back of the Harley that I did not/still do not have…again, just mean.
OH!! I laughed watching this while shaking my head yes! An expectation I had? That my man would be some kind of perpetual knight in shining armor who was my be all end all that never let me down. Ya, I pretty much set him up to fail! 15 years into our marriage, I’m glad for lessons learned and grace given.
And yes…the laundry zone?? My man has that, too. Dirty to huge in between zone to clean. I don’t get it.
HAHAHA! Great video Pete!
LOL!! you guys are really Good together… I love your honesty. I like Brandi’s sense of humour… She asked what I wouldnt “what would you do with the other 23 hours and 58 mins of the day?”
I came in expecting good communication, getting things done together, non-sexual yet loving touch(like Brandi). But two decades into the marriage, I learned different and I learned to practise acceptance I hoped to receive. I think the annoyance over picking up stuff, keeping house “clean”(its a relative term, theres Museum/ICU/sterile clean and there is the Lived in cozy clean)is something that happens in every marriage. We do tend to attract our opposite in some aspects, and that is a blessing cause it complements the strengths each other have. Depending on what we can and cant do, we tinker ourselves to fit into each others imperfections.
Goodness, that was so funny. I remember when you guys started dating. You are both such a blessing.
I don’t think I realized until Sunday that I entered my marriage with expectations. I think that young couples feel like they are the only ones going through all of these little/big issues you and Brandi joke about, so its good to see (and read) that it happens to everyone
I expected for us to be as lovey/touchy as we were when we were dating.
Love the whole thing. Been married for 3 1/2 years and still trying to identify what expectations I’ve had. Housework is a big one. Much like Brandi’s expectation, I grew up in a family with family cleaning Saturdays. My mom is quick to remind me it didn’t start out that way and it took years for she and my dad to come to that agreement. My hubs helps when I give him specifics.
I also think I expected my husband to be able to identify on his own when I was “in the mood” and that clearly is like expecting him to mind-read. Being clearer is something I am learning with time!
What a great video! Thanks for your authenticity. I have started several time to list expectations that I went into marriage with but since I’m now divorced they all seem like bitter ranting. That’s not who I am so I guess I should leave the discussion to those who are still married. I did take mental notes though, so should God ever see fit to bless me with a second marriage I will be much better prepared.
Pete,
You and Brandi are just precious. Thank you for sharing so honestly!
I’m on my second marriage and during the 12 years of single motherhood, I pledged to God if He blessed me with a husband, I would never be this or that. Here I am not even two years married and I’m right where I didn’t want to be. I sooo appreciate your message and thank God for your insight.
I tried not to enter this marriage with expectations. Even took many measures to prevent it (i.e. we did the Love Dare at the start of our relationship, read scriptures on God’s way of what our relationship/marriage is…). On the upside, at least now I’m able to catch myself slipping backwards and stop, pause and pray before the situation escalates. I chuckle when you shared that men enter marriage with the expectation of sex every night. As men age that changes. It becomes the opposite. My husband had the same complaint of his prior marriage. Now he that he has what he wants in that department, he can’t keep up. Are we ever happy?
Expectations change as we grow older. I read an email that listed what women want from a man starting at the age of 18. They want a devastatingly handsome, athletic, wealthy, intelligent man with a great car. At 70, she just wants him to find the bathroom and his teeth! Now as funny as this is, unfortunately it’s true. My expectations list has gotten smaller as I’ve grown older but there are some that remain the same, love, respect and companionship.
Again, thank you for this message and I look forward to the rest of the series.
First…I want to say I loved the video. I think it is important for couples to see that they aren’t alone in their marriage “troubles”. We all have different issues and expectations that we brought to marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost 23 years, so we’ve lived and worked through MANY ups and downs. I think my biggest expectation was that he would be present in EVERY aspect of my life. That he would always want to know how I was and if I was having a good day and if I was tired or needed attention… I have learned that this particular expectation sets a man up for failure. I learned to be my own person outside of our relationship. It was good for us. I think it is vital for any marriage that both people have their own interests. I think its those seperate interests that kept us up talking into the we hours of the morning while we were dating.
I went into the marriage actually expecting that I would want to be intimate with my husband every day. Reality and life hit and I am still surprised that I am not interested all the time like I was expecting.
Pete and Brandi I love the way you are authentic and share your lives with all of us! THANK YOU! Scott and I share most of your same expectations, BTW….the only difference is that he does the laundry (he actually likes it…that is the only reason…) and I am the person leaving out clothes to POSSIBLY be worn again ont he bench! I do, however, hit the basket with the dirty clothes!
Okay Pastor Pete- Seriously Brandi is so gorgeous I bet she looks HOT in her shower cap AND her giant shirt!! And she is way too pretty to be cleaning the house all the time. So there.
I’ve been married 7 1/2 years and only just a year ago realized an expectation I have had of my husband all along that I didn’t know I had. I expected him to be my EVERYTHING- 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. My strong rock, my protector, my caretaker, no matter how tough things got. So in other words, I was pretty much expecting him to be God. And because he is such a truly amazing man he was able to do that pretty well for our 10 years of being together but things got too overwhelming about a year ago and got to see my husband very human and very broken down. I finally realized I needed to start relying on God, who truly IS almighty. It has made all the difference. I always knew God has to be #1 in my head but my heart was still putting my husband there instead.
I didn’t expect that he’d fall victim to male refrigerator blindness. He didn’t expect that my need to arrange closets by sleeve length & color would creep over to his side. *poor guy*
I loved this video!! I totally felt like Brandi was reading my mail. I went into marriage with some of the same expectations (housework being a team effort, communication would be just as easy). I think the biggest expectation that I had though, was that we would both be “adults” in everything we did, but I forgot that we were 19 & 20, we still had a lot of learning and growing up to do. I still think that 13 years later.
That was great. I think my one expectation would be that everynight would be a huge meal on the table.
Not Egg Noodles, beans and broccoli sitting in a big pot in the middle of the table.
One of my fave posts at Without Wax…I echo the sentiments of others in thanking you guys for your honesty…and doing it in a a fun, lighthearted way.
please note:
I might possibly own a yellow shower cap. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. ; 0 I can’t believe men might possibly be turned off by that. Ahem.
So I love your wife… : )
We watched this yesterday, and I found it HYSTERICAL! Yet, it was also so real, and I loved that. Thanks for being real with us about your struggles.
One of my expectations was weekly date nights. I thought it’d be easy when we were single, and then when we had kids, we could drop them off and go out. What I have had to adjust (because of money and busyness and this and that) is my expectation of a date night. We don’t have to go out – we can just watch a movie and eat pizza at home after the kids go to bed. With an 11 week old, this is a little harder…. but we’re still doing the best we can.
Also – we thought we’d have sex 2 or 3 times a week. Now we’re averaging about 1 time every week and a half or so. Oops.
You guys are so cute…..okay the one thing was 50/50 all the way. I worked full time and had lists and was never so organized in my life. Fell apart after my husband washed all the clothes in hot water and my nursing uniforms were pink and ruined( I thought he did it on purpose), he never did the wash again. The funny thing is I am not a list person and my husband is way more organized and helpful than I am, but laundry is my thing. Anyways, shower caps are in, I wish I could find a yellow one….awesome.
Awesome Video…thanks for sharing part of your lives with the world.
For me, I guess I expected macaroni and cheese would be served alot. I remember one of the first meals that Erin prepared for us when we got married was chicken and green beans….that was all! We have worked through a lot since those days, and are still working
and yes mac n cheese is served quite often now…just took having some kiddos!
Looks like someone earlier in the day must have had an expectation for a bigger house for them to live in
Love it! So appreciate your honesty and I can relate so well! Thanks for sharing!
One thing I thought is that we would always go to bed at the same time. Well, my husband is a night owl and I have two kids that get up at the crack of dawn. So, in order for me to get my required sleep we go to bed at vastly different times.
I also thought it would be easy to make weekly date nights. It’s not always that easy.
Thanks for sharing… brought a smile to my face. Made me love you guys even more and I’ll never see a yellow shower cap again without thinking of THE WILSONS! Oh man–I need some help!
Less conflict!
Being married 44 yrs the only expectation I had was longevity & not expecting change. I saw friends & parents marriage dissolve & I added hugs every day, talking, patients, self worth,liking what he likes and vs/vs. shw caps do not matter the vows stick,we meant what we said. My husband is still my friend & lover. I had a serious illness for 5 years he stepped up & cared for me as I would for him. I wait on him & he waits on me because we want to. listen to the vows & really mean them that will carry you thru and love each other without great expectations of each other. just go with what the day brings each day is a new journey together, enjoy what happens.
love you guys and your honesty hang in tyhere and look at tommorrow as an adventure
I expected to be married at 49 instead of single. Victim of divorce you see. It is all about perspective. Right now a yellow shower cap would not bother me at all. I would say love your hat honey. I don’t know how you do it but you even make a shower cap look good.
My obligatory marital expectation:
That I would have a constant companion at social functions. He leaves me by myself…what’s with that?
Loved this SO much! We’ve been married 27 years, so it’s kind of hard to remember what I expected going into the thing! I’d have to echo those who thought that if he loved me, he’d know what I was thinking, what I wanted, needed, etc. We’ve reached a season of deep appreciation for the other’s contributions to the marriage – I’m over the fact that I never know which clothes need to be washed and which he thinks he might wear again, for example! (And Brandi, I’m big on keeping things “picked up,” but a far cry from an immaculate housekeeper. It works for us!) Anyway, my son’s about to “pop the question” so I’ve directed him to this series – thanks for your help and insight!
Oh, and for the sake of encouraging “younger” married couples, we are having a lot of fun as relatively recent empty nesters! Stay friends through the child-rearing years – it will be back to the two of you before you know it!
LOVED that vid! Loved the honesty. The slight tension. And the jokes. hahahaa
Oh I definitely expected the late night conversations to continue. But, yeah. I guess the shower cap gets in the way.
WOW and THANK YOU.
Seriously, this is true reality tv. And if people actually saw this they would realize that their relationship was normal.You guys are are really fantastic.
Brandi thanks for sharing this and keeping it real.
I laughed all the way through that video! Only because it was all true for my wife and I too. Seriously, SHOWER CAP? Instant turn off.
One thing that we have struggled with is that my wife wants/expects me to tuck her in every night and pray with her. I am going to make myself sound like a jerk here, because there are many nights that I just don’t want to do this.
I relate 100% with the sex expectation too.
My husband and I have been married just over two months so were just starting to deal with the unmet expectations. I’d say one I’ve had thus far is him not cleaning the bathrooms as much as I’d like. If it were up to him he’d clean them once a month, when I think they should be done every week…
On another note: I find it not only ironic, but hilarious that on the same day my husband and I watched this video, that I got a free shower cap for a purchase I made at a beauty store….lol!
Hi. Was searching the web for posts about shower caps (of all things!) and was pleasantly surprised to find you. Really enjoyed your sweet video. I’ve been married for 22 years and am still madly in love with Mr. Wonderful and he with me ~ despite my shower caps. Ha! If you’re so inclined, please share my website with Brandi. I run my little business, designing and sewing handmade, PRETTY (not yellow/not lunch lady), waterproof, washable shower caps, from our farmhouse out in the country hills of FL. Peace to you:) ~Cindy
Oops! My website is http://www.RetroRevival.Biz.
SO funny!!!!
I expected that Barry would be able to get a plate from the table and actually INTO the dishwasher…not happening.
I expected he would keep his side of the closet picked up but he favors the, “it looks like a big pile of clothes on the floor to you but I know where everything is.”
Barry expected me to wear 5 inch heels while I vacuum….not happening:)
Barry expected that I’d want to talk on the phone for hours when I’m on the road, me….not so much
We both thought we’d laugh a lot…and we do x
Ok, first off I’m gonna be a marriage counselor here & tell you that I learned both of your love languages just watching that video. Awesome!
Can’t wait to watch/listen to the rest of this series!
One expectation I had was for my wife to do the traditional “wife” things. You know what I mean. Don’t hate!