How To Stay In Love
Our society is obsessed with falling in love.
Just watch any romantic comedy or listen to most love songs, the focus on love these days leans heavily toward falling in love. This isn’t surprising though is it? I mean what’s the prerequisite for falling in love?
A pulse. That’s about it.
Truth be known while we’re all naturally equipped to fall in love, most of us are ill equipped to stay in love.
I once heard Andy Stanley say, “The foundation for staying in love is to make love a verb.”
Jesus himself said, John 13: 34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
This is cool. Do you see what he did? He takes a word we use as a noun and he makes it a verb. He’s essentially saying love isn’t something you find but something you do.
See we think we want to feel our way into an action. If I feel in love then I’ll be loving.
Jesus taught that actually it’s the opposite. You don’t feel your way into an action. You act your way into a feeling. Act loving, be loving, then you’ll feel love.
And that my friends is how I think you not only fall in love, but stay in love.
So I want to hear from you. In our world where all the talk is about falling in love I want to know how you’re staying in love. How are you making love a verb in your marriage?
Clint Black addressed this back in the 90′s!
I guess the URL didn’t attach. Here is the address for the video for the song I was referring to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3PhTTQsCBI
My husband and I loved the message behind this song. It is also special to us because our son, when he was around 16 months old, would come running EVERY TIME he heard that song. I’m not sure what it meant to him but that made it even more special for us!
I’ll have to tell you the story sometime about Clint Black dropping by our house on Halloween a couple years ago. Nice guy.
A Prayer From Jesus
Jesus I brought this prayer to your people and they rejected it. So I add a comment on the importance of this prayer and your plan of Salvation, again no responses. Finaly with fire and brimstone, mentioned there destanation, it was as if they could not even hear.
Jesus am I to be a profit as unto Jermiah or like unto Jonah. I fill like Jonah, no matter what I wan’t to do, You all ways command me to do this small task, deliver your prayer. Except the results are as unto Jerminah. When not one obeyed when you said rhey will find safety out of the city.
Jesus, you created me as neither but one of power in Jesus NAME. Devel in the NAME of JESUS I bind you in Jesus name. Relese your hold on those who will be called, son’s of Jesus. I command you in JESUS NAME to be gone from all who read this post in Jesus Name. For the glory is yours alone Jesus. I lift your Name up in Praise now, Lord Jesus. Open my eyes in Jesus Name and let me receive from You, this very hour in JESUS NAME.
.
– A PRAYER FROM JESUS -
This prayer is from Jesus that we may hear from Him, that He may speak to our hearts. It only consist of three simple steps.
1, We need to read one scripture. This will focus us in the word that brings everlasting life.
2, Since this prayer is from Jesus we need to direct our prayer to Him personally. Too often Christian focuses they’re prayer’s to G_D or Father. Scripture proclaims, that Jesus should be the focus of our prayer.
3, The simplest part of this Prayer is to ask Jesus one question. Please, all that is required for this question is that it should be simple. Let Jesus Himself finish the question when He gives you that understanding through this prayer.
The PRAYER
A) The scripture that is the focus of this prayer is “ACTS 2:38″. It’s not necessary to do any study into this scripture. Jesus will give you the understanding that will resonate in your heart. Just read Acts 2:38, keep it in your heart and take this one scripture to prayer
B) The most important part of this prayer is that we need to direct our prayer directly to Jesus. If you normally would say Father in your prayer, change your focus from the Father to Jesus, by lifting Jesus name up every time you would normally use Father in your prayer.
C) Maybe the hardest part of this prayer is the question that we need to ask Jesus. For man is always trying to understand the question, instead of listening to the answer. The simplest question is all that is required.
Simply ask Jesus, ‘WHY’?
For those who are obedient
Tsquare777(at)gmail.com
The falling is quick and easy, the staying is the real substance. I have been married for 12 years and it is something that has to keep happening. You have to make a decision to love. The most important thing I can do is to say I was wrong and that I am sorry. Even if I am right on an issue, I was wrong to argue.
Amazing how hard those words are to say sometimes.
“Love is a verb”…I remember thinking I was pretty clever when I shouted that at my husband about a month ago during a spectacular throwdown. Knowing it and practicing it are two completely different things. So, in the interest of practicing what I preach, I’m going to end this silly power struggle and go put away his laundry….and turn his socks right side out and re-fold them
Hilarious!
Ok, me too! Convicted – thanks Pete, and maybe i will even hang his shirts right side out this week too. (i really needed to read this).
I have been married for almost 23 years and we stay in love by thanking each other for the little things (doing the laundry, emptying the dishwashers, cleaning the litter box, making coffee, etc.) and then we try to keep doing the little things for each other.
That’s good Greg. Really good.
I don’t wanna hate on Andy Stanley, but I’m pretty sure it was DC Talk who said ‘Luv is a Verb’.
True. But I have to give credit to the one that created the inspiration for me.
I heard Andy give that message years ago and it changed the way I viewed romance. Since then, I’ve written a lot about how love is a choice, not something that happens to us. Making the distinction with my 40+ year married mom just got us in a circular argument. I kept saying that commitment was a daily decision to love someone. She said commitment is what you did because you made a vow to that person.
Is there anyone who has a good way of explaining the difference there to someone who got too tired of making the decision to love and instead just stays out of obligation?
It is true: Love and loving should be a verb.
I’ve been married a long, long time and I have found that by making certain assumptions a part of your firm mindset, that you can stay that way.
1. Assume that you will be together forever- Don’t ever believe there is an alternative. No matter what.
2. Assume your spouse will not agree with you on some- maybe many- things. That’s OK. They are an individual, too, and entitled to see things their own way. Just like you.
3. Assume that your spouse truly loves you. Whatever happens will pass. Love will remain.
4. Assume that your spouse will have bad moods, bad days, aches and pains, temper tantrums. But you still love them, and you can assume that they still love you. Tomorrow will be better.
5. Assume that you will both have your selfish moments. Roll with the flow. Your turn is coming.
I love #3.
I appreciate your wise words, putting them in my journal this am. thanks….
Technically, I’m not allowed to play since I’m not married. But I’ll take my chances and comment anyway. I think that every time you do something loving toward/for your spouse, you sort of cause him or her to fall in love all over again. The verb begets the noun and the noun begets the verb. You do something, your spouse falls deeper in love causing him or her to do something causing you to fall deeper in love. Staying in love means you never stop falling… in my humble (and currently very single) opinion.
Love is a tricky word. We say “love” so freely about the weirdest things. “I love those shoes.” “I love this song.” “I love ice cream.” Even “I love you” is said out of context sometimes. I had recently read somewhere the “Love is a verb” idea, and it really has changed how I behave in my relationship with my boyfriend. Sometimes we get stuck in that rut of familiarity you talked about yesterday, Pete. There’s nothing wrong with being comfortable, but it is a constant struggle to keep things fun and fresh and letting him know I love him. I’ve started doing little things like cooking for him more often, picking up a movie he likes for us to watch, really just trying to practice selfless love. He’s working on reciprocating that effort. Your comment yesterday on how all romantic comedies are about falling in love, but we don’t have many staying-in-love movies. I’d never thought about that before. We girls look for the fairy tale, but we only hear of the Happily Ever After, never how they achieve it or if it was hard to keep it that way. Before I keep rambling, my point is being in a relationship has taught me love is a choice that I must actively pursue to keep love alive and well, and that it’s not always easy. But anything worth keeping is worth working at, right?
Very right!
We make time for each other. Being a Student Ministries Pastor is time consuming with Bible studies, activities and the like so we set aside at least one whole night a week plus Saturday to spend with each other. During the week I will drop off flowers, get her favorite drink or snack and take them to her at her job (she is a middle school math teacher). She tells me the kids get excited to see that I do these things for her and she is able to tell them about our love because it has become action.
Good stuff Joe. Keep it up man!!
I’ve come to see @ this point in my life, that marriages are under attack, and the we are in a war.
So keeping that in mind, I remember that it is a covenant before God and there is power in that covenant. So when I don’t feel loved or vice versa, because I am a feeling person, I am stopping to think more and listen to what my husband is saying and not be so sensitive. Forgiving quickly and trying to remember the things we have in common, because our giftings are so different. So yeah he’s not the enemy and God still does miracles……..
My wife and I both found that a hard part of the lesson because we both said we never really “fell in love.” We just realized one day after being friends for years that God wanted us to be together. So we never really had the hormone-driven high that came from being “in love.” We just really connected deeply with each other as people first and then marriage came on the heels of it. So now, we don’t really do much different in that we do things for each other because of our deep affection for the other. But we’re still thinking about what you said so this answer might change by Wednesday.
This is actually the fertile soil for a lasting and deep love relationship. Don’t knock it! If you need more passion then create it! There is nothing like having the deepest bond of a soul mate for making it through life. This is a blessing!!!!
Oh boy…this is one of my favorite subjects! Eric and I have the privilege of encouraging couples all the time. We have been married for 21 yrs (5 kiddo’s) Marriage is intentional…..like good parenting…it doesn’t “just happen!!”
I learned a long time ago that the opposite of love is not hate as some might think…the opposite of love is selfishness. Every sin can be routed back to selfishness. So in a nutshell…Love Jesus first and passionately(cause every other relationship is an overflow of that relationship!) and be selfless in your marriage…much easier to say than to actually do!
Eric and I look for ways to serve one another!We laugh a great deal and we have a weekly scheduled date. A good marriage is hard work…I know couples who put more work into making their yard beautiful than they put into their marriage and then wonder what went wrong!
Am reading a book – The Love Dare.
I have learnt so much from this book in regard to the subject.
There are so many things we take for granted.
It is so true what you say,”Act loving, be loving, then you’ll feel love.”
Thank you so much for sharing.
Mike and I have been married for just over a year. He’s a full-time architecture grad student, and I am a full-time artist. Our day “jobs” can take up so much time that we’ve committed to planning our schedules every Sunday night, and making sure to make time for one another. We have weekly date nights where we intentionally talk and discuss books that we’re reading to grow in our marriage and as a couple.
Oh, and he makes sure he does the dishes and takes out the trash. That means sooooo much to me.
Like ttm, I am single so I can’t speak out of marriage experience, but I have lots of relationships and every one of them needs love to be a verb. I spent Saturday with a dear friend who faces the first court date of her divorce next week. By the end of the day my heart ached so deeply. There is NOTHING beautiful about divorce and our brokenness without redemption. Right now in their lives love is gone and there is great anger, frustration, and desire to fight for their rights and for control. For those who are married, fight for your marriage! Good, deep, meaningful relationships require loads of forgiveness, grace, and humility. One of things I am learning is that relationships are not about me, but about what God wants to do through the relationships for me, them, and for his glory.
I am trying to look at my relationships and ask, “How can I be a blessing and a vessel for God to use in this relationship?” and realizing the answer involves actions where I must “do” something, and inactions where I need to “stop doing and saying” certain things that do not edify and build. I think the second one may be even harder than the first because some of the things I do are so natural that stopping them is against the grain.
Yes!! I agree. I work in a retail environment and see probably 100-300 people a day. I have been asking myself every day “How can I show love to each person?” There is no formulaic answer because each person needs love in a different way to fit his or her personality, current situation, and needs.
Sometimes love is best conveyed with words, sometimes with touch and sometimes with only a smile or a nod or silence. And, as you so beautifully stated, stopping ourselves from doing or saying what comes naturally to us but won’t help the other person is the hardest thing of all (but probably the most necessary).
My husband & I have been married for 10 years. We got married a week after I turned 18, he was 20. I was given similar advice when we were first married:
“Do it even when you don’t feel like it.”
Over the last 10 years “it” has been any number of things, but it includes things like, folding and putting away his laundry, packing his lunch for work, having the dishwasher empty when he gets home from work so he can fill it, finding his missing college/grad school/seminary textbook(s), having a big glass of ice water waiting when he gets back from a jog, etc.
Since I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for the last almost 7 yrs, I’ve learned that he doesn’t take those things for granted, but that by me doing those things and more, it frees him up to be present with me & the kids when he comes home from work.
By doing those things, even when I don’t feel like it, he feels loved and respected and can spend his thoughts on playing with the kids instead of feeling disrespected and upset.
One more thing I’ve been learning lately is to do a little more when he’s upset. His job has been stressful for about a month now and he’s just been grumpy to varying degrees. If there is an evening I am particularly upset with him, my knee-jerk reaction would be to not make a lunch or make him find his own dress socks in the laundry or some other selfish & childish action. Instead I have to force myself (and pray for God to help me) to go just a little bit beyond what is “normal”. He is always appreciative of the extra steps, but especially when he’s been grumpy.
Sorry to write you a book, but your post really hit a point we’ve been trying to live out in our marriage. Thanks for letting me share!
Yes, you fall in love by loving and loving with maturity.
But beware of loving for the sake of finding love, for it’s become a god of sorts. A cure-all.
If you think about it, reverence for love is the only religion allowed in public schools. And that love is emotional and nostalgic and lust-filled and ultimately empty. (I watched a racy play put on by high schoolers and couldn’t get that off my mind.)
My wife and I have had to remind ourselves that we’re on a journey together – that we’re the team God put together – headed toward maturity in our faith in Christ.
Our loving actions have propelled us forward in our adventure of following Jesus.
My wonderful husband makes love an action word by scooping Lucy’s (our dog) poop. Delivering the caffeine. Wrangling the kids. Being tech support for my side of the family. Researching what he can do to lessen my chronic migraines, and then doing it (hello ionizers all over the house). Putting down the i-phone & paying attention to me when the kids are in bed.
I show him the love with ‘all-you-can-eat bacon Saturdays’, being sure to thank him for all the little (& big) things he does for his family, making it easy for him to have his family in our home, and lastly – & most important one to him – sending him golfing once a week…no guilt attached.
In the last six months of marriage, I learned this first hand. Thanks for the beautiful reminder!
I’m a newlywed, so i’m still in the clouds & have nothing valuable to offer. But i’m bookmarking this post & the comments to revisit in ten years
Great advice y’all, thanks!
You might want to come back in about 4 years.
When my husband and I were going through our pre-marital counseling we were told that it was inevitable that we would one day fall out of love. She went on to say that the key was that it didn’t happen to us at the same time. See it was my job as a wife to remind my husband of why we first fell in love and same for him, to remind me. We’ve been married 7 year in May, no kids, but it’s still difficult. Work and life get in the way and I’ve certainly owned my part in not giving it 100%. About a year ago, we really fell into trouble and were even separate for awhile. We’d tried counseling, therapy, etc. but nothing was really working. He came across a movie, Fireproof, and asked me to watch it one evening. We did and it hit home with us both. We got the Love Dare journal and begin to work at it daily. For me it really opened my eyes to all of the things wrong with ME and all of the expectations that I was putting on the marriage. I realized that no matter how hard he tried, I never really appreciated him for who he was, what he had done, or what he was bringing to our marriage. My view of his was tainted with old, bad memories that I never forgot or forgave him for. Every day was a struggle but I keep going. I know in my heart that he is the one for me, but I also believe that my old pastor and you are dead on. Love was easy, marriage is tough and it takes work. Looking back over all of the things that I’ve done and accomplishments that I’ve had, I can say that Marriage is the toughest thing that I’ve done, ever. But I don’t regret it at all. In fact, I admire my husband more than ever for not only being the man in my life, but being the man that is willing to work on this marriage and do whatever it takes. As you stated so often, no one is perfect. He accepts and loves me for all of my imperfections and that my friend is true love.
P.S. Sorry for the novel. This series couldn’t have come at a better time in my life personally. Thank you for addressing marriage for what it is, not what the world THINKS that it should be. It’s more than a ring, wedding, honeymoon…it’s everything in between.
Praying the series will be helpful Leigh.
13 years ago today she said, “I will”. And she has.
As you go through 1 Cor. 13…all the descriptions Paul uses to teach us what love is…are all actions…”Love is patient, kind, does not envy or boast, keeps no record of wrongs…” etc. Where did we get the idea that it was a feeling?
Having a 27 year marriage end where it was supposedly filled with lots of love, I began to question love. It wasn’t until I began attending a bible based church that I discovered love. Jesus was my example of what love is and what it’s really all about. Now in my second marriage, love (Jesus) is the focal point. I love what Kiki said and I agree actions speaks volumes! You can be smack dab in the middle of a heated “growth opportunity” and it can be shut down by you simply apologizing and make the most incredible chocolate cake to share. Wars can be stopped with a great dessert!
My husband and I have been married 37 years and how do we make it work? committment… and the value that we are family and our children and grandchildren look to us for ‘wisdom’ and to pass the baton of faith till they in turn believe. We struggled in our 25th year and nearly separated but our daughter became pregnant with a crisis pregnancy and in my heart I knew we had to be ‘family’ and rebuild the unit so it would not break. I am not sorry we forged together and worked on the issues. IT was worth it. Now we have six grand children and it is powerful to see that family truly is ‘generational’.
After 23 years I am more in love than ever with my husband. Somewhere in our journey he became the boss. He’s a gentle leader. I’m not sure how we stay in love really. There is something about his steadiness, his faithfulness, his easy ways; that have endeared me to him forever. I actually do not know how to be independent anymore. I will have to trust the Lord to help me if that day comes first. I know we each hope that we are the one to go home first. We are selfish that way. Each of us thinks the other can handle it better. I know I will be a wreck! I think one thing that helps us is we refuse to be on the hamster wheel of speed. We take time to really look into one another’s eyes. We take time to listen. We try and notice things the other does and give some appreciation. I do my best to give my husband respect. I know he loves me. I have noticed that when I verbally acknowledge a service he has done or the way he leads us it makes him feel much better than just an “I love you”. If you notice your mates responses then you can give them the type of affirmation they like best. That takes more time and sensitivity.
Be patient. Dance in the kitchen. Kiss in front of your children and never be embarrassed to be in love.
Pete, we are so excited about this series! We are newlyweds – four months this Sunday! =] – and are so grateful to learn so much more about love so early in our marriage.
Also reminds us of this Andrew Peterson song….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtTa81LyuQM
A few things that have helped us:
1. We go to bed together almost all the time. Aside from the obvious, this keeps us from being strangers living in the same house.
2. We say “I love you” before bed every night. As a woman, even if we’re a little grumpy at each other, this offers a huge measure of security.
3. Regular date nights to catch up and not be in parent mode.
4. We may get upset at each other, but we always always always talk things out rather than letting unresolved issues build up. Even if we don’t see eye to eye, resolving conflict rather than burying it is a must.
5. A small thing, but when we are upset at each other,I almost always go out of my way to do something extra nice for him. Making a snack, doing a job he does, whatever. It totally melts my anger because I’m humbling myself and also diffuses his. Win/win!!
Good stuff Liz.
First and foremost, you have to realize that VERBS required/denote ACTION.
Or, another way, Ya’gotta WORK at it.
If you do not commit, as a couple, to have both time and behavior that places the RELATIONSHIP in a priority that is only second to Christ, then your chance of not “staying” in love goes ‘WAY UP!
“Loving” your spouse (agape, phileo, and eros, all) requires time, commitment, patience, PLANNING, cutting them some slack, and a lot of “Christ-like compassion”.
Just my $0.02US.
Buddy
30 Years Married, & STILL an amateur!
After 30 years I thought you would have it all figured out.
I think you have to realize that not only is love a verb, sometimes it comes down to something as mundane as “choice”.
Some days I look at my dear sweet hubby and his breathing annoys me. Then he opens his eyes… and that annoys me too. Then He speaks; I think you get the idea… on those days, I have to make a choice. Do I choose to love him today for all his quirks, and in spite of the fact that his quirks are on my last nerve?
Today, YES! I choose love. Why? Because Today he chooses to love me, and just like with the Father, how can I not return that love?
We’ve been married 22 years. It is my one of my proudest accomplishments!
As a marriage grows and evolves over the years, the needs and goals of each person are in constant flux as well. Love is nurtured and maintained by an ever-changing balance of caring, mercy, compassion, understanding and respect freely and unselfishly given from one partner to the other.
I’m single, but my parents have been married for 40+ years. My dad always told me (as I cried to the ending of all those romantic movies) that the ‘end of the movie is just the beginning of their story’. I never forgot that.
Watching my parents, gave me a healthy respect for Marriage.
That’s good wisdom.
Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything like this before. So good to find any person with some unique ideas on this subject. realy thanks for beginning this up. this website is something that is needed on the internet, someone with a bit of originality. helpful job for bringing one thing new to the internet!
Thank you, thank you, Pete, for once again talking about something that was on my mind this week! How do you do that? My husband and I just returned from a little 20th anniversary trip and I’d been thinking about how much MORE we love each other now than the day we got married. Sure, when we met and fell in love, we had the butterflies and the tingly feeling and the never wanting to be apart, but it’s really scary to think how little we knew each other then, compared to now. Now we are an extension of each other, and I think the hard times have made us stronger, because we have learned to each give in a little bit, to try to never go to bed angry, and to suck it up even when we’re angry and not say mean things to each other. And always apologize, even if we think we’re right. Looking forward to the rest of the series!
I found CS Lewis helpful in “Mere Christianity”. And amazingly at the time, he wasn’t even married, but as a 22 yr old marriage veteran! I find his words resonate with my marriage many decades later … here are a few …
“People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on “being in love” for ever.
As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change – not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last… but if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest.
- CS Lewis”
Great quote.
Congrats on the 20th Anniversary.
love your spouse right where they are emotionally, spiritually, physically, sexually, not where you wish they were. Be Tender. serve them, laugh with them, admire them. Remember them as your friend, have compassion through their trials and pray hard! Don’t take your spouse for granted,or presume that your love will remain when everything else is a priority but them. Surround yourselves with couples who love their spouses well and learn from them.