Losing Well
I’ve confessed before that parenting is the greatest challenge I’ve ever faced. If there is any challenge that even compares, it would be marriage, but that’s a topic for another post (I love you Brandi).
Among my many challenges is teaching my kids to lose well. Two of my kids are incredible competitors who don’t like to lose at all. They get it honestly. Brandi and I both share that attribute. One time, about a year after we got married, I crushed her in a Yahtzee game and she locked herself in her closet for almost an hour. But I digress. 
I have no doubt this competitive streak will serve them well as adults, but as kids it’s quite annoying at times.
Case in point…
Any suggestions?
Sorry….I’ve got no words of wisdom. All I can say is I am so glad we are past that stage in life!!!
I honestly don’t remember doing anything special, mine are now 17 & 20 so I could have forgotten!, but we never stopped playing games and eventually, they grew to understand more and more about winning and losing.
I have one that is extremely competitive even now and the other couldn’t care less if she wins, she just wants to have fun!
Get him a Jay Cutler jersey
With the kids I nanny for a little upset is okay but if they get into full on fit over not winning we just ask them to go take a moment to calm down on their own and then if they want to come back and play later they can. I believe it teaches them to walk away instead of lashing out and how to re-center themselves on their own. Thankfully, taking a moment usually involves looking at a book or snuggling a favorite toy briefly before they quickly want to get back into being a part of the fun we’re all having. If it was the 4 year old, I’ll wait until later in the day when we’re talking before nap to help her try and put words and names to the emotions she was feeling.
Good stuff Andie.
As an aunt of a little boy who takes losing incredibly hard, I wish I could impart some sage wisdom, but alas I cannot. My sister and b-i-l both struggle with it as well. He cried two weeks ago during his Upward basketball game because he had kept the score in his head and knew they were losing. My sister went over to him on the sidelines and told him if he couldn’t handle loss any better than that he’d not be playing any sports anymore. He wanted to impress everyone who was there to see him play-there was a special appearance by his Nana and Paw including me and his little brother too. He’s got the approval addict gene like his aunt…and I’m still trying to take losses well.
I just have to be honest here and say how relieved I am that my family is not the only one who deals with this! How I can relate to the Yahtzee story….and we have passed this on to our children! Our kids even argue over who was born first….
Lord, help us!
That is hilarious Kristen.
Over the weekend Pete our almost perfect grandson showed why he the almost is applicable. He was playing Wii and his father has ingrained in him about never losing and always being competitive. He didn’t do something well (I was in the other room so not sure what game they were playing) and threw his control down on the floor in anger. Needless to say that did not sit well with his mom. As a grandfather when the mother is there my hands would have been tied had I seen it. I was glad to see my daughter tell him he will be playing any more but would sit on the couch and watch. I think that hurt him more than being spanked and sent to his room. He ached to play again. But he has got to learn there is acceptable ways to be competitive. My key was to always try to be consistent.
Texas Hold em…it moves a lot slower:)
We may break that out tonight.
Screencap:
http://www.crossing.org/wwf01.jpg
I am in the middle of crushing my Mom in Words with Friends. I posted a screen cap on Facebook and my siblings/friends started bashing me for whopping it up on my Mom in a game.
I felt no remorse whatsoever.
Welcome to my world!! I have lived through this one Pete, and w/ great parenting (which you guys bring to the table) there is hope! My oldest, Cole…we call him coletrain is super competitive. He races to see who can finish their cereal first. Today he is 12 and still has a super competitive drive yet it is tempered and rooted in Christ and what really matters in life…loosing a football game (not so much). there is hope, consistency & seizing every teachable moment possible. Loved your post & honesty!
Love the real life application!! Great teaching opportunity for all of us. I regret that I have been so competitive and hate to lose so much I have always refused to play games. Now that my kids are 19 and 15 I missed out on some great opportunities to teach and deal with my own “losing well” issues. Luckily, God offered plenty of other opportunities for this lesson and showing unconditional love to them whether winning or losing always won out. I propably would have crushed them in Yahtzee…just joking(kind of)!
No suggestions only commiseration! We have two over the top competitive boys as well. Makes for fun family dynamics if you have a game night, who gets the front seat, well pretty much every aspect of life is a competition at times. I think their competitive nature is good most of the time, but when they become obsessed with winning and become “sore” losers we have a problem. One thing that has helped a little is putting the shoe on the other foot and have them observe how the other team handles winning and losing. Hopefully helping them become gracious winners and healthy in their moments of defeat.
we used to fight over who got to sit in the front seat until Mom said that whomever sat in back got to pick the radio station as the “consolation” prize for not getting the better seat. It wasn’t long before we got sick of the other person’s music and wanted a chance to have a turn in back so we could hear our station. just an idea.
Teach them to lose well by consistently beating their socks off. Practice makes perfect.
Seriously though, my Dad always whomped me in ping pong. He didn’t rub it in too much but he sure didn’t let up. It was a great feeling when I finally beat him.
I think this is a maturity thing. Keep playing games and teaching lessons and eventually they will learn to have fun with competition and not just winning. We can’t expect our kids to act like adults.
Awww! Wow…ummm…well, the first thing that comes to mind is kind of what I am going through right now (which is our son is knocking on 3 years old, and oh my gosh if he is not testing my buttons more than ever…and my patience is growing.very.thin at times).
It is a step by step process learning how to address our children’s sinful natures – and in the process, it’s teaching us also how to deal with ours.
I am not too fond of the gut punch moments myself – but lately, when it is coming to my child, I have been experiencing them a lot; and I doubt it is a coincidence God has me deep in study of sin right now, as well as feeling like I am getting nowhere at times with him.
I am starting to wonder if we will keep coming back to certain moments, with our kids in particular, as a means for Him to draw us deeper into Him – and once we start to embrace the lessons He is teaching us [through their sinful natures], is when they will start catching the lesson themselves?
What do you think?
I am the chaplain at an all boys private elementary school in Memphis and deal with this daily. My oldest son is also this way. He cannot stand to lose. He gets that from me as well. Our school is full of dads who are successful and want their kids to be successful. I am sure you can understand how that fleshes out. It is over the top to say the least. The most competitive sport in America is parenting! Here is one suggestion: bring your video camera to the next game and only film his reactions. Boys can learn alot from you showing them how they act when they lose. Rather than hear me or someone else tell them they acted poorly, they learn a great deal from seeing it themselves. It is a struggle and I appreciate your honesty.
If you figure this out, you should write a book. Maybe call it “Plan Z” as in last resort. My boys use to crack me up arguing over who sat in the front seat, of other peoples car.
Plan B, great book.
Loved the video! I have boys who are 5 & 3, and they turn everything into a contest. Every.single.time we get into the car, there’s a race to see who is buckled first. Frequently there is much angst from the loser.
I make sure that the 5 year old, who frequently stomps the 3 year old in games, is regularly skunked by his mother in dominoes, Uno, and memory (though I confess he beats me an embarrassing amount of the time). I use his losses as teachable moments for learning to lose well, and understanding how his brother feels when he beats him.
We also work on how to congratulate the winner. That way it takes focus off how frustrated they are to lose.
I agree with several different commenters. Yes, you should win and they should lose. You learn and earn the winning game. But they need to play games with you were their odds of winning are increased…destructive behavior to themselves whether in word or deed or directed at people or objects must be dealt with consistently and swiftly. The idea of having them leave the game to collect themselves and then allowing them back in only after they have calmed waaaay down is very good. This always worked with my kids. Mine also had to sit where they could watch for a few rounds before returning to the actual game; it was like a probationary period so i could gauge how calm they really were.
I like your choice of words, “losing well” as losing is never fun or easy for those who are competitive or have never lost before. I think the best thing we as parents can do is allow our kids to actually experience losing. Slowly providing opportunities for our kids to experience winning and losing will hopefully make the shock of losing more bearable. In a day where kids receive ribbons just for showing up, you can see why losing can be such a shock to their system. Seeing my 6 year old son lose his first wrestling match this winter was hard, but I have already seen the security he gains by losing, crying for a minute and then getting over it and being ready to wrestle again. It is important to teach our children that they will lose sometimes and that is okay to be bummed about it. However they must ultimately know that they can overcome it. Hoping to see the fruits of our labor as we are just entering the phase of life where opportunities to “lose well” will be increasing.
We’ve dealt with this a lot in our house! I just find that some time alone to chill out helps and it just gets so much easier when they’re a bit older.
I think Brandi was on to something with the locking in the closet — That’s where I put Brewer Saturday night
(just kidding) Glad I got to experience it first hand!
Jett gave him the best advice that night “Brewer, with that attitude you’re never gonna win” Nothing like a big brother’s words of wisdom
Do what I do–hang on and enjoy the ride.
No suggestions, but IF you figure it out, please blog about it and let us know! I have a teenage son who is fiercely competitive…and though there is a time and place for that…some times it is not pretty.
I don’t have the slightest clue. It’s something I’m not too good at either, especially when it comes to Uno. Maybe you should play things you know you’ll win so they get use to losing, not one boy wins and the others loose. I know I learned more about losing when I lost/won to an elder as opposed to a peer.
How about “Best Sport Wins a Prize!”
(Attitude wins!)
Best two out of three gets a new Transformer at the end of Game Night.
Whoever is the most fun, the most encouraging, the most others-focused gets rewarded.
Kids won’t need to learn how to lose well if it never happens. But then that would mean I’d have to let my kids win, and I’d never let that happen.
Well speaking honestly, there’s nothing fun in losing other than playing the game again and hoping you’ll get that lucky break that you somehow lost. It can bring so much drama, but the memories are never lost, (esp. the time you beat your brother’s winning streak in monopoly and he cried.) It makes my heart glad to see you’re playing games with your kids, I still play battleship with my grandson( he’s good @ losing, because he keeps telling me how close I am) but when he gets it I’ll be the one crying! Enjoy and keep trying………
Pete, Is it even possible to lose well? Hey, you only ended up with some bent UNO cards, we have had broken Wii remotes, etc. My Husband was playing Memory with our 5 year old recently, and he asked me if he should actually try or just let her win. She told him that she wanted him to try is best, but when he won, the tears were flowing!! “It’s not fair, Mommy!” I’m excited to see any suggestions, as well!! Good Luck!
I’m actually working on a blog post titled “Learn to Lose Like a Winner”… the idea is this, “In order to truly win like a WINNER, we must first learn to LOSE like a winner.”
It should be a good one.
Something that we have tried to model and teach (definitely not perfectly by any stretch of the imagination) is choosing to celebrate with the other person when they win or they get something that you didn’t, etc. It definitely is a learning curve for all of us.
Two quick points:
1. My wife is an Occupational Therapist in public schools and this is actually one of the things of which she has to work with some children. Some become violent, cry hysterically, etc. Sometimes (and I’m not implying this pertains to you) it is a result of parents ALWAYS letting little Johnny win – so they’ve never HAD to deal with it; other times it is a much deeper issue. I guess I should say it’s always a deeper issue as sin pervades every fiber of our being – including our precious children. Selfishness, putting ourselves before others, finding contentment and worth in our performance…ouch.
2. Tedd Tripp’s book “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” is the most biblical approach to parenting I have ever read. It deals with this to some degree. In Chapter 6: Reworking Your Goals Tripp writes,”Are we not encouraging pride that comes from the capacity to perform?” Then later, “Many activities teach your children to trust in themselves, when the Scripture says that those who trust in themselves are fools whose hearts turn from God.”
We have had to discipline our daughter as a result of throwing small tantrums when she does not get her way (I’m sure the poor loosing will soon follow). Where some would say that a spanking is over the top for such – this biblical mandate in rearing children is wonderfully addressed within Tripp’s book. We calmly instruct her why what she is doing is selfish and sinful (or whatever is occurring), followed by the fact that we are under God’s authority to correct her to keep her within God’s will, we go on to explain she is under our authority, then clearly define expectation and many spankings she’ll get, then give the spanking(s), and finally explain we are not angry with her and love her as we finish with a hug and a kiss. This consistent process helps her young heart address the sin rather than teaching her how to manipulate a system and therefore merely delving into behavior modification.
I’m not saying we have it all together BY ANY MEANS – just wanted to plug what I think is a phenomenally Godly work which is biblically rooted.