Last week I wrote a post on “What Community Doesn’t Do” and I thought I would follow it up this week with one that looks specifically at marriage.
Jason Boyett recently wrote a great piece for Relevant entitled “5 Expectations Marriage Doesn’t Meet.” I thought I would piggy back his post with a few of my own thoughts.
MARRIAGE WON’T FIX YOUR SPIRITUAL WALK I often hear individuals talk about how when they get married they’re going to start praying with their spouse and they’re going to start reading the Bible with their spouse and they’re finally going to find a Christ centered community to be a part of.
My experience is that if you’re not incorporating these spiritual disciplines into your life while you’re single you’re probably not going to magically start doing it just because you got married.
MARRIAGE WILL FIX THEM Huge mistake. So many people go into a marriage thinking…
-Oh I know he’ll start talking nicer to me once we’re married.
-Oh I know she’ll stop spending so much money once I’m in charge of the finances.
-Oh I know they won’t hang out with their friends so much or I know they’ll start hanging out with friends more once we get married.
If you’re not married can I suggest that you should probably marry someone for who they are today instead of who you hope the might become tomorrow?
MARRIAGE WILL CURE ME Over the years I’ve talked with countless people who were convinced once they got married they wouldn’t struggle with lust anymore. Any of you guys care to chime in on this one? Listen marriage will not fix your issues. Whether it’s lust, pornography, over eating, over spending, gossip, unresolved conflict with your past, or lonliness.
These issues and many like them will probably only gain more steam and become more hidden in your life. I could keep going but let’s open it to you guys.
What do you think marriage won’t do?
I’ve been learning that marriage won’t fix that void I can feel in my heart. Only Jesus can do that. Once that place is filled, I know that God will create a place in my heart for the man I’m supposed to marry.
Dang, between you and Justin today I should have just stayed in bed!
I’ve learned the hard way that the heart issues can only be fixed by God, nothing else will take his place.
Spot on!
Especially with the “Cure Me” part. I may be the first to chime in on the lust aspect (maybe not depends on how long it takes me to write this i guess).
I preached on commandment 7 a couple weeks ago at church, as you can imagine it was really heavy. I decided to take this week of the series not because I wanted to but because I felt God calling me to. I felt that he did because this it was something my wife & I had to deal with during our engagement. She asked me 1 day if I had ever struggled with porn, & I remember thinking that I had 2 options in that moment: 1-I could lie or 2-I could tell her the truth & admit it.
So I chose option 2.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I know that if i hadn’t, our marriage wouldn’t be what it is today (or if we would even still be married) if I had just lied & hoped that once we got married everything would change instantaneously. Fortunately, my wife is a very Godly woman & she forgave me, but earning the trust again took a LONG time.
I used to lead an accountability group of underclassmen when I was in college & they asked me 1 day (shortly after I was married) if the temptation goes away once you get married. I think this is a question that many people have whether they want to admit it or not.
Thanks for sharing Dan!
marriage won’t:
- be like in the movies.
- be like dating.
- be like floating on the lazy river ride at water world with a lemonade in your hand.
- keep you from being a jerk.
- keep you from being bored.
- keep you from gaining 20 pounds and wearing pleated pants.
- cause you to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.
- cause you to wake up in the morning, thanking God for your spouse.
- cause you to wake up in the morning with minty fresh breath and beautifully coiffured hair.
marriage will:
- take work.
- take more work.
- take years and years of your life.
- teach you how to share.
- teach you how to sacrifice.
- teach you how to avoid arguments right before you get in the car to go to church.
- be a learning experience.
- be a growing experience.
- be a God experience.
Well said.
what he said! especially “be like the movies”
For some reason, the movie “War of the Roses” came to mind
Tony, not the one I was thinking of LOL!
never seen it. or heard of it, that i can think of…?
and which movie were you thinking of, amy?
+1. i like the ‘take work. take more work.’ haha. well said!
reminds me of gary thomas’ “sacred marriage” text…what better arena than marriage do we have to learn to ‘love the LORD your GOD with all your heart, mind, and strength and love others as yourselves.’
Sacred Marriage- great book! Didn’t he just tell it like it is & really bring it to what it is supposed to be… “what if God didn’t give us marriage to make us happy but to make us holy.”
Preach it!!!!!!!!!
Amen to marriage not curing a porn problem. What a complete lie that too many guys buy into. Just be accountable, already, and when you’re married, include her in the accountability process.
When I met the woman that I would marry, she was a single teenager. I didn’t expect her to stay that way.
I knew going into marriage, that age, motherhood, and dealing with me on a daily basis would change who she was. I will celebrate 20 years of marriage with my wife this month. 20 years ago she was a 19 year-old single lady. Today she is a married ‘nearly’ 40 year old mother of two.
There is a lot of change between those two persons.
I know you meant change in those ‘undesirable’ personality traits that we believe we can love out of a person but I had to add 2 cents that there is some change that should be expected, otherwise, 10 years go by and you look across the table at your spouse and think “you are not the same person I married” and that may lead to negative thoughts.
For me it was Captivating Unveiling The Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge that brought me to the realization that my husband could not answer my question.
I married a wonderful man who does not naturally offer compliments; He must be purposeful, it takes effort.
God is good all the time.
I have girlfriends who married men who can’t say enough wonderful things about them. Compliment here, compliment there… seems nice. And it is- for them. They can handle it. They can receive compliments and still continue to seek The King.
Me. Well, if I had a hubby who seemingly answered my question(s) with his compliments then I wound not continue to seek my answers from Christ alone. Sad truth, but it is truth. And the Truth sets me free!
So for me marriage does not answer the longings of my heart. I am part of something bigger (an adventure, a journey), I am valuable, and I am beautiful because of Him alone.
And when my husband looks at me and says he is thankful for me or that I am beautiful, I am free to receive that with gratitude, no strings attached!
same here. that book was life-changing. Wild at Heart was life-changing for my hubby as well.
Might I say that marriage most certainly does not cure lust. In fact I would say that once married the attack of lust becomes greater. At least that is what I have found to be true in my life. Just my two cents.
Agreed
It just so happens that today is the 10 year anniversary of my wife and I tying the knot, so I have to chime in on this. Marriage doesn’t automatically change your understanding of what genuine love is. In fact, marriage just magnifies it and accelerates the results of it. So if you have a crooked understanding of love, marriage will magnify that 10 times over. We can’t go into marriage believing that we’ll automatically be straightened out with regards to love. We can only learn how to truly love from the one that is true love. I’ve learned a lot about love in my marriage, but only through the filter of God’s Word and His continual involvement in our lives.
Happy Anniversary Rusty!
Thanks! Gonna spend the weekend in D.C. to celebrate! Ruth’s Chris here we come!
Marriage doesn’t end the pursuit, the courting and the romancing of your wife. What marriage does hopefully is to have someone on your side during plan B moments.
the standard opinion is that we’re looking for our “second half” and when we marry, we become “whole”… marriage will not make us whole. and we’re not only a half-person before we get married.
*shrug* not married yet, so that’s my IMHO.
(and i agree with everything JamesBrett said)
yeah.. I think we get that out of context.. we don’t become Whole. We become One.
Or at least we work at being one.
Marriage to someone who is your opposite personality type will not make you a complete person. And all the things that drew you to your opposite can be the very things that irritate the crap out of you once you’re married for awhile. Marriage is a work in progress. Once you think you’ve arrived at where you need to be, things can go downhill quickly. It’s work and it’s a lifelong committment. At least it should be.
Make you happy, at least satisfy you to the point of being ultimately happy and content. As a single guy I often think that when I find “the one” i will find happiness. But ultimately I am setting myself up for disaster because we both cannot deliver perfection and ultimate happiness.
Marriage will not meet every expectation but will exceed many. I’ve only been married for 2 months, and I’m finding that expectations (that I didn’t even consciously realize I had prior to marriage) are preventing me from being grateful & enjoying the many blessings of marriage.
I knew marriage would be work, but I figured the first few months or year would be so fun that it wouldn’t be hard….it’s fun, but it’s hard too. Thank goodness for a redeeming Savior that we can both fix our gaze on.
Wow, where to start? I thought that we could create our marriage “from scratch” and that we would no longer carry guilt or pain from our past because marriage would erase all that. I also thought it would keep me from being like my own mother (not that she was all that bad!) because my husband was so different than my father. I thought we would always, always feel totally, passionately, head over heels in love with each other, find all the little quirks about one another adorable, never get bored, never yell, never feel lonely, never go to bed angry.
I think the biggest myth I believed was that if we did do these things (yell, get bored, get annoyed, etc) that we had failed or our marriage was broken. I’m learning to make more room for imperfection and a new concept of a successful marriage that doesn’t have to always look like a romantic movie.
Many people quote Paul in 1 Cor. 11 in their wedding. I am waiting for someone to quote Paul in 1 Cor. 7:28…”But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.”
never seen that written in calligraphy.
I am so glad I have my bride. But marriage doesn’t minimize the issue you bring into it…it magnifies then.
oops…first reference should be 1 cor. 13…
I don’t like the title of “doesn’t do” because marriage can actually do some of these things.
Jon Acuff tweeted this:
“I fear sometimes we Christians publish 10 books on how bad lust can be for every 1 book on how good sex can be”
This is how I feel about marriage and blogs.
great tweet, too bad it’s not reality.
Well next time younwrite a post on Without Wax I’ll let you title it.
It would be wise to cut expectations in half.
CAN I just point out that marriage WILL magnify your issues! You are SO ON THE MONEY about what it won’t do to fix, but in addition it will show what’s broken! That’s WHY it doesn’t fix anything! Know what I mean? You have patience issues, you have lust issues, you have insecurity issues, you have jealously issues, not only do these NOT get fixed, they become MAGNIFIED! You’re not less worried about where your spouse is, you’re MORE worried – and it’s YOUR issue that’s the problem! You’re never gonna be perfect going in, but you can be as healthy as possible.
LOVE THIS ONE, PASTOR PETE!!
For all that it is not, may I just add here what it is (to me, anyway)?
A marvelous, wonderful blessing!
Great blog, Pete, and marriage won’t cure loneliness or stupidity either. Marriage is making me wiser, more patient, forgiving, a better encourager, more honest about myself, humble and wanting to chase down God every day! But that’s only after 42 years of marriage for me.
Marriage doesnt work if theres jealousy, selfishness, impatience, sloth, wrath, envy, greed, dishonesty, disrespect, mistrust, addictions, obsessions, negative attitude, dependency, control/power wars, abuse etc.
If you arent comfortable with who you are, you wont be comfortable with who your spouse is. If you dont love yourself, your spouse’s love will never be enough.
Marriage if willingly worked upon, is a lesson is give and take. If we dont know how to balance that, then its better to stay single.
Marriage is not about 1/2+1/2 = 1. It is 1 and 1 = 11.
Marriage will not complete us (sorry Jerry McQuire fans:). Only Christ can complete us.
I needed this post because lately I’ve been thinking that I “need a husband someday to lead me, because otherwise I’ll keep thinking the wrong things. ”
Seeing my mentor and her husband is so amazing. They have been married for 2 years, and the way he leads her in inspiring. He always reminds her that “he can’t be Christ for her” when she would start to try to find her fulfillment in him instead of Christ. He also redirects her thinking towards Christ and that quote in 1 Peter about outward adornment when she is stressing over what to wear. Things like that show me that yes, there are godly Christian men out there.
But a husband will not fix my thinking. Only the Holy Spirit can do that!
Thanks, Pete.
This post and all the answers are exactly what I needed to read and think about right now!
Marriage isn’t going to somehow give you security. If you’re so insecure that you constantly feel like you need a guy or a gal on your arm, then you need to seek your security in God.
The point at which you’re okay being all by yourself, and finding your security in God, is the point at which you’re ready to be married…I think.
I have heard all of this about marriage before and I am grateful that I continue to hear this.
Thanks for putting a post up about this!