I’ve noticed a nasty little habit in my life lately. I call it “private confession.”
I’ve found it easy to confess my sins to God privately without going directly to the people I’ve impacted by my sin. I’ve got a feeling this is a disturbing tendency for most of us.
Personally it’s just so painful to go to someone and say…
I’m sorry my jealousy kept me from celebrating your recent success.
I’m sorry my out-of-control schedule has kept me from spending quality time with you.
I’m sorry my self-centered ego has kept my conversation completely focused on me.
I’m sorry my unchecked, lustful mind has damaged our intimacy.
I’m sorry.
So easy to say to God and yet so difficult to say to the people around us.
Matt 5 23″Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Great post!
I think it is especially hard for pastors because we often feel that we can’t let anyone know that we struggle with sin too…other than the “I’ve not been reading my Bible enough” confessions we make. The fact of the matter is though, we need to have those people in our lives we can confess to, on top of confessing to the people we harm.
Ugh! So hard to go there sometimes. For me, it’s so much about having to deal with the sin once it’s confessed to the damaged party. God shows me over and over that I need to surrender all these things I want to cling to, because for some stupid reason I think I know better than He does. It all comes down to pride rearing its ugly head.
You nailed it: Pride.
Convicting post! I have had to go to a friend a couple of years ago and had to confess to them about something. And she responded with such love, that made me realize that I am as blessed as she is. It was very hard to do, but it definitely brought us closer together.
I don’t know many people who actually go to someone and confess a sin against them. I have to admit, I’m very slow to do it, but I most certainly admire those who do. Thank you for the reminder that this piece is an important as the confession to God.
The beautiful thing is, if we’ve created this unhealthy habit, we’re also capable of reversing it. The more we confess and own up to our shortfalls, the easier it becomes to do so, and… the gift in this is that the next time, knowing our sin won’t remain hidden from those we’re sinned against, we are less likely to commit the same sin again.
It takes courage, but it’s SO worth it.
Pete, sometimes I wonder why I subscribe to your blog. Such conviction!!! It would definitely be more comfortable to read something else, but I need (and value) the challenge to live a more authentic life.
Thanks for saying what I don’t like hearing.
Sometimes I wonder why anyone would subscribe to this blog.
I think it’s because you have mastered the art of saying something worth hearing in just a few words. I love that you speak truth and I don’t have to wade through 5 paragraphs to get to it.
Yes. I do the same. Also, I am thinking that an accountability partner is NOT an adequate substitution for confessing to the person(s) involved.
I can relate.
The weird thing is how I can feel comfortable confessing sin to a holy God, and struggle to confess to those who are sinful like me.
Seems kind of backwards doesn’t it?
Dave
I was thinking the exact same thing Dave. I don’t get it.
Don’t you think it’s because our Holy God also has mercy and our fellow man, not so much? Unfortunately, for me, sometimes that translates into fearing man more than God. I have to constanly remind myself that the fear of man is a snare.
That’s it for me Julie – confessing to people can often permanently damage a relationship. If I told my husband half of the things I struggle with, he would probably leave! We have to be careful with confession. I read the King James Version and it says “confess your faults one to another” not “confess your sins.” There is a big difference in my mind between a sin and a fault. A sin is more concrete whereas a fault is more general – A fault would be “I have a hard time controlling my appetite” – a sin would be “today I ate 3 large pizzas, 5 gallons of ice cream and a 2 liter of soda.” (this is just an example, but you know where I’m going with it.) What does everyone else think?
My first thought, too. Is it possibly in part because we don’t have to look into the actual face of God? We don’t see the hurt and disappointment in His eyes, but we do in the people we talk to?
I have no good answer here.
You know, as I have thought about it today, I wonder if the judgement is real or imagined. My fear of judgement means I’m setting their opinion above the Lord’s in some ways and that is idolatry. Not sure about it all as it’s just been stirring around in my mind today.
It’s okay, Pete, I forgive you all of these things. Except for #3.
In all seriousness, I need to confess all of these things too… and more. Great post.
ok.. so that made me laugh..
Not only is pride a problem but the ‘fear factor’ as well. We humans seek the route of least resistance and we know that God, by His nature, will respond in grace – that is His promise – and yet we fear that those we have hurt may not respond as gracefully. So, it is just easier to go to God. I am not embarrassed as I should be before Him – yet I would be mortified to confess to the friend.
I think the answer must be in seeking a life that is so deeply rooted in being close to the risen Savior that His light shines through me. It is my ugly fallen-ness that fosters the ‘fear factor’; but His perfect love drives out that fear – even the fear of what my friend will think of me and my failures.
I should have read through all of the comments before I replied. I totally agree with yo0u, Mike.
It’s crazy to thin how easy it is to confess to God, but when it comes to opening up to others…it gets tough.
You’re right, Pete. It’s a lot harder to confess to people that we’ve failed. God knows that already. That’s why confession is just coming to agreement with God, right?
I also think Mike in Milwaukee brings up an excellent point. We know that God will respond in grace, and our human acquaintances might not.
Not long ago I blogged about a related topic, but the best response is in the embedded video (for which I can’t take credit).
http://www.frugalcreativity.com/2010/06/where-healing-begins.html
When I started my recovery from my addiction, I tried to be more proactive in doing this and it ended up causing me a lot of additional pain. Most of the time people were gracious about it but I had more than a few people take what I told them and use it against me later on. So, I would stop doing it as much because I didn’t want to give people ammo to cut me down.
I really wish sometimes I could get back to the point I don’t care if someone uses an apology to wound me in return for it and just do what God calls us to do. I’m just too human sometimes.
These words hurt my heart and I’m sure are at the crux of why so many of us don’t confess to the people we’ve hurt.
Pete I agree pride may be a large factor as well as fear of the reaction, but also I think often times our egos (which is similar but yet different from pride) get in the way from our confessing our sins to the person(s) harmed.
What is the difference between pride and ego Ernie. Wondering if there is any easy way to communicate it because I’ve always had a tough time telling the difference.
If you get a few minutes I would love to hear more.
Not to butt in, but it seems to me that pride is just one of the many (un)lovely faces the ego wears to protect itself so it doesn’t have to look inside.
Its weird that this is something that we should all do and really feel comfortable doing seeing as how we all struggle and are full of sin and yet this is something that seems to be the hardest.
Maybe it is because we know God knows that we do not have it all figured out and so we are okay with being honest with Him.
But we still want to hold onto the hope that others see us as having it figured out and if we confess we lose that appeal.
I think that is what it is for me.
I just sent an apology email to someone and I DID NOT WANT TO DO IT! But knew I needed to..This is what prompted me to do it…NOW! “Nothing wears our hearts and souls down faster than division in our closest relationships.” THANKS FOR YOUR WORDS!
A resonating voice in our heart leads us back to face our convicting moments where the love of Christ speaks the loudest.
What katdish said. Pride visibly sucks the life and sensibility out of people, particularly those who believe (and not necessarily wrongly) they have an image to uphold. We need to remember we’re all human, sinfully human, and we all put our pants on one leg at a time.
Thanks, Pete. I think. Sigh.
GUILTY!!!
Over the past couple of years, I’ve learned to say “I’m sorry for…” to my son. Losing patience with him is my biggest thing – and learning the art of apologizing to a young child has taught me a lot. Of course, he’s a bit safer than other adults. But as a result, I’ve become more comfortable with those words – thus allowing me to say it with my husband and more recently, a bit more with peers. The confrontation isn’t easier, but the words are.
I think so many times I don’t even want to do the private confession. Part of that is coming to grips with the fact that I have been living in sin, and part of it is because it doesn’t change anything inside. The public confession leads to reconciliation and peace when you take your offering to God afterwards. When we skip the first part, the second part has less meaning to us. What I need is the courage and strength to go to the people I’ve affected in my sin and confess to them. Then the courage to continue towards God with that same confession to enjoy the peace of reconciliation through the blood of Christ and the strength from the Spirit to avoid those sins.
Hmm, this was the message of our sermon yesterday and here it is pooping up to me again today. Clearly God is trying to teach me something. I thought i got it yesterday, but after reading the comments i’m learning more.
I’m ashamed to say apologizing/confessing/repenting to those i’ve wronged has never been easy for me, even though i feel so much better afterwards. Forgiveness hasn’t been easy for me either. I’ve been working on forgiveness a lot lately. thinking i need to add confession & apologizing to my list.
Surely it’s not a stretch the think my lack of eagerness to forgive others is closely related to my lack of eagerness to confess my sins to others as well.
Ugh. I meant to say “popping” up to me again today.
Spelling fail
It’s okay. I had to delete a tweet the other day because I said two cuss words. They were both typos and I was really tired.
This is one of my favorite typos on the blog. Ever!!
HaHa, glad i gave y’all a laugh. Clearly there’s a reason i never won a spelling contest
This is so dead on! I think it’s easier to say a spur of the moment “Oh I’m sorry!” for something “small” than to actually go to that person and say “Hey, what I did–what I’ve been doing–what I’ve been thinking–I’m truly sorry.” We think that if we just toss it up to God, he’s going to relay the message. But we’re suppose to be His messengers. We’re called to walk in Christ’s image and it’s important to think about how Jesus would handle that situation.
Praying for you Pete!!
Great post, Pete. How about doing a post on the flip side too? I would love to see what your readers have to say about the forgiving side. When you get an “I’m Sorry”, how do you respond? In our house there is an “I forgive you” with each offered apology. The apology is placing everything about you that is ugly in your hands and setting it before someone you care about. Having them extend grace and hearing the words “I forgive you” is a very humbling and beautiful thing. Discuss.
As others have mentioned, for me it’s definitely a pride issue. But often, it’s also a fear of consequences, especially if I’d not only be going to a person for forgiveness, but to also confess something to them they may not have been aware of. With God, He already knows what I did, but with people, there’s the definitely possibility of rejection when they learn the truth.
I think we fear confession because we haven’t thought through the fallout of concealment.
I have found that it is never too late to apologize. Sometimes people won’t accept it but that is their loss.
Saying sorry is never easy but it is always the best thing to do.
Your transparency – and many times the words we would like to speak but don’t – is why we read this blog. It is why I read this blog. Thank you for saying what many of us want to say out loud rather than privately in our prayers and petitions to God.
Your post paired with that scripture really made that scripture make more sense, in a really powerful way. It made me think about my two youngest boys. It is always paramount to me that they reconcile their differences before we move on to do ANYTHING. Even if it is just a tiny argument over who was playing with the toy first. God cares so much about our relationships with other people.
I had a lady come up to me and apologize for forgetting to pray for a big need that I had and ask my forgiveness. I think she felt better. I could have been fine not knowing that. Sometimes I think it is better to just go to God….
I have done this a few times – going up to the person and saying “I am sorry” because I sincerely felt that I was wrong. Most responded with love and compassion… Guess I am blessed to have them in my life.
. There are some who I will never say sorry to, instead I have my private confessions with an oath to remedy the behaviour.