I get asked a lot of questions as a pastor.
How do I know God’s will for my life?
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why won’t the Titans just go ahead and pay Chris Johnson? (OK, I made that one up)
But one of the questions that comes up fairly frequently is do you believe in the “one?” Translation: Is there one person God has out there for me to marry?
I know this sounds so incredibly non-romantic but my answer is NO! God does not just have one person out there for you to marry.
Now, before you crucify me, let me explain.
I love my wife. I can’t imagine life without her. She became my “one” the moment I married her, but I don’t think she was ever the only person on this earth I could have married. I think there are a lot (that might be an overstatement) of women out there I could have married and actually been quite happy with (I’m not sure there are any other women that would put up with me like Brandi does though).
Just think about it. If one person married the “wrong” person wouldn’t it throw off all the other couples down the line?
OK, I’ll get off my soapbox and open this can of worms.
What do you think? Does the “one” exist?
I don’t think it would throw off other couples, but…
There is no way I would be as joyful or complete if I had not met my wife or married her.
Pete,
You can kiss your career as a romance novelist goodbye.
But I think you’re absolutely right.
Your post reminds me of the excellent book by Kevin DeYoung, “Just Do Something.” I think this perspective can be very freeing. Thanks for having the boldness to share it.
Dave
Dang! At book #2 was totally going to be a Romance Novel.
Love this thought. Think of couples who marry, are wonderfully happy then one spouse dies. The surviving spouse finds someone else and is wonderfully happy for many years.
I love my husband like crazy and can’t imagine not being married to him, but wonder sometimes where my life would be if we hadn’t met at college.
Brandi and I play that game all the time. We always come to the conclusion that while “different” it’s hard to imagine it would ever be “better”.
When I saw the title i thought “great another Happy Anniversary post” …oops
If I believe God is sovereign and that he knew me before I was formed and that he knows the number of hairs on my head…would not I also believe I married the “one”…the “one” he predestined?
Yes but you’re assuming everyone believes in predestination. Hey may know who the best choice for you is but that doesn’t mean you make it that choice correct.
I for one am glad God isn’t a puppet master and lets us figure things out on our owns.
I was hoping someone would bring this up. I agree with you.
So if your “One” dies, there may be another “One.”
I believe in the sovereignty of God in pretty much all things.
Pete,
I have to say I agree with you on this one…but that was not always the case. My mom passed when I was 19, and I can remember feeling uncomfortable (probably an understatement) with the idea of my dad dating anyone. However, my dad married the lady he met shortly after my mother passed. They have an amazing marriage and I can see how much he loves her. This probably isn’t the most romantic philosophy to prescribe to, but I think it’s the truth.
MAN am I glad you said it first, Pete! Haha, I’ve thought the same way for a long time. It’s easy for us that are happily married to say we believe in “the one” because we’re happily married. How disappointing that may be for the person who is in a marriage that has gone through a huge mess; maybe they’ve dealt with infidelity, maybe they have a spouse that is a workaholic. Maybe at times they wished they’d married somebody different. The point is that we have free will. God uses our decisions regardless of what they are.
That being said, I can’t imagine my life without my wife. She’s the peach in my peach cobbler, baby!
I don’t believe in “the one” in the traditional sense of God having created you for that one person, and that one person for you. But I do believe that God is all-knowing so nothing takes him by surprise – he knows our past, present and future, which means he knows if, when and whom I will marry. But you’re right – there’s many people that each of us are compatible with. That doesn’t mean it’s God’s will for me to end up with any of them; just look at Hosea. Gomer was obviously not a good choice for him, but it was God’s will that Hosea marry her.
Good point Jonathan.
I honestly can’t decide where I fall on this question.
The romantic in me wants to still dream about meeting “the one.” And, after all, if God has a plan for my life, wouldn’t a future spouse be a part of that? Certainly, God redeems our mistakes, and is it really possible for man to thwart his will?
But my practical side knows that the hyped-up idea of the one can lead to many problems down the road – an expectation that I’ll meet my spouse-to-be and “just know”, a belief that since we’re “meant to be” that our relationship will be easy and not require work.
So sometimes I go back and forth. But mostly, the only safe and content place I can find to land is trusting that God’s plan for my life, however it plays out, is better than mine.
I’ll be honest Kristy: I go back and forth as well.
Could I coexist happily with someone else? Of course. Could I be committed to any number of other women? I’m sure I could.
But my wife and I met 13 years ago among 70,000 other people at the Creation Music festival when she almost ran me over with her car. I look back at that and have a hard time believing that it wasn’t God playing Chuck Woolery.(Here’s the story)
I don’t know if “The One” exists or not, but if it does, I KNOW I’ve found my one.
“God playing Chuck Woolery”
Love it!
Thanks for the can of worms. I think you’re right. Of course I get mixed responses when I bring it up with people.
Hallmark called & said you can skip the interview. they already have a card writer.
Here’s what I do know, after that post you better hope you are right.
Pete, here’s a question for you, aren’t some things just better left unsaid. (Live and Learn)
Yes! Until you write a daily blog and have absolutely nothing else to talk about.
Better left unsaid ???!? Not at all. this is something i think about quite often.. and a valid topic indeed. Like some of the people above have said – there’s part of my heart that wants there to be, a “One” but when i think through it and go through my relationship history I realize.. there most certainly can’t be. that realization is kinda sad though.. or maybe just if your single
I agree 100%. I think if there was just “the one” than what would we have to work for. Relationships, marriage specifically, take work and I believe that you could fall in love and make it work with many people. The philosophy of “the one” almost sounds like you just find that person and live happily ever after. I love story book romances but it just isn’t reality. Although I have to add….I can’t imagine my life without my husband and think that God did bring us together for a purpose..and at a time when we needed each other the most.
Ok, so like everyone else I don’t see you excelling on a romance novel anytime soon, but I 100% agree with you on this. My husband and I are a blended family. Our past relationships were failures and I beleive that even though we thought they were “the one” at the time, God had a “Plan B”(couldn’t resist) for the both of us. The story is on my blog about how my husband and I met. It’s great to know that God is still God even when things are falling apart. I believe He knew that we had been through some real messes and worked it all out in the end for the better and for His will.
I agree with you 100%, Pete.
Interesting that most of the commenters, so far, have been men.
I agree, to an extent. I think there are other men with whom I could have been compatible, even happy. But the way that my husband and I met was so improbable that I have to believe God had a hand in it. I wasn’t a believer at the time, but I see it in retrospect.
Remarriage after one of us dies, though, has been a topic of heated debate in our home!
LOL – While I was typing that most of the commenters so far were men, three women commented. I spoke too soon, I guess.
I agree. I’m certain that there is not just one out there, but that the one I have is the one for me.
Ya’ll really are the cutest family on the planet. I don’t know if there is the “one.”
Not sure it matters as long as some point I find one person who will put up with me…like Brandi puts up with you
I wonder why people are so curious about this. God has a plan. Isn’t that all we need to know?
I’m appointing you the new singles pastor for Cross Point Church. Effective immediately.
I believe that even though I had a choice and free will in who I would marry, I didn’t have the insight, wisdom, and spiritual maturity at the time to seek Him and see if my choice was in line with *His will* for my life.
I now believe and understand that I had a choice in who I married, that God knew who I’d choose, and that He is using my choice to teach me, lead me, pull me closer, and lead my husband to Him, even if it breaks my heart more than words can say. I’ll continue to give it completely to Him and trust Him, even if I will never see full redemption this side of heaven.
One thing is certain, it has taught me to seek His will in every decision. It changes everything.
JD, I am so going to be praying for you and your husband. May God’s richest blessings and mercy rain down on you both!
Thank you… I very much appreciate those prayers.
I’m getting married in 8 days.
The lesson in your post is the same exact lesson my father taught me 10 years ago. He always said, “1 out of every 10 girls you find attractive and feel like you would date, you could marry and be happy with for the rest of your life.” Although it seems a bit scandalous, he was teaching me about committing to love, and learning compromise.
It’s all about the immeasurable amount of compromise that happens throughout the years. We steadily become more and more the “One” for our spouse, right?
And if we aren’t, then shame on us, because we should spend every day striving to be the “One” for her.
Very well said!!
I’m getting married in 8 days.
The lesson in your post is the same exact lesson my father taught me 10 years ago. He always said, “1 out of every 10 girls you find attractive and feel like you would date, you could marry and be happy with for the rest of your life.” Although it seems a bit scandalous, he was teaching me about committing to love, and learning compromise.
It’s all about the immeasurable amount of compromise that happens throughout the years. We steadily become more and more the “One” for our spouse, right?
And if we aren’t, then shame on us, because we should spend every day striving to be the “One” for her.
Well I am glad He chose the one who wouldn’t shoot me(at least in first 23 yrs)! But I think like all other things we do have a choice. He may have had one by design but I won’t know until I get to ask Him did I choose the one He intended. I am thankful and blessed for the one I did choose!
Well I am glad He chose the one who wouldn’t shoot me(at least in first 23 yrs)! But I think like all other things we do have a choice. He may have had one by design but I won’t know until I get to ask Him did I chose the one He intended. I am thankful and blessed for the one I did choose!
I believe my husband (of a month:) is God’s best for me. I believe there are other men I could have married and been reasonably content, but it felt like settling to mezxcv . It wasn’t until I got to know Blake that I felt like I’d won the lottery and that marriage was undoubtedly something I wanted to pursue. So regardless of whether he’s “the one,” I consider him the best fit for me imaginable.
Time to dig out whats-his-names “Decision Making and the Will of God.” I have mixed thoughts…but I try to rest in three sure facts:
1. God is wise
2. God is good
3. God is sovereign
And thus I try not to let what I don’t know (which is a heap) mess up what (Who) I do know…
And I’m constantly grateful that my wife of almost 29 years was and is His choice for me…however and whenever He did the choosing…
It’s kinda sad, but true. Basically what gets people together is attraction. That’s why highschool kids can have a new significant other every week. People obviously fall into attraction with different people after marriage, too.
Like Pete says, the one you marry is ‘the one’ and what keeps it that way is commitment. My husband asked his grandfather who’d been married 60+ years what the secret was. He said ‘don’t get a divorce’.
Choosing to think of your spouse as ‘the one’ is part attraction, part attitude, and part raw determination!
Wow…
Hmmm…I tend to agree to a certain extent. I think people fall in love and get married. I also think people fall in love and don’t get married because it’s just not the right time or circumstances aren’t ideal. I was 30 when I got married and my decision involved not only what I wanted in a partner, but also what I didn’t want. Sounds pretty unromantic, but I dated enough to understand that you can’t change someone else, so you’d better be willing to accept someone–warts and all.
I agree that there must be more than ONE one because of something I was taught on God’s will. The thinking is: Given any fork in life’s road that you face, you pray that God would guide you in the best, most godly direction. But if you get “decision paralysis” because you want God to respond to your fleece and help you pick the ONLY RIGHT WAY, you’ll drive yourself nuts. Maybe this is why the Titans won’t pay for Chris Johnson!
But instead, we need to believe that God can bless either fork in the road – even if sometimes we make a poor choice.
I think this applies to marriage as well. If we live to give God glory, then the mate he leads us to is the ONE. But, as you said Pete, there could be more than one ONE!
I’m not sure what I think! At first I was totally agreeing with you Pete, then I read cshell’s comment and hmmm. I KNOW God is sovereign, and I KNOW he gives me free choice. It’s the same old conundrum! But I know when I married my husband, it wasn’t what anyone would have called God’s perfect will for my life as a Christian. He wasn’t a Christian, and he was a “bad boy”. And for many years I did not live as a Christian, although I always felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit about it. And then it all changed. My husband became a Christian and became the spiritual leader of our family, our children became Christians, and our relationship with each other continued to grow and strengthen (I always loved my husband dearly, but this was a new and greater dimension). God is sovereign and he blessed me greatly with the man I married, whether he was “the one” or not!
I actually just questioned this concept last week as well, and I tend to agree with you
I don’t think there is just one that I could marry and be happy. But I do think God leads you to a certain ONE person at a certain time. And there could be an argument that there ARE many marriages as you say, thrown off. At least 50%! And the rest are many more that are unhappy or would say they don’t feel like they’re with “the one”. I’m a romantic and pessimist all at once, what can I say?
I came to believe that loving someone isn’t an event or something that happens ‘to’ you. It’s a decision that you make. A person can be overwhelmed with a desire to love a person through mutual attraction and/or finding someone who allows you to finally love yourself. But making a committment to stay with someone forever…even after the initial facination has subsided, is a conscious and intentional decision. It doesn’t just happen. I woke up one day and realized I’d fallen in love. But I didn’t wake up one day and find that I was married.
When, through the Grace of God, I finally became able to actually love someone else more than myself, I found that finding that ‘special someone’ wasn’t as impossible as I once thought it was. In fact, it turned out that special someone was somone I already knew. I really liked her, I’d fallen in love with her, and I realized she needed someone to take care of her. I decided I wanted to be that person so I asked her to marry me. Lucky for me she said yes.
Loving her every single day isn’t as easy as I thought it would be when we were on the honeymoon. (I’m sure she’d say the same thing about me but to the 3rd power.) But it’s sure nice to know that even in the toughest times there’s not a chance in the world that we’ll somehow wake up and discover that we’ve fallen out of marriage.
Love this Bill!
Awesome! Thank you for this. I’m newly married & just printed your comment out to put in my Bible.
I believe there is ONE, but its not ONE as the in whole…so for a lack of better word, I would say Fragmented ONES. (Think of it like a being from the same pool of souls) We end up being with one of the Fragments within a particular circumstance in time, should circumstances change, we could end up with one of the others and still be fine. Being Fine, Happy, Content is a state of mind, which anyone can cultivate once they put their mind to it.
Being in a Particular time, we cant predict the outcome of a different time, but they are all a probablity.
This is absolutely my idea of romance!! Well, this and chocolate covered cherries.
i absolutely agree with this, i think there is more than one people can marry and that has been proven but has to be an equal of can you and the other put up w/ each other in the times when you don’t always love each other
There are hundreds of millions of people on the planet so the idea of our great big God having just “one” person out there for us when we continually screw up outside of His plan everyday is kind of silly and pretty limiting when you think about it.
But as someone who’s been married for less than a month, i’m quite content to labor under the allusion that Jeff is my “one” and only
I’d say my husband is “the one” – but only because we’ve spent the last several years growing together and learning to be each other’s “the one.” Relationships change people. They always have.
I guess it all depends on how calvinist you are.
Personally I agree with you. Proverbs 18:22 says “He who FINDS a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
Sounds like a choice that He then blesses to me.
i think a successful marriage has a lot more to do with each individual’s expectations than it does compatibility. i think the “one true love” idea is a large part of what’s gotten our nation where it is in terms of adultery, divorce, unhappiness, and even cohabitation. everybody goes in thinking they’ve found their one true love — and inevitably the majority later question it. so they search elsewhere.
Great talking point Pete.
I’ve gone back and forth on this idea of the one.
I do know this though…that when I met my wife at Valley Forge Christian College I knew either I was going to marry this girl, or every girl I dated after was going to be compared to her.
Soo.. My question is, do you think this perspective encourages or discourages people who fear they have married the wrong person and are wondering if there is a “better One” out there? Or is it the perspective that there is only one “Right Person” for each that causes people to be dissatisfied?
I fear that your perspective may allow people to feel that their marriage or relationship is disposable because they can just find another when things don’t “work out.” Yet I also wonder if maybe the idea of “One Right Person for Everyone” may create unrealistic expectations that also damage relationships… it’s a curious dilemma and I wonder how you as a pastor would respond to it if a person came to you for advice when they’re on the brink of being unfaithful to their spouse or when another person comes to you saying that their spouse has cheated and wants a divorce… And what about when Scripture says that a divorced person isn’t supposed to remarry? They got married, it didn’t work out (maybe through no fault of their own) and now they don’t even get to go out and find another person who apparently is “just as good” as another? How do you deal with it as a pastor? Just curious……
Well Pete, if you are having trouble finding things to post about in a “daily blog” this should take up a couple of weeks
Great questions.
I think that in some people’s minds “the Right One” = “someone perfect”, and that’s what creates unrealistic expectations, and doubts when the spouse’s warts (we all have them) start to manifest.. No one is perfect but God…
I absolutely believe (and have believed wholeheartedly for the entire 38 years of my adult Christian life; I’m 56 now, and still waiting…) that God has definitely designed each person for a specific spouse. (And if one spouse dies, He may have another specific person that He designed to be your spouse at the present point in your life. And that person could be very different from the deceased spouse, but still His perfect will for you now… we change.) I agree with Amy above: “I don’t think there is just one that I could marry and be happy. But I do think God leads you to a certain ONE person at a certain time.” God knows us and our present and future needs better than we know ourselves. If we’re too impatient to wait for God’s person and God’s timing, we can screw up His Plan A and end up with His Plan B, because of His mercy, but I’d much rather hold out for His Plan A. To say that God does not have a specific will for the most important, life-affecting choice that a person can ever make (after, of course, the choice to belong to Jesus), is to make a screaming farce out of saying God has a specific will (other than “don’t sin”) for any other important choice one has to make in life.
I have always loved what Derek Prince said in one of his teachings on marriage, that God has specific will about who you should marry, but if you marry someone else, that person then becomes “The One” and you need to stick with your commitment, instead of wondering later when things get tough or you are attracted to someone else if you should divorce so you can find “the Real One” that God first intended.
I always read your posts as they are thought provoking and encouraging but never comment. Hope it’s ok if I jump in now. I often ponder this too as I’m in waiting for a companion and trusting God for him. I’ve certainly loved and felt there might be a “one” deal with some former men in my life. They each very easily could have been “the one” but God had other ideas. I lean on Eve being made as a helpmate for Adam and God giving a chosen woman to a servant for Abraham’s son at the well and I feel He might not give us “the one” but instead the right one of His choosing for us at the just right time to further His will for us.
I believe it was Francis Chan who said during Focus on Marriage that “the grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it the most”.
I think that summarizes how I feel about this. I believe marrying @septemberlily has been the greatest thing that could have happened, but just because she was “the one”, it doesn’t mean that everything was perfect.
Could there be a list of “very close ones”, and it is up to us to find AND work hard to turn them into *the* one?
I like that. The list of “very close ones.”
But I fall on the Free Will side of these equations and figure if you don’t have an actual choice, what’s the point?
Security, I guess.
(This, BTW is where I think a lot of published/screen romances fail: there is only one possible choice. Where’s the freedom in that?)
I use to think so. Until about 5 seconds ago, until I read, “If one person married the “wrong” person wouldn’t it throw off all the other couples down the line?”
I think that’s a valid observation, and probably true…
Great question, Pete!
As a single, 30 year old teacher, spending most of my time with great friends who are not only married, but are starting to have or already have kids, I don’t think there is just ONE person for everyone. I can definitely see that some people are made to be together and I can’t imagine them with anyone else.
I think God makes everyone special in their own way, but I also think that there are just a few kinds of people in this world. I see features on people that are the same, whether I’m in Iowa, Tennessee, or Florida.
I know there have been so many times where I meet someone and think, “she/he reminds me SO much of this other friend of mine.” Like people attract like people. That person I meet has qualities that I look for in someone I want to spend time with, romantically or otherwise.
I do think God makes soulmates. But that doesn’t mean that it’s the soulmate to spend the rest of your life married to. They may be friends, mentors, family members, people who were only meant to come into your life for a short while to teach you something. God uses people in all sorts of ways, in and outside of your marriage. I have met several soulmates in my 30 years.
That being said, I don’t want to get married to someone who is just supposed to be in my life for a short time. When I get married, I want that to be it. I know “he’s” out there, or “he” or another “he.”
love this! The idea that there are many soulmates and that a husband is one of them but hopefully for a more permanent term.
Hmmm, 3 thoughts.
1. This concept comes up in Ever After when the prince is trying to decide the same thing.
2. When I was trying to explain to my mom my reasons to marry (I hated how hard it was to com up with quantitative reasons) I said, “Mom, he *adores* me!” “Amy,” she said, “If God has someone else for you, /he/ will *adore* you, too!”
Now, the concept that there could be more than one person in the world capable of that– *that* was new to me.
3. The fellow who married my best (h.s.) friend is *utterly* incompatible with me. Once, at church potluck I shared with him the story some girlfriends told about how “funny” it would have been for us to end up in an arraigned marriage. Our consensus was that either we or the marriage wouldn’t have lived long.
One of our church mothers was sitting at my elbow. She waited till we were done laughing, and looked over her glasses at both of us.
“You would have made it work,” she said firmly. “Because you both honor God, and obey his word. That would mean making the necessary sacrifices to make the marriage work.”
Blew me away.
I agree totally with this post. While I believe my husband is the one for me he wasn’t the only one. I mean if we were the only ones for eachother that’s kinda sad to think that if anything ever happened to me that my husband would be doomed to live out the rest of his life alone?? That’s kind of a ridiculous thought.
How many wives dis Solomon have? Around 1,000? Which one was his one?
I’m trying to think of an example of God putting two people together.
Hosea and Adam are the only ones I could come up with.
Agree 100%–because love is an action, not a feeling, and we could probably make it work with other people. But since I’m married to my husband, I don’t want to make it work with anyone else but him!
I would like to know where the idea of the one even comes from. I agree, my wife wasn’t the one until I married her.
The problem with the “one” is that when the marriage gets bumpy the “one” people might start thinking that they did marry the “one”.
You are correct, sir.
No where in scripture does it speak of “the one”. The vast majority of marriages in history were prearranged by the parents so the idea of “the one” is a romanticized fallacy trumped up in the last few decades.
A friend of mine is married and loves his wife. But he also believes he has settled in his marriage because he missed out on “the one”. To me, this is profoundly sad. God is the giver of mercy and grace, not a dictator. He has given us free will over our lives to make choices that include whether or not to follow Him. Why then would He give only a single choice in a spouse? I believe God has and will place people together, but I believe that is as rare as striking Paul blind to gain his attention and service.
Couples should spend their lives in a constant act of becoming “the one” for their spouse through commitment and devotion to the well being of the person they pledged themselves to before God and man.
“Couples should spend their lives in a constant act of becoming “the one” for their spouse through commitment and devotion to the well being of the person they pledged themselves to before God and man.”
ABSOLUTELY! There was a time when my soon to be husband and I had broken up for a little bit, and God began to place it on my heart to become the “wife” that I thought my fiance’ needed instead of wondering if there was someone “better” out there…
oh and hence the reason we got back together…I couldn’t see myself with anybody else and neither could he, even though we both tried! I do, however agree with Pete’s post. I know there are others I could have chosen to accept their marriage proposals, but ultimately I chose my future husband!
Where’s Brandi’s comment?
There is only “one at a time.”
Lol…yes,you are sooo right!!!
I hear that question all the time, and I always say the same thing, NO! I find it hard to believe that there is only one woman on earth that could marry me or that I could marry….I am starting to think that it is actually Zero, ha-ha. It is a huge relief that it is not just one. God gives us freedom in this are, though it is guided freedom. However, like You said, once we choose to get married that one becomes the one.
My husband and I are newlyweds…we just talked about this and both agreed that it totally changed when we got married. Before, we both would have definitely agreed–there isn’t “just one”.
But, now, it’s difficult to imagine anything different or better than being with each other.
What I do know is that God absolutely has had HIs hand in our relationship from the beginning–so, regardless of “the one” or not, I know that my husband was handpicked by God for me.
I think that is a great answer. I believe that there just isn’t one. God in his grace and mercy doesn’t just make ONE specific person for another. He’s an amazing God who loves us, so if let’s say someone is married and for whatever reason divorces or is widowed…why wouldn’t God allow grace for them to move on and not be alone. I suppose this is my opinion because I’m divorced and although it was not my plan nor my choice to be divorced, I believe fully with my heart that there might be someone else out there that God could have for be or has prepared for me and the path my life is on now. That’s why He makes provision for plan B’s! I think if you’re blessed with finding the one that’s great but at the end of the day God fulfills us in every area and He knows what we each need so we have nothing to worry about!
“Just think about it. If one person married the “wrong” person wouldn’t it throw off all the other couples down the line?”
Actually, yeah, I do think that one person was meant specifically for each of us. And I think that when one person marries the “wrong” person, as you mentioned in your post, it certainly does throw off all the other couples… which is probably why the divorce rate is so high.
Now, I will also say this. Although I believe that we each have a specific “one”, I also do believe that we could probably find happiness with someone else. But I think the “one” is who will complete us, and help us to be all that God intended us to be.
Very thought-provoking post, Pete!
Of course Hollywood’s idea of only “one” for each of us is wrong, not only does it not make literal sense, but most importantly it’s a wrong worldview. Since God invented the marriage, I believe He would have let us know through His Word if “only one for each of us” was the case. However, most men in the Bible had several wives, so …. case closed? Plus, I don’t believe God is a time-keeper watching us go after the wrong (or right) person, but rather sends us through where we need to go and be for His Glory.
Still being in the newly-wounded & single category it’s hard to step out of the box. I do, however, have hope that God has someONE in mind for me. Like you, there are probably a lot of guys that could fill the position and well. But I think there is only one that will totally balance you out. That’s the person you spend the rest of your years on earth with.
Pete -
I could likely write for an hour on this topic. I’ll spare you!
Short answer – in my opinion, there is not just one “one”. The romantic in me wants to think that my wife was created just for me – that the world would never have been right had we not met and eventually married. Truth is, had we not met, I probably could have been content and satisfied living life with someone else. I honestly can’t imagine that, but it’s likely. You see, I also believe love is a choice. It is a conscious decision to commit to someone and accept them in all there imperfection, just as they will have to accept me. In my case, my wife definitely has the bigger chore! A lot of folks mistake that stomach churning, light headed, flushed feeling as love. It’s not – that’s usually hormones, or the burrito you had last night!
I was in several relationships before marrying. During none of them was I ready, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to make the conscious decision to commit myself to spend the rest of my life with someone. Had my wife said “no”, I no doubt could have met and commited myself to someone else, eventually. But, as I said, I can’t imagine it.
So, no, my wife was not created just for me and was not the only “one”. God created her for Himself. He certainly knew we would eventually meet and marry. While she may not have been created as my only “one”, she is now certainly my ONLY one, by choice if not necessarily by design.
Who knows, I may find when I meet God in heaven that I am wrong in my opinion. And that’ll be OK too. Regardless, I would not have it any other way.
Why is it that we don’t very often argue amongst ourselves about God calling us to a specific place for service (or a job, calling, etc etc), but we can get all mumbly when talking about “the one”? My personal opinion: God cares who we marry (it’s important). Granted, I could be compatible with a number of people, but is that the best God can offer? I believe that if we are willing to listen and obey, He desires to give us a whole lot more than compatibility: same as deciding where to live and work. For me the question in about all of life is: What I want & compatibility or What He wants & a whole lot more?
I agree with you Pete.Once somebody asked my pastor about that and he said the same.If “THAT”one and only person gets married to someone else…Does that mean I have to spend the rest of my life being single?NO!!Same happens when somedody loses her/his spouse…What should we do?I know people who got maied again…!God bless you,your family and everyone who is reading your post:)
I actually think it’s more romantic to say no, there isn’t the “one”. More romantic because, out of all the people in the world you had to choose from, you chose her.
I have to say… probably my favorite… all-time… post… so far…
You took quite a step out there… and I would hope you would continue to do that… regarding other subjects, Pete…
Obviously, you wouldn’t have posed this question if there was not a true understanding between you and your wife… regarding “the one”… which is why it rings so true…
DING… Ding… ding…
Seriously… as you know I’ve shared some very critical thoughts with you… at times… as other’s have…
But, for me… this one shook the fundamental marriage relationship tree… as opposed to just bloggety blogging… and asking less challenging questions…
Anyhoo… my 2¢… (well… may 3 or 4)
Cheers,
CEL
You are exactly right. God’s timing and our willingness to commit and luv that person he places in our path have a lot to do with it.
Marital luv is a choice. I can’t imagine who else God could have put in my life other than my wife but I believe it is possible.
Believing in “The One” is a scam. It sets expectations so out of wack. Guys can be happy with almost ANYone, and girls want to be loved like they are the ONLY one. The One starts with I Do. Before that, believing in The One is about like believing in the tooth fairy.
I totally agree and see so many driving themselves crazy in search of the “one”. I have been married 17 years and as you said, can’t imagine anyone else putting up with us for that long. However, I often think God blessed our human free will in spite of us. We were two very broken backwards non-Christians when we married. The fact that we are still married is only a tribute to God – but I don’t believe we have what we have because we are the only ones for one another. I believe God in His grace blessed us in spite of us because He is good!
Loved this post! I think you hit the nail on the head. Your husband or wife will become your “one” when you marry them but they aren’t the only person who could be your one. I think we can thank movies, tv, and books for embedding in our minds that there is only one magical person or “soul mate” out there and you have to find them in the billions of people on earth. Non-romantic it may be, but factual I believe it is!
Man… I hope there is one out there… My parents divorced when I was young – my mom has been re-married twice since – and my dad once. My dad deals with infidelity and my mom hates being alone. I would only hope that through all the men that she has “fallen in love with” … I hope she can find The One. I want to. One comment struck gold tho -
@Lindsey Nobles: I wonder why people are so curious about this. God has a plan. Isn’t that all we need to know?
Yep. … Pretty much.
I don’t know if God has “the one” for us that he is maneuvering into our path, if the choice is entirely ours, or a bit of both.
Regardless, I think thinking in terms of there being only one person that is right for us is pretty dangerous. If things get a bit rocky in the relationship it would be too easy to assume that you haven’t correctly picked the one and decide you need to leave and go hunt for the person who really is your “the one”. It also seems to lend itself to very high expectations
I spent a long time reading all these comments trying to find some kind of apeasing answer to my question about all of this. My boyfriend, we balance each other out and right now God is showing and telling both of us, be together. He has known since he was 7 that God wanted him to marry a specific person, that he knew and he hasnt seen since he was young. He is sure God is leading him there and he is being prepared through our relationship for her. We both battle with this because right now God wants us to be together so we do too. I’m beginging to think that he is going to be someone I will compare everyone else too. Thoughts?
Honestly, I would really, really question why he thinks God told him to marry that person. He was 7 years old at the time. Is there any other real confirmation of this? Additionally, I don’t think it’s fair to you that you are the one to “prepare” him for that relationship.
I would ask someone wise, who you both respect, to weigh in on this.
I think you may need to put an ultimatum out there that it is ether you or her. If he wants to be with you (particularly if you marry), then any thoughts of the other girl have to go. If he wants to be with the other girl he shouldn’t be stringing you along. You deserve better than to be used as a stepping stone to someone else.
Ummmmmm. I’ve got tons of questions. Not doubting your boyfriend but would really love to talk with him. You guys should find some trusted wisdom.
Thanks guys, he’s had quite a lot of confirmation but I do think it would be a good idea to get a pastory type person to go through it thouroughly. Though on my part – that just makes me hope rather than anything else and I’m trying really hard not to let that get a hold.
Lol, God is sorting it out, I don’t think hoping is bad in essence but the motivation behind it was bad. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for planting the seed for us to work this all out. God has been using your words to open us up to what he wants us to say.
I think you nailed this one.
I agree that there isn’t just one person for every person out there, but once you’ve committed yourself to that person, they become the only person for you.
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! Biblically, except for Adam and Eve, there is no basis for “the one”, you go out and find and make “the one” – or really, you make YOURSELF “the one” for that other person, and you make sure you are evenly yoked – in fact THAT is the admonishment of God; not: I only made one person for you but he/she is in India and you are supposed to go to DBU because he/she’ll be there the fall of 2012, so don’t screw it all up and miss him/her because you couldn’t get that scholarship – you know your parents can’t afford it – and then you’ll only end up marrying that person you meet in small groups, but because it’s not “the one” you aren’t ever going to get along – but I won’t hold you accountable since you missed “the one” I really meant for you to marry. It’s not like I would expect you to WORK at marriage as a fallen person in a fallen world. No, no, I’ll just make a “perfect” person for you, and everything will be perfect – no work necessary. – yeah. I think not.
Not my experience after 20 years of marriage!
how wild..I just listened to a message from Matt Chandler where he brought up the same topic. I’m not sure where I stand on it…I could argue both sides, but am so glad that my wife believes I am the one…
Well regardless of what I said here whatever Matt Chandler said is probably right. You’ll have to point me to that message.
I think I grew up with thinking there was something biblical about .. ” God will pick out the perfect mate for you” but I can’t seem to find that anywhere in the bible.
That said, I do consider finding my husband, a gift from God… which helps when I’m tempted to not treat him as such. ha
The problem with searching for your “1″ or “soul mate” seems to be the perception that everything will be endless bliss- which would make someone question their marital choice if they hit some rough water…. sort of like, “if he were REALLY my soul mate, we wouldn’t be having this disagreement”
No, I don’t think there is the one.
Personally, I think we should go back to the days of arraigned marriages. I have 5 daughters and after dealing with what I have with the 1st two, I’m thinking that looks better and better. Although, I don’t have anyone that I’d choose for them at this moment.
Oh my goodness…that is one BEAUTIFUL family!
Is there ALWAYS “one?” I have to agree with you, and with the gentleman who said “the grass is always greenest where you water it the most.” If we carefully live “the fruit of the Spirit,” we go a long way to make almost any marriage successful.
But is there SOMETIMES just “one?” I have to believe yes, absolutely. And I believe I’m married to that “one,” though it took me two tries to find her.
The circumstances of our meeting – what we learned about each other after that – and how well her strengths have worked into what God’s led us through – make me believe that, in this case, she WAS (and IS) the “one.”
And 5 days from now we’ll celebrate our 32nd anniversary!
Happy Anniversary Pete. What a cool story.
I don’t think any married person should ever believe there is only “one” for them. The reason is simple. If you believe there is only one, then you could be convinced that the one you married isn’t the one…that the one is some incredible person you just met…
…and if that’s true then it must be God’s will for you to leave the not-one you’re married to and…
For that reason I am the least romantic person on the planet when it comes to this subject.
I have an old theology professor who often says: “You always marry the wrong person.” By which I think he means you marry an idea of a person that turns out to be inaccurate. Love and romance must be cultivated, then, not expected to arise spontaneously.
Wow Michael. I like that.
This is exactly how I feel. Wouldn’t it throw off all other couples for all time? Exactly!
I just discovered this website from someone I met recently. I’m blessed to have found it and will listen to many of these podcasts. Thanks for making them avail.
. God Bless and I’ve added your ministry to my prayer time!
I tend to agree with you Pete.
However, as a single guy who really wants to find “her” and settle down, it’s more helpful to believe there is only ONE.
Otherwise, why haven’t I found someone I could be with, that could/would be with me?
I mean, I’m not a terrible looking guy, and I tend to fit characteristics of what most girls want (Christian, college educated, financially independent, etc…), but for some reason or another, it just hasn’t happened yet.
So if I’m the “catch” that ladies keep telling me I am, why do I keep getting thrown back in?
Ok, well, I’m definitely going against the flow here since everyone seems to agree with your thoughts. However, I look at your 3 handsome boys and think that according to Psalms, God knew them before they were formed and had a plan for them. If Brandi were not your “One” and ya’ll had not gotten married, they would not be here. To me, that undeniably says that Brandi is your “One.” Now, I know that marriage isn’t all about having kids. But, if you are bringing people into the world that will fulfill God’s purpose for their lives, and they wouldn’t genetically be here without the two of you (based on the way God set things up), then that means that she is the “one” that God had planned for you. Just my two cents worth
This is one of my favorite topics, and it’s central to my marriage and my faith.
I don’t believe in The One. I also don’t believe that humans are monogamous by nature. We have a choice, and it’s a choice we have to make every day. There are other men in the world that I could have married and who would even love (or at least tolerate) me. I’ve met some of them. Boy is that awkward. Which again points out that monogamy isn’t a given. It’s a choice, and a hard choice at that. We should celebrate it and lift it up as the herculean effort it is when we see examples of it working. We should celebrate each day and lift as precious gifts the people we love, because they are not to be taken for granted.
On the inside of our wedding rings (which I can’t wear over my puffy pregnant fingers right now), my husband and I had inscribed “I choose you.” We used the idea of choice there because we each recognized that the other was not “the best we could do” or “the only one for us” or “the only one God blessed us with,” but because we chose to make that commitment to each other. My husband is The One For Me, and has been for the dozen years I’ve known him, but not because it’s destiny. Because he chooses me, and I choose him.
And it’s present tense, choose not chose, because it’s a choice we make each day. Every day, every time I meet another wonderful man who I could have married, every time I get frustrated with my partner and wonder if I wouldn’t be better off elsewhere, I have a choice to make. And I continue to choose him. The moment I don’t, the moment I take him for granted and choose, not even someone else, but to simply not put the effort in with him, I lose everything dear to me. I am responsible for continuing to choose him, and he is responsible for continuing to choose me.
AND, I think God’s the same way. Faith is not a given, and we don’t believe in God or follow God’s call in our lives because we have to. Every day, we have a choice. We can choose to follow something else, or to stop putting the effort in with God. As with my marriage, the day I do so, I think I may lose everything dear to me, but it’s a choice out there. Each day, when I put my feet on the floor, I get to choose. Will I be faithful to my God today? Will I be faithful to the spouse and the family I love? Will I keep those commitments foremost on my mind, so that I never take them for granted and never for one minute assume that it will be easy or a given or destined to be, but something at which I must joyfully work?
I kinda think you can meet “THE ONE” for that exact moment in your life. But if it passes by then there will be another “The ONE” In a different time and place. Like what are the chances I have now met “The ONE” that dosent live in the same city as me. But had I met hime 4 years ago I would never have thought him to be “the one” NOT saying he is or that I even know right now.
Just Questioning all the reasons God Has planned for us to meet “The ONE” 
People really don’t believe me when I try to tell them that there’s not “someone out there for everyone”… guess I’m not old enough for people to believe me yet.. XD
It doesn’t make sense, though.. because there’s not an equal number of guys and girls in the world… but then.. some people don’t want to get married at all… as in.. very dedicated to God.. some people don’t want to get married at all, but still want relationships… Some people are homosexual.. So, I guess this could account for the difference in numbers of people.. but I still think there aren’t enough women who don’t want to get married or women who are lesbians.. Not that I particularly want women to be lesbians.. it’s just that I’ve decided to not make judgements on that issue. But.. I bet that it means that there are still more single, straight women out there than there are men. We can’t all have a “one”.
Besides, true love is God’s Love. The end.
I agree with you Pete. I think so many times people want to believe in “the one” so that when things get tough or they have problems they can say, “Well, you must not have been the right one.” I think the point is less whether or not we’re in the right or wrong place or with the right or wrong person, and more about how we respond to God and others wherever we find ourselves.
I am not sure conceptually if “the one” exists or not, but I truly feel as though there is no one else on this planet that I was supposed to be with but my husband. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I feel like we have this strange sort of love that wasn’t a choice- it chose us, it really feels like we just had to respond to it. Of course, over the last 8 years, we have had to “choose” to return to that love, but it is so powerful it’s almost as if we are just caught up in it’s current. Woah I am sounding like a bad romance novel. Commence puking.