Own It
Someone asked me the other day, “Pete, what’s the most important leadership lesson you’re learning these days?”
Lately it seems like my learning curve when it comes to leading is pretty steep.
I have to laugh sometimes because I’m confident I make more mistakes in an average week than most people do in a year. Because of this I’m learning a ton every day. However, at the top of my list I would say right now I’m wrestling with learning how to admit mistakes.
I think “admitting mistakes and taking responsibility” is a major value missing far too often in today’s leadership culture. Sometimes I get weary with my own excuses for why something happened.
The truth is sometimes I …
Made the wrong hire.
Had bad timing.
Thought I heard from God and clearly didn’t.
Talked when I should have been listening.
Jumped the gun when I should have been patient.
Wimped out when I should have moved forward.
I made a mistake. I screwed up. Maybe it was sin, lack of experience, wrong motives, or plain stupidity. But it was a mistake. I own it.
Do yourself and the people around you a favor today and stop with all the excuses. Owning it and not excusing it is the key to building credibility with your spouse, kids, friends and people you lead.
Any mistakes you need to own today?
How about a favorite excuse?
Kinda hard to pinpoint one excuse Pete. From “I planned to do that soon” to “Me? I really said that?” to “Forgive me. I’m really tired” I can find them all. #1 excuse though may be “That’s just not me.” Thanks for the post.
My problem is usually not owning it, it is not repeating it. I think sometimes we can own mistakes and then we make that our identifier. For me it is like sin. I admit that I sin, but if I do nothing to not do that sin again then my ownership of it really means nothing. We all make mistakes, we all screw up, most of us even own it, but that is where it stops a lot of the time. The definition of crazy is doing the same things over and over and getting the same results. At some point I have to change and not repeat them again. GREAT POST MAN!!! Got my wheels turning early this morning.
.-= Trevor DeVage´s last blog ..DOUGLAS/LEWIS WEDDING PREVIEW =-.
Wow…I’m right with you man. I do the same thing.
.-= Jason´s last blog ..And then, the panic set in… =-.
Pete, you make me think like no other!! Sometimes so much so I don’t know how to adequately put it to words. You give great food for thought and you’re so transparent with it. Thank you!
My favorite excuse: “Pete made me do it.”
.-= kc´s last blog ..When life beats you down =-.
So THAT is where that old saying came from!!
Well.. for Pete’s sake.
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..The God we want? =-.
Surely that doesn’t still work for you living in Denver.
STILL works!
.-= kc´s last blog ..When life beats you down =-.
I’m having trouble relating to this post. I remember I made a mistake once back in 1994…. oh no, never mind, that one was you too.
Pete, did you really say:
“Thought I heard from God and clearly didn’t.”
??
That has got to be one of the hardest things a pastor could ever admit. You just let out a great big secret that pastors are human too – that you don’t have a secret holy of holies where you put on special garb and get stone tablets engraved from God with directions for the next steps to make.
You know what? I like a pastor who can say that. And I hope the people of you congregation appreciate it as well.
So .. how here is one of my favorite excuses:
“I don’t think you understood me”
This happens when I have rushed to answer before I have thought through how something is perceived… especially in writing where body language and verbal queues are not available.
Isn’t that a great excuse? Putting the fault on the other person?
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..The God we want? =-.
Did I say that? Well I didn’t mean it.
No, it’s true. There have been many times as the pastor that I was convinced God was prompting me to do something and it turned out I was dead wrong.
That’s why I usually preface my statements these days by saying…
“Best I can discern, God is leading us in this way. I could be wrong but this is what I sense.”
Ha.. you built your excuse into your statements.
I am going to start using that.
“Please don’t take anything I am about to write as my complete thoughts or my total opinion. They are totally adjustable based on your perception of what it is you think that I am saying which could be totally different because something may have happened between my brain and what came out.”
Love it. Of course, that is a lot to say just to be able to say what it is I think I want to say. Whew.. I think I am in trouble.
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..The God we want? =-.
Hey Tony.. you could just put it on your blog on the home page, upper left hand corner as a blanket disclaimer…lol
.-= Julie R.´s last blog ..My God Box =-.
Julie,
You are a life.. I mean, finger saver
Maybe I could have it tattooed across my forehead so it would apply to what I am saying too. I knew there was a reason that I came to Pete’s blog.
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..The God we want? =-.
well, the mistake i think about most of the time is taking things into my own hands instead of REALLY trusting that God will take care of everything.
and, believe it or not, last night my dog really did eat a receipt that i needed to turn in for a meeting…the one excuse i never used actually happened.
.-= dan´s last blog ..Look at me! =-.
A mistake I continue to repeat endlessly is thinking that mistakes are “bad” instead of the way humans learn. A favorite excuse? I really don’t have time to worry about that today.
As I have watched in the background I have noticed that your leadership allows people the grace to act. If we all waited around till we were perfect how much would get done? We needed more action then evaluation and committee decisions. I love that pride does not stop us from loving as a church, a reflection of your leadership.
Thank you Lance. That’s a huge compliment. I’m working on that daily.
I LOVE THAT !!!
“we needed more action then evaluation and committee decisions”
AMEN !!!!
We make mistakes because we are human. Human beings are not perfect.Whatever the reason, all mistakes are opportunities to learn. Life lessons are all about the mistakes we make and the steps we take to do better. Many successes are mistakes done over. I work in the theatre world and I learned that we must learn by trial and productive individuals make many mistakes. People who are afraid to make mistakes are rarely productive. It is better to try something and fall short, than not try for fear of making a mistake; therefore cheating ourselves of an opportunity or experience.
We should not be afraid to admit our mistakes. Someone once said, “Be not ashamed of mistakes, and thus make them crimes.” There is no mistake so serious it cannot be corrected. That is why we have erasers, white out, confession, and forgiveness.Mistakes are part of the dues we pay for a full life.
Peace,love& jellybeans
Pete, I have a different perspective now that I attend church and minister more in the mission field. I think it is especially hard for pastors (lead or otherwise) to admit they are wrong because they are (and I was also!) so busy holding things together. Perhaps there is a fear that if they say “I was simply wrong”, people will leave, or quit giving, and the whole thing will go down in flames. There’s alot to lose and one thing that can be lost is authority and trust. And how bad is it for a pastor to admit, “I really did not hear from God after all.”
When we play the God card to back up and give authority to our decisions, then it is almost impossible to go back and say we were wrong without losing face, or believing that we will. I think that’s why people in the church world have such a difficult time apologizing without justifying. I have only had two people in ministry ever humbly and fully apologize to me ever. Without excuses or anything else. We use alot of spiritual language to keep from it too!
As I look back on my years of ministry I wonder how some situations would have turned out differently if I’d quit defending myself and worrying about my position and just listened, loved and apologized more and owned some things.
.-= Jan Owen´s last blog ..Just Get Over It! =-.
Great point Jan!
I co-wrote a book about apologies with Gary Chapman and I now rate apologies in the media. Pete, thank you for shining the light on this important topic!
Jan, thank you for your honest input. I thought you might be interested in this very public apology by my own former pastor (I gave it our highest rating): http://drjenthomas.wordpress.com/2009/05/11/announcement-an-unprecedented-public-apology-part-ii/
Favorite excuse:
“Not what God has called me too”
or
“Waiting for open doors”
Mistakes that I have made, probably waiting around in hopes that things will work out.
.-= Kyle Reed´s last blog ..Having More Twitter Followers Might Be a Problem =-.
I had to own up to a mistake recently. I had not followed one of churches policies and I was in the wrong. It was hard to do but it was also very freeing.
.-= Kevin M.´s last blog ..Life is a marathon, not a sprint =-.
I’m guessing that won you HUGE credibility points.
best excuse: im not judging. im just airing out my opinion. =]
i have a LOT of opinions!
.-= patricia´s last blog ..5.19.10 hold. =-.
That’s a good one Patricia!
“Own it, brother!” (or sister) is a common theme in our home these days. This goes to character,in my mind. I learned at an early age the value of owning it – and those two little words that go hand in hand with that – “I’m sorry”. That was modeled to me by my father. I remember being very young, and him coming to me saying “I was wrong, I’m sorry”, and dropping my head, I sorta mumbled “It’s ok”. His response? He lifted my chin, looked in my eyes, and said “No, it’s not ok. I was wrong. Please forgive me.”
I’ve never ever forgotten. And since we’re not perfect parents, our kids see it & hear it from us too.
I admire those who can cough out those words (& mean it) when it’s appropriate. Leaders who can do this have both humility and integrity.
What an awesome testament to your father. Too cool.
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..The God we want? =-.
I own it. I make and have made many mistakes. I learn from my mistakes. Thank God the people around me know me and there is space for apologies and forgiveness. I’ve learned that God still loves me when I fail. We are not God we are human and He knows that.
I think this is awesome. A pastor admitting he makes mistakes. Thank God for pastor Pete Wilson.
Well I’ve learned from other great pastors and leaders before me that have effectively modeled this.
The hardest for me is to admit when I’m wrong is with my kids. My kids are 5 & 8 and I want them to think that I’m superman but that dang kryptonite keeps proving that I’m not perfect. I know that it is for the best to show that daddys do make mistakes and they will too but God still loves us.
.-= Rodney´s last blog ..Wednesday 9-2-09 Day Nine =-.
I have made many mistakes over the years. It’s never easy to admit them. The hardest ones are the ones when I knew is bad, I knew is sin and I still did it.
:) what a lie. I always have time for everything I put my mind on it. Yup, I am human too.
Excuse: I don’t have time to exercise
WOW! Way to convict me today. My problem is that I am pretty good at acknowledging my mistake but tend to add a “but” clause. I’ll admit I made a mistake then feel like I need to explain/justify my reasoning behind the mistake. I need to keep it simple and just say I’m sorry and please forgive me, then I will truly “own it”.
I was reading this comment and thinking, “That is so totally me!” and then read your name. Too funny! But absolutely true . . . thanks, Erin.
Ouch! Ya know, I’ve got 4 grown kids and one thing I’ve gotten pretty used to is admitting to them when I’ve screwed up…I did that just last night with my baby (23 yrs. old )
Sigh…I turn on a dime but man it still hurts.
.-= Robin´s last blog ..Furniture Before and After! =-.
I think this is really hard with your kids. I bet it gets even harder as they get older. You’re such a good mom Robin.
well… lets see…
I have used the ” you must have misunderstood me” line… The “I was only kidding” line, one of my go to lines is “I’m sorry if what I ‘said or did’ hurt you or whoever. It certainly wasn’t intended that way.” This way I can apologize, and blame at the same time…(aren’t I just the MOST fabulous Christian ever?) I have to say that in the last few weeks I have been trying to change how I respond when I find out I screwed up.
.-= Julie R.´s last blog ..My God Box =-.
Hey Pete,
I wish our culture cultivated the atmosphere of leadership you are talking about. I’ve been seeing and facing some of the same things from the perspective of a person who is being led. The army has this attitude and teaches that if you are a leader (NCO or above) you 1.Never admit mistakes 2. Never apologize for anything 3. Never admit that you do not know the answer. On my end of things, what this means is that I constantly get the wrong information and can never place my trust in anything I am told. It erodes moral and faith in leadership like nothing else. Thank you for sharing and being willing to be a leader who is human like the rest of us.
-Jonathan
.-= Jonathan Wells´s last blog ..A Prayer for My Heart =-.
Hey Jonathan. Hope you’re doing well pal. Miss seeing you around. Praying for you as you serve our country!!
My father always told me “It is better to take responsibility for your mistakes then to justify them. You may get fired or lose a friend, but in the end it is better to own up. It builds character and you will be a better person for it. In the end most people will respect you for it, whether they admit it or not.” I have tried model the same thing for my kids. Hopefully they are learning from my mistakes!
Great advice Ian. I have no doubt you’re a great model of this.
My fave excuse:
It’s on my “To-Do list”. Then if pressed I explain my list is 2 miles long so please take a number =)
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Dipping Your Toe In… =-.
My problem is that I own too much of it. Hit myself over the head. And hit replay. Over and again.
But, I like what you said about no excuses.
Maybe I need to find the re-record button instead, huh?
.-= Faith Barista | Bonnie´s last blog ..When Everything Falls Apart — What Do You Say? =-.
The problem about putting it out there in public is accountability. LOL My biggest excuse? Social anxiety. “I’m not a people person.” I can do it in certain situations, but if it’s stretching me too far, I give into fear way too often and excuse it.
You’ve had me thinking about this all day, and I admit it was not a fun process.
I usually don’t own up to anything, if I do it’s a, “Was that me? I really don’t remember but O.K…..”
My favorite excuse?
“I thought I heard (fill in the blank) say that’s what was happening now”
or “How was I supposed to know when no one told me.” (When I was clearly hearing instructions the day or sometimes hour before)
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..On Vacation… =-.
Great post Pete! I find it hard to admit that I allowed something that was not good to continue for so long and then blame the consequences on anything or anyone but me.
I suppose for me the hardest part of owning up to mistakes has more to do with the feeling that I’ve let someone down. I absolutely hate that feeling. I cringe just thinking about it.
.-= katdish´s last blog ..Grieving a love gone wrong (by Louise Gallagher) =-.
I’m with you on that! Hate that feeling.
Favorite Excuse: “I’m just so busy!” (A load of excrement!)
Owning it sure is tough. The vulnerability it brings is tremendous, especially when it’s not the common practice of the one owning up. I’m guilty of it myself sometimes too but thankfully I’ve learned that in most cases it’s far better to just lean into it and take the lashings. In the end it build a far greater degree of trust with others when they know we’ll own it, regardless of the outcome.
.-= Daniel Decker´s last blog ..How’s your back door? =-.
Pete, Owning my mistakes is not that hard for me…most of the time. I’ve been in business for myself for over 18 years now and usually have anywhere from 5 to 150 people working for me. I make hiring mistakes, payroll mistakes, team building mistakes, partnership mistakes… in the history of mistakes I’ve probaly made them. The one thing I struggle with sometimes is I’ll take on someone elses mistakes and give them a pass. I struggle with this alot. I’ll step in front of the bus more often than not with a client or a friend. I’ll say this was my fault youre ok. Where does this fit in? Maybe I need to spend more time at the crazy doctor??
.-= Phil Chalos´s last blog ..Welcome to TrinityEnergy.com =-.
Hey Phil,
I hope it isn’t too forward of me to comment a thought behind yours…
I was brought up to say “I’m sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me.” Even when I did NOT start the argument or actually make the mistake, I had to apologize for MY PART in it. Maybe, if when you decide to step in front of the bus, you might take a small step and only admit to the part where you might have been wrong or misunderstood. Because I was also taught that owning your own mistakes was important but that was where my responsibility ended. Whether the other person apologizes and/or owns their mistake is on them. They just need to know you recognize your possible part in the problem and that you know THEY had a hand in it too…
Mistakes? Yes. I am in a season of facing the peace-at-all-cost mistakes I’ve made especially with my spouse. 25 years is a lot to look at when most of it isn’t pretty. But looking back only goes so far to teach. Eventually we (I) need to add application of the lessons being learned. Thanks for the reminder.
.-= minnow´s last blog ..Will the Real Friend Please Stand Up? =-.
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