Emotional Whiplash
Whiplash is a word I’ve used more than once when describing the emotions I often go through as a pastor.
Yesterday was a difficult day. I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but I need to write this now more than you need to read it, so please bear with me. Let me give you a little back story to help you understand.
Over the course of the past 2 years Brandi and I have had two sets of friends who have experienced the loss of a baby. Todd and Angie Smith who lost their baby after 2 hours of life and Mike and Holly Phelps who lost their baby late in their first pregnancy.
I can’t even begin to imagine the heavy heartache and deep loss they went through. And while getting pregnant again doesn’t take a way that pain, you can imagine how excited I was to hear that both couples were once again pregnant.
While each couple faced their own unique challenges, they were both on track to have healthy babies. I couldn’t help but think of what a bitter sweet experience it would be for both of them. A glimmer of hope in the midst of the darkness they’ve been walking through.
In the early hours of yesterday morning, in hospitals just two blocks away from each other, both couples had an pre-term delivery.
Yesterday morning I walked into two different hospital rooms. Both scenes could not have been more similar and yet more different.
Both rooms had moms who were laying in hospital beds. Both rooms had dads who were right by the bed holding and rocking a tiny infant.
However, the similarities end there as one baby was breathing and the other was not.
Todd and Angie’s room was full of prayers, crying and pure joy. There was life.
Mike and Holly’s room was full of prayers and crying, but no joy. No life.
The whole way to the Phelp’s room I cried. I knew the situation I was walking into. I cried out to God…
How could this happen to them again?
Why God, would you allow this family to endure this pain yet again?
Haven’t they been through enough?
Why God?
I’ve been criticized in certain circles for writing a book called Plan B, which is about God, crisis and pain. A book that clearly states I don’t think there are answers to all of life’s questions and complexities.
I dare any one of those critics to stand in the room with this young couple and even try to answer all of the questions they had yesterday as they sit there holding their lifeless child.
I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this as a pastor, but I’m going to anyway… Isn’t it amazing how in a moment like that you so desperately want God near, but at the same time you also feel secretly mad at Him?
Reality for Christians often means we have more questions than we do answers.
Reality is sometimes lacking the faith that will give us a sustained hope.
Reality is even though we know God is with us sometimes we feel completely alone.
Reality is even though we believe, we also doubt.
There’s a big difference between trust and understanding. They say trust is what we need when we don’t have understanding. So today I’m praying for trust. A big, huge, helping of trust.
It’s funny but the final paragraph of Plan B 
I’m asking you to trust that one day faith will win over doubt, that light will win over darkness, love will win over hate, and all things will one day be redeemed. I’m asking you, right in the middle of your Plan B pain, to trust this process that is going on in your life.
I never knew when I wrote those words how much I would need them on a day like today.
Thank you for sharing this. Faith, sometimes that’s the only thread I’m holding.
.-= jessica´s last blog ..A Book Review & Giveaway =-.
I have struggled with doubt and feeling guilty because I felt like doubt was a LACK OF Faith… and I felt like if I have a lack of faith then I am not where God wants me… Am I to correctly understand that a lack of faith is not in direct correlation to being out of step with God? Can I be in God’s will, trusting yet having a small degree of doubt? Does the very presence of doubt always indicate a LACK OF FAITH AND TRUST??
.-= Julie R.´s last blog ..My God Box =-.
Julie, hope it’s okay if I try to answer. This is such a great question. Doubt is not the sin…unbelief is… Doubting is a perfectly normal emotion from imperfect people trying to trust in a perfect God. We doubt because we do not fully understand, but even in our doubts, we can have faith that God is able to do what He has promised to do. I often point to Prov 25:2 and Deut 29:29 for questions like this. There are some things we simply cannot understand or know and during those uncertain times, in spite of our doubts, we simply choose to continue our faith in God. Like the father said in Mark 9:24,”I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
.-= Ron Edmondson´s last blog ..7 Tips for Healthy Marriage Communication =-.
I really needed to hear that. Thanks Ron for your reply!
I never mind insight from other believers. Thanks Ron…I’ve been asking this question of fellow Christians, some of whom were in positions of authority, and you are only 1 of 2 people to give me an answer. Any answer. Again, Thank you! It has given me some great clarity.
.-= Julie R.´s last blog ..My God Box =-.
Julie –
In the body of Christ – we have heard many erroneous sermons. One of which is being told we lack Faith. What we have not been taught is – it’s not our faith, it’s Christs faith! We have the very faith of Christ!! We are lacking in nothing. It’s only when you’re taught incorrectly, do you think you have a lack of faith. You lack nothing!! Unfortunately, in proverbs, the Word says the reason why Gods people perish is for lack of knowledge.
My advise to you, start asking the Holy Spirit to bring you the gospel of Grace, the Good News of Christ…you will be so empowered in your day to day walk, you will see that you come FROM a place of victory and are not HEADED toward victory.
Check out http://www.Josephprince.com on youtube, this mans message of the true gospel of grace, has completely changed my life forever!!
God Bless you my sister,
Lisa
Based on my studies I believe that as our faith in God grows our doubts shrink. James 1 (around vs. 6 & 7) tells us that the one who asks God doubtfully should not expect to receive anything from God; likewise, we see that as soon as Peter took his eyes of Jesus and doubted His power to keep him on top of the water, he sank – and Jesus said, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31). Jesus also told certain blind men whom He healed, “may it be unto you according to your faith” (they were healed). So I think we are called not to doubt. Of course as Pete says, it’s often a reality that we do doubt, myself included. So I personally have seen that certain doubts have diminished as i’ve grown in faith, and when I have doubts I see it as a sign that I have more growing to do I’m Christ.
Going to Pete’s definition of trust, I also think that faith is knowing one thing for sure, even if we don’t know much else about our circumstances, or the why’s of the troubles in our lives: we know in Whom we believe and that He always works things for the good of those who love Him. Everything isn’t perfect on this life, but if we hang on to Christ, He will make all things new and place you in the place where all things have been made right. Those parents will spend eternity with the babies they haven’t known on earth.
blessings,
jose
Some great stuff has already been shared Julie. I think as long as you have faith you will also have doubt. Stop having faith, stop believing and you’ll also stop doubting.
Pete, this is one of your best posts ever. I’m proud to call you one of my favorite pastors and a friend. I’m about to start reading Plan B and thankful already for the lives touched by it in my church.
.-= Ron Edmondson´s last blog ..10 Reasons Not to Call Yourself an Empowering Leader =-.
I was thinking the same exact thing…such an honest, put it on the table, tell it like it is post.
THANK YOU, i have lived my whole life listeneing to “christian” answers and sometimes in life they just don’t cut it.
Thoughts and prayers for both families.
Thank you Ron. Honored to call YOU a friend.
In times of great pain and suffering, anything of the Gospel seems to be trite, empty, and without meaning. Christians will often throw the words around while failing to connect to Christ. When we do find the hope that connects us to Christ, we find the peace that surpasses all understanding even though to find it we must first throw out any standard worldly insight. We confess Christ suffered. We look to Christ’s time of betrayal, trial and death to show the magnitude of Christ’s suffering. When we find ourselves in Christ, we know that we too will suffer as a servant is not greater than his or her master.
And we join together in Christ as He enables us to support and uphold those members who suffer. May God show us His Resurrection even in the places where our human frailty encounters death.
.-= practicinghuman´s last blog ..The Parts of the Body that No One Talks about… =-.
Amazing post! You are speaking truth, Pete. Don’t let any critics get you down. Praying for both families you mention above.
Wow, thank you for your honesty. I weep for this family and for this trust. May we hold it and each other and seek His Spirit of trust. We don’t have it without Him. May your friends be surrounded with those without answers but just hearts of love and trust.
.-= Tom Raines´s last blog ..Today’s Affirmation: The Lord puts His Spirit upon me. =-.
This was a wonderful post. I think if all of life’s questions could be answered and explained why would faith ever be necessary? Trusting our all knowing Creator…having faith that in spite of devastating circumstances He is still in control of the universe.
I think there are many things we won’t have answers to this side of heaven. We still feel pain and sorrow and anger…often it feels like more than we can bear, and it especially feels unfair. I certainly don’t have answers as to many of the ‘why’s in life…but I do know that God is amazingly able to bring peace into our despair. I will be praying for your friends today. I pray God holds them especially close in these next days and months and they feel His peace that surpasses all understanding.
.-= joyce´s last blog ..Catch a tiger by the tail =-.
Well said Joyce.
Mike, Holly, I’m so sorry 8-( I’m crying now as I type this… I’ve been there… and it hurts like HELL! I’m glad you have the support and love of Pete and others at this time. Loving friends can make all the difference. They can’t take away or even minimize your pain, but they will help you re-find hope.
“Isn’t it amazing how in a moment like that you so desperately want God near, but at the same time you also feel secretly mad at Him?”
That’s SO true. It’s ok to be mad. Don’t let be a secret – share it with a (non-judgmental) friend. God wants you to turn to Him, even if in anger and tears, rather than turn away. Not for His sake, but for yours. He alone can heal you ultimately, but it will take time, and will take being real.
The beginning of healing for me took a while, a good while after the death of my baby son, on one night where I let it out, screaming at God, demanding answers, demanding to know why. When I ran out of juice, ran out of words to say, He spoke to me in the silence. I have no answer for you dear one, but I know what it’s like to lose your only child, and right now I’m weeping with you. I still hurt, but I no longer needed answers. I found that I didn’t ultimately need answers, I needed God, I needed to know that in spite of how horrible the situation was, that He cared. Again, this doesn’t come immediately – it will come when you’re ready. For now, you grieve. We grieve. — @ltbaxter
.-= Larry Baxter´s last blog ..Be Intentional With How You Use Your Time =-.
” I found that I didn’t ultimately need answers, I needed God,”
Thank you for this. That was exactly what I needed to read.
Pete, mourning for the Phelps family.
.-= Johanna´s last blog ..Before & After — Old School =-.
That is so amazingly moving. Thank you for sharing Larry.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Being deaf in a .com world =-.
Very well said Larry. Thank you for taking the time to leave this comment.
Thank you for sharing this. I have never lost a baby, but God has used pain in my life in a pretty profound way. I am a better person with pain than I would be without.
I’ll be praying for your friends today, and for you as well.
“Isn’t it amazing how in a moment like that you so desperately want God near, but at the same time you also feel secretly mad at Him?”
Absolutely
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..4 Years =-.
Exactly.
.-= Susan´s last blog ..The Mountain of God =-.
Yep
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Thrive Africa =-.
Pete, I imagine this was more for your own personal processing, but I am thankful you shared.
My wife and I are 10 days way from our two year mark and do not have any children of our own, so I can not even begin to immitate such a comprehension of the situation, or it’s gravity on the soul. I have however seen my father in law, a missionary to Korea, shed tears 21 years after they lost Morgan. She is their third, out of six. She was born with some sort of compliation within her blood, she lived a week. He shared with me the pain, the doubt, the questions, the anger, and the frustration he experienced when they lost her. Why would God take Morgan from them? Not that missionaries deserve more favor from God than any one else, but why when they had left the rest of their family to serve Him, would He take their little girl. His own answer to the question: “I don’t know.” He expressed the same sentiments to me as you have in this post.
There are no answers to be had, but what is for certain is that both families have a great man of God to lead them through both this time of joy and pain. I will be praying for you!
.-= Mason Stanley´s last blog ..4 ways that helped me quit smoking =-.
You couldn’t be more right…the critics can bite! I love Mark 9:24 where the father of the mute boy says to Jesus, “I do believe; help my unbelief.” We live in the tension between total faith and weakness. And He knows it. And meets us where we are.
This makes me want to read your book. Critics should have to read books outside of the bubble that we all sometimes find ourselves in.
.-= Rick Nier´s last blog ..Book Review: The Naked Gospel =-.
Praying so hard right now for both couples.
You said exactly what I’ve been feeling the past few weeks after the flood. I so desperately want God near, yet I am secretly mad at Him.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Kids Say the Funniest Things – Part 2 =-.
We are in the middle of Plan B. Long story short we have 2 people in particular who have given us words that we believe are from God. Trying our best to follow him my husband got colon cancer, lost his job as an ministry district official, tried to plant a church and when unable to find a job to sustain us moved back to his home state. Now the cancer is back with a vengeance. Many questions, fears, but through it all knowing God is in control and trusting Him for the outcome. I just started reading Plan B and already God is showing me that we are at he Jordan and need to step into the water.
I can totally relate to how you feel when you face those couples as we have pastored for 17 years and faced many times when we didn’t see God but knew he had a bigger plan. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing with us.
.-= Laurabo´s last blog ..Twisted Path of LIfe =-.
I a glad I read this today. The reality is that we don’t have the eyes of God, we can only pray for Him to keep opening the eyes of our spiritual understanding so we can see things the way He does.
.-= Jaycee (E.A)´s last blog ..In the Market Places of Your World They are Waiting For You =-.
Pete, you are sounding a lot like the writer of Psalm 13…
1
How long, O Lord ? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
2
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
3
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
4
And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.
5
But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
6
I will sing to the Lord ,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.
.-= Jim Gray´s last blog ..Batman Makeover at 330PM =-.
Somewhere along the way it became “unchristian” to question God when people of faith question God throughout the scriptures. As you point out so well David questioned Him as much as anyone that is documented and God calls him a man after his own heart. God gets it, many in the pews and pulpits do not.
Love you Pete and am praying for both families.
.-= Harold´s last blog ..Reaching Remote Areas =-.
thanks buddy.
Pete,
WOW! Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your heart today. Our daughter, Ella Grace, was born still on 03/04/10 at 21weeks 1 day. Burying our precious daughter was the hardest thing either of us had to do. She was our 3rd pregnancy and yet we still have no babies in this world. Having faith is a double edged sword when enduring pain as intense as losing a child. I have *faith* that God is a big God that is capable of miracles and amazing big things…so why didn’t he save any of our babies? Yet, I can still have faith that God will build great things from the ashes of our lives. It’s okay to be angry at Him…it has to be! I keep telling myself (and anyone who questions!) that MY God is a big God and He gave me these emotions and He is big enough to handle them!
Thank you for sharing your heart and for blessing mine!
I so agree with you Britt! Hang in there.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Being deaf in a .com world =-.
Oh gosh Britt. Thanks so much for sharing. Praying for you.
This post was super hard for me to read. I can’t relate it to it as an adult who lost a child but as a little girl who lost her baby brother. Even as an adult February 5th is bitter sweet and the 19th is just plain HARD (28 years later, there are still years when I just weep for the loss). I think it gets harder as I get older, just because I can more easily empathize and understand the devastating blow it was for my parents. Logically I know SIDS isn’t genetic, but I worry about it affecting any kids I may have in the future. I know of the pressure to be “extra ______” to make up for the loss or the guilt that the wrong child died when I didn’t feel like I was “enough”. There was nothing anyone did or said that put those pressures on me or could have taken them away. I will never understand why Adam was taken from us so soon, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t trust God’s master plan. I have grown so much from working through the loss of my brother and can state with absolute certainty I wouldn’t be half of who I am had his loss not been a part of my life.
I will be holding both of these families, and you Pete, in prayer. Thank you for putting this out there, your openness is what makes your leadership so powerful.
It’s been a long while since I’ve posted…. but for so long, Sam and I were struggling with finances and careers. Many of you kept us in prayer – thank you!
What began those struggles was a decision to move to a new home one year ago. It was stressful, but we felt led it was right for us. The payments were higher, but at the time, we were comfortable doing so. Shortly after is when my biz declined quickly creating hardship.
We questioned daily that decision to move – though we had prayed hard over it and had felt at the time it was what we were supposed to do. When we moved, we felt that this new home would allow for us to “open our home and care for others”. But we were fearful for months during our struggle and constantly questioned the “why’s” and “what-ifs” filling tearful and sleepless nights.
Here’s the twist that brings this all back to what Pete is saying.
The home we sold was flooded with 6′ of water in it. We moved out on May 2nd, 2009. It flooded on May 2, 2010.
With a mix of relief and survivors’ guilt, our family kicked it into high gear to help our friends and former neighbors on that street. While our hearts broke, we were able to offer shelter and resources for them.
We can clearly see now that God’s hand was in this. We were given grace with the prompt to sell that house – in a time where we had no interest in moving.
God had his plan – albeit small in the mass of destruction around us – we know He used us and the home He gave us to help others we love.
Though things are still tough, but biz has been rapidly growing – and proof once again that God has His timing and all He asks is for me to trust in it.
Reading this I have goosebumps! I love those moments when you can look back and finally see all the lines connecting the dots to form the picture that you didn’t understand as you were moving dot to dot.
Powerful Paula. Very powerful.
Pete,
On the day that Christ came walking across the water in the middle of the storm and showed up personally to one boat, I have to imagine that there were other boats being tossed about by the waves.
The disciples witnessed several miracles that day:
* Christ walking on the water
* Peter walking on the water – momentarily
* Christ calming the storm
* Understanding that Christ was God’s son
Even in the middle of those miracles there was fear, doubt, and lack of faith.
I wonder what all those people on the other boats thought that day when the rough storm was suddenly gone with no explanation. They had been witness to a miracle and didn’t even know it. But they were still left to deal with whatever affects the storm had caused.
There was a lot going on in that storm.
Ultimately, some would know why the storm stopped but none of the people were aware of why the storm came when they were in the middle of it.
It sounds like a storm showed up yesterday in a lot of people’s lives – including yours.
Maybe it looks as if Christ showed up personally to only one boat and there is rejoicing there because circumstances turned out miraculously. And while we don’t understand why the storm showed up in the pre-term labor of this child, we choose to celebrate God’s gift of life to this child… and to the family.
The storm hasn’t broke yet for the other family. Right now there is a lot of pain and questions. But we have hope that the storm will break – that doesn’t mean that this family will not live with the questions of why that storm showed up for the rest of their lives. My heart feels for them – deeply.
We all have something in common with Peter – not the Peter who was walking on the water, but the Peter that was sinking in the waves. And while many may focus on Christ’s words to him about faith and doubting, there were two other things that happened first.
* Peter cried out to Christ
* Christ immediately reached out His hand
In this time of questions, pain, suffering, and doubt we can cry out to Him. He will pull us out of the waves… in His timing.
I guess I have said all of that to share this: I pray that Christ shows up in the middle of this storm. And while some will be immediate witness to miraculous events, others may only hear about them afterwards. And I pray that there will be a day soon that we can praise God for His faithfulness in this situation.
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..Cracks in the Church =-.
Geez, Tony,
You always type what I’m thinking or answering a question I have. The people God has put in my path have given me so much! In prayer, in words, in thoughts. We come together to worship, to pray, to ponder those unanswered questions. Thanks for being so level-headed (at least so far, I’ve only “known” you for such a short time!).
Thank you Tony. I take your words to heart.
Powerful stuff man…
Thank you for your transparency Pete. Your words gave me chills. I am praying for the Phelps family. I am so very sad for them.
Also thank you for loving your friends and your church so well. We are so thankful for you.
.-= Jessica Turner´s last blog ..Friday Giveaway: The Tallest of Smalls =-.
Sometimes we just wail together. And later, we realize that Jesus, himself, was wailing with us.
That’s the honest Truth.
.-= Jessica Gavin´s last blog ..Oh No, I’m becoming THAT kind of Christian =-.
Thank you for your transparency. Thank you for being real.
Prayers are going out for you and both families mentioned in your post.
Love is being poured out upon you and them.
.-= Dusty Rayburn´s last blog ..Remembering the Miracles =-.
Zee over at http://nazareneblogs.org/zenichka/2010/05/21/random-notes-remembering/ posted this verse today, and I thought it was appropriate to share:
“He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.”
2 Corinthians 1:4-5, the Message
.-= Dusty Rayburn´s last blog ..Remembering the Miracles =-.
Thanks for that. As I read this post, I am recalling John 16 when Jesus said, “in the world you WILL..” not might but will “…have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” That’s the point of our faith is that it’s centered on Christ. We can’t do it ourselves. We can’t save ourselves, and we don’t do other stuff very well either. We are likened as sheep in scripture for a reason. We need a shepherd. We don’t know the way. But the Good Shepherd does. And you are right, that’s trust comes in. I don’t know if sheep “understand” much. But Jesus said that they do know the Shepherds voice and they follow it. So should we know his voice. Even through the hard times…we should listen for the Master’s voice.
Hard times tend to bring out extremes in us. Either we will run to Christ or run from him. I’ll choose “to”.
Thanks again….this post ministered to me today.
Agreed, trust does not = understanding. Trust IS integral to faith though.
Pete-
I once asked a friend who lost her 3 year old son unexpectedly … “were you mad at God?” I almost expected a Sunday School answer of “no … I trusted”, etc. But instead she was brutally honest and said … “Yes. In fact, God and I had words.” And yet … through the days and the weeks that followed she (as Tony York so clearly wrote about earlier) … put her hand out and into God’s. She told me the other day she had a decision to make … and she thought about it long and hard. A decision to continue to be mad and turn on back on everything she had ever said she believed or a decision to say “I know whom I have believed”. She said it was a very dark place (of course … she lost her child), but that she knew it would continue to be dark unless she walked towards the Light.
She allows me to tell her story when I speak. I wrote more about their story here:
http://i-get-to.blogspot.com/2009/03/in-immortal-words-of-elmo.html
Honestly, I haven’t heard and find it hard to believe there could be criticism of Plan B. I’m reading it now … and in many ways living it. Aren’t we all to some extent?
Faith in Christ is embracing Him … even when Plan B is the pits.
.-= Darla Baerg´s last blog ..The wild, wild west … (ok, it’s just Houston) =-.
Wow.
I’m going to pray for both couples…
I think I really need to read your book, since it seems I’m living a Plan B life. I’m starting to dig a little deeper into processing it. Would you mind reading my latest blog post about it?
Sara
.-= Sara Dailey´s last blog ..The Present – Widowhood =-.
Pete, been following your blog for a while now. This post was incredibly timely for friends of mine who are wrestling with the pre-term delivery and loss of twins, just this past week or 2. Thank you for giving a fellow pastor another resource to pass along.
“Isn’t it amazing how in a moment like that you so desperately want God near, but at the same time you also feel secretly mad at Him?” – Pete you have no idea how many times I’ve been there with God. How many times I desperately wanted to feel his presence but yet too angry to care where he was (even though I knew he was there) These words resonate to the deepest of my bones right now. Granite, I haven’t had the heartfelt and overwhelming pain of giving birth and losing a child within minutes of their precious life. But through a miscarriage I experienced a loss I wasn’t quite ready for. And for someone who so desperately wants to be a mom and to experience the joys of motherhood I thought that God was being cruel to me the day it happened. Truer words have not been spoken then when you said that the Christian reality is often more full with questions than answers. We know God’s heart, we know what he wants for his people – yet sometimes the approach He takes is unconventional in our eyes. I cannot thank you enough for writing this today and for sharing your heart and your thoughts. Prayers are with both families as they experience very different emotions in their days ahead.
I’m not not secretly mad at God. I’m openly furious at him. I think “livid” is the word.
Please let the Phelp’s know they are in my prayers.
Great post, very emotional for me as a parent thank you for looking these difficult topics face first.
Pete, My Dad was/is a pastor. This post hits it out of the park in more ways than I even know where to begin. Thanks for having the courage and guts to lay it out there. And for Mike and Holly…I want to say I’ll pray for them, but if I am honest that sounds so trite and like a crappy thing to say. I do hope they are able to trust…
“Reality is even though we know God is with us sometimes we feel completely alone.”
Thanks Pete, even though I don’t know you, you’re writing is dead on and the clarity in some of the confusion at times.
I am so proud of you right now. Even though I do not personally know you I have followed you for some months now. I not so strong that I can raise above all situations in my life, in fact I get down right angry with God. But I also know that HE is sovereign and his plans are not mine.
Your blog today will comfort anger and amaze those who read it. God has given you a gift and it is blessing even me, a Grandmother in Canada. The loss of a child is the most painful experience anyone has to deal with. I have lost four. One through late term miscarriage, one through abortion and two live children who have run from committment to being a family. Am I bitter? Of course I have my moments. My heart aches for relationship. But God in His wisdom blesses me in many other ways. I have spiritual sons and daughters who love me and my husband like their own family.
A wise friend once, in a moment of my dispair, shared that God let His own Son come to earth knowing what would happen to Him. Jesus would die on a cross for our sins. Talk about true love for us.
As I write this I think about these two young families, one excited and happy and the other devistated. I pray that they would cling to the God who loves them inspite of the plan He has for them.
Thank you Pete for being honest, real and loving.
Powerful words Pete. I think it is awesome that you put this out there. As if the grieving or hurting don’t have enough emotions rioting thru them, the last thing they need is a dose of guilt dumped on them from a “well-meaning” Christian.
Bless you. I hope God reaches down and gives you all a big hug today.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Being deaf in a .com world =-.
Pete, I cried when I read this post because I do understand. And yes, I can remember some pivotal moments when I needed a touch from God so desperately but I was ANGRY at Him for what happened.
The night our pastor’s wife (and long time friend) committed suicide I stood in their living room and in the same breath prayed for God to redeem and move and said “How could you let this happen, God?”. And while I know the “answer” is to say “Don’t blame God for the actions of man.”, I still struggled to understand. To continue to believe that God is STILL good, and to stretch out my hand and reach for Him and to fall on my face and seek him in that lack of understanding is trust. Pretending I am fine in the midst of it all is denial.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand why this happened. It changed so many people’s lives. It has left an indelible mark. And as I wrestle with God through it all, the most important part is that I do wrestle. I don’t give up. I don’t walk away.
God can handle our questions. He desires our honesty.
.-= Jan Owen´s last blog ..What Are You in Love With? =-.
Amazing to know that when God speak through you, sometimes He is creating the message for your own good. Really appreciate you being an author that doesn’t think the world needs to hear their words more than you do.
God’s sure created us in our own unique ways. Not everyone could do what you do!
.-= Gabe Taviano´s last blog ..Digital Disciples just sounds cool =-.
Thank you for your honesty and being so candid. I’m reading Plan B right now and I so appreciate this book and how honest you are.
.-= Andrea Worley´s last blog ..Our Little Jitterbug =-.
Your honesty is always refreshing! Being a PK myself, I am all too familiar with the mentality that the preacher (and his family) must be perfect…
Your book has been a blessing to me, and others. Cool how the Lord gave you a special blessing from it as well.
Pete, Seems I’ll join the group of women who cried. I cannot fathom the loss of a child. Sometimes the greatest comfort is being real with the parents. Not being all warm & fuzzy with all the answers. People will look to you. Knowing you don’t have all the answers, but expecting them anyway. The pastor is the go-to person. I don’t know you, but to read comments from the people who do and reading your posts, I wish I did! Just know that for all those burdens you carry, someone is carrying you when it gets overwhelming. That is an awesome thing to know!
As I write this, the new Josh Wilson song is on KLove “Before the Morning”. Such awesome words of encouragement. Keep being real, Pete. Keep looking for the answers. Keep sharing them with us.
My deepest condolences to them, and to you.
.-= Helen´s last blog ..The Gift of Grace =-.
Been there. Except my “mad” was not too secret. I am glad both of these families have you in their lives. Your words help bring the real into our relationship with God.
.-= Ric´s last blog ..The Network-Outage Blues =-.
I’ve been maneuvering my way through the blogosphere lately trying to get my creative juices flowing by networking with other bloggers. While doing this, I found my way to your site and I’m so glad I did. I identify more with this post than you can imagine. Thank you for allowing us to see that our doubts and frustrations are part of the process. Blessings!
Thank you for dropping by Jessica. Good luck with your writing.
Pete,
I ran across your website one day last week and was very drawn to your raw realness! This post particularly struck me today and I so appreciate your writing! It is nice to know that there are brothers and sisters out there who are being real with their walk for God. I think God wants us to seek and question and that is how we grow. I am so sorry for your friends and the pain they have had to go through. –Just wanted you to know that your writing made a difference for me today and I agree with your thoughts! The other side of heaven is where we will one day understand some of the answers to our questions, until then we must trust. -That is true faith not understanding it all, and not afraid to ask why, but trusting that His plan is perfect especially when we don’t agree with it all the time.
My prayers to you and your friends!
Molly in Denver CO
Amen Pete. I am so thankful for your words today.
.-= Heidi´s last blog ..The Bathroom Stall =-.
thank you for sharing so honestly and transparently. i can’t even begin to tell you how new of an experience it is for me to know a pastor or a leader who is willing to be vulnerable. especially in areas of faith.
my heart is heavy for the phelps… and for you and brandi. i know you feel the weight of loss for your friends. and that is no small thing.
.-= alece´s last blog ..four-minute friday: randoms =-.
“MY GOD! MY GOD! Why have you forsaken me???”
That’s how we can feel at these times.
Forsaken.
Is God even PAYING ATTENTION up there?
As difficult as this time is we can take comfort that our High Priest DOES understand. He CAN relate. He CAN heal.
And because of the intense pain that we feel it’s OK, and even kinda necessary, to be angry, and to even “beat on God’s chest” like a child. It is then, when we come near to Him in anger, when we demand explanations, that His Spirit burns within us, His arms enfolding us, loving us, and healing us. Not all at once. Not on our time line, but on the right one.
You are in our prayers, Pete, as you minister to this couple. They are also in our prayers.
.-= Buddy Knight´s last blog ..Staying Pure In An Impure World:What Is Purity? =-.
My heart grieves for this family, and I can’t even begin to imagine the pain they are going through.
I grieve myself, not for a lost child, but for the fact that at 41 years old, I don’t have kids – or a husband for that matter. This has been all I have wanted out of life since I was a young girl, and quite honestly, my time is running short for having kids (due to my age). I get angry at God for not answering a life-long prayer. And then I feel guilty for getting angry at God. I’ve lashed out at him, and in all honesty, stopped talking to him…but I always go back. But, because of my actions, I feel like I have doubt and unbelief (but I have never lost my faith in God) in Him and that I am a “bad Christian”.
Anyway, I know that is nothing like what this family is going through, but I guess I just wanted to comment on the faith/doubt issue spoken of…though I’m not sure I even made any sense.
.-= Shelley´s last blog ..Tuesday =-.
Yup, trust is the right way. Nothing said about easy. Or understanding. Far FAR easier to say.
I remember reading about John the Baptist sending men to Jesus when he (John) was in prison: “Are you the one who is to come or shall we look for another?”
That so resonated with me at that particular time in my life. I had faced my own Plan B, and chose to flip God the bird and walk away rather than trust. After years, after the separation from Him was unbearable, and I came back, that’s what it came down to: trust rather than understanding.
I still don’t “get it”. But. I now choose trust. I’d rather be who I am today than who I was before – pre Plan B. And now I realize that when I’m howling in agony, God’s not covering His ears – He’s right beside me, feeling it with me.
Pete this broke my heart! When I heard Angie had a healthy baby I was so excited for her- never having met her but reading her blog and about her story through Cross Point. I can’t imagine how difficult all of this was for you and especially for Mike and Holly. I am totally fine with knowing my pastor has been angry at God, because that makes you human! When my friend’s son died last year after 3 months in the NICU fighting all odds and then eventually succumbing to an infection I was more than angry. I hope some how there is a glimmer of hope in all of this.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Nashville Flood 2010 =-.
Thank you everyone who posted on my comment. I so appreciate the insights.
.-= Julie R.´s last blog ..My God Box =-.
An amazing post….
Thank you for sharing this.
.-= Lindsey Nobles´s last blog ..Oh, My Childish Ways =-.
Thank you for sharing. Your words are an encouragement to me.
In tears. I love you, Pete. Thanks for sharing yourself.
Thanks for this Pete. Thanks for being real and I’m glad you say the things you do; pastors should say those things…
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Olympic Trip =-.
Thanks Pete. Never thought that this current season would bring a ton of questions and grief back up, but it has. And I am okay with that. I know I am stronger for what He has done in my life. Doesn’t make it easier or allow me to have more control. It is simply His will. I’m praying for both couples and for your heart as you continue to be their guide.
.-= Dedra´s last blog ..humor me…. =-.
Oh, so sad. I had an ectopic pregnancy after all kinds of infertility testing and corrective surgery–which took my ability to conceive naturally. Why? To comfort others?
He made us with emotions. I think it’s okay to be mad and pound on His chest and then sink into His lap and let Him hold us.
God eventually brought us two children to adopt, so that wasn’t the end of the story. But it was the beginning of a lot more fire and pain and learning to walk in faith and trust in a God who is in control. Even when it seems like He’s not.
My heart hurts for Mike and Holly. I will be praying for them and for you–and for Todd and Angie because I suspect they will be dealing with a whole realm of emotions, too.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thanks for this post Pete. Thanks for being honest. And thank you for writing Plan B.
.-= Elaina´s last blog ..Marines, God’s will, your calling & the suckage that is a holding pattern… =-.
I’m SOS orry fornthe whiplash you have to daily experience, and so grateful that the people in your life have you. Because you get it. The real life stuff, not just the things pastors are supposed to say.
Because I can honestly say that I am unwavering in my faith. But in that steady faith, I get tired and sad and angry. And I also know that it’s not my job to understand. You’re so right about that. It’s just my job to have faith enough to keep saying yes, even when I want to scream no.
I’m praying for your steady faith.
.-= gitz´s last blog ..Blessings Hold More Weight =-.
Reality for Christians often means we have more questions than we do answers.
forgive me for sounding a bit cliche, but i truly believe that at least we got SOME answers. that’s something that keeps me going when i fight with the questions…
thank you for the reminder, Pete.
.-= Zee´s last blog ..[comic of the day] =-.
The contrast of viewing life both on the mountains and in the valleys is overwhelming, but to see it in the same hour has to be a questioning God experience. Love the Psalm listed above. Thank you for being so open in both your understanding and trust. Having gone through a whole lot of Plan B life, I have to think that perhaps the critics of your book haven’t personally experienced the depth of sorrow. The sad part about that is that they probably having experienced the height of true joy either.
.-= Rachel wojnarowski´s last blog ..Columbus Clippers National Anthem Video =-.
I just read chapter one of Plan B where you talked about walking with another family through this… I just can’t imagine the heartbreak and pain.
When I read the story in Plan B, I kept thinking about God’s redemptive presence IN THE MIDST OF the family’s suffering. It did not bring the baby back, it did not lessen the inevitable pain that loss brings, it just gave them (and your community of faith at that time) the Presence of the Holy walking with them… To me, being able to see God-as-redemptive in difficult situations gives hope and meaning to walking through this thing called life…
Will be praying for your friends.
I have been reading a really old book that was discarded by a library and ended up at the Goodwill (some of my favorite books are the ones long discarded by others)- the chapters I read today talked about grief, and how as Christians we often try to comfort one by encouraging them to embrace God’s wisdom, provision, grace and to move on knowing the one dead is in a better place.
It is so important to be real with God. He knows when we are hurt, angry, and inconsolable. He is God – big enough to handle all we say and feel.
The author of this little book described the very personal process of walking through pain and suffering, and how there was no time table or “proper method”. One thing in common to all is at such times of great loss, God is able to bring each to “the backside of the mountain” and individually walk us through what He knows we need. He personally ministers to us.
It is on the back side of the mountain because it is often in solitude, out of the eye of others, that we allow God to take us to new places, insight and understanding. Moses went to the backside of a mountain to talk to God in a burning bush. Jesus went to the backside of a mountain to find “His way home on Golgotha’s naked slope.”
It is in the bramble of the backside of the mountain of suffering God speaks spiritually to us when our hearts are breaking and our world appears to be coming to an end. In God’s timing, and ours – when we are ready -, we allow ourselves to discover, to be open to the unfolding of God’s plans, and our lonely soul can gain from God a purpose, a meaning, a vision to go on with our lives.
May God wrap these precious people in His arms, and those who have written to share their incredible similar pain of dealing with death/loss of a child.
Pete – thank you as always for not playing church but really allowing God to live His church in and through your ministry and those God brings to your church for ministry.
.-= Lindy Abbott´s last blog ..America is Being Terriorized =-.
I think Angie herself said it best… “We need to trust You more than we understand You”…
I cannot imagine. My heart hurts. But I MUST have faith. For without it, everything is meaningless.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..My Kid is Awesome. =-.
Pete,
As a pastor who has sat with a hurting family full of questions and doubts in the midst of their pain, I know the pain you are experiencing and the cry of your heart. We can offer trite platitudes that appear to have all the answers, or we can honestly cry with them and assure them of the loving grace of God that will see them through this. The latter is the only way for them to hear the voice of God through us. The former merely muffles His comforting voice of truth.
Thank you for sharing. My prayers go up for these families and for His Spirit to work through you in the lives of many He has placed in your world.
I don’t have much to say except “Thank you.” As someone who experienced a 2nd trimester miscarriage and questioned, and been angry at God, this story particularly touched my heart.
Oh, wow. I’m so, so sorry for your friends. I’ll say a prayer for them right now. I think one of the hardest things about faith is that we’re called to trust God even when we have absolutely no clue why he’s allowing us to go through what we are experiencing. I wish there were answers, or that we could see the future so we’d know why this had to happen. My husband and I are reading through the Bible together again this year (we’re trying to do it every year of our marriage), and we just finished Job this morning. Talk about wondering why! I pray that I will never have to go through what your friends are experiencing, but I pray even more that if I do, God will help me to trust Him. I’ll be praying for them!
Thank you for sharing so openly and putting words to what so many of us often struggle with. I heard it said that the opposite of faith isn’t doubting – it’s unbelief, so questioning God’s ways & timing is just not being able to understand. And, that’s where that trust comes in. Praying for you & your friends.
.-= Mela Kamin´s last blog ..Blessed or Stressed =-.
I’ve been there. Words can’t convey the pain of losing a baby, or my unanswerable grief at not being able to give name or face to a child lost too early (12 weeks pregnant) to be known. Pregnant again (now almost 32 weeks), I’m blessed and excited, but also scared out of my mind. I can’t imagine enduring that loss again.
I want to thank you, Pete, for not offering simple answers. Nothing feels quite so belittling in my experience as a trite answer or an injunction to just have faith, when that feels like the least possible thing in the world. The friends who were willing to wrestle with me in the tension or sit and listen to the pain were incredibly helpful. There are no answers to the whys; there’s only coming to a place where I found God in the midst of the pain and the love others poured out.
.-= Becca Clark´s last blog ..Construction =-.
Excellent, I needed that today…