I read an interesting article online called “Emotional Pornography” written by Cole NeSmith. It brought up a topic I would love to chat about here today. He wrote…
There’s certainly a war against the prevalence of visual pornography in many corners of our society—especially in the Christian culture. There is an attempt to expose pornography for its promotion of unrealistic sexual expectations and exploitation of human sexuality. And that attempt is a very necessary one.
But what about the unhealthy emotional and relational expectations portrayed in so much of our media? Is there really much of a difference in the hyperbolized sexual imagery of typical pornography and the hyperbolized momentary emotional high felt in a romance film or romantic comedy that sends us looking for a “love” that doesn’t exist?
He continues describing the damage he believes can be made via such “emotional pornography”…
As a result, we’re taught to crave the moment of romantic ecstasy or to live for the wedding day. We’re raised to think these are the real stories of love and relationship, and we’re confused when they are so few and far between that we aren’t sustained. So we turn back to that which led us to believe in this fantasy all along. And we’re left with an old woman sitting alone, in her love seat, in front of the television watching her “stories.”
Kids eventually understand that pumpkins don’t turn to glass carriages and Fairy Godmothers don’t grant wishes, but many girls never grow out of the idea that one day they will be rescued from reality by some magic and a fictitious prince. And little boys never live up to the fantasy of the mind or that they’re supposed to be that prince and that their spouse is an all-fulfilling princess.
Do you guys think we’re considering the dangers of pornography of the mind and heart?
probably not.
and, probably because reforming the one (visual) is easier and – in a sense – more comfortable to embrace and promote; the other (emotional/relational) is harder and more convicting.
almost always easier to change the outward than the inward.
So true John.
I would say probably not too – but this is one to really wrestle with.
I agree with John (above) that it is almost always easier to change the outward than the inward.
I just might need to look that article up.
.-= Jim F.´s last blog ..Church being the Church =-.
Being a woman and living in a dorm (at seminary) full of women, I would say no. The expectations of many of the women (admittedly, we are all in our 20′s) are entirely unrealistic. In fact, even the men here at the seminary have expectations of love, relationship, and marriage that seem completely unrealistic. I am in a relationship now and have realized just how much my thinking has been influenced by chick flick movies and such. So no, I don’t think we aren’t considering the dangers of emotional pornography.
I completely agree with this and find that it’s a constant battle with my 16 year old, who DOES believe that a handsome prince is going to sweep her off her feet. She has gone so far as to tell me about how marriage is all about dancing together every night, chocolate roses, etc, etc…. I just say “uhhhh, look at your dad and me, do WE do any of that?” Of course, she thinks something is wrong with US.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Random Thoughts #2 =-.
HA! Your comment really made me laugh. My wife and have been married for a year and have shared our thoughts on this very candidily. Partly I believe, because we were both raised with a healthy example of marriage and romance from our parents.
But we also held some of those false beliefs about romance when we were teens and learned the hard way.
Now working with teens in youth groups, I hear the very same things you are describing coming ut of their mouths. It kills me!
Keep that example of a good marriage in front of your 16yr old and, one day, it will make sense to her too.
.-= Aaron Shaver´s last blog ..QUESTION: If you could take up ANY random hobby… =-.
I agree Aaron.
As Aaron said above (I’m his wife, by the way) this topic is one that we’ve discussed on many occasions. From the time I was a little girl dressing up like a Princess and singing “Someday My Prince Will Come”, this was (and honestly, is) something very close to my heart. For me it was all about trying to force the “Happily Ever After” with whomever I happened to be dating at the time and was devastated when it wasn’t everything movies, media and fairy tales taught me it would be. These stories can destroy girls and guys of any age mostly because the focus is off.
I did get a Protector/Leader/Lover/God Following husband and we have an amazing marriage, but only because it was God-Arranged. We didn’t try to force or make each other fit into the Rom-Com/Disney Fairytale mold. We had both already tried that path…and obviously failed…many times.
I agree that emotional porn is readily available and even encouraged, but many times I think it is because of the way we view those stories not necessarily the stories themselves. Instead of being alone eating ice cream crying over how my life isn’t like it is in the movies, I could have protected my heart by only realizing that God loves happy endings, romance and a good story just like I do. It’s only when we get a hold of awesome things like sex and romance that we have the capability to turn it into porn.
Great point Elaina!
Wow. This was a great post, and something I’ve never thought about. As a young woman, newly married, I agree with what others have said here, the expectations are unrealistic but I didn’t even realize it until it was put in front of me in this way. Thanks for helping me see it this way, I’m sure my husband would thank you too.
no we don’t address it – not near enough anyway. As a woman, it is so easy to see the romance stories and to think, “my husband must not really love me if he doesn’t love me like that”, to become discontent with the man I married. And boy, that only leads to trouble – destroys a marriage, a family and a man. I never made the connection between my unhappiness in my marriage and the unrealistic perception I had of love until my mom pointed it out. She told me that if I was wanted to keep my marriage I needed to stop watching romantic movies and seek the Lord in my marriage. The Lord then did an amazing work in my heart and in my marriage and I began to love my husband as I never imagined.
This is a very real and very serious issue that we don’t address as we should. My real Prince Charming is Christ, and I have to stop looking to my husband for things he can never give me – that frees me and him up to love each other more fully.
Thanks for bringing this topic up – and for your blog.
rebecca
Definitely not. I am the queen of the romance movie, novel, what have you. And I admit that it definitely tarnished my view of what I should expect from my marriage (been married going on 12 years now). It also infringed on my ability to fully appreciate the amazing relationship I did have in comparison to the one I wanted to have.
Thank you for sharing this topic as it has definitely made me realize I need to do some work with my girls regarding this topic.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Dare to Share =-.
I’ll admit it Kim. Even as a dude I can really get sucked up into this as well.
I never read romance novels, and don’t like chick flicks etc, simply because I get so caught up in it and it is ‘real’ (and I’m 42, married half my life). So I prefer to stay away from them. Give me a *good* crime novel though…..
PS Just asked my 16yo if she expects Prince Charming to come along and sweep her off her feet, and her response was beautiful – Yeah, right! It seems she lives in the real world also.
You’re off to a good start then. This really has had me thinking a lot. Not gonna lie, I still love me some cheesy aawwww moments, but realize now even as I am watching I need to truly be compartmentalizing all of it into the entertainment bin of my mind. Will have to ask my oldest that question (she’s 10 going on 16)
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Dare to Share =-.
It will be interesting to see the comments to this one as I pretty much got reamed on this blog for making the same points Cole made here back on your post about porn and pedicures. http://withoutwax.tv/2009/08/31/porn-is-to-him-what-a-pedicure-is-to-her/comment-page-1/#comment-26942
.-= Andy´s last blog ..Back In The High Life Again =-.
i think we’re mostly not considering the dangers of pornography of the mind and heart. but i think we need to go way beyond just that…
i also read the piece you’re speaking of and think it’s a great start to addressing a real problem. currently there’s a tremendous need for us to look not only at the physical issues concerning sex, but also at those which are emotional. but we really need to dig a lot deeper than a discussion on pornography and emotional pornography.
we need to go beyond premarital sex to discuss emotional over-commitment. we need to go beyond the physical act of adultery to address psychological cheating. we need to stop talking about sex only in terms of body parts, and start talking about it in terms of thoughts and desires, verbal flirtations and emotional attachments.
while we’re focusing on keeping our hands clean, satan is destroying our hearts and our minds.
.-= JamesBrett´s last blog ..mission to geita =-.
Oh wow – this is right up my alley … I absolutely fell for this … grew up watching soap operas and I falsely linked my reality to those unrealistic pictures. That skewed view took me through a stormy relationship from age 16-21, where if there wasn’t drama, it wasn’t real. I stayed in it longer than I should have and for the wrong reasons, because I thought that was what love looked & felt like. It took me a long time to wake up from that.
And, I know someone who is getting divorced because, as she puts it, she wants that “new love feeling.” UGH
Emotional pornography is a real problem.
.-= Mela Kamin´s last blog ..Blessed or Stressed =-.
Truthfully, I enjoy a good romance movie. But then I also pick apart at some of the things they do and what they imply.
I have been married for 14 years, and my husband has bought me flowers less than the fingers on one hand. But when my mom got sick, he was the one who suggested she move in with us so that I have the peace of mind of knowing that everything that can be done for her is being done, and so I wouldn’t worry about falls or things. There isn’t a romance movie around that would suggest inviting the MIL to live with you would be a good thing, but Bob proved his love for me then in ways that flowers and pretty speeches never could. I will never forget the day he had to carry her back to bed from the washroom. He became my hero that day in a way that the writers of Hollywood scripts could never understand, much less express.
That said, I thought Mamma Mia was great!
.-= Helen´s last blog .."She’ll Always Be With You…" =-.
Helen,
Your husband may not be a “flowers and candy” kind of guy but, I have to agree w you, he’s sounds like a hero to me.
.-= Aaron Shaver´s last blog ..QUESTION: If you could take up ANY random hobby… =-.
Working with youth I see that a lot. The fact that the boy is trying to be the prince that takes care of all the needs of the princess and the princess wants to live in a large white mansion filled with all the lushness of life.
Then you ask about reality. Is the guy the one that God has planned for you to be with? Are you as the guy going to to actually be able to meet every need of the girl? Is there a plan of how to get that mansion and keep it full of stuff?
Normally that isn’t even thought of. It just happens on TV, movies or in mags, so it has to be real…right?
To try and be at that level of performance and perfection is not godly. We are to trust in him, in his power, his strength and his wisdom…not our own and certainly not the emotional porn that has surrounded us.
.-= Eldon Kelley´s last blog ..2 Little Nuggets =-.
Interesting article! Great thoughts to ponder!
.-= Kevin M.´s last blog ..Favourite Links Friday 5/14/10 =-.
Love how you get us to think . H
Isn’t that where our Plan A’s come from?
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..Jude and Other Dudes =-.
Nice one Tony. That’s called cross promotion.
Hopefully we can create some CROSS promotion.
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..Jude and Other Dudes =-.
I’d never thought about this, but I do believe we all have the crazy expectations that are totally unrealistic. I can’t waitto read his entire article.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..My Life Is A Mess Right Now =-.
So interesting that you’re talking about this today. Two days ago, I wrote on my list of blog post ideas “romance novels are porn, too.” Because those romantic fairy tales, whether they’re written by Disney or Danielle Steele or Nora Ephron, are FALSE. And they certainly set ME up for failure. And my husband. Because how could he possible live up to the ideals of a fairy tale? He couldn’t, I couldn’t, and so we struggled for a very long time.
.-= Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect´s last blog ..A mish-mash . . . not to be confused with a mash-up. =-.
There is a certain truth to this. Any time a woman or man say, or even think, “I wish I could find a guy/ woman like that” (and who hasn’t thought that about Mr. Darcy, or Laurie, or Gilbert?), We are buying into a dangerous ideal of romance and marriage that just does not exist. Just as Woman do not want to be compared to a porn star, guys don’t want to be compared to Mr. Darcy. Movies and theatre can fuel a belief in “the one” an obsession that celebrates the will of the heart, which is deceitful above all things and disregards the qualities that will push a relationship through difficult times.
But chick flicks can be more than single-woman clichés and “emotional porn,” if we watch them well. The most popular, watch chick flicks deal with much more than romance they are about the relationships women have with their families, friends, and, yes, men, and the way those relationships are affected when something upsets the balance. This is something we can relate too.
Art is not only a window but also a magnifying glass that focuses our attention on everyday reality in a way that makes us see everyday reality for what it really is: magnificence and curiosity. By engaging with characters who may fall into the same traps as me, I can learn more about my own situation and hopefully, with the help of some biblical guidance, emerge as a stronger person and Christian.
Seriously?!!! I grew up watching “The Brady Bunch,” but I realized it was made up, and that most families had a few more squabbles and a few less ultra-cute, ultra-popular kids than Greg and Marcia Brady. It didn’t make me hate my own life or wonder what was wrong with me.
Similarly, I like romantic comedies and romance novels, but I realize they are fiction. Life CAN be like that, but I think I would have to be crazy to think life was never going to hold hardships or my relationships were going to be magically easy all the time.
I’ve been married for 26 years now. I knew it was going to be a work in progress when I signed on, but I expected to be in it to win it, and that’s the bottom line.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t buy into this author’s main premise. If people engage their brains, they will be able to enjoy works of fiction without letting those fictional stories create crazy expectations that ruin their own lives and relationships. I think he needs to give the average joe a little more credit!
I have observed this since college. I definitely made a conscious decision to give up watching “A Wedding Story” on TLC because of it.
Honestly I think it’s different for men and women. I did expect guys to act like the actors in my favorite movies and the lyrics of my favorite songs said guys act. I gave up everything to find that feeling and was too quick to look for a feeling and too slow to find a quality man. I try to control what I watch on tv and decided I am no longer going to watch the bachelor because it sets up unrealistic ideas to me. I don’t listen to secular music because putting thoughts in my head make me think about them and since I am in my car so much I don’t want to think of those things all day.
I also think that TV, music and movies make sex seem so easy and no strings. Unless told otherwise a lot of teenagers/young adults feel like if they can make it that easy on tv it should be that easy in life. It’s hard to have viewpoints against what you have pushed into your brain 24/7.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Nashville Flood 2010 =-.
Been saying this for a few years now, just never coined the term – emotional pornography. When my son was 4 years old, I was aggravated at how many times I’d have to answer him: It’s just a movie. It’s just a TV show. No, ET is not real.
After leaving the movie, Phenomenom with John Travolta, I lamented to God: why, WHY can’t it be like that, Lord? And he replied: Cheryl, IT’S JUST A MOVIE!!
Oh, oh yeah God. I stopped watching soap operas and any sort of unrealistic gossipy, soapy movies or shows. Had to build up my immunity.
I check them out now and then, but I don’t get sucked in anymore! I have REAL love in my life with my husband of 20 years.
.-= CFloyd´s last blog ..Fruitless is Pointless =-.
i’ve been thinking, and one difference may be that “traditional” pornography makes women into object, where girl movies tend to glorify situations. traditional pornography does a “better” job of ignoring the humanity of other individuals, while romance novels tend to set up an ideal man or relationship, without necessarily making those men involved into tools of pleasure.
now that i’m thinking along these lines, gossip seems to be another form of “pornography.” objectifying and using for your own pleasure a situation or happening concerning others. those who gossip tend to disregard the humanity of others, instead enjoying them only for the pleasures received by talking about them. just a thought.
.-= JamesBrett´s last blog ..mission to geita =-.
I think we’re not considering it and I’ll go so far as to say it is worse in the Christian world sometimes.
Yeah, Hollywood’s promotion of the non-existent dream romance is irritating, but there is so much emphasis in Christian circles on waiting for the right man and how amazing that will be, with total stereotypes of gender roles, etc….(take a look at any saccharine Christian romance.) Well, it is amazing…but he’s still human, and she’s still human, and neither of you have ESP. And she’s still human too.
We don’t. We work on the outside and make it all polished up and forget about dealing with the inside that-when left alone will come out eventually. Now, I’m a girl and I love a good nice romanctic story. However, I do not read secular romance novels. I also am very careful what movies and tv shows I do watch. Honestly, most of those things will mess any single person’s (and married person’s) mind up when it comes to true God-given, God-blessed romance. And no guy is going to fit the mold that the world says he should. Sorry. Just as no girl is either. Besides, let’s face it…most porno-ish romance novels out there (you don’t have to read the book to know it is one-just look at the cover!!!) They are written by (mostly) WOMEN who once had those Disney fairy tale happily ever after dreams and well…continue the tradition on. Ok, I’m off my soap box now. Thanks! Nice post!!!
.-= Malory H´s last blog ..Holy Whispers =-.
This whole topic gets me kind of anoyed – mostly because I do see healthy relationships that have romance intertwined within them. This article talks about throwing the baby out with the bath water. Stasi and John Elderidge’s book Captivating talks a lot about women who get burned with their normal, natural desires and form hollow realtionships where “I’m not good enough or I’m too much” is always on their hearts because they are told over and over again that romance isn’t real. I definatly wouldn’t call it emotional pornography, there are extreams and taking romance in movies as real is the same as taking fighting in action movies as real. Balance is important and the writer of this article only focuses on one extreme, lables it and I think that can be harmful.
What a great thought provoking article…so much so, I have had to blog about it…my question was: as the church – have we made this worse by promoting a (probably unhealthy) romantic view of Jesus? Controversial – but I thought it worth asking at least: http://www.mattedmundson.com/2010/05/emotional-pornography/
.-= Matt Edmundson´s last blog ..Talking with Chris Gibaud about Mentoring and the Business Forum =-.
years ago, you did a sermon and mentioned something about “soul mates”… sort of breaking it down, talking about unrealistic expectations of someone who’s at best, only human.
If a woman doesn’t let her knight get off the white horse, she’ll never know who he really is.
I absolutely agree with the premise of this article. I not only see the turmoil and heartache in society as a whole but am living through it as a nightmare with my 17 year old son who is dating an 18 year old girl from two broken families. She has learned to play the victim to gain attention and unfortunately my son missed my warnings early on that it would not be healthy for him to be her knight in shining armor. The heartbreak in all of this is that he has all but abandoned us – his family – in pursuit of what he perceives to be real life and real love. I thought I was being intentional with preparing my kids but must have missed the mark somewhere with my son and all of this is breaking my wife’s heart. He is the 2nd of 6 kids and you can bet I’ll be even more intentional with the younger four.
When Mike Breaux was on staff at Willow Creek he did a four-part message series entitled “Identity Theft” and the first one addresses this issue of the false expectation that another person can “complete” you. Excellent resource!
Thanks Pete!
Blessings,
Rick
If I understand the writer of Emotional Pornography, he believes that romantic situations in literature and movies deceive, rather than bring forth truth. Perhaps he thinks that the premise of the hero/prince is a lie in our culture today, and sets up unrealistic expectations in young ladies and married women, making them discontent with the manner of men around them. I hope that he is wrong. I believe Christians should be the most romantic people on the earth. To me the essence of romance is selflessness combined with service to another. My LORD romanced me into His kingdom and I gratefully kneel before my Adonai. Is it not my duty to imitate His actions and rejoice when I see it duplicated? When I read or see a romantic situation that is set in purity, my faith is built, my hope renewed. I believe again that love is the victor. No one admires Mr. Darcy when he is filled with pride and prejudice, it is only when he acts in selflessness, giving service to the heroine that he becomes the hero.
Shakespeare said comparisons are odious, and I agree, so I don’t fret that my husband may not be Mr. Darcy, or any classic literary hero, of which I can recognize the bulk. I rather keep in mind that yesterday, my husband said a kind word to me, on Mother’s Day, he brought me flowers. I believe it’s my duty to see him as the prince/hero of my home, and I desire to do this. Having said that, I believe it’s my duty to be his princess. I am a not quite 40, over weight, mother of 4. Hardly the picture of what you might call a princess, but today I will fold my prince’s laundry, sweep his floor, and cook his dinner, and remember that for over 20 years he has provided for and protected me. He didn’t have to do it, but just like my Jesus, He did. And for me – that is romance, not emotional pornography.
The romanticized view of love and relationships is natural (little girls have been dreaming about Prince Charming and their wedding day for centuries). However, it is all about expectations. Whereas, visual pornography carries a greater personal impact upon the individual’s mind and soul (as well as skewing the expectations of physical intimacy), “emotional pornography” sets the person up with an unrealistic expectation of love and romance. I have a friend who has struggled for years with relationships, partly because of his media-induced expectations of what love and relationships are all about.
You make a great point in highlighting this phenomenon.
.-= Randy Kinnick´s last blog ..Intensity =-.
i have been thinking about this since it was posted. i do agree that girls are made to believe in the fairy tale ending, the friend will fall in love with you, you will meet and know instantly etc. one reason i really liked 500 days of summer. hopefully as you grow up and spend time with yourself and God you realize in the waiting time what you are looking for and that life is not a fairy tale, it is full of hard times and pain, that relationships require work and effort. recently i saw The Village and a scene really stuck with me. He comes out of nowhere and grabs her hand, she has been waiting for him. So i am waiting for a hand to hold, not one to pull me onto a carriage or stroll off into the sunset with. i am waiting for a hand to hold when we pray, after we drop our child off for his first day of school, for comfort during times of grief, and whatever else life may throw our way. knowing that in the waiting I am becoming a stronger person.
Right after we were married, my husband went on a men’s retreat. He came home with John Piper’s “Sex and the Supremacy of Christ.” One chapter discussed how romance novels are to women as porn is to men. After much conversation, I came to agree with John (and my husband). While I used to bring home from the library stacks of cheesy romances–only the ones labeled “Inspirational”–I no longer do so. I still enjoy reading, and realize that most fiction has some element of romance in it. However, in an act of submission to my husband and to my God, I choose to skip those books that are purely “emotional porn.” I’ve found a joy in marriage that I wouldn’t know if I hadn’t stopped filling my mind with unrealistic ideas.