A Need To Be Right
The past few weeks I’ve been trying to really pay attention to my verbal conversations with others. I’ve noticed a trend in my conversations that is down right annoying and ultimately destructive. I first noticed it in my conversations with Brandi but quickly discovered it was popping up in other places as well.
My discovery?
I feel a need to defend my opinions and always be right.
It’s damaged my wife…
Shut down my co-workers…
And crushed healthy debate and differing opinions around me.
So now I’m asking what is it that makes me think I’m usually right and others are usually wrong. Why do I find it so important to defend my opinions and my point of view? Not a lot of answers yet, but I clearly have some work to do.
While I desire to lead, love, and parent with humility and approachability my desire to be “right” can make me come across as arrogant and self righteous. It’s also a huge barrier to me empowering the people I work with and developing a culture of creativity.
Is being right worth the price?
I don’t think so.
The sin of pride is behind my desire to always be right.
And I dare you to prove me wrong on this one!
Humility challenged,
Dave
.-= Dave Wilson´s last blog ..Awake and Alive — music video by Skillet =-.
I usually like to ask myself, “Are there more important things in this situation than being right?” If the answer is yes, then I let Jesus be my defense attorney (He’s a good one!)
“The man who defends himself has himself as a defense” – A.W. Tozer
.-= Lee Bezotte´s last blog ..The Greatest =-.
Hey Lee,
I don’t usually reply to comments on someone else’s blog, but I liked your Tozer quote. It reminds me of the saying “He who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.”
I’m often proved foolish when trying to defend myself. I can present an opinion like it’s some kind of scientific fact.
Lord, help me to desire to hear the opinions of others, rather than championing my own!
Dave
.-= Dave Wilson´s last blog ..Awake and Alive — music video by Skillet =-.
Thanks Dave!
.-= Lee Bezotte´s last blog ..The Greatest =-.
It is not easy to admit to being wrong. We feel rejected or hurt when our errors are pointed out.
Definitely a pride issue, but I think too that it is an esteem issue.
We are not perfect people, but we serve a perfect God. Our value is not in our correctness, it is only in who our God is within us.
I will be praying for you Pete. I ask that you would pray also for me as I struggle with the same issues.
.-= Dusty Rayburn´s last blog ..Becoming One =-.
Good stuff. When do we need to balance and err more on the side of grace than truth?
.-= John Alexander´s last blog ..When You Believe in God But Don’t Really Know Him =-.
That’s a million dollar question!
There is a personality part in all of us that requires justice and filters life through a right/wrong grid. That part is more prominent in some and even more in churches. Our church (and Men’s Fraternity) uses a personality profiling system called Your Unique Design (www.youruniquedesign.com) that can help you understand more about this and the 5 other parts of your personality.
When analyzing the personality data for our church body, almost 75% are high-justice people. All that to say, it could be part of your design, but the trick is to bring balance and use the healthy aspects of this part of your personality.
Here’s an insight – if you are a high-justice person, the need you feel to be right is typically a response brought on by fear. You might be afraid of what will happen if the other person does or has it wrong. I can see this come up easily in parenting for sure.
The antidote for fear is faith. We CAN release the well-being of others into the hands of God and recognize being fearful is a faith issue.
I happen to know a little bit about this because I have struggled with this in the past and it can be overcome. I’ll be praying that God gives you the faith and insight and then the courage to release your need to be right at the expense of relationships.
Good post Pete – thanks for sharing.
.-= Steve Manatt´s last blog ..The Subtle Self =-.
Tricky for sure. On one side, if you’re going to make any decisions, you have to think you’re right. That’s what making a decision is.
On the other side, it’s impossible to learn from anyone if we always think they’re wrong if they don’t agree with us.
When you find you’re always right, it’s time to pause and reflect because it means you’re stagnate… and that’s the worst place to be as a leader, at least it is for me.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
.-= bondChristian´s last blog ..What you need to know about asking people what they want =-.
This is a character flaw of mine that I’m always trying to work on. Here’s a couple interesting articles on the subject.
http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/beingright.htm
http://www.hodu.com/right.shtml
Thanks Aaron!
Pete – Thanks for being so honest. The more I read of your blog, the more I think you and I have in common! I really struggle with wanting to prove myself right all the time, especially when I tend to have minority opinions on politics and theology – given my location in a small, Southern town.
Once I tried an “opinion fast” for a week. It was really hard, but the main thing I learned was that my need to express and defend my opinions was a control issue, that I had a hard time embracing the fact that some people are going to think differently than me and that some people are even going to form ill-founded opinions about things that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. The fast forced me to give up that need to control. I can’t control what other people think, and no amount of arguing or persuading will convince others that I’m right about something.
Besides, being right isn’t really the point anyway. The point is to be like Jesus. He could have spent all day setting everyone straight, but he didn’t.
Like you said, always trying to prove your ideas can have a negative effect on relationships. When I find myself spouting off, I have to remind myself – “I’d rather be happy than be right.” It’s more important to have healthy, happy relationships with others, myself, and with God than it is to be right.
But that’s a hard lesson to learn.
Again, thanks so much for sharing so honestly. I’ve never encountered a pastor so willing to share his own struggles and humanity.
.-= Rachel H. Evans´s last blog ..Ask your writing/ publishing questions =-.
The need to be right is at first great, like you have accomplished something. But down the road you realize that the momentary victory that you gained is not worth the price that it cost.
The hardest thing in the world is letting someone think they are right when you know they are wrong. But who wants to be that guy or girl that is always right. Seems to be kind of dangerous to have to always be right.
.-= Kyle Reed´s last blog ..Why I Wish I Worked For a Book Publisher or Magazine Publisher =-.
“The hardest thing in the world is letting someone think they are right when you know they are wrong.” – YEP!!
Kyle is spot on.
.-= Michael´s last blog ..God Can Make You Into A Peanut Butter and Syrup Sandwich =-.
I think growing up in a house of journalists and having a journalism degree myself, has blessed me with an open ear and mind – oh and the ability to ask a million questions. I love hearing other people’s opinions and views on topics, I never know what I could walk away learning.
However, it is extremely frustrating when you encounter people who don’t or won’t let certain subjects go – or even be willing to simply listen to what you have to say. I have several friends that I only keep conversations on the surface bc I know that diving in deeper could mean a waste of time or hurt feelings.
.-= ashleynashville3´s last blog ..Shattered Dreams =-.
This is a sign of good leadership, Pete. Keep it up.
.-= Ken Eastburn´s last blog ..Glenn Beck, Social Justice, and the Gospel =-.
I am convicted of this every time I read Philippians 2. It says there My attitude would be the same as Jesus who “made himself nothing”
If Jesus’ goal was to make himself nothing…why am I consumed with making myself something?
I don’t remember when I started thinking like this! Young. Nothing I achieved was ever good enough for even a little praise from my parents. I think that led to having to speak up for myself in order to prove I had actually done said achievement. That carried over into adult life.
Then I became an addict. In my mid-40′s. In the 1002 days I have been clean I recognize this selfishness as a character defect. I have learned to stand on my own 2 feet. I have learned I don’t have to be the center of attention. My life is a team effort, to a degree. God, me, and the people around me. I must remain teachable. And accept my shortcomings. And turn those shortcomings into something positive. I don’t have to rule. Thank goodness! Because it took so much energy to always “be right”. And I think I am happier than I’ve ever been.
this one stings ’cause i know that I am horrible at this…. I love what shellie said about being a kid and wanting to get recognized…. the reality is, I wonder if people even listen so sometimes I saw it twice, how silly is that?
on another note. I need the PLAN B book and now. In 10 days… hubby broke his leg and dislocated ankle, my job was eliminated w/ the government and my son was in his first car wreck 100 miles from home. I am thinking that I need to be real close to my Father or else
when is that book coming out?????
Hey Kristi. I’m so sorry. Book will be out in a few weeks. They’re giving 500 copies away today on http://www.booksneeze.com if you want to go there and try to grab one early.
For me, when I do that it is about insecurity. I am not secure enough in myself to let other people disagree without feeling like they are making a judgement about me; my intelligence, my thought process, etc…
I often think of Dr. Phil and his question “Do you want to be right or do you want relationship?”
That will preach Hope!
I am recognizing that pride is a bigger factor in my life than I thought. God is working hard on me on this right now.
Thanks for sharing Pete!
.-= Kevin M.´s last blog ..Do you struggle to ask others for help? =-.
on one hand, if i have an opinion, it’s because i think it’s right. why bother having an opinion you think is wrong? one of my pet peeves is when someone says in a disagreement, “you’re just saying that because it’s what you think.” uhm… yeah. and i think it because i weighed out some choices and decided this was the best one. why are you arguing your side? did you draw straws for opinions?
on the other hand, i’m not very concerned at all with being right. i’m concerned with others knowing that i’m right. if it’s being right we desire, an argument is not required. i want people to perceive me as intelligent. but more than that i think i have trouble separating my worth from what others think about my thought process.
do you guys think i’m right? or at least understand where i’m coming from, and view it as valid? someone validate me…
.-= JamesBrett´s last blog ..you might be a missionary in africa if… =-.
“You can either practice being right or practice being kind.” Anne Lamott I have to remind myself of this all the time.
.-= Marty´s last blog ..Speaking of Sin =-.
I have a friend whom I once asked, “Would you rather be right or be happy?” Her reply? “Is there a difference?”
Sigh…
.-= katdish´s last blog ..Observations from the Carpool Lane =-.
Have you been reading my mind? One of the biggest problems I have faced in the ministry is this very thing Pete. But what is worse is the justification that comes when I feel I am right or when someone points out my “arrogance of rightness.” I fought too many battles and wounded too many warriors-more than I care to think about-in my quest for being right. “God, forgive me for all those wounded souls.”
.-= Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Levi & Going Through the Motions =-.
Great insight Pete. I think this is something all leaders struggle with. Our ideas are part of what makes us leaders, but what keeps us leaders is the humility to understand that our ideas aren’t always the best.
My dad told me growing up that most arguments “aren’t about what’s right, but about who gets to be right”. I’ve tried to use that as a grid in my leadership & relationships. Am I fighting for what’s right or to be right?
.-= Matt Bowman´s last blog ..Spiritually Stunted Babies-Part 4 =-.
In all my relationships I find it absolutely necessary to be able to say, “I could be wrong and I don’t have to be right” though very difficult to say.
.-= Gary Reed´s last blog ..Living your Story? =-.
I can’t remember where I read this (wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out I’d read it here?), but some great leader or titan of industry whose name is now eluding me wrote that his favorite thing to do during a discussion is to say, “show me where I’m wrong here.” He sincerely means it and listens with an open mind when people respond to him. Apparently that phrase opens things up to a whole new creative level of discussion and makes those around him feel free to share their ideas.
my thoughts on always being right – http://media.yacalvarytabindy.org/podcast/20090812_I_Always_Gotta_Be_Right_Brad_Titus.m4a
We talk a lot at our church about being able to admit when we are wrong. The challenge we are given is to admit being wrong without following it with a but. I was wrong, but ..
Not saying but is a lot harder than people realize.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..A Snack and A Nap =-.
Is it at all possible that our definitions of “right” and “wrong” need to be enlarged?
Very possible.
You sure you are right about this?
.-= Lindsey Nobles´s last blog ..That’s Right (You’re Not from Texas) =-.
Wow Pete…I would never have really suspected this from what I hear about you from staff and friends. I struggle with this a lot in my own life and have all my life. I’ll be looking forward to any pearls of wisdom you discover as you work on this.
.-= Jason´s last blog ..Song Lyric Week Day 4: Kendall Payne "Closer To Myself" =-.
Well it’s much more evident at home than at work. I have a way of being able to hold my tongue a little better at my work.
Again, the result of behavioral modification and not real transformation.
wow… reading through the comments and hit this one you replied to. This describes me. After my last relationship ended, I was in such despair because I know a lot of it was because of my desire to be right. My friends kept trying to tell me that I was such an “amazing woman of God” and that “I show Christ’s redemptive love” and there’s “no way the break up with my fault”.. and I had to sit down and tell them no.. I’m not who you think I am! I need God’s grace SO MUCH…. and His healing!
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..Lord I’m tired So tired from walking And Lord I’m so… =-.
My sin of pride and impatience has pushed me to despair. I am praying so much that God will change my heart and heal me of it, because otherwise I don’t want to subject others to how arrogant I can be about my opinion. I get scared that God won’t change me.
I even wrote a blog post about it…
http://dontcloseureyes.tumblr.com/post/490080994/day-112-a-retake
Right there. I guess we can all use prayer in this area.
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..Lord I’m tired So tired from walking And Lord I’m so… =-.
So true. Awesome! What a great perspective.
I can see this in my own life…
.-= Becky´s last blog ..New Picture =-.
Pete,
I’ve got the same disease! And, though I think a lot of it is based in pride…some of it is how you and I are wired. There would be no healthy debate if you didn’t think you were right on some occasions…you would just fold as soon as someone questioned you. Your check is not with your desire to be right but you love for the person you are debating with. Do you value their opinion? Do you really think they might have something to add? Somewhere in this point a good healthy debate turns into an argument. Just my thoughts….what do you think?
Shef
.-= Tom Shefchunas´s last blog ..50 Posts In =-.
Yes.Yes.Yes. It’s the American (and Christian) way to be absolutely convinced that we are right. As you say, it “shuts down” our opportunity to have meaningful dialogue. An Irishman once candidly told me on a bus ride in Northern England, when I was desperately trying to be right in a political discussion, that “you Americans suck at dialogue” and he was correct. It is our incessant passion to get in the last word and be right. Oh my. Right? Right!
Thanks, Pete.
.-= Randy Elrod´s last blog ..Letters From A Devastated Artist (10) =-.
Oh yeah…been shut down by that before. I find myself in a conversation with someone who always has to be right, “This isn’t worth an argument.”
.-= Randy Kinnick´s last blog ..Keeping My Judgmental Heart at Bay =-.
I’m just now getting a chance to read this, so I’m not sure if someone commenting above me has already stated something similar or not, but here’s my two cents.
I think a lot of times we struggle with the “need to be right” out or a fear of being wrong, which pretty much equals pride. I know I can struggle with that.
I believe a lot of that mentality is developed in formative years when we saw kids, peers, classmates and later co-workers, treated or looked at differently because they were “wrong”. The kid who was right got a gold star while the one who was wrong got nothing and was sometimes made to feel of less worth than one who was right. So somewhere we register that being “right” adds value while being “wrong” devalues… and I’m not going to let anyone “devalue” me, so I’ll be RIGHT!
Then we grow up, or “age” I should say, and carry that crap into real world relationships. Now, instead of gold stars, there are positions, image, perception, rank and ego at risk. Pride, pride, pride.
Maybe I’m wrong there, but… I don’t think so. haha!
.-= Grant Jenkins´s last blog ..Vicky Beeching “Eternity Invades” CD Giveaway =-.
Can I hear an AMEN?! You are not alone because I find myself like that too. I am okay with differences of opinion and I don’t change what other people think. Yet, I always feel that my opinion has to be more right if that makes sense? Almost as if it has to be heard more! I really hate it and I do work on trying to say my opinion and then button it
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Audrey’s Story. =-.
Maybe you ARE right!
Just kidding. You’re not.
Seriously, who doesn’t have this problem? I deceive myself into thinking I’m not doing this by saying, “I’m sorry I said that, but the reason I said that is…” which is translated as “I’m sorry my being right continues to upset you.”
Reading ur other blog post about multi-tasking was like a punch in the gut for me.
This post is like an uppercut followed by a jab.
Thanks a lot.=P
Btw…I won a copy of ur book today! (Over @ refineus) yey! Cant wait to read it!
Props to you for recognizing that in your demeanor. I think there is a little bit of that in everyone. I used to be that way, I’m a bit better now. I started nagging horribly at my husband, and the nagging turned into arguing. And naturally, you want to be right in an argument. But it just wasn’t worth hurting my husband or our relationship. So I asked God to help me not to nag so much- I’m a work in progress.
Pete, thanks for this. My wife called me out on this last Friday (yes on Good Friday) and it has been a struggle for me in the past year – less so with colleagues, more so with family. Interesting that it seems to come out with family more than in any other environment. Praying that God will continue to change me here, and that He will do the same for you. Thanks for your honesty and openness.
.-= Andy´s last blog ..The Foundation =-.
Communications seems to be always a touchy subject one should handle with care… We had a similar discussion yesterday with the Church board… so often due to different personalities, different backgrounds, or something, we manage to completely misinterpret the message… even when the person gives up or agrees with us, we still have the urge to prove our point to them…
i wouldn’t say that being right is never worth the price (after all, Jesus wouldn’t die on the cross if he agreed with the pharisees… He did go great lengths to prove His point), but i guess something that we should remember is that 1. we’re not always right, and 2. not to try to prove our point when the person has capitulated, otherwise we will only end up hurting the relationship.
whoops, sorry for rambling
Zee
.-= Zee´s last blog ..[Ursa Major and God's Word] =-.
Wow, I haven’t been on here in a while, but it is interesting. I was having a conversation with my wife about this exact topic. I know I have hurt her in the past with “being right” but at the same time she told me she admires that about me, that I don’t back down from something I believe in.
I think someone said something about “being right” versus “being kind”. I think that is a false analogy. You can be gentle/kind and still be right.
I like to argue – it hones your thinking and shows where you’re deficit, or haven’t considered something and vice versa. Iron sharpens Iron, one man sharpens another. This is through debate (I think). It’s not easy, and burrs get shaved off in the process but you’re thinking becomes more clear and focused.
For example, I’m in a constant “discussion” with another Christian (via Facebook) who is a republican (as am I) and loves this nation and his guns and his truck. (I’m in the south). But his posts are about rising up, bashing Obama, bashing democrats and other hateful things.
So, we go back and forth, back and forth.
I think maybe I’m a “right fighter” when I believe it’s important to be, but to do it gently.
I’m reminded of Elihu in Job when he speaks. That his spirit welled up within him (paraphrasing) and he couldn’t be quiet, and he was….right.
There can only be 1 truth – always. Neither of us may have it, and we may be equally close to it (thus equally far away from it), but ultimately in any conflict of reason, there can only be 1 truth I think.
Though, maybe I am mistaken because I am reminded of Paul who says that for one it is sin, and for another it is not (weak faith vs. strong faith in eating food sacrificed to idols). I guess the truth there is that if you feel guilty about it then it is a sin for you but not for me since I don’t feel guilty about it.
Sorry, began rambling there I guess.
What if you really ARE right? I mean obviously right. I suppose it’s a character flaw of mine…I’ve always been outspoken, to a fault. People don’t want to hear “Wow, really man? That’s what you’ve come up with?” Some of it is the Army in me, I should probably pray about it.