Majority of Pastors Have NO Friends
I was reading THIS article the other night and it had a startling quote in there from H.B. London, head of pastoral ministries for Focus on the Family. He disclosed that “at least 70 percent of pastors in the United States claim they have no friends.”
This stat is absolutely heartbreaking and unacceptable to me. No wonder most pastors don’t make it in ministry long. So why don’t they develop friends?
There’s tons of reason but here’s a few that come to my mind.
1) False Expectations: Many want their pastor to be friendly to everyone but close to no one!
2) False Assumptions: Many pastors have been told “You can’t EVER, EVER, trust people because they’ll use things you share with them against you one day.” (Side Note: Didn’t seem to stop Jesus.)
3) False Accusations: Many pastors will be criticized if they have close friends. If a normal person has close friends we call it healthy. If a pastor has close friends we call it a “clique.”
Pastors, don’t fall for it. You’ve been created for deep connectedness like everyone else. Develop and cultivate your close friendships (and encourage your wife to do the same). You’ll need them. Every single one of them!
62 Comments:
Makes me wonder if the same is true of people in music ministry. Great topic to ponder. Thanks for your insight and encouragement, Pete!
Rob´s last blog ..I WANTED TO PUNCH A KID IN THE FACE
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pete wilson Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
I would think it’s most areas of ministry.
pete wilson´s last blog ..What Is It With The Oscars?
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Rob
6:23 am
Nice thoughts… As pastors we equally have the responsibility to “Keep It Real” and not put on the “Fake Preacher Face” so people will feel comfortable engaging in authentic friendships.
Personally, I think social media is breaking down some of this as people are able to see their pastors in 3D.
Scott Williams´s last blog ..The Leadership Season of “Do Nothing!”
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Kevin M. Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 8:04 am
Great point Scott about social media. I totally agree with you.
I used to believe the lie that a pastor can’t have any friends and it almost took me out of ministry. I have learned that I must take the “risks” and develop close friendships with people in my church. I can’t imagine doing it any differently now!
Kevin M.´s last blog ..Extreme weather pictures
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Pete Wilson Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 8:34 am
I agree Scott!
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N.A. Winter Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 9:45 am
Sometimes though, social media can raise the “false expectations” (with pastors and with everyone else). We think we are “friends” even though no one really knows us. It really depends on how the person uses the media – whether they use it to make true connections or to manage false expectations.
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Faye Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Wait. You mean, when I go to Nashville, Pete & Brandi won’t have me over to dinner and give me the grand tour? DANG! I was so counting on that!
I think this kind of thought comes from wanting to be friends because there’s something lacking in ourselves. Usually, it’s that hole that another person can’t fill.
Maybe we see pastors as celebrities?
Faye´s last blog ..Plugging back in
Scott Williams
6:25 am
Also for #3, “If a pastor has close friends it’s called playing favorites.”
Dewaine´s last blog ..Monday Morning Rewind #23
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Dewaine
6:25 am
It makes me thankful I pastor a small church where the expectations are not so unrealistic. It takes me long enough to make close friends anyway.
MattTCoNP´s last blog ..Let Me Give You a Piece of My Mind
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Brent Lacy Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 11:22 am
I have done ministry in small churches, and I have seen and experienced what Pete is talking magnified, because in a small church, everyone kinda knows everyone else’s business.
Brent Lacy´s last blog ..Everything More or Everything More+? Which is a better deal?
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MattTCoNP
6:31 am
Absolutely 100% agree Pete. I was raised (I am much older than you) in the pastoral environment that pastors should have no friends nor should they even get close to anyone. I rejected that from the beginning because of my personality not allowing it. I thrive on friends and have some here whom I love to spend time with-both on and off the bike. Great post! Side: it also speaks to those who the pastor takes into his confidence that they learn to keep trust and their mouth shut.
Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..I Think I’m Learning
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Bill (cycleguy)
6:40 am
No doubt about it.
I wonder if part of the issue is PROXIMITY. Many of us come from other places and tend to rely on the friendships (and mentorships) of our past rather than engaging in the work of making new, close friends where we land. We don’t realize how much we need friends (life line relationships) that are 5 minutes away rather than 4 states away.
Keith Ferazzi’s book ‘Who’s Got Your Back’ is a good one on this. Secular book with deep insights on this subject.
kc´s last blog ..When the Church Screws Up
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Pete Wilson Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 8:34 am
I”ll look it up Kev!
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kc
6:54 am
I know our pastor has struggled with this. I have no idea why people are so critical and unrealistic with pastors.
I can totally see why they pull away from people!
My pastor is by far the healthiest and happiest when he is surrounded by friends. Our staff is to the place where we all pretty much do life together, not just work together. If you have this kind of staff it’s the best of both worlds. We understand the kind of scrutiny one another are under better than anyone else. We have history and common experience and defend and love one another.
I am blessed to be part of a highly unusual staff of friends. Very blessed!
Lori Biddle´s last blog ..my day off
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Lori Biddle
6:58 am
I couldn’t agree more with you, Pete. This is true not only for pastors, but anyone who holds a place of high visibility and respect in the community. Without those deep relationships with others and despite having tons of people you know, the “popular” guy can be the loneliest guy in town. That makes me sad, as they are missing out on the true connectedness God wants His people to have.
Candy´s last blog ..I am so ready for spring!
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Candy
6:58 am
I would also suggest that pastors have friends who are outside their church. Look for a variety of relationships, don’t develop friendships in one sphere ie work or church.
jezamama´s last blog ..Sickness & Suffering
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jezamama
6:59 am
This makes me so sad. No friends? How lonely!
And how can they teach community when they don’t have one?
Lindsey Nobles´s last blog ..Message Received. Loud and Clear
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Lindsey Nobles
7:01 am
I was taught to guard myself originally…We have learned the hard way that we don’t have to be lonely…
Thanks…
Michael´s last blog ..Saving Documents
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Michael
7:02 am
As a senior leader this is why I constantly stand up and tell our church and promote community by sharing weakness starting with my own.
Focusing on our strengths breeds competition.
Focusing on our weakness breeds community.
Jesus didn’t spend his time with good people he spent his time with real people. When people finally get real about their problems we, the church, tend to start trying to make them good. This is when we all get messed up because we simply need to remain real.
Luther, “God doesn’t love us because we’re valuable. We’re valuable because he loves us.”
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Pastordude
7:10 am
This kills me. I don’t know what else to say besides that. Absolutely unacceptable.
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kevin
7:28 am
This makes me feel really blessed (spoiled?), because I have close friends, including ones I can tell anything to.
But I can think of one problem with your using Jesus as an example: he didn’t have any sins to confess!
I, on the other hand, have a buttload.
The pastoral burnout/turnover rate is depressing. There’s probably plenty of blame to go around, but how do we fix it?
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Faye Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Jared, I’m struggling through this. Our pastor is dealing with this even now. I think one of the best things I’ve heard was from Clayton King at Unleash last week. He shared a message he’d shared at NewSpring. When he opened it up, he said, “This is the message your pastor wishes he could share with you, but he can’t.”
The big thing is, we have to become proactive FOR our pastors. (Downside, is getting him to let you be there.) We can’t wait to react to something horrible happening. When we hear stuff being spewed about him, stop it. Literally face the person spewing it and ask them why they’re talking that stuff — of course, in love — gotta put up the boxing gloves.
More than ever, we have to become a people of integrity and passion and protect our pastors as if they were our leaders. Oh. Wait. They are! And if we want them to be real, we’ve gotta be real with them. Always.
Faye´s last blog ..Plugging back in
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Jared Wilson Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Faye, good words.
I preached from Hebrews 13 a couple of weeks ago, and our folks responded really well to v.17 which talks about submitting to leaders so their work is a joy, not a burden. Now, I have no complaints about the community I pastor; they were already doing this. But I wonder if this could be “preached” in different ways within churches, if not from the stage/pulpit, at least in the ways you’ve mentioned. Conscientious church people staying on alert for leader-burdensome tendencies.
I think leaders need to work at cultivating church communities where it’s okay to not be okay, to be honest about our failures and brokenness and most of all, our sin. But I hope it will work both ways too: church communities have to work hard to make sure it’s okay for their pastors to not be okay too.
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pete wilson Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Great question Jared. I’m afraid I don’t have the answer to this one yet. I do think it begins when we find our identity in Christ and not the opinions of the people in our church.
Finding your identity in Christ will free you up to have authentic community, speaking love and truth with balance.
I know that’s the Sunday school answer but it’s the best I got.
pete wilson´s last blog ..What Is It With The Oscars?
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Ron Edmondson Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 4:16 pm
First off, love this post. I came close to writing a post and still might if Pete won’t object too much. Pete, you may recall I have a blog site called “Hurting Pastors” that’s in the dormant stage right now and one of the reasons for that is what this post shares.
I really believe that the transparency that some of our churches are planting with is helping this problem. I have a community group and those folks become genuine friends. In addition, I’m very much vulnerable in front of our people…social media helps with that too…so they realize I’m not perfect, make mistakes, and need forgiveness just as they do. That helps with some of the walls we’ve built in the past.
Still, it’s a struggle and the clique issue is still huge, even in our church. I often have to tell Cheryl not to Twitter or Facebook about who we are meeting with for dinner, because of the criticism we have received when we do.
I will say this…however..glad guys like you understand and are my friend!!!
Ron Edmondson´s last blog ..10 Questions With Leader Scott Hodge – Orchard Church
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Jared Wilson
7:44 am
A group of us who serve as a launch team for a non traditional (whatever that means) church plant from our home church, a Mennonite Church in Central PA recently spoke about relationships and friends as we seek to build more and deeper relationships with those who don’t yet know Jesus and are seeking God knows what…connection, love, belonging…and our pastor commented that he was really envious of those of us that had so many friends outside of church. I value my friendships with each and every one of my friends, and truthfully, most of them are from outside of church. I don’t want to live inside the Christian bubble, I want to burst it,
Kathy, the Mennonite Diva
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Kathy Pride
7:57 am
I think some people believe that preachers have no life outside of church. That they wouldn’t want to go catch a movie because they have something more churchy to do. When they are with a preacher there are some that have to put on there best churchy face. I can imagine that it is hard to have a real friendship with people who can’t be real with you. That’s not the case with every preacher but I seen this before.
Rodney´s last blog ..Wednesday 9-2-09 Day Nine
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Rodney
8:04 am
Pete, this is a very true statistic. My husband was a pastor for 10 years before leaving the ministry a little over a year ago. One of the biggest contributors was the feeling of being alone, and being unable to have friends. This led to depression and finally burnout to the point where he felt he had to step down. Sadly, this IS an expectation on pastors, to be close to no one. And our case is not isolated. Many pastors we’ve known have felt the same thing.
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Kristine Pratt
8:18 am
I think another reason is compassion fatigue.
Not to put a plug out here (well I am doing that actually) but my dad just quit his job so he could continue to work on his non for profit ministry called Ministry Care. It is all about the health of pastors. He went through all of this, burnout, separation, even had to leave the church because it was to overwhelming.
After 5 years of recovery he has decided to help ministers that are struggling. He started his non for profit with the idea of being a resource and help to ministers who have no one to talk to for fear of what others might think or that they could lose their job because they are struggling.
You can check out his website: http://ministrycare.org
He is doing some cool stuff and thought that this relates to what you were talking about.
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pete wilson Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Good point Kyle.
pete wilson´s last blog ..What Is It With The Oscars?
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Kyle Reed
8:38 am
Deep breathy sigh…
I hate this. I really do. I hope the trend is changing. I’ve seen too many beaten down, bitter pastors leave the church. I wonder if they felt like they were allowed to be imperfect; to “mingle” with the congregation instead of simply leading it, how much more rewarding their ministries and their lives could have been.
katdish´s last blog ..Bob Henson’s Mission of Goodness
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katdish
9:02 am
That sucks.
Step 1 to fixing it: Become your pastor’s friend?
Danny Bixby´s last blog ..It Can Never Be Good Enough
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Danny Bixby
9:14 am
This is so sad. And part of the sadness is that friendlessness can result from following the path of least resistance. If I won’t be transparent with a few in a close, trusted circle around me, not only will I burn out, but I’ll be my own echo chamber – never allowing myself to hear the valuable input of those who would care about me if only I gave them the chance. It’s odd how loneliness can be the easiest choice. And maybe that explains London’s 70% statistic. Holding the world at bay is somehow just easier. Not healthy, not helpful, not biblical – just easier.
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Mike in Milwaukee
9:29 am
I fortunately have friends.
However, as soon as I became a pastor of a church (not a youth pastor) a lot of people I thought were my friends, showed they really were not.
So, with this post, I’m thankful today for my true friends.
Nick´s last blog ..Is It Our Responsibility?
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Nick
9:32 am
This is good! I’ve been involved in ministry my whole life and I strongly believe that the more your involved the more you need true friends surrounding you…keeping you grounded and accountable. People that will tell you the hard stuff you don’t want to hear but need to hear.
Great post Pastor!
Jennifer V.´s last blog ..Smitten
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Jennifer V.
9:40 am
Former worship pastor here and #2 is exactly what I was told by my senior pastor. He and his wife told us “You can’t trust anybody in the church. We’re all we’ve got.” He encouraged us not to make deep friendships with members in the congregation because it could “backfire on us”. So after 15 years of ministry, we left a church of over 500 in weekly attendance and we have about a dozen friends who keep in touch with us. We discovered that we didn’t have many friends at all. It was more of a professional relationship.
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Mike
9:41 am
Very good points, Pete.
I would say #2 could be “Be careful who you let in” since it is true that people bring agendas to a pastor at times to a friendship. In fact, sometimes the agenda is not good. Sometimes it truly is a jungle out there in ministry land!
Rich Kirkpatrick´s last blog ..Worship Video, Recap & Set List: March 7, 2010
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Rich Kirkpatrick
9:42 am
This post is dead on. After being on both sides of leadership, with friends and friendless, I’ve seen how lonely ministry can be until you work through this issue. I had a great friend for two years of our ministry and didn’t feel like I could tell anyone that we were friends because of these repercussions.
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Jenny Surratt
9:44 am
Friends? Who has time for friends?!
I am just asking!
Seriously, don’t judge me…
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Jess
9:44 am
I am wondering if this isn’t true because most pastors don’t or can’t (denom structure) stay put very long. It is hard to build close friendships when you are moving every two years.
Billy´s last blog ..Sunday at 6
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Billy
9:48 am
This post is all too timely for me this morning. This was my twitter from this morning: “Friendships are very peculiar. I’m not sure how I feel about them at the moment. Just saying. Dont flip out on me…I’m okay!!”
This came from me because I feel like all of the friendships in my life at this point are crumbling because of my ministry position. Your post gives me hope. thank you.
And thank you for ministering to my sister. She is a wayward soul that has found solace in your church and preaching. A million thank yous!
Nathan Gaddis´s last blog ..Go to this!
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Nathan Gaddis
9:53 am
Absolutely accurate. #3 killed me, I suppose in a good way: “If a normal person has close friends we call it healthy. If a pastor has close friends we call it a ‘clique.’ ”
I’d also add that most of a pastor’s friends are tied to his church. So if they leave that church, the friendship dies… and also it’s difficult for a pastor to share as much with someone who’s in the same church because it can seem like a conflict of interests (in other words, someone in the same church can’t always be brutally honest about the situations in the church or often don’t notice them because they’re too close to them).
Thank you for bringing this up. This has reminded me that perhaps I should stretch out to seek out pastors in other churches to befriend them.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
bondChristian´s last blog ..How I wrote a recommendation letter – what would you add?
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Faye Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Thank you for sharing this. I know someone who needs it right now.
Faye´s last blog ..Plugging back in
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bondChristian
9:53 am
I noticed that the percentage did not specify time commitments. I say this because the Methodist churches appoints pastors a new position every 3-6 years, making it hard for friendships. As well, many baptists seem to be in a revolving door, switching positions around the same time frame (although there are many exceptions). My point: It is not so much denominations as it is the fact that Americans (perhaps Westerners) do not commit to a vocational position for any length of time these days. Perhaps the lack of longevity is a causal factor of freindship (or lack thereof). Just a thought…
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pete wilson Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
No doubt that it must contribute to the problem.
pete wilson´s last blog ..What Is It With The Oscars?
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Mindy Curtis Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 7:13 am
As a PW of a United Methodist Pastor, I can verify that sometimes people do have a hard time wanting to befriend their pastors family because they know that eventally they will be moved. The UM church is getting better about leaving pastors in positions longer though…..we stayed in one place for 7 years and I know other pastors who have been in their church for as long as 20 + years.
However — I see another side of this issue. I am a people person and I find that people don’t want to befriend their pastors family. Not the other way around. I do wish that my husband & I could make lasting TRUE friendships within our church but I am finding that the folks aren’t looking to make us their friend. For many, many different reasons. Some because they are “stuck” on the previous pastor still. Some because they have the unrealistic belief that the pastors family isn’t like them – not “normal” people – or maybe because they already have established friendships and some folks just aren’t looking for more friends.
I know the reality of this lonliness and it is incredibly sad!
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Matthew
9:53 am
First of all thanks Pastor P for mentioning the wife ( I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have the support of my ministry friends AKALeadingandLovingIt girls)
. I would have to agree with everything you just said and I would add in that some of us get so “busy” doing ministry that we don’t take the time out for developing or maintaining friendships. Which in turn leads to that feeling of loneliness. We need to learn to balance life more…. in ministry or not!
DisneyCyndi´s last blog ..Smelling the Flowers
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brandiandboys Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
oh cyndi… we leading and loving it girls love you too!
brandiandboys´s last blog ..Mini Spa Night
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DisneyCyndi Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Oh….thank you Brandi.
DisneyCyndi´s last blog ..Smelling the Flowers
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DisneyCyndi
9:58 am
I watched this growing up in a huge (almost mega type) church. Very disheartening!
Becky´s last blog ..Compassion International and My Dreams
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Becky
10:04 am
amazing conversation. do we make friends professionally? like in business, people do this, but as a pastor, it’s always business. every relationships has a professional value. how do we redirect this to a healthy, meaningful, personal relationship? cause it is so true that w/o those, we will starve and fall. great post!
jason shafer´s last blog ..live like we’re dying
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jason shafer
10:24 am
Funny.. A few of my friends and local church leaders in my community have formed a group called “the Forge”. It is an “overachievers annonymous”
. The cool thing is we are all ministry leaders in different churches and share a bond and sharpen each other in a way we could not find anywhere else.
I am convinced that every one needs a “forge”. Which is essentially a community that allows authentic broken men to be .. Simply men. Without fear of judgement or gossip, in a waybthat fosters growth and spurs on good deeds.
I’m rambling now. But I agree with the post. See the need. Now let’s work on a solution
Adam´s last blog ..Dead Men: Part 1
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Adam
10:31 am
Pastor’s often seem to have a bit of a suspicious nature when it comes to being willing to let the guard down and become transparent and vulnerable. They often think they have to come across as if they have it all together or people won’t take them seriously. The truth…people may not take them seriously UNLESS they become transparent.
I also know that it is in the context of close relationships/friendships that I have really experienced the grace of God…in turn learning how to live in and extend that grace to others.
Randy Kinnick´s last blog ..A Day Like This
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Randy Kinnick
10:33 am
I was going to blog about this the other day – but I could not get the words to all come together. Anyway Pastors cannot be people who say they want community in their church and not develop community (friends) in their own life. Pastors need those connections and relationships that are discipling and being cultivated with time and love.
Nick Henderson´s last blog ..New Cultural Church
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Nick Henderson
10:38 am
I wonder if time plays a big part in it as well. Developing close friendships take time … quite a bit of it. And it is at times hard to come by.
And also the defense mechanism of keeping people at a bit of a distance after you’ve been burned. Been there done that.
I will say, our closest friends don’t live here. But we are very grateful for them!
Lori´s last blog ..Mini Spa Night
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Lori
10:40 am
This is absolutely (sadly) true. I grew up in a pastor’s home and my husband and I are pastors now. I’ve seen so many horrible things happen in relationships it’s hard not to buy in to #2 and #3. BUT, we all MUST be willing to be real and take the “risk”. It’s just not any fun (nor productive)to do life alone!
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Jenn Becker
11:11 am
This is sad. I am glad that I won’t have this problem when my wife and I move to Germany for ministry.
It is actually part of our job to cultivate relationships.
David Knapp´s last blog ..Mosaic Mercy Blogroll
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David Knapp
11:27 am
It is tough. I have been burned by having friends in the church but also have been blessed. I will never allow being burned keep me away from having relationships.
Most of my relationships that are close are with other Pastors in the area.
Jim F.´s last blog ..Duplicate
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Jim F.
12:00 pm
Really appreciated your encouragement to pastors, Pete. I’ve known a lot who really don’t have friends, whether inside or outside their congregation. I hope that some who are in that position will take your words to heart.
Aaron Armstrong´s last blog ..Book Review: Raised with Christ by Adrian Warnock
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Aaron Armstrong
1:38 pm
Here’s another side of the discussion. There is nothing like leaving a place of ministry to expose which relationships were authentic. Sadly, when the pastor or minister and the church are no longer in need of one another, the appearance of relationship dissolves & reality sets in, especially when relationships that were perceived as real & intimate are proven to be merely relationships of convenience. I’ve learned this personally.
Matt Bowman´s last blog ..10 Things About JuJu
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Mike Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
That’s exactly what we are experiencing.
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Matt Bowman
1:44 pm
I contracted with Barna research, Lifeway Research and Nationalchristianpoll.com to discover what pastors struggle with. Out of that research came my book to be released in May, 5 Ministry Killers and How to Defeat Them. Not only do we pastors go it alone with few friends, we face many more deadly, beneath-the surface ministry killers as well.
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charles stone
2:09 pm
Thanks for posting this, Pete. This was source I quoted Thursday at Unleash. Pastors are dropping like flies and I am sure Satan rejoices at each one who burns out, steps out, or drops out. BTW…I’ve made a covenant to pray for YOU every day. Know that I’ve got your back.
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pete wilson Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Dude that means the world to me. You’re the real deal Clayton.
pete wilson´s last blog ..What Is It With The Oscars?
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clayton king
2:10 pm
dont know if its been said here already, but i think pastors wives also dont have many close friends.
i know for me, and even just a worship pastors wife, its been difficult. women see me as a mean to an end. it starts off seemingly genuine, then it turns into an application submission to the worship team.
most my friends now have terrible singing voices.
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DisneyCyndi Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Tam, I will be praying for you. I recommend a great site for pastor wives and women in ministry at http://leadingandlovingit.com/ (if you are not already a part of the community).
DisneyCyndi´s last blog ..Smelling the Flowers
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tam
2:25 pm
Pete, will you be my friend?
I mean, I already pray for you and your church every day (I know selfish, my daughters and all), and I feel like we have fear of heights in common (remember hugging the peak on your roof?), and then there’s that brother thing.
Nevermind, we’re already friends…anything I can do to help?
woody
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woodyy
2:42 pm
I struggled with this ALOT. I tried to wreck the curve and declare that it would not be true for me. I made my team my best friends. I was extremely relational.
And I was still desperately lonely. Because when you’re in charge people will get upset, even your best friends. And it’s a terrible feeling to have your best friend mad at you because of a decision you had to make “at work”. It complicates relationships so badly. When I’ve worked with pastors in other countries, they all say the same thing btw.
Yet Jesus said that the world will know we belong to him by our love for one another.
Jan Owen´s last blog ..I Dare You
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Jan Owen
2:54 pm
Wow, I never thought of that. It’s so true…when a regular dude sees the pastor running around with his buddies it looks like the ‘holy in crowd’ or something. But when anyone else runs around with his buddies nobody thinks twice.
Before Cross Point I figured pastors had few close friends (maybe a couple other pastors), but not for the reasons you cite. I can see how some people would dig hanging with the pastor for periods of time but not for too long cause people might feel like they have to be on their best behavior….as if the pastor is taking notes in his ‘sin notebook’ or something.
I think people think of hanging with their pastor similarly to hanging out with their boss…they might not feel like they can just let it all go or something. But they shouldn’t feel like that. I shouldn’t feel like that.
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Bill Renfrew
3:15 pm
Could it be that with many pastors staying such short periods of time does not lend itself to friendships. As a pastor I have found many call me friend only to leave the church and friendship. Find those who love you unconditionally for who you are not what you do. They are there. I think Proverbs says, ” in order to have friends, be friendly”
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Dan
4:48 pm
I know this to be true of a previous pastor and his wife. They look at it almost as their lot to bear as a leaders in ministry to not be able to have close friends. Sadly, they do miss out on some great connections and support system. Because leaders in ministry need it more than anyone.
Rachel Rowell´s last blog ..Desperate
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Rachel Rowell
5:59 pm
So true, so very true. I have had many good pastor friends leave the ministry (or swap churches) because of these very reasons you give above (and I’m sure they could add a few).
Maybe this is why I’ve avoided full time ministry.
This is going to be “BLOG OF THE WEEK” for me (published tomorrow)
Derek´s last blog ..Smut For Smut: Porn For Bibles
[Reply]
Derek
8:04 pm
This was really good! Since taking on a roll in full time ministry and moving to a new state, it’s been a really lonely place for me man!
I really need to get out there more!
Thanks for posting this Pete!
T. Rousey´s last blog ..Famous Failures
[Reply]
T. Rousey
11:08 pm
Wow, that statistic is scary and just downright unhealthy. Like, really unhealthy!
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Michelle
2:45 am
Great point here about lack of friends and the fact hard for pastors to feel befriended!
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Gary Reed
8:48 am
I think it’s really healthy for pastors to develop relationships outside of their local church. Occasionally we (my wife and I) take part in pastoral retreats and seminars, and I’m always saddened to see that so many pastors and their wives are indeed lonely.
Henry Haney´s last blog ..The World Is Not Enough
[Reply]
Henry Haney
1:32 pm
The negative stat’s for “Pastor/Leaders” are much worse then no friends.
Hmmm? Today’s “Pastor/leader,”
is this a “Title” or “position” in the scriptures?
In the Bible, How many people… have the title pastor?
In the Bible, How many people are… referred to as pastor?
In the Bible, How many people are… ordained as a pastor?
In the Bible, How many congregations are… led by a pastor?
If “pastors/leaders” (as we see them today) are of God?
He’s not taking very good care of His Pastors; Is He?
This is info from a website helping burned out Pastors.
PastorCare offers support and encouragement for pastors and their families.
At PastorCare we care about YOU and we want to help.
http://www.pastorcare.org/PastorCare/Healing___Health.html
According to the Francis A. Schaeffer Institute of Church Leadership (2007)
• 77% say they do “not” have a good marriage.
• 71% have felt burned out or depressed.
• 70% do not have someone they consider a close friend.
• 40% report a serious conflict with a parishioner at least once a month.
• 38% are divorced or seriously considering divorce.
According to the Ministering to Ministers Foundation…
• Over 1600 pastors in the U.S. are forced out of their positions each month.
• Nearly 1 in 4 pastors experience a forced termination at least once during their ministry.
•Only 54% of pastors go back into full-time church related positions.
Think we might have a problem here?
70% of pastors are depressed or burnt out.
70% Don’t have a close friend. Hmmm?
That’s who is running the show.
“Pastors/Leaders?” 77% who say they don’t have a good marriage. Hmmm?
That’s who is “abusing” God’s sheep.
Think there might be a problem with “Pastor/Leaders?”
1600 pastors a month, that’s 19,000 a year, leave or are pushed out. Wow!!!
That’s a lot of broken hearts, disappointments, feelings of failure, pain, abuse.
That’s 1600 families a month suffering “abuse” from a “Corrupt Religious System.”
Why don’t the denominations and seminaries, who are training these “Pastors,,
tell these young wannabees, before they spend all that money for a degree,
that they are entering a very dangerous profession? “Pastor/Leader.”
Dangerous for the “Pastor/Leader” and family. Yes?
Some more statistics. This is serious business. Yes?
http://pastoralcareinc.com/WhyPastoralCare/Statistics.php
# 95% of pastors do not regularly pray with their spouses.
# 90% feel they are inadequately trained to cope with the ministry demands.
# 80% of pastors feel unqualified and discouraged as pastors.
# 80% believe pastoral ministry has negatively affected their families.
…………..Many pastor’s children do not attend church now
……………because of what the church has done to their parents.
# 70% of pastors constantly fight depression.
# 70% say they have a lower self-image now than when they first started.
# 50% feel unable to meet the demands of the job.
# 50% of the ministers starting out will not last 5 years.
# 33% state that being in the ministry is an outright hazard to their family.
Seems like the seminaries aren’t doing a very good job.
Be blessed in your search for truth… Jesus.
[Reply]
A. Amos Love
12:55 pm
Sorry for commenting so late – our computer’s been in the shop.
But I did want to share with you something a friend told me years ago. He’d just been appointed a bishop in his church. He told me that after his appointment he lost ALL his friends. Every time he went to visit one just out of friendship he could “see” them thinking “what does the Bishop want?” It bothered him a lot. And I don’t think he ever found a solution.
[Reply]
Pete. A
2:50 pm
Could it be that the Clergy/Laity separation and the institutional “church” itself is a huge part of the problem….and all these other “issues” “senior pastors” have are just symptoms????????? I don’t see this system in place in the picture we get in Scripture of the 1st century CHURCH…..oooo that’s right….I forgot…..It’s ALL Cultural….now we need to try to be “relevant” ……..
[Reply]
EROPPER
7:40 am
I would love to have a pastor friend from any country suppose the nperson speaks english.I dont care if you are female or male. Hope to hear from you.
[Reply]
Rev. Emmanuel Condua
3:21 am
This belief that pastors should not have friends is so deeply intrenched in church life. I was explicitly told as an elder in a church not to make deep friendships as people would see this as favouritism, not to share what I’m finding tough with non-leaders, and to ensure that I’m inviting lots of different people to my home, not just the same ones (ie my friends).
However, it is clear that Jesus not only had a team of disciples, but 3 close friends and one that the bible says he loved. In fact he used to lean back against him whilst eating!
Thank you for this post. Sometimes I’ve wondered if was the only one who thought this. This idea that pastors shouldn’t have friends is unbiblical and needs breaking.
[Reply]
UK Perspective
2:10 am
I don’t blame that 70% right now. It just hurts SO much when they stab you in the back.
[Reply]
M. A.
6:03 pm
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