Impression Management
This morning I read this verse…
Proverbs 25: 6 Do not exalt yourself in the king’s presence,
and do not claim a place among great men;
I believe the writer of Proverbs is referring to something we’ve all been guilty of. I call it impression management. It’s the process through which people try to control the impressions other people form of them. It’s a conscious or unconscious (but usually conscious) attempt to influence the perceptions of other people through controlling information in social interaction.
Just last week there were a couple clear examples of this is my life.
Example #1: I was talking to a group of guys about a situation that Brandi and I were facing. I included some details in the story that did not need to be included just to make myself appear like a loving husband and father.
Example #2: I was telling some friends about this great new TV show I watched the other night. I started the story by clearly stating, “We don’t watch much TV, but the other night I saw… .” Again, while this may be a fact, the only reason this statement was included was because I didn’t want them to think all I do is lay around and watch TV.
Example #3: I was talking to a buddy of mine and said…. “Hey, did I tell you about what happened to me last week? Oh no, that was #**%@ I was talking to.” Now I hate to admit this because it just seems so dark. The only reason I even brought up the name of #**%@ was so I would appear closer to him than I actually am.
Why do I work so hard to control people’s impression of me? For the same reason you do.
We want to be loved.
We want to be accepted.
We want to matter.
But here’s a little secret: people see right through this. Your impression management doesn’t really do anything but alert the other person to the fact that you are in some way uncomfortable in your own skin.
Anyone else struggle with wanting to control the impressions of those around you?
You’re right. People see through it. I know this because I see right through it. Yet I struggle with it myself. The irony is that if we stop and think about it – the people we are truly attracted to and have the greatest impression of are those who are the most transparent. I love being around someone in which I know the person I’m seeing is completely real. Flaws and all. So it begs the question, if we really want to make a lasting impression why wouldn’t we just show them our raw selves without dressing ourselves up?
GREAT question David.
Guilty! My personality is one that wants to be liked. I have struggled with this big time as a leader, often failing to say or do what needs to be said or done for fear of falling on the “unlike” side. Good thoughts pete.
.-= Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Keeping Hope Alive =-.
Good to know I’m not alone!
Yep, I struggle with this, too.
I like David’s question: “Why wouldn’t we just show them our raw selves without dressing ourselves up?” For me, the answer is: “I’m not comfortable introducing my raw self to people because I might get her name wrong.” (And that would be pretty embarassing!)
See, I’m guilty of impression management even when doing something as simple as making an introduction. Maybe it’s not that simple after all.
struggle? no, not at all…:)
thanks for this reminder, Pete!
Yeah, I am going to try to be conscious this week of when I am saying things just to control someone else’s perception of me. Having a feel it drives a lot of what I do and say.
(heck I even do it when I am writing comments)
.-= Lindsey Nobles´s last blog ..Formula for Assertive Communication =-.
Oh, I think bloggers are some of the worst about this (myself included). It’s so easy to talk about all the happy shiny things, leaving the overall impression that our whole lives are shiny and happy.
It’s so hard to reveal the “less than” things about ourselves though. There’s a lot of fear involved.
.-= Emily @ The Pilot’s Wife´s last blog ..Baby Goat =-.
I totally agree. Blogs are the perfect play ground for those of us addicted to impression management.
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Scary Storms, God Fairies & Sneaky Snakes =-.
This is why I don’t blog! I get so self-conscious that I have nothing in my life that is “blogworthy”. Even though my husband is constantly reminding me that most blogs DO only share the “good stuff”, it’s still a tough jump for this perfectionist.
We just had a conversation with our teen about making impressions. We’re constantly encouraging her to be more honest with people. She struggles (as do we!) with just being totally herself. She even made the comment that it’s “tiring” to constantly manage all of her impressions! Talk about learning from your children!
I’m new to your blog and I’m a huge fan already! Thank you!
I never do this, Pete. Never. I’m just that cool.
Great post, again!
I like that term “impression management”. What’s funny is you see it everywhere. I’ve seen it during my time in the military and while working in the tech industry. But I see it the MOST in church. What is it about Christians that make us feel like survival is dependent on impression management?
.-= John Wright´s last blog ..Day 6 – Personal Evangelism =-.
Pete, all impressions aside, this is why we all love you so much. You’re so totoally transparent. About EVERYTHING. And it helps all of us examine our own lives and weed out the crap.
And no, I’m not brown-nosing. Honest.
Well, I just told a friend recently that sometimes I consider myself a cord of three strands made up of Christ, King David, and the apostle Peter. Now that may sound like I am trying to brag or make an impression on withoutwax but that is not the case.
In this scenario, Christ will usually do the handshake and the initial greeting but not long after that David and Peter take over and it’s off to the races. Zealotry, sin, worship, adoration and denial all wrapped into one. Those two pop out so fast any hopes of a long lasting positive first impression are lost. Don’t worry I know there is an ample dose of just pure Harold flesh thrown in the mix as well.
I have long ago given up trying to change me. My best results have come from trying to, not be like be trying to, follow Christ. I can’t change one thing about me. Christ can change it all, in His timing and direction.
We all, and yes I said all, think too much of how this and that are going to effect us, of what others will or do think. What someone will think if this or that happens.
As I remember I laid down my life for Christ. I laid it down. It is His. He should be the first impression others see in all who follow Him.
.-= Harold´s last blog ..Isaias Gabriel – Making The Difference in the DR =-.
That smacked me right in the face this morning( at least I didn’t get bit) Thanks for making me think about true authenticity.
I love the dose of reality this post brings..
It’s so easy to get caught up in our sub-concious selves that we fail to truly let ourselves “be”
like u said.. The root is all about wanting acceptance and love.. Something God designed us for.
You’re so right…
Bono and I were having this same discussion just last week.
.-= katdish´s last blog ..Angela versus the Big Bad (by Billy Coffey) =-.
Ha!! You’re good!
.-= Melody´s last blog ..Uninspired. =-.
Heh..
I use example #3 all the time. In fact, you and I have a weekly underwater basket weaving class we take together.
Okay, seriously though, I’ve caught myself in mid-conversation doing this very thing. It wasn’t that long ago, someone asked me specifically if we were going to have a specific program at New Passion. In my response, I was trying to answer the guy, so #1 he would come to our church & #2 to avoid a controversial conversation. I realized I was sugarcoating it while talking, I was able to stop myself on this particular occasion, but that’s not always the case.
.-= Nick´s last blog ..Hell in Haiti =-.
Dude, that so describes my first 15 years of ministry!
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Scary Storms, God Fairies & Sneaky Snakes =-.
This is part of a bigger issue I have been wrestling with lately and that is how I’ve twisted my relationship with Christ to fit my American-ism. Although impression management is a human issue, I think that here in the USA, we worry more about this. This may take this discussion to a completely unintended place, but the hard question I am asking myself right now is – Would I be ok with being a follower of Christ without being American?
Jason…I’ve been thinking a lot along these lines recently myself. How much is my perception of following Christ impacted by the Americanization of the gospel? Even the clothes we wear are an attempt to manage the impression someone else has of us.
I want to try to completely separate my Americanism from my following of Christ.
.-= Randy Kinnick´s last blog ..To Be Alone with the New Testament =-.
I declare myself guilty =S , haha!
Living Proverbs 25:6 looks like a good challenge for the week!
.-= Jessica Olivares´s last blog ..crazyfaith: "Patient persistence pierces through indifference; gentle speech breaks down rigid defenses." Pr. 25:15 #cp31days =-.
Wishing I could always see my value and acceptance in Christ. I wonder if I started valuing and accepting those nearest and dearest, like God does, if I’d be less self absorbed, less concerned about my own image, and find freedom in the confidence that comes from being created in the image of God??? Confidently struggling
That is my love/hate relationship with social media.
It beacons me to make a false impression on someone. Leading me to maybe look important to others, but leaves me very empty inside.
YIKES, how uncomfortable for me to think about it, but I don’t just have it with other people, sometimes I hear me telling myself those things.
Pete. I don’t know you personally. But I’ve got to say, as a young seminarian and pastor, it is so REFRESHING to see someone who is transparent and honest about who they are! I admire you…Thank you for being an example in this regard!
.-= John Alexander´s last blog ..Darkness = Absence of Light =-.
I was once talking to Billy Graham about this verse and….NUTS! Did it again.
I struggle with it all the time because I have a very bad habit of making poor first impressions. Then I usually end up thinking the impression was bad and so I withdraw from people and it creates an entirely different impression. Most of the time I just don’t want people to see how empty I feel inside most days.
.-= Jason´s last blog ..31 Days in Proverbs Day 25: The company you keep =-.
Thanks for the honesty Jason!
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Scary Storms, God Fairies & Sneaky Snakes =-.
I can relate there, too, Jason. I am often second-guessing myself and my insecurities are kicking in because I am afraid I came across poorly in my impression. Instead of just being me and relying on Christ to shine through, I too often try to make an impression…working on that. Thanks, Jason AND Pete for your transparent honesty.
.-= Randy Kinnick´s last blog ..To Be Alone with the New Testament =-.
Jason,
I do this too. I try to be the funny girl all the time but then I feel as though it comes off as inappropriate and irritating. I realize that I do this subconsciously so that I’m not as hurt when people don’t want to get to know me better. I assume people already think I’m spazzy and flaky, so I continue to give them ammunition for that assumption. Then, when they don’t want to take the time to get to know me better, it’s just one less person that leaves me behind.
Pete,
I had a very rough, lonely day on Saturday. I meant it yesterday when I told you that your sermon slapped me in the face. The thing that keeps running through my mind is what you said about how if we feel lonely, then it’s really our own faults. And it’s true. But my defense is to put up a wall so that people don’t have to get to know the real me and then I’m not hurt in the end. When I am by myself, I know I’m good enough and smart enough, I just don’t like feeling as though I have to convince others of that.
But I constantly do that because I think they already think I’m stupid, so I have to prove to them that I’m not.
Such a catch 22.
.-= amanda´s last blog ..Alone in a Crowded Room =-.
oh, thank you, thank you!!!! This is so true and something that I deal with constantly. (with myself and others) I can’t deal much when others put up a front, so why do I? I try to be real most all of the time, but sometimes, that “let’s be perfect” front shows up without even thinking about it. i prayed yesterday that God would help me to be comfortable with the way he made me and not be concerned with what others think of me. So Hard!
It’s a tough balance for Christian leaders and speakers. We don’t want to be overly conscious about our “image” and yet we want to be a good representative (ambassador) for Christ. The key is the heart, don’t you think? God knows why we do what we do.
.-= Dawn Wilson´s last blog ..Choice at the Crossroads =-.
I think you’re exactly right. It’s all about the heart.
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Scary Storms, God Fairies & Sneaky Snakes =-.
Wow. That feels like I was just kicked in the stomach. I have been this way numerous times. The last instance: Someone asked me if I work out. I said “Yes, everyday at 5:00am, but I get up at 4am to read and pray.” I actually do this, but I did not want them to think that I was putting things before God. There was no reason for me to say this. Thanks for being so transparent.
Great post and wanted to say hi! I’m a lurker on your blog
– my hubby is on staff at Long Hollow, and I so enjoyed your speaking to us at our retreat – God really used you in a powerful way for us personally with some issues we were going through – you may have been there just for us. So just wanted to say thanks!
.-= Sarah Underhill´s last blog ..We’re Approved! =-.
Thank you Sarah. I’m speaking at a college retreat at your church this Saturday. I love Long Hollow!
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Scary Storms, God Fairies & Sneaky Snakes =-.
Pete – Thank you for sharing so candidly your own attempts at impression management. That was really gutsy, and I appreciate your honesty because it reminds me that I’m not alone!
At church last night I pretended to know what someone did for a living because I felt like I was supposed to know already and didn’t want to ask for fear of looking out-of-touch. I acted like I knew a lot about international travel when I’ve only been out of the country a few times. I casually dropped the phrase “when I finished my book” into a conversation…completely unnecessarily.
This was a good post. Reminded me of how much we tend to think about ourselves instead of others when we interact with them.
Maybe that girl would have liked it if I asked her what she did for a living. Clearly, I go around waiting for people to ask me!
.-= Rachel H. Evans´s last blog ..Taking a Red Pen to Life =-.
Ok, I may have to stop reading this blog! I can’t take this much honesty. JUST KIDDING!!!!! It’s very refreshing.
I was just introducing Without Wax to a friend last week and they asked what does the title mean. I loved explaining it to them and today I pointed them to this post as a perfect example. You are really living up to your name, mister.
And, yes, I stand guilty. Thank God, He loves us anyway.
.-= Cindy Graves´s last blog ..Fighting With “Why Bother”… =-.
Thanks for stepping on my toes… It hurt!! But, I needed it!
I totally get that. When will we just rest in the fact that Jesus is our identity manager? Thanks Pete.
.-= David Martin´s last blog ..Why I’m a Student Pastor: Part 1 =-.
I read your blog slot Pete and veytimr I do I feel like I was meant to do read this. It seems as if you step on my toes everytime I read this. Thanks for sharing. Yes I’m guilty of this myself.
I meant alot* and everytime*.
“We want to be loved”
I never felt this from my parents growing up. It was, and still is, something I want from them. I felt it from both sets of grandparents. I absolutely feel it from my husband. And daughter.
“We want to be accepted”
Never really felt a part of any group in high school. I was never accepted into certain cliches, just hovered on the outer rim. Included, but not accepted. I never even got asked to prom. As a junior or senior.
“We want to matter”
Always yearning to be “a part of”. What will people remember about me? Will anyone remember me, period.
As an addict in recovery, I am discovering who I really am. I accepted Christ way back, some 30 years ago. I lost my way with chronic nerve pain and narcotics. Now? I am excited for my life. Realizing God never left me. Still loves me. Still accepts me. I matter to Him. Wow. That should blow our minds!!!! No matter what. No matter what.
As much as I hate fake people – I think we’re all guilty of ‘impression management’. I’ve told people who happen to stop by “Sorry about the mess.” — when the mess is constant. And really, I’m only sorry that they’ve seen it. Sigh. I guess I need to work on this myself.
Thanks for such a simple look at this. I appreciate it.
good example!
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Scary Storms, God Fairies & Sneaky Snakes =-.
I absolutely hear you here, Pete. I’ve recently found that if there’s something we’re doing that we aren’t 100% comfortable with the Church Body knowing–if we aren’t ok with being completely transparent in our lives, then there’s a good chance we have something to hide and are in need of a good session of repentance.
That being said, watching television isn’t such a bad thing, but we all have things we are doing that we could usurp to spend more time doing God’s work.
Believe you me, I’m super guilty of this!
I would like to think that there are times that we NEED to do some form of this. Imagine if we told everybody what we were really thinking in our everyday conversations.
“Wow, pastor, that was a stimulating oration on the benefits of tithing.” When we are really thinking – (I bet his wife brushes his hair.)
“Honey that outfit looks attractive.” In our minds, (How much did that cost?)
I think there are thoughts that cross our minds unbidden just because of our fallen state. We may not act on them by actually speaking them or entertaining them but they are there none-the-less.
For you men, think about the thoughts that cross your mind when an attractive lady ‘catches’ your attention.
I bet most of us ‘christian’ men don’t tell those around us during that momentary thought that we just had an impure image cross the screen of our minds.
Ladies, you aren’t immune either. Do you ever look around to see what the other ladies are wearing and have an inner thought about how ‘you would never wear that’ or ‘wow, that makes her butt look big’ or ‘whoa, easy on the make-up Jezebel’?
I guess the point that I am trying to get across is that we control impressions not just by what we say but also by what we DON’T say.
Sometimes it may be good and sometimes it may be bad in either case.
Let’s look at some of your examples:
#1: Is it bad that you look like a loving husband and father? From my understanding of what Brandi has said on this post, you ARE a loving husband and father. So did the details that you gave have to do more with manipulating the other men’s perception of you or of the situation? Did you falsely exalt yourself or did you silently debase your wife by not including details of her love and concern as wife and mother? Don’t get me wrong – I am guilty of this just as much as the next loving husband (or wife).
#2: Not sure that this one helped or hurt your impression to either side. I am sure that you wanted them to know that you weren’t a slacker, couch potato which is good, but you also just called out every slacker, couch potato whom now either dislike you or say, “oh. maybe I shouldn’t be watching so much tv.”
#3: yeah, you pretty much suck like the rest of us on this one..
. But you are at least addressing it now. Of course, some will say that is false humility which is just another way of trying to manage an impression.
We create impressions by everything that we do and speak. Sometimes our words say a lot and sometimes our silence speaks volumes. I think the key is the motivation for which we do these anything.
Do you think that we will ever be comfortable in our own skin while we are this side of heaven? Paul almost screams the reply, “Oh wretched man that I am!!”
I do want people to love, respect, and care for me. Sometimes that means I control their impressions of myself by what I don’t say and sometimes that is accomplished by what I do say. However, I need to always question am I doing it from the love that I want to return them or because I am being selfish and want it to be all about me.
Man, I hope I am giving the ‘correct impression’ with this post.
Sometimes it is so hard to put into words the thoughts that I wish to convey.
Maybe it’s this simple… are we trying to manipulate people or give them a better understanding about us with what we do or don’t share?
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..Are you an Ichabod? =-.
Hey, I own a Land Rover… impresses people, but then again, I’m still trying to get it to start after 5 months even with a new starter…
This is one of those ugly, ugly areas of our inner world. We can either bring it into the light, flat out lie about it, or live in blind denial.
The former is our only hope in making progress.
Just a thought, but I wonder if this is rooted in FEAR and SHAME… fear of rejection, shame from knowing our struggles and failures.
What do you think?
I certainly think “fear” is the root of some of it for me.
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Scary Storms, God Fairies & Sneaky Snakes =-.
Umm… of course I want to control what people think of me. Unfortunately, it is ingrained in me to try. I really don’t like that about me and I am trying to be more aware of when I do it because I know I’m not being the ‘real’ me when I try to control the me I project to others.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..God Ideas =-.
Another thought…
…”impression management” (love that term by the way) not only comes naturally, it’s reinforced by those who influence us, i.e., parents, siblings, friends, pop-culture, etc., etc., etc.
Definitely a struggle when in business – a fine balance between validating abilities and talents without creating false or altered impression.
The irony: this is exactly what I do in business – manage “image” and messaging for companies while coaching them to stay true to what they do best for their clients.
I caught myself doing this the other day at work….then I realized I do it all the time, like once a day, on average.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Whatever, Aquarius =-.
Your post may explain something that’s been happening to me for a few years that I haven’t been able to explain. We call it, “the Jan effect” at my house. Basically The Jan Effect occurs when I am out and about, doing my normal household errands. I can come home from grocery shopping and tell you all kinds of things about the grocery cashier’s family or the Kohl’s clerk’s medical problems. Seems like I make one goofy remark and the ball is suddenly rolling. I never used to have that effect on people. In fact, in college someone I was good friends with at work told me I was the type of person who seems really uptight and takes about 6 months to get to know before you realize how funny and easy to get along with I am.
Could it be that, in situations where I know I may never see the person again, I just act like my normal doofus self, and people connect with me much more easily? When I am around people I think I will work with or see regularly, I am much stiffer, I think, and much more cautious about revealing anything that might cause them to make negative judgments about me. How crazy is it to present a facade to people you will be around all the time and then turn around and feel free to be yourself with those who probably will never figure in your life again?!!!
.-= Jan C´s last blog ..On Hiatus =-.
I have really learned a lot through reading the Proverbs daily. This post though struck me right to the heart. I struggle with anxious feelings and I wonder how much of it sometimes is from trying to control other’s impressions of me. Wow. Powerful thought for this Monday. Thank you so much for sharing!
Boy did I need this…my husband and I were just talking about this the other night (you know, after we did our devotion and held hands with our children while we prayed)
We are so concerned with what others think…so intent on making sure that they don’t think “that” about us…don’t think we are “that” kind of people…one of “those”…that we over communicate ourselves..offer explanations when they are not necessary…and ultimately make ourselves seem very insecure.
For example…McDonalds forgets to give us a cheeseburger in our order…I pull to the speaker and explain that they forgot one of our cheeseburgers…all the while wondering, “Do you think they will think I’m just saying that we were missing a burger in order to get a free one?” So by the time we get to the window, I’m armed with the entire play by play of how they got it wrong..and my receipt to PROVE that I’m not one of “those” people. We pull away and my mom is laughing at me and asking why on Earth I just felt the need to defend myself over a burger…and all I could do was think of how ridiculous I was…it’s a burger for Pete’s sake! (pun intended)
Plus, doesn’t McDonalds somewhat promote the stealing of burgers through The Hamburglar?!??!
I think so many of us struggle with this People Pleasing Syndrome…but I can’t help but wonder if it comes from the fact that we live in a culture that isn’t exactly accepting or a big fan of “keepin it real”…most of us aren’t gonna walk into church on Sundays and announce the fact that we just spent the entire way to church fighting with our spouse…and the reason being that unfortunately we don’t quite know how to handle the truth sometimes. (que Jack Nicholson) In all seriousness…there is a part of us I think that wants to be accepted warts and all…but doesn’t really want to accept our neighbor the same way. It isn’t always easy to accept that a friend at church struggles with alcohol…or that your best friend from bible study had an abortion in college… I speak for myself. This is a two way struggle for me. But it is the way Christ intended. It’s the way He loves each of us…warts and all.
Another Long Hollower,(are you impressed yet?)
Talysa
Well said, Talysa. I was thinking of the Jack quote myself when I read this post.
Do you think women struggle with this issue more than men? Or is it pretty gender neutral? And are there particular places where “people pleasing” shows up more in men than women?
One biblical example that comes to mind is when Saul (1 Sam 15) wanted Samuel to come out with him as a show to the people of IZ that he and God were “tight”, when really God had just spoken through Sam that God was not pleased with his disobedience.
I appreciate Pete’s honesty here. So many churches would not their pastor to admit fault or character flaws because of the so called perception it gives for not walking with God. I really think it”s the reverse…if your pastor is not open about his/her weaknesses (to some degree) then watch out…there’s probably something really dark in there.
.-= Richard Westley´s last blog ..Let’s put an end to Human Trafficking =-.
Dang, you guys are crawling out of the woodwork today.
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Impression Management =-.
You are not alone. It’s a struggle not to want to make myself look better and put together in front of people. My problem is I act one way to please this set of people, another way to please another set of people and then at the end of the day, I’m left wondering which one is really me?? I feel conflicted and wonder if the two can co-exist? AH It hurts my head just thinking about it.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..We can Make a Difference! =-.
Doesn’t this sound so much like high school. I guess we never outgrow it.
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Impression Management =-.
I love so much your honesty in sharing. Know that it makes an impression that matters-one that makes a difference. Thanks, Pete!
Wow story o my life. Thanks Pete
Self-branding is the hot, buzz word out in the world of who-knows-who.. It’s seems smart to do when everyone else is doing it. But, I know I lose out in the end.. because the way I want others to perceive me moves into the place where I relate to God in the same way.
http://www.faithbarista.com/2009/11/power-breakfast-with-jesus/
.-= Faith Barista | Bonnie´s last blog ..From Sand Castles To A Deeper Intuition =-.
I so adore this post.
I literally laughed when I read your example #2; ‘cuz isn’t this how we are?!
Yes I struggle with this too. It’s easy for me to fall into the I’m-never-enough-so-I-need-to-sound-good-to-instill-confidence-in-others-toward-me mindset. I’m so grateful that the truth is of course I’m not enough; but I serve a God who is more than enough and who, for reasons beyond what I can fathom, chooses to love me just as I am.
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..No one likes a serial whiner =-.
I struggle with this also. It is so easy to let things “accidentally” slip into the conversation to impress the others.
The one I hate is when I start hinting around trying to fish for a compliment.
.-= Bill Foote´s last blog ..Prayers for sale =-.
Pete…come on…who doesn’t?
Great post! Love the honesty…
.-= MichaelHolmes´s last blog ..Leading With a Towel =-.
yeah, I was always a little socially strange but learned those survival mechanisms that help you fit in, help you be accepted.
I’ve only recently found the freedom of trying out what I always knew- that God loves and accepts me, with all my quirks. The funny thing is, people seem to like me better when I’m just being wacky me.
(this is not to say that I don’t often fall back into every one of the examples you listed… but it’s just not as often cause the freedom feels so good)