Two Essential Ingredients For Healthy Relationships
As I’ve been reading through Proverbs I’ve noticed there are over 50 some odd verses that have to do with relationships. Some of them are incredibly insightful, such as the verse we read today in the 31 Day Challenge.
Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Just kidding. Just kidding. 
Amidst all the different verses there are two ingredients that become obviously essential for every relationship whether it’s with your friend, spouse, co-workers, or neighbors.
The first is TRUTH:
Proverbs 12:26 NLT The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray.
Most of us have the tendency to avoid truth telling in our relationships and if you want to do that you can, but don’t complain about your relationships being superficial because that’s exactly what they’ll be without truth. Don’t complain about your marriage being stagnant because that’s exactly what it will be without truth. Don’t complain about the small group being sterile because that’s exactly what it will be without truth.
Community without truth is artificial harmony.
The Second is GRACE:
Proverbs 19:11 NLT People with good sense restrain their anger; they earn esteem by overlooking wrongs.
For every relationship to move beyond the surface level there must be the safety only grace can provide. We need to know it’s OK to say…
I was selfish today. I was incredibly impatient. I struggled with sexual temptation. I’m envious of someone else’s life.
Community without grace leads to hiding and posturing.
I’ve also learned that everyone except Jesus (John 1:17) either leans more toward grace or truth.
So how about you? Which one is harder for you? Grace or truth?
Trace. ;^) Neither one is a cake walk.
How honest we are often depends on how much the other person (or community) has shown us grace. How gracious we are often depends on whether we believe the other person (or community) is telling the truth.
The REAL challenge is in being honest even when we suspect there will be no grace and gracious even when we suspect we’re being lied to. At least that’s my two cents at this moment.
good word!
Wow,Trace! Really good word! I printed that up and tacked it to my bulletin board.
Wow ttm: “The REAL challenge is in being honest even when we suspect there will be no grace and gracious even when we suspect we’re being lied to.”
Guess this is what “going first” is all about?
You have to put me in the crowd of those who struggle with “applying truth to my own life” and “practicing grace” towards other. Wow. Makes me sound kinda… messed up.
If I had to pick one, I would say I struggle most with grace – not with the lost, but with the found. Sometimes I want to think that they should know better. And that’s when truth kicks in and says, “you should know better too”.
Pete – why did I come here to beat myself up?
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..Elimilech’s Costly Compromise =-.
BOTH! Trace, I like that word.
Especially to my husband, I am afraid of being truthful because I either a) don’t want to hurt him (although, as I have learned in a book I am reading, I also don’t want to hurt myself), and b) I am scared of what happens next. How will he react? What will this do to our relationship? We haven’t fought lately, and I really don’t want the 30 minutes we actually get to sit down and spend together to be a fight…
Grace is hard. I know I need it, I know I am given it and I am as unworthy as the next person to receive it. There are days I think I am more unworthy then the next person! Anyway, I tend to forget that in order to be forgiven, I also have to practice forgiveness/grace towards others – my husband, my parents, my parents-in-law (who can be the hardest people to forgive at times!), and also myself.
Both of those are EXTREMELY hard for myself, for the same reasons I have named above. However, I am learning that sometimes we have to expose the truth in order to adequately receive our grace.
.-= diane´s last blog ..Two and a half years?! =-.
Diane, I find that I have the hardest time finding balance with my wife as well. My kids aren’t far behind either.
Wow, that’s just so true… I don’t want to hurt anyone I love, cause that will also hurt me. Selfish but true.
The crazy thing – I am doing a message on building relationships this Sunday. I hit a stuck point and thought I would read some blogs. I click here and BAM! God provides some fuel for the direction I was headed.
Relationships – friendships, marriages, ect. – are a lot of work but they are worth it. Grace and Truth are both needed to be healthy and I struggle with both at times.
Thanks for the help!
.-= Jim F.´s last blog ..Type of Doubt – part 1 =-.
Truth is harder for me. However, when I sit down with you and speak the truth I expect to be taken seriously, perhaps because it’s been so hard for me to make myself do. Many times I feel like the truth-telling is in vain. I felt this a bit on staff too. Sometimes we’ll do anything we can to avoid looking at the truth….
.-= Jan Owen´s last blog ..Where are you singing? =-.
I would have to agree with what Tony said. I get this “they really should know better” attitude with other Christians, not so much with their own personal struggles, but with their judgement of others. Which, I suppose is what I’m doing when I judge them for judging other. Whew! Vicious circle.
.-= katdish´s last blog ..The Katdish Dictionary – Part One =-.
I would like to say that I have “mastered” both of them, but I haven’t. I think that I lean towards the grace side. I always forgive, but sometimes when it comes time to sharing “hard” truth…I find it difficult.
Probably the best advice I ever received was from my old Pastor. He told me that I had to share truth with love/grace. I have found that before I have to share some truth with someone that if I ask my self, “Am I sharing truth with love?” it is received much better.
.-= Michael Perkins´s last blog ..Path =-.
Simply…for me its ‘truth’. (I hate having to admit that.)
Truth. I know when I am able to be truthful in a difficult situation it is a huge relief. I struggle with the need to protect and keep the peace. Protect from what I’m not sure. I hate for people to be unhappy. I’ve learned the hard way though that avoiding the truth sometimes causes greater unhappiness than if I’d just faced it head on from the beginning.
Thankfully there is grace.
.-= joyce´s last blog ..Let’s Review Shall We? =-.
You almost perfectly described ME!
I’d say it’s different in different situations.
Sometimes grace comes naturally for me…while at other times truth seems to be like a hidden pearl.
Well this makes me sound like a liar but truth is harder for me. Grace seems to come more naturally. While I strive to be truthful, it is more difficult. You can feel good when you are being gracious, but sometimes the truth hurts.
My bumper sticker definition of love is “truth + grace.” Totally jives with this post. :>)
The grace part is by far the harder for me right now.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
.-= bondChristian´s last blog ..The deadly, #1 difference between you and your pastor in church =-.
I never want to hear the truth. I think it has to do with bad relationships in my life where people where telling me “truths” that were hurtful and made me feel bad about myself.
So it’s a struggle not taking people’s honesty very personal or the wrong way.
I’d have to say truth in situations where I don’t feel it’s my place to speak truth. (If that makes sense.) For example, you mentioned a small group being stale. If I’m not the leader and the group is obviously working for the other members then I don’t feel it’s my place to speak up about it not reaching me. It would be less disruptive for all if I just find another group. Maybe I should say “hey, this isn’t working for me because…” but I always think it’s better for one to go than to upset a dozen.
.-= Jason´s last blog ..31 Days in Proverbs Day 21: Heart check =-.
Grace, I have no problem telling truth.
I am the guy that people will call to get an honest opinion. I work at speaking truth in love, but extending grace is difficult for me.
Didn’t see that one comeing Kyle. I would have thought it would be the other way.
I am working on it more and more.
I think I usually have a harder time with Grace.
(Although I just finished Son of a Preacher Man by Jay Bakker, and while I don’t agree with some of Jay’s theology these days his story really challenged me regarding Grace.)
I can set my face to the wind and dish out the hard truth in most situations, but it’s hard for me to extend Grace sometimes ’cause I think I’m too afraid of compromise. It’s borderline Pharisee-ism I’m sure.
.-= Lex´s last blog ..New Music =-.
Very true! Love your posts!
I am a truth teller. I should write a book titled, “Truth and Consequences” because living out truth in relationships can be “interesting.” I’ve learned this the hardway.
Grace, for me is difficult. Especially when you hope and dream for authentic relationships…and you can see all the ways that superficiality reigns. Difficult to love and forgive and extend mercy when your own truth gets thrown back in your face.
I was a part of a community that was the epitome of “inauthentic harmony.” Try being a truth teller in that environment. I’ve walked away from it. Now I’m praying for a bit of both truth and grace in moving forward.
Pete this is a great post. I needed to hear this today. Thank you.
.-= jessica´s last blog ..Tread Lightly =-.
well certainly it’s grace … I’m outspoken and I was born with a lot of nerve, not a lot of tact – so I guess I speak truth (maybe too often or too boldly) – need to work on how I share truth with grace & love.
Grace is tricky for me, because I didn’t know it was available to me for so long and even when I was shown it, I probably never recognized it as grace – so now, it’s something I need to be very intentional about extending to others.
Speaking truth is a huge part of who I am. I’ve learned that truth spoken WITHOUT grace is never received well. So I have to REALLY work on the grace end and learn how to keep my mouth shut with truth sometimes when there’s no grace inside me at the moment. When I’m processing my own issues, my ability to extend grace increases. When I’m not processing my own issues, well, that’s just not good news for me or anyone else.
Truth be told, I struggle with grace more. I’m a stickler for honesty and I STRIVE to show grace. But if I’m REALLY honest, I mostly show grace on the outside while holding court and judgment on the inside. God and I are working on this…
.-= Cindy Graves´s last blog ..The Sweet By and By, Sara Evans with Rachel Hauck =-.
I’m nowhere near being married. But I did like this:
Community without grace leads to hiding and posturing.
So so soooo good.
.-= Becca´s last blog ..Admission. =-.
I agree….neither one is easy! But for me, I think it starts with truth being harder because I get scared or think that the grace won’t be there when I shine through with my ugly truths.
.-= Katy´s last blog ..Salty Two Cents of God-Flavors =-.
Wow, powerful stuff here Pete. I strive to be someone who balances truth and grace, but can also see how, in the past, I have leaned more toward grace. This was not because of my understanding of grace, but more because of my intimidation to share truth, which i know is really rooted in a fear of rejection and a need to be accepted and approved. (wow, I just said that) But lately, and specifically in the last couple months, I find myself coming more to the middle and interjecting truth more than before simply because of the grace awakening I am currently experiencing in my own life and heart. I am finding the more I understand grace for myself, the easier it is to share truth wrapped in grace with the people I am in close relationship with. Thank you for posting this.
Wow, Pete, talk about a tightrope that we have to walk.
As individuals I think our level of grace rises to the level of authentic community we have with another person. We’re simply more likely to be gracious to those individuals we really know & have connected with.
As church leaders we have the awesome task of creating those environments where community can be experienced & fostered. The downside is we can’t insure that it takes root in everyone.
Very thought provoking stuff today Pete. Thanks
.-= Matt Bowman´s last blog .. =-.
I love that illustration of a tightrope. Might use that this weekend.
I think sometimes for me it is truth. I have learned to extend grace (but still need improvements) thanks to all my years spent as a teacher (and also from having taught in jail).
I admit I started off doing well on the Cross Point challenge, but have fallen down. But another verse that stuck out to me was Proverbs 3:30 – about not contending with someone when they have done you no harm. What do you do when someone else is contending with you and you really have done no harm? Can it ever get better?
Wow both Truth and Grace present their on set of challenges but for examples like the following the Truth is probably more difficult. Was Pharoah’s dauther wrong in not telling the truth about having recoverd Moses from the Nile River? Were the Wise Men wrong in not telling Herod they had seen the new born King? Just last week I had a chest x-ray which showed a tiny nodule. I had pneumonia a child and in the past x-rays have shown something, but everything turned out okay. I was faced with the deliema of telling my wife the Truth that the x-ray showed a nodule or just telling her I had an appointment with a Pulmonary doctor next week. I chose the later. I did not lie I just did not tell the complete truth. Was I wrong? I don’t know. In my heart I was not because if I had told her everything all she would have done was worry. I felt like if the doctors were really concerned they would have scheduled me for a visit earlier than 8 days. If something is really bad, then there will be plenty of time for her to be concerned and if everything is okay then I would have spared her the worry. But in the real picture I did not tell the Truth and it is with issues like this that I struggle with from time to time.
Grace is definitely harder for me. I’m an honest person (sometimes too much so) and have come to realize it is better to show my real self and be denied than to put on an act. But grace, oh now that’s a struggle for me.
.-= Tatum´s last blog ..Update =-.
The TRUTH should be in everyones lives, otherwise you are in bondage. “The truth sets you free”. For whom the Son sets free, he is free indeed. There is no Grey Line!! Now GRACE is a process and is learned by exampleship through the life of Christ. We adjust the grace and it’s implementation, according to the repetitiveness of occurrence. It’s our duty as Christians to help, encourage and corrrect those that are in need. The “main objective” is to prevent the lost of ones soul… if you lie to that person and allow them to continue, you have allowed the blood to be on your hands. Bottom line is – “you must never lie” but practice and study for your growth in giving GRACE as Christ gives us grace. God Bless
I’m gonna go with truth, Pete…final answer! When I’m in a situation where it’s either share a painful truth and possibly cause a strain in the relationship, or avoid rocking the proverbial boat, I have a terrible tendency of wanting to keep that boat on the calmest waters possible. It’s the times when the truth hurts the most when we should give it. It’s also when it could hurt us. I’m not much for confrontation, so it gets even more intimidating for me to confront someone with the truth that they need to hear but don’t want to.
Any advice on how to overcome that?
.-= Rob´s last blog ..THE LOOK OF LOVE, pt 1 =-.
I have a very difficult time telling someone truth…I will swerve around every bush I can find before I will tell you I don’t like something! Makes keeping boundaries really difficult!
Awesome word, Pete and some great discussion in the comments, as well!
.-= bluegoose´s last blog ..Focus Weekend!!! =-.
Truth not said in love is not really truth at all.
True that!
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Scary Storms, God Fairies & Sneaky Snakes =-.
I would definitely say Truth telling! It’s hard to admit your mess-ups and in the end you hope the person you are confessing to will show grace. Showing grace can sometimes give the illusion that your the hero. I think both are hard to balance but so worth fighting for in any relationship!
Well, at first I was going to say that grace comes naturally. Then I remembered that grace is not jsut keeping quiet, it’s letting things slide. I stew about things in my mind, even if I don’t say it out loud. I can’t call that grace. I call that keeping my mouth shut.
Truth is slightly easier, I guess. The way I see it, when you combine the two verses, when giving advice to someone, you say exactly what needs to be said – nothing more, nothing less.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..kids say… =-.
Oh, this is something I’ve never thought of. That’s a tough one. It’s both. But, if I had to choose one – it would be grace. I think I can handle more truth in my life, if I could understand and experience more grace alongside with it.
I feel that it is harder to find grace than truth these days. Don’t you think, Pete? At least it has been the case in my life.
.-= Faith Barista | Bonnie´s last blog ..No One Left Behind: Rescue =-.
I’ll go with the truth because it will set us free though it hurts.
Galatians 1:10 For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.
Grace is something you can’t figure out the intention.
Romans 16:18 For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple.
The heart is deceiving, who will know it but God.
.-= Ely Biado´s last blog ..Read Again =-.
There’s a notion out there that women want their men to be honest with them and tell the truth. In my experience (and I did an informal survey on my blog), I found that the last thing women want is a truth telling husband. Many professional counselors would tell you the same thing. Ask Dr. Laura sometime. From the female perspective, the more superficial, the better.
I’ve never heard this Des but it doesn’t sound like a good long term plan for a healthy relationship.
While you can certainly maintain a relationship through superficiality you can’t grow one.
.-= pete wilson´s last blog ..Scary Storms, God Fairies & Sneaky Snakes =-.
I really appreciated the points you made about relationships in your post. There are some many things we have to explore about what we need to to do inwardly before we try to put the blame on external reasons.
Very meaningful thoughts.
JP
.-= Jon-paul´s last blog ..The Power of Customer Testimonies =-.
My knee jerk answer is to say truth, but it’s probably really grace.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..I Know A Guy =-.
I think that we first have to apply GRACE and TRUTH to our inner relationship with ourself. If we cannot be honest with ourselves, and give ourselves grace, then how can we do so externally? We can fake it, but we won’t be totally truthful and graceful without an honest inner relationship.
There are times, though, where focusing on giving grace and truth to others can also help us dig deeper, internally.
Can we see ourselves without our own masks?
Just some Monday musings.
GREAT POST, Pete!
.-= Buddy Knight´s last blog ..SEXTING!What’s The Big Deal??? Part I =-.
Grace is far easier. Interestingly, I hate it when I suspect that I’m being lied to. OR, when friends, leaders, pastors, managers, etc, want to tell me something, and instead of just telling me, they’ll couch it in their sermon notes that I type/post. Or, worse, they’ll tell me by way of a story about Jane Doe. This is truly crazy-making for me.