Is it just me or does it seem parents these days put more pressure on kids than ever before?
We push them to walk by age 1.
We desire they excel at a sport by age 9.
We calculate grade point averages and start talking about scholarships by 6th grade.
We want them to not only master the English language but learn a few others before they graduate.
Years ago I heard a message by Andy Stanley where he talked about how these days we’re tempted to raise kids who are experience rich but relationally poor. In other words they’ve attended every camp, played every sport, mastered most of the arts, played three instruments, but they were so busy they never had the opportunity to just sit around the kitchen table.
I’m worried that sometimes in our effort to give our kids what we didn’t have we rob them of one of the most important things we can give them…ourselves.
I read an interesting article the other day entitled “The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting”. They said…
Since the onset of the Great Recession, according to a CBS News poll, a third of parents have cut their kids’ extracurricular activities. They downsized, downshifted and simplified because they had to — and often found, much to their surprise, that they liked it. When a TIME poll last spring asked how the recession had affected people’s relationships with their kids, nearly four times as many people said relationships had gotten better as said they’d gotten worse.
How ironic that we might actually become better parents creating a richer family with less money and fewer opportunities.
So what are your thoughts on “overparenting”?
You trying to step on my toes?
If so, good job!
What I have found is that we initiate the children to this type of schedule and eventually they view this as the norm.
I am guilty and need to do something about it.
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..Movie Scenes That Stick With You =-.
My feelings are that we way overschedule kids. We do it maybe with the best of intentions but still they are overscheduled. And overly organized. I think kids of all ages need time to ‘be bored’…to think and imagine and not be scheduled. I also think it is very difficult if you live in America not to get caught up in ‘competitive parenting’. We moved overseas just as my youngest was entering the teen years. Our lifestyle changed hugely. Until my girls went off to college we had dinner together pretty much every night. This was not the case with many of our friends in the US. And both of my girls were involved in activities but everything ended by 6 PM. And the village we lived in…nothing was open on Sundays so a real family day of worship and rest. Weekdays all the shops closed at 5. Even the mall closed at 6. When we arrived this was a little bit frustrating but you adapt pretty quickly and we all grew to love it. We had an abundance of family togetherness during the teenage years and I think that is critical…just harder to come by here.
.-= joyce´s last blog ..Hey Hey Macaroona =-.
I think you have said it well. I do think so many parents try to live their life (sports, grades, whatever) through their children. I think we ought to allow kids to be kids.
.-= Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Do you believe? =-.
This is a topic that the hubby and I have discussed off and on for most of the 15 years we’ve been parenting. We have made conscious choices along the way to NOT become taxi-parents, to NOT have Johnny and Janie involved in everything available. To NOT push our kids to be at the top of the curve for their age/development/grade, whatever. Dr. Kevin Leman’s writings have been a big influence in that arena.
Since I’m married to a tried and true homebody, it’s always been easier for him to say no when I would ask his thoughts on joining something. We’ve come to a balance that works well for us, even if it feels counter-culture most of the time. Further, stripping our calendar of things that cost our time and our money began long before the Recession, as we dug into ways to tighten the belt for our adoption. Back then (about 3 years ago), we didn’t have some high holy purpose or intention other than to save money and learn to live on the basics.
NOW? We are just freshly out of a “Year Off” that WAS intentionally focused on bonding and attaching with our new daughter and we are loving the slower pace and the freedom to say no. We learned a lot over these three years about the intentionality of being home together and all the spiritual training that that itself provided. Things that wouldn’t have been learned by any of us if we were going, going, going all the time.
My favorite lesson? Our value as a family unit is exponentially higher than the value of the individual. Together, we are stronger, more balanced, and can be far more effective than one of us alone when facing the world. But that’s just one of MANY things we’ve learned in these recent years of scaling back our time, money and calendar commitments.
.-= The Gang’s Momma´s last blog ..Merry Christmas =-.
Great! I read this article last week as well – I’ve always felt that parents try to do too much for their children and have them involved in way too many things. We’ve never forced our children into an activity, but it was mainly because we never had the extra money and I never wanted to be committed to a schedule based around my young kids. One of my constant refrains when my kids are whining about being bored (usually because they have already exceeded their TV/computer time for the day) is to “make your own fun – I’m not here for your entertainment.” Kids also need to experience failure – as hard as it is to watch – they need to understand that life isn’t always fair and learn how to handle it. They know that their father and I will always be here for them, but that we believe in natural consequences. Case in point, last week our 7 year old forgot her homework folder at home – I was quite tempted to bring into school for her – it would have been so easy, but instead I wanted her to understand her need for responsibility in gathering her school things the night before. She was embarrassed at school, but has since done a much better job making sure she has everything she needs before we head out the door in the morning.
Great article!!
.-= holly´s last blog ..The new boy after my heart… =-.
My wife recently read an article in Parenting magazine about a parenting more slowly. This article explains a little about it: http://bit.ly/8E4KIm
Apparently, it’s a growing trend and a very good one, in my opinion.
We have a 9 month old and I can already see the pull to be ‘helicopter parents’. It’s something we’ll be fighting for a long time.
.-= Jon Smith´s last blog ..I Want to Do Christmas Differently =-.
@Tony York, Mission accomplished.
@Pete,
So that’s what missional means!
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..Movie Scenes That Stick With You =-.
it’s easy to do…i’ve got 2 boys who are good enough to play on travel soccer clubs, but i ask whether
-they want it
-is it best for the fam?
-can we afford it?
-how does it fit with work, ministry,family
i have lots of friends who spend every weekend for 10yrs shuttling their kids.it’s not healthy.
we actually talk about this a lot with our friends in the area. so many parents here are so busy trying to keep their kids out of trouble, they overload them with extracurricular activities. in turn, kids rarely have a substantial relationship with their parents… or God.
i remember being shuffled around a lot as a child. gymnastics, dance class, piano lessons, violin lessons, voice lessons, cheer practice… blah blah blah. all of that was great… but i think i could have done without ALL of them.
.-= Jenni´s last blog ..Uncontainable Love =-.
Pete, I think it’s very possible, and happening too much these days. I think we “over-parent”, but really I think it’s under-parenting. When our kids are in different activities every night of the week we don’t have to build a relationship with them, which is much harder to do. I’m glad I didn’t have my iPhone to play with when my boys were at baseball practice, because it would have been even more tempting to have them there every night of the week.
I know I sound harsh, but I did a message earlier this year and followed up with this post: http://www.ronedmondson.com/2009/04/an-important-parenting-concept-especially-for-parents-of-young-children.html and one of the things I said was that we allow our children to decide if they “want” to go to the children’s area on Sunday morning. It wasn’t an option for me growing up…and ours is so much more entertaining today. I received some criticism for even questioning a parent’s choice, and while I wouldn’t on an individual basis tell a parent what’s right for their kid, I think this is a form of what you are saying. Many parents are letting the children control their environment now rather than being the parent they should be and we are raising generations that aren’t really prepared as they should be for the real world. That’s why so many adults are desperate for meaningful relationships today.
Wow, I feel better. Thanks Pete. Great post.
.-= Ron Edmondson´s last blog ..Different Leaders…Different Approaches To Leadership =-.
I look at it like this, there is a bout a .01% chance my kids will be professional atheletes, but there is a 100% chance they will have to deal with people and relationships. The best thing I can give them is me. OR – you can coach their team and give them both. 100.01%!
.-= Michael´s last blog ..The Silent Treatment =-.
I feel that both my parents and my wife’s did a good job of not over-parenting and have given us a great examply to follow.
While I may want the world for my daughter, she may be happy with a wooden block or Little People.
When I think of God as my Father, I am struck by the fact that His desires and dreams for me cost me so little and cost Him so much (the blood of His Son).
Hopefully my desires for my daughter will cost me much(my dreams, my hopes, my pride, etc) and will hopefully cost her little (pain, agony, loneliness, etc).
.-= Jeremy Walker´s last blog ..Being Thankful in Spite of Circumstances =-.
@pete, someone at church told me the other day their wife could not be there, this was Sunday mind you, as she was taking one of her children to a cheerleading competition maybe 80 to 100 miles away.
I think what Andy said about experiencially rich and relationally poor could be the most profound parenting statement I have heard. We all seem to want our kids to have “more than we did”, but we are wanting them to have more of the wrong stuff. My two kids are grown now but while growing up I was the Scoutmaster, Little League Coach, Soccer Coach, Band Parent etc… I really think it was too much. Jason and I talk very little about those times although we do both have fond memories of them. We talk about conversations that occured spontaneously, without perparation, but had a profound effect.
On Thanksgiving evening Jason and I drove around after the evening meal discussing concerns he has for his own son now. I told him after my years of parenting experience I had only one true parenting rule I could always guarantee would have it’s desired effect. (drum roll here) DON’T LET YOUR KIDS PLAY IN THE ROAD!
Raising children is the hardest thing we will ever do. Nothing else comes close. Each child is unique and there is no one size fits all solution. Just because you made great with the first does not mean you know how to parent. It means you were lucky enough to know how to parent that child.
Good luck to all who are still in the process.
@Michael, right on!!!
I am not a parent, but I over-”brother” if that is a word.
My sisters will talk to me about things and I will start right in on what they should do. This inevitable ends up in some kind of argument and the response of “I do not want to talk about it” from my sisters.
I hate hearing that, I have lost them because I am in search of just fixing and not listening.
I over brother my sisters all the time, probably because I want them to never get hurt, to never make a mistake, to be the best they can possible be. And yet I learn that they have to discover this themselves and not me discover it for them.
.-= Kyle Reed´s last blog ..The Big MO =-.
Hey Pete. Thanks much. Amy and I have five boys between the ages of 8 months and 12 years. We have from the beginning decided to be relationally rich – at all costs. Sometimes we feel guilty when our boys’ friends parents are running to six different practices/rehearsals and eight different games and three spoecial events in any given week. But the realtity is this… we are VERY VERY close to our kids. Not “buddy buddy” I’m-your-friend-not-your-authority-figure close. But healthy “I love our family” close. Wouldn’t trade that for a Heisman trophy EVER.
God bless you and your family and your ministry, brother!
.-= Joshua Skogerboe´s last blog ..matt chandler addresses the village :: cancer, faith, strength =-.
Pete, Because there are so many opportunities, it easy for us over-schedule our kids but I’m not sure this is over-parenting – just poor judgment. Especially if we have kids doing activities just to be doing activities.
Good parenting demands we try our best to understand how God has our kids wired. What are their gifts, strengths and interests? Discovering this may require exploring lots of things together as a family and, yes, enrolling them in a variety of experiences.
When our kids’ “wiring” becomes apparent, Mom and Dad can help them explore (at appropriate levels) the opportunities they need to develop their gifts. Ultimately, it’s our job as parents to help our children learn to enjoy (to revel in) who God has made them to be.
As Eric Liddell said (Chariots of Fire), “When I am running, I feel God’s pleasure.”
Wouldn’t you love to have your child say that?
After trying to have a baby for over 8 years due to infertility, we love our baby (10 months now) so much that I’m a bit concerned about over-parenting. I love reading the comments and making sure my priorities are right as my wife and I raise our beautiful girl!
.-= Brian´s last blog ..A confessional of some bad tasting Christian cookies. =-.
LOVE it, Amen to it, we try to live it (not the overparenting, but the simplifying). Simplify. You will be BLESSED!
.-= LauraLee@Selah´s last blog ..All the Way to Cambodia, Part 2 =-.
To Michael’s point. Introduce them to lots of things, but never let those things come between ANY activity that the local church is offering for its students. If the kid is really good at it, the coach/teacher/instructor will understand and get over it. If the kid is not that good at it, then the .01% comes in, it really doesn’t matter.
It’s a hard line to see Pete. We have to introduce things to them, or how will they know? 2 of my 3 daughters hated piano lessons. The other one played on your stage last weekend. How would we have known if we didn’t push a little, and inspire the concept of not quitting? Tough line to see brother.
Just glad I am almost through that parenting stuff….good luck to all you youngsters.
I think you’re right. I don’t want the kids to repeat the mistakes of my life but unless I sit down and talk with them and work with them there’s no chance they’ll be able to learn. Good thoughts, Pete.
.-= Jason´s last blog ..Waiting is not doing nothing…but it feels that way. =-.
I was just praying about this yesterday. We don’t even have our kids in a bunch of stuff, AND we homeschool and I’m still concernced that they’ll be more about what they can get than what they can give!
Homeschoolers or not (we all “homeschool” on some level. Some people just use public school curriculum for reading/writing and what not
, there is a huge responsibility to help them develop a hunger for God’s visions, plans, and thrills!
It’s certainly and intentional process! Man, I can miss it! Thanks for the confirmation post!
Parents and kids spending increased time together, no matter how small the time, will make an impact on their kids. It’s great to see the recession is having a positive impact somewhere.
I think the biggest danger in this culture of overparenting and over busy schedules is that our kids don’t learn they can say NO to something even if it is a great thing, or possibly anything at all. There will always be plenty to do, but we can’t physically do it all. Now that we have a teenager who wants to be everywhere her friends are we are attempting to help her process what she can do and what she should say no. I think it’s important to show them see that it’s okay to say no to things, and that that she will be better for it.
.-= Pat Rowland´s last blog ..Sometimes You Have To Laugh at Yourself =-.
What a great reminder for those of us just about to start out on our parenting journey. I read that parents are their children’s favorite toy. It’s important to put that relationship before report cards and soccer practice.
Pete, I worked for years in defense and aerospace, with a good job, and as we moved around with that we were privileged to attend some truly wonderful churches. Then the major layoffs hit that industry, 3/4 of our plant was laid off, and we were “homeless” (the four of us living mostly in a tent trailer) for nearly six years. We were definitely “together” – all living within 20 feet of each other.
A couple years ago, I got wondering which of the churches we’d attended had helped our kids the most spiritually. And I asked them. I did not expect their answer. It was, “None of them.” They told us their faith hadn’t come from ANY of the excellent churches we’d attended. It had come from seeing us live consistent lives at home, and from the miracles and answers to prayer they saw in our own family – many of them during the six years we were “homeless.”
I was reading something similar recently about kids who are super busy having problems with stress related illnesses and depression. My wife and I decided before we had kids that there have to be limits for the sake of our kids and our own sanity.
.-= ChrisW(Churchpunk)´s last blog ..A Great Day =-.
My 14yo daughter sucks at sports, she’s my girly-girl… whew!!! However, she’s more than capable of having a conversation with the “rents”, even to the point of baffling emotional articulation. Pretty sure the next two will require alternative parenting calibration.
.-= Angus Nelson´s last blog ..NARCISSISM – PETE WILSON =-.
This fall I signed my two youngest (girls, ages 5 &
for a “Musical Exploration” class on Sat. mornings. They are both into music, dancing, singing, etc. and I thought they would enjoy it. By the 3rd Saturday they were dragging their feet and I found myself getting irritated with them for being so slow in getting ready to leave. The 4th Saturday they were highly engrossed in some fantasy play life with their My Little POnies, Littlest Pet Shops, and Loving Family Dollhouse. I interrupted them to get ready to leave and they both looked up at me, sighed, and the 5yo says, “Mom, I’d rather stay home and just play with Hannah. I never see her in the mornings anymore because we go to school now.” The 8 yr old says, “Yeah and I miss Claire. She’s my buddy.” I said, “But you have music class together – isn’t that fun?” They both said, “NO” in unison. The 5yo clarified for me that FUN is playing and class is learning and there is a difference and they wanted to play.
Hey. Who am I to argue with building family relationships vs. activities?? I thought they had pleaded their case well and I left them alone. They routinely spend 2-3 hrs every Saturday morning playing in their bedroom. It’s so much more rewarding for me to hear them giggling together and having good old fashioned girl-time than to see them participating in a music class.
To each his own, I presume, but I love the fact that my girls are so “family first” oriented.
Just my $0.02 on the subject – if the hectic lifestyle works for your family and your kids are happy to do it – go for it, but don’t be afraid to just let kids be kids and have plenty of down time. I read a book called “The Hurried Child” years ago. It cemented a lot of thoughts I already had about overparenting.
.-= Sarah Walston´s last blog ..Recent Nuggets of Wisdom =-.
That smiley face was supposed to be an 8 followed by a ) but it came out like this:
.-= Sarah Walston´s last blog ..Recent Nuggets of Wisdom =-.
To be honest I think the real epidemic in the US is under-parenting. My kids go to public school in the lower class neighborhood where we live and I cringe at what I see when I pick them up and spend time in the classroom.
The utter lack of discipline leads to horrific behavior. Scholastically speaking, the children are far from challenged and it shows in their work.
While I am not a teacher, several friends who have worked in the Toledo Public Schools have voiced irritation that parents have forgotten how to parent.
These kids, are truly relationally poor. My boy got a basketball thrown at his face for missing a shot in a recess game.
I know where you were going with this post, and yes, there are those parents that expect their kids to conquer the world, but they are in minority, if you ask me (and you did!)
Cheers!
.-= Nate´s last blog ..The Cost of Beer: Inflation =-.
@ Pete A: Family intimacy is one of the major reasons lots of families home school – to be able to spend major amounts of time together. I’m sorry you had to go through such a time as being homeless, but it sounds like God used that time to plant some seeds and grow some fruit. He’s so good like that!
.-= Sarah Walston´s last blog ..Recent Nuggets of Wisdom =-.
I should probably have this post pop up on my calendar about once every 3 months for the next 20 years.
Having a child with a disability really gave me a new perspective on this subject. When most anticipate the arrival of their child they are born to a parent with expectations, hopes, and dreams. To harness their strengths and talents young means setting the foundation for their future, and I was an overacheiving kid growing up. After having Dalton (whom has Down Symdrome) changed a lot of my perception of what a well rounded kid needs. With Dalton’s Intellectual quotient being low, his Emotional Quotient is high and this translates into the way we function as a family. Milestones were not met on time by the standards of society, and I learned that slowing down to smell the roses and breathing again felt better than running around to accomplish otherwise noteworthy but not detrimental to their happiness.
And … in the teenage years, we expect them to make a 30 on the ACT, get a full scholarship to be president of the student body, make the varsity ____ team and bring home straight As – while holding down a job and keeping their room clean.
We’ve been all about the family dinner table for many years and in a few months we’ll be empty nesters. I don’t regret any of the material things we’ve sacrificed to make that happen.
It would have been much easier for our girls to make their own money than for us to provide for their needs and many of their wants — but how many hours of eye contact at the dinner table would we have missed? And for what? I’m way too stingy with her family time to give it away for a few bucks.
Teenagers need downtime. What looks like too much sleep and wasted time on Facebook is their way of recharging. I sure wouldn’t want someone taking that away from me.
Folks, we’ve already had our shot. Let them live *their* lives, not ours. Justsayin.
.-= beth g sanders´s last blog ..Once More Across Home Plate =-.
Love it!
I found this blog interesting on a related subject:
http://www.vinceantonucci.com/2009/12/happiness-paradox.html
It’s a good thing we can’t do as much.
.-= kc´s last blog ..A Bloody Fight =-.
Great reminder Pete! The greatest gift we can give our children is ourselves or more specifically our time and our attention! Sadly, too many parents think that as long as they give their kids everything they need and want materially that their children will be satisfied. The truth is that this does NOT work. This may work temporarily BUT it will NOT work for the long haul. Our children want us first and foremost. They want our attention. They want our time. Here’s a general principle, whatever we pay attention to is going to grow. If I pay attention to my garden, it’s going to grow. If I pay attention to my kids, they’re going to grow!
.-= Kevin M.´s last blog ..Things to pray for our children =-.
Fantastic stuff, as usual, Pete. Really, really enjoy your blog.
I think I jump into and out of this, as a parent. I’ll catch myself, oftentimes, expecting way too much of my oldest boy (6). Granted, he’s an exceptional kid … and, there’s nothing wrong with expecting alot. I’ve just made sure that he knows it comes from a place of love and that I’ll love him more than anything in the world, regardless of what he achieves. That my love, like the Lord’s, doesn’t depend on achievements, milestones or markers. It’s unconditional and I’ll be there for him, ALWAYS. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t know, oftentimes, what’s right for him and that I’m not going to nudge him lovingly along until he’s old enough to start making his own, bigger, decisions.
He’s beginning to learn, as we let him make smaller ones, that decisions have consequences. I’m STILL learning that lesson … and, a decision I make every day is to let my exceptional 6 year old be a 6 year old. The consequence, I hope, will be a boy secure in his relationship with his dad and his God … and who knows he’s loved.
@Nate, so true. While my family and most of my friends don’t struggle with “under parenting” I certainly believe it’s a very real problem in our culture today.
Maybe I’ll post on that tomorrow.
Pete, I think you are right about this. If we look at the reason why we do this, I think it is because somehow we think we are going to deprive our kids of experiences that will make them more liked, more respected, more normal, more “successful”, or “well-rounded”. This is “success” in the world’s eyes. This is not a biblical mandate.
My husband and I are praying for wisdom in this area. We certainly don’t have it all figured out, but I desperately want my kids to walk with God, and I am willing to do whatever it takes lead them to Him. I keep going back to this verse:
Deuteronomy 6:5-7
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
We are evaluating our family life and where this time is being built into schedules. It seems as though lately our schedules have been dominated by school, homework, sports, and other extracurricular activities. None of these things will ever be as important as becoming a man or woman of God. So we have to ask ourselves if this is being made the number one priority in our home. As Christian parents we need to take the responsibility for discipling our children. I pray that the Lord will give us wisdom and help us to make the most of our time with them while they are still at home.
Thanks Pete! Awesome post!
Good parenting should involve the letting go, the resting, and the investing in things that money can’t buy. I think some elements or responsibilities in parenting can get out of balance, but good parenting in and of itself involves taking stock in things and getting things in balance. I don’t think right parenting can be overdone, but I do think we can misunderstand what it means to be a good parent.
.-= Anita´s last blog ..Morning People Weigh In =-.
I didn’t think this post would apply to me because I don’t have any kids yet. Even though I am 31 and most people are a few years away from being grandparents I still am childless.
I hope when I have kids that I could care less if they excel at a sport because in the real world who is going to sign a white 5’6″ football player
My kids will speak at least two languages because they will be raised in Germany.
Though I am no parent I do remember being a kid. It would have been nice for my parents to pay attention and spend more time with me.
.-= David Knapp´s last blog ..Top 5 Christmas Movies =-.
Now that our little girl is walking, do you think it’s too early for her to start looking for a job?
Great post Pete! I think this is a huge problem. Between the schedules that packed out the wazoo and the constant stream of electronic media…we seem to think that we have to be going, texting or tweeting every moment of everyday. We miss out on creativity, imagination and the still, small voice of God speaking to us at critical moments.
I constantly wonder if I’m doing too much or too little for my daughter; and have to remind myself that she needs time to just be. Even though I adopted her knowing she had a disability, I am still learning to let go of even unconscious expectations. It’s definitely a journey!
I have to remind myself of this daily. I feel that being a father is the most important task I have. I like what Rick Warren says…Love is spelled T-I-M-E. thanks for the reminder.
.-= Gary Durbin´s last blog ..Worship Confessional 12.06.09 =-.
RIGHT ON, PETE!!!! Especially the “under-parenting”…
I’ve had the benefit of having our son in my 30′s – and with a little background in child psychology, years of being a nanny and working with childcare… it’s really helped Sam and I in this area.
I heard Bill Cosby talking about this earlier today. “When you leave your child to be raised by others (childcare/school + sports, groups, organized activities, etc) it begins the breakdown of their early sense of security and their understanding of what true relationships are all about… thus leading to so much more like lack of self-esteem, understanding of communication, faith, etc…”
I started my own business so that I could ensure that our son spent more time with us than he did with child care providers. I know many parents can’t do this – so we are fortunate we could. But it’s allowed us to see where our child exceeds and what he’s drawn to – where he needs more guidance and/or support and really GET TO KNOW OUR CHILD rather than shoving him into all the standard development demands.
He was a late walker (18 months) and still is very uncoordinated. But he speaks incredibly well for his age and is an excellent communicator. Overall, he’s a confident and loving kid who is learning to love God and already is showing how much he loves people! We are responsible for teaching him these things…NOT his teachers, coaches, etc.
Matthew will probably push me to keep me in check about this. I was not over-parented, but I did it too myself. I LOVED to be busy and doing things as a child – big surprise, I know. It is how I am wired. I know that as I parent my son I will need to be sure to give time for “nothing.”
@Erik, It’s never too early.
Great Post! I really think as an American culture we do way too much of this.
I have to constantly pray and check my attitude to make sure I don’t fall into it. I’ve tried really hard to be sensitive to each of my sons and give them support (which sometimes includes activities) in those areas where he is gifted/desirous and to just let them each be. It may be that it’s working since all 3 of these young men (now ages 21, 17 & 15) are very different from one another and are involved in things about which they are passionate.
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..Terrific Tuesday with Denise from Free to be Me =-.
I completely agree. Thanks for the reminder as we are in the midst of discussing which activities our kids may be doing this spring and trying to limit it to one.
I’ve got an amazing treehouse in my backyard. Kids want to play in it and then they rarely know what to do once they’re in it. That’s the tradedy of overparenting. When we plan out every waking moment of a child’s existence, we rob them of the ability to activite their God-given imagination and creativity. We also deny ourselves the thrill of experiencing new discoveries through the eyes of a child. As much as I love cheering kids from the sidelines, I would rather listen to them tell me about the great village they made with mud, sticks, and army guys!
.-= Shari Luebbert´s last blog ..Hug =-.
The three best words of advice I ever got on parenting were from my high school buddy who’d raised his kids through high school before I’d even started. He said, “Don’t miss it.” I think we can have them ‘doing’ so much that they can actually miss out on the ‘being’ part….just being a kid and hanging out around the house with the family. How much is too much or not enough is probably different for every kid and every family.
“I’m worried that sometimes in our effort to give our kids what we didn’t have we rob them of one of the most important things we can give them…ourselves.”
I’m not sure. I think in some ways parents could push their children more. And the way they can do that is by being with them, cultivating them relationally. With that relationship, I think kids could probably do even more.
But the activities should never overshadow the relationship. It’s like in any leadership situation, if the trust is there, you can take your troops through the valley of the shadow of death without them fearing.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
.-= bondChristian´s last blog ..Showing off: What it means to glorify God =-.
I read through all of the comments, and I don’t think anyone else has touched on one thing that has been vexing me: the schools are buying into this too. Now, it seems, it is not just a problem of parents deciding to put their kids into too many activities, it also becomes the problem that, even if you are selective with extracurriculars, your kids can be overspent. My HS kids have generally been in at least some AP classes, which seem to require more and more study time each year. They have all been in marching band, which has gotten sort of out of control, in my opinion, with competitions being held some weekends on both Saturday and Sunday. I have found my kids staying up till all hours trying to get their homework done, and band is their only extracurricular. When I’ve spoken to teachers and school administrators about this, the attitude has been that it’s just my kids (all four of them? really? then why are many other band parents saying the same things to us in private?), and/or that we knew what we were getting into when we signed them up. So we are forced to try to decide whether to take away from them the one activity that is a huge, fun part of their lives and the basis for their social life, or to say, “well, okay, since you have competition, I guess you can’t ever eat dinner with us or go to church on Sunday.”
Something is wrong with this picture, big time!
.-= Jan C.´s last blog ..Holidays in Hand, Pages 2 and 3 =-.
@Bill Renfrew, I heard you say that a few weeks ago at Men’s Fraternity and it has so stuck in my head. That’s great advice.
Our kids know that if a sport, or a birthday party or an event in on a Sunday, they cannot go. They are fine with it. The only exception we make for that rule is at the end of the year when the girls may have 2 rehearsals in November for their ballet recital and the one Sunday where the older three have a Christmas party for ‘special’ kids.
They take music lessons through their school, and are allowed one extra curricular activity. And since the boys can’t make up their mind, we only have the girls ballet on Saturday mornings.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Yes, Well… =-.
I absolutely think it’s possible to overparent kids. The other common phrase I like is “helicoptering” our kids. I’d love to just my kid off at birthday party and come back 2 hours later like my parents di when I was a kid! But we are trying to make sure our 5 yo is involved in the things she that interest her at the moment and not 11 things WE think she needs. She’ll start Girl Scouts in January…it’s her first and only scheduled thing she’s been involved in to this point save for swim lessons in the summer. I just can’t get into all the lessons and teams before the age of 5. But that’s just this mama…
Part me thinks, I shouldn’t comment because I’m not a parent. but then after being in South africa, I don’t think it is all a ‘parenting’ problem – it’s a culture problem too. We live in a materialistic culture where people can make tons of money out of all the toys your kids ‘need’ for their development. All the gadgets all mums ‘need’. All the activities they need ‘organised’.
I loved the times in South Africa where we just went outside and PLAYED. Our own imaginations, the kids deciding ‘ok, let’s play this game’. The rules changed all the time but it was so much fun, and we just stood back most of the time and joined in (not much choice not to about 6 of them would grab you at once and next thing you know, you’re in the middle of a game of Duck, duck, goose!)
.-= Brunettekoala´s last blog ..The most famous pregnancy crisis story, like, EVER =-.
@Jan – so true. It’s not too bad in Scottish state schools, but my younger siblings went to private school and it was crazy. My sister would be so ill just with exhaustion and stress really by the end of term. When I heard of what high school involved from some of my American friends I was appalled. 7 a.m. classes? Sports practice before school began, and sometimes afterwards as well? I did a TON of extracurricular stuff while I was in high school, but I’m happy to say that it was pretty much all stuff I chose to do myself. and it was all at ‘sane’ hours! But yes, by the time I was 15 it was rare for me to have a meal with the rest of my family.
.-= Brunettekoala´s last blog ..The most famous pregnancy crisis story, like, EVER =-.
I have no children of my own, but as a first grade teacher, i do “parent” 21 kids for 7 and a half hours a day. BY MYSELF! Without video games.
I absolutely believe that we push kids too hard. But I also agree that it is a societal thing.
I was having this discussion with some other teachers today. We were talking about how no matter what we do, our kids just don’t seem excited or interested in learning anymore.
But what I realized is that it’s because we, as teachers, aren’t a video game, a television show, a DS, a zombie they can kill, the list goes on and on. We have to come up with more creative ways to teach, come up with “projects” to just get the kids to like to read. It’s almost like we have to trick them into learning. Um, how about read this book because I told you to? When really , they’re bored because they aren’t beating the latest zombie game. And because they can beat said zombie game, their parents tell their child’s teacher that they think their child is gifted. “He can beat this game that no adults can beat.”
Because of the immediacy of this society, we want things NOW and don’t want to wait for anything anymore. We want to make more money NOW. We want to have more things NOW. Bigger houses, more cars, NOW NOW NOW. We want things without having to earn them.
So kids are given these video games, movies, tvs in their bedrooms, put into all kinds activities, maybe because they mentioned one time to their parents that they liked soccer and football and cheerleading and pottery and singing, etc. etc. etc.
The kids are doing worse at school because they have too many distractions at home, yet more and more and more expectations are put onto teachers and schools in order to prove that we are teaching. And then parents think the schools aren’t doing their job and teaching their child.
AHHHHH… it’s a never ending cycle. I’m going to stop now before the blood vessel in my head bursts from frustration.
Love you Pete!
.-= amanda´s last blog ..The Night Before Christmas =-.
When my son was younger my wife was always worrying whether or not he would walk. The other parents would always ask, “He’s not walking yet?”
I told her, “Listen he’s gonna walk.” And after a while he did. Then the next thing was (from the other parents), “Why isn’t he walking as fast?”
Sigh.
You’re right…we do overparent. God give me the wisdom to be a Parent like Him.
.-= Michael Holmes´s last blog ..Leadership Lessons from King David =-.
@Amanda, I want you to tell us what you really think.
Why do we want our child to make a 31 on the ACT or
Why do we want him to be the star football player or
the class beauty or
the head cheerleader
or the class valedictorian?
Why?
Why are we worried about how they dress?
or who they hang out with?
Why is it so important that our 3 year old is in music class or tumbling class?
Why do we place demands on your children that we don’t put on ourselves?
Why? I’ve been doing this parenting thing for just over 23 years and I’ve struggled with the over-parenting — and I’ve made all the arguments:
I want my girls to fit in
I want to give them the advantages
I want them to achieve.
But the bottom line truth is:
I want to fit in
I want to be accepted
I want to be liked
When I finally realized that I AM a child of God and my worth and value comes from my life in CHRIST. Not in how my child behaves.
It want to spend my time connecting with my girls. My oldest is married now and I still make time to connect with her. My baby is now 16 and on the cusp of college — I cherish the time with her.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..The Christmas Cat or am I the Crazy Cat Lady =-.
Love this one. VERY well stated. I think those that tend to over parent do so out of either guilt or trying to make up for what they feel they lacked as a child. Just my opinion.
Amen! I have 4 kids and this is the constant struggle, but or kids have not done sports yet, and a big part of the reason we homeschool…to build relationships. What happened to the days of adding activities once you hit middle school? Why all the pressure to have our elementary kids so over-activitied (if that is a word). This affects our churches as well….Kids are so “entertained” now that they don’t know how to just “be” in church. I enjoyed this post. Thanks for writing it! God grant us wisdom and grace as we parent.
You’ve got to listen to this real answering machine message from a public school in Austrailia…I think it relates to this discussion:
This is awesome. Take a listen.
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1212601907690&ref=mf
I totally agree.