Fast To Forgive
I’m in the process of re-reading Deadly Viper (character assassins) by my two friends Mike Foster and Jud Wilhite. I read something that made me stop dead in my tracks.
We made a pact with each other to be people who are fast to forgive. So much of our emotional volatility comes from relationship gone wrong. In the last couple of years, both of us have dealt with severe betrayal by trusted friends and partners. We were deceived and lied to by these individuals and their actions were reprehensible…
You see, when you don’t forgive someone, you let them park in your life forever. These people are like parasites that can suck the life right out of you and allow bitterness to rot you out. If you let these people and their actions haunt your thoughts, emotions, and spirit, you allow them to continually damage not only you but those around you, too.
Almost everyday I come in contact with people who are allowing unforgiven anger and bitterness from their past to destroy them today. Unknowingly their unwillingness to forgive is impacting their marriage, the way they treat their kids and their attitude toward most everything in life.
I’m not going to pretend like forgiveness is always easy because we all know it isn’t. Some of you have been hurt in ways I can’t imagine. Someone wounded you, or betrayed you or lied to you or maybe cheated you. You’re afraid if you let go of the hurt, they get away with something. And you’re right, to forgive you will pay a high cost. In fact the only thing that will cost you more than forgiveness is not forgiving someone.
I know you want to see them hurt back but that desire is a weight or burden that actually becomes a part of you. You’ll carry that weight from relationship to relationship from season to season and if you carry that bitterness and anger around long enough it will choke the joy out of your life. It will cost you your heart. So be fast to forgive.
How are we doing with this? Are you fast to forgive?
Ouch. Man, I so know this to be true. But it is one of the hardest things to truly act out, at least for me.
Sometimes I want to even the score, and then I’ll forgive. Sometimes I’ll “forgive” but then I conveniently want to bring up the wound years later. The real kind of forgiveness is not something I can do on my own. Thankfully I don’t have to.
Couldn’t start the week with something light and fluffy, huh?
.-= Lindsey Nobles´s last blog ..The Cutest Kids In The Whole World =-.
I tend to be fast to forgive, slow to forget. Given my past where I need a lot of forgiveness for what I’ve done I know the importance of giving it. I just have a very hard time forgetting the things that were done because I want to be very cautious not to let it happen again. As a result, I struggle with giving trust as quickly as I used to do it.
.-= Jason´s last blog ..I am a broken man =-.
I am normally fast to forgive and keep it that way. It makes it harder when the stuff keeps coming back up and it is passed on to others. Am going through that right now. Going to have to go back and read DV again.
.-= bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Paralyzed by the Past =-.
Wow, Pete. Such a heavy topic to get started with this Monday morning, but…VERY timely. I have always thought of myself as a pretty forgiving person until recently being betrayed by my closest friend. He betrayed a confidence that was very hurtful. In our discussion of the issue, he has has been very remorseful and has apologized (which is not a basis for forgiveness, btw). I have forgiven, but there are times that the anger still comes up inside of me. I have to keep letting go of it…it gets a little easier each time.
Thanks for sharing. I wrote a post on the related subject of anger. http://randykinnick.wordpress.com/2009/10/20/go-light-on-the-salt/
.-= Randy Kinnick´s last blog ..Look Mommy, They’re Loving Each Other =-.
@Randy, I’m a big believer that there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiveness is something you can do fast. Forgetting may take a little longer. Sounds like you’re on the right road.
I definitely struggle with the difference between forgiving and forgetting, too!
At least for me, forgiving is always a process. I want it to be simple, like saying “I forgive you” and then it’s done. Realistically, it’s repeatedly reminding myself that it’s more important to be done/out/moving on, etc. than it is to be right. I want to always be right, but that’s really a control thing.
I find that if I continue to pray for God to heal the relationship and change my heart, even when I don’t really feel like it, eventually I realize that the situation or person no longer has such control over me.
Great post! This brings to mind three thoughts.
First, I read a quote once by Abbott Phillip Lawrence about forgiveness that stuck with me. I have NO idea where I read it, but I wrote it down so I would remember it. He said, “Forgiveness is a doorway into the goodness of the other person…once you begin to look at the goodness of the other person, the world becomes transformed.”
Second, I think for me, it is important to remember that Christ has forgiven much of me, so who am I to not forgive another?
Another good quote I heard once is that unforgiveness is like placing the other person on the cross. Christ already died on the cross and so I need to take them off the cross and accept that Christ’s death was for them too.
Third, I heard once that hurt people hurt people. It helps me remember that I have no idea what has happened in a person’s life that has led them to become who they are. This does not excuse their actions, but it does give me a different perspective – one of compassion – which sometimes makes it easier to forgive.
Anyways, great post! Sorry for the long comment!
.-= Chrystie´s last blog ..Will you…? =-.
Well the way these two worded it, truly does wonders for the way I see forgiveness. Thank you for this. I need this right now.
@Chrystie, I LOVE that quote.
I know I sound like a broken record….but dang, Pete…..we seem to always have the same thoughts placed on our hearts to speak about on/around the same day.
I am struggling with forgiveness and bitterness as I type. Like you said, when we don’t forgive someone….it is like we are still chained to them and drag them around. Forgiveness is a gift that God gives us *for us* to have peace, not necessarily the person we are forgiving.
.-= *~Michelle~*´s last blog ..A bitter pill to swallow =-.
I just read this and thought “WOO! Yeah! Here I go, gonna forgive everyone riiiiiiiiight NOW! *snap- done!*”
I get so psyched when I read blogs like this and realize how true they are and want to make them work for me- that I think I rush into a click-it-worked decision.
My immediately reaction made me realize that I’m just going to have to keep this information in my heart and pull it out next time I find myself dwelling on anger and resentment. Hopefully, I can make it work then.
Thanks for the blog- it’s very inspiring.
This topic has consumed me the last year. I have really tried to fight the fight. I know I can’t do it on my own and am learning to “let go and let God”.
Thank you so much for this today.
It depends on the person and situation. I remember so much; it’s hard to really let go. Ironically, if I love the person it’s easier to forgive them. Like my husband. It’s easier to forgive him. (but there’s not much to forgive; he’s really wonderful)
This is a timely post for me because I’m dealing with not forgiving a group of people and this has carried on since April! With much hurt and bitterness. I keep saying I’m letting it go but something happens that reopens the wound. (add to this it’s (volunteer) ministry oriented)
The hard part is that they probably have no idea the hurt and bitterness I’ve toward them, and they have no idea that I view what transpired as lying to me; as saying one thing yet meaning another and every time what I view supports that they lied to me, it just hurts. They have no idea of my hurt. Initially I candidly spoke how it hurt me, and was assured that things were great, things were good and that it wasn’t a lie. But it was. Time has proven it. Other things have proven it. I say let it go.. I try to let it go. Yet I can’t and now I have absolutely no trust in their ministry and am battling such bitterness.
I agree with your quote; I feel drained by this parasite and yet it’s always there with me, no matter what I resolve to do.
.-= Torybee´s last blog ..Cause Or Allow? =-.
I struggle with what it means to forgive. If I forgive does it mean I have to let the people that hurt me back into my life? I tend to block people from my life if they hurt me but is that true forgiveness?
I’m in the (difficult) process of forgiving a soured relationship with one of my sisters – something that has been going on for 30 years. About 5 years ago, I worked through the understanding of what happened in order to forgive (both her and myself) – now I’m working to forget and heal.
This is in part, a result of my dad’s slow and torturous decline in health that has been toughest on her (she lives closest and helps my mom the most). It’s forced us to speak to each other and actually spend a little time together. It’s still really awkward, but I realized last week on a quick trip home, that God wasn’t taking my dad yet for a reason – and some healing among the women in our family just might be that reason.
@Andy, that is a great question. I think there is a big difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. While we are to always forgive we are not always called to reconcile.
My struggle is that I am “fast” to forgive, thinking I must do it immediately. But in the haste, I wonder if I am leaving dormant feelings unresolved. I resolve this quandary by saying, “Jesus, change my heart so that I can forgive and mean it. I want to forgive.” Sometimes I don’t feel forgiving but I take the action of “forgiveness.” I hope that is the same thing. When in doubt, I question to myself, “If this person approached me now and asked me to forgive them, how would I feel?” If I can say, “Yes, I most certainly would feel grateful and joyful and forgiving,” then I know that forgiveness has taken place. It is really a hard question, though! Only takes place with help from Him.
.-= Heidi Rafferty´s last blog ..Is Quest Community Church in Lexington, KY, a Cult? =-.
I am faster to forgive than I used to be.
My message yesterday was built around my struggle with a relationship with my father-in-law where I shut him out of my life, my wife’s life, and our oldest sons life for almost two years because I was angry and bitter at something he had done to me. That was one of the most miserable years of my life. It taught me that taking control of my own life does not heal my brokenness, only God can do that (Psalm 147:3) – That lesson has taught me to forgive & let go of offenses faster than in the past.
.-= Nick´s last blog ..Nine Years Ago Today =-.
Funny that you talked about this today.
I was talking with my Grandpa last night and he pretty much said that everything that I tweet about, blog about, and talk about have nothing to do with glorifying God. It hurt pretty bad that he said that I acted like I wanted to lead others to Christ but everything I said was about me and not God.
I was ready to fire back with a comment about how he says he is all about family but really does give a crap about any of us or for that matter talks to any of us about our lives. But I stopped myself. I was ready to hold a grudge and not talk to him for a while, but then I realized that I was holding onto bitterness that was only going to hurt me.
It was very interesting to be able to let go of that damning comment that he gave me, and yet forgiveness set in immediately. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel called to be something bigger than demeaning comments and that is what called me to forgive.
.-= Kyle Reed´s last blog ..Twitter Strategy =-.
That image of letting someone “park in your life forever” is painfully great. To run with that analogy, I have a couple people who have betrayed me, and I’ve been working through forgiving them…but I do find their cars still parked in my brainspace now and then. It’s been quite the discipline not to slash their figurative tires (in my thoughts) and instead call on God (dare I call him the Diving towing service?) to take charge and haul their cars away.
Great post, any dialogue on forgiveness is a good one. It was too many years for me to be properly introduced to this. Now that I have the framework for forgiveness, I just need to work on the woundedness from the lack of forgiveness from years ago. But that is another chapter of this. Thanks for the great post today.
Another great book is “Total Forgiveness” by R.T. Kendall.
I have heard it said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to get sick. The need to forgive is for OUR sake and a lot more than it is about the other person.
I often need a reminder of this – thanks for the refresher!
.-= Amanda Sims´s last blog ..Vision Correction =-.
@Andy, Thank you for asking that!
@Pete, Thank YOU for always having great posts AND responding to comments like you do.
What a blessing to have you as a pastor!
Honestly, I’m usually really good about forgiving others that have hurt me. My problem is forgiving MYSELF! I know we’re supposed to “Give it to God” but what exactly does that mean? I’ve tried everything I know how to do, but I just continue to beat myself up over things that I would forgive someone else for doing to me in a heartbeat.
I wish I could say I forgive quickly in all situations. I seem to find it much easier to forgive someone who is apologetic than someone that I perceive as defensive or self-righteous. That shouldn’t play a role but too often it does.
Resentment’s probably the opposite of forgiveness. I can fool myself into thinking I’m punishing someone by resenting them. But as much as I’d like to imagine otherwise that person never feels my wrath. Only I do.
@Andy: Amen brother! And are repeat offenders are the hardest of all to forgive or what? (as if I’m not a repeat offender myself…whatever.) I guess some would suggest setting some boudaries. I recently had a situation arise in which I felt it neccessary to restrict my vulnerability in terms of how much a person could hurt me. But I didn’t write that person off my list which was different for me. Not saying it was easy and it’s an ongoing process.
God plain amazes me!
Just yesterday – the first face I saw when I arrived in church was someone from the past that I witnessed hurt a lot of people, myself included – I have forgiven them but seeing and worshipping with them again brought up that old wound and I realized, it still hurts – Needless to say – I have been wrestling (having a blasting fit) with God about why He is calling me to be in fellowship with this person again – and Yet again I realize my desperate need for Christ…..because it is far from me -
One of the wisest men I know once said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I’ll never forget that statement.
Forgiveness is more easily dispensed when done right away, without questioning whether it’s warranted or not.
.-= Aaron B. Reddin´s last blog ..A Man Should Never Have to Teach Himself…. =-.
@Aaron, that is absolutely brilliant!
@Kyle Reed… I just want to hug you!! Great example, Kyle, Great!
…in reference to forgiveness (in one particular recent situation)-I have to get out of God’s way. It’s all Him. I have to pray every morning for my “self” to exit, and HIM to enter. Amen.
.-= Reese´s last blog ..Can I wash your Bunion [Feet]? =-.
It has taken me a long time… a very long time… to be a person who is fast to forgive. I have learned the hard way that holding on to it causes too much pain. There is freedom in forgiveness.
Nope. Nowhere close. I’m still working on not want to hurt the person back part first. I’m getting there. (I think) But It ain’t easy. But I do feel better when I finally do forgive someone, even if it’s mostly just for my own sake.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Friday Fill-Ins =-.
This quote made me quick to forgive: “Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.”
Anything I was stuck on wasn’t because I wanted revenge or something, it’s because I wanted it to have never happened. I wanted it to be different. I wanted to be treated differently.
Truth is, that can never happen. I can’t make the past better somehow by holding on, I can only make my present and future better by letting go.
.-= gitz´s last blog ..Brought to You by the Letter G =-.
I really exist in a duality on this issue. While sometimes, I’m almost afraid that I forgive too fast, others, I hold onto grudges and find myself loaning the “betrayer” much too much living space in my heart.
However, beyond that, where I think my TRUE issues with forgiveness lie is having the power to forgive myself.
I will, have, and do regularly forgive and justify the actions of others than I cannot forgive of myself. I find myself beating myself up for years over mistakes I have made.
@Reese Thanks for the encouragement. I am a hugger so I would except that hug.
What a difficult but needed prayer every morning. God let me get out of the way and let you be in my way of actions today.
.-= Kyle Reed´s last blog ..Twitter Strategy =-.
This is the first time I’ve seen your blog…but what an awesome topic! As someone who camped out in the desert of bitterness for 8 years, I have to say that for me, forgiveness was (& still is) a deliberate choice – a really tough one. Once I came to the point that God was more important than everything else – my pride, my feelings, my sense of fair play – I actually felt lighter and freer than I had in over 8 years. And He asks me to forgive. To let HIM take care of business. And does He ever!! I’ve been transformed because of Him. It all started with forgiveness. Him – me…and then living it and doing to others what He has done for me. Forgive doesn’t necessarily equal forget. Or reconciliation. What it means is that you no longer have given Satan that toe-hold in your heart. Forgiveness is a testimony. Like one of those huge piles of rocks that the Israelites put together after God “took care of business”. Standing Stones. People see those, and say, what that’s about?…and you have the opportunity to tell them what God has done. He’s amazing!
I’m usually quick to forgive, but I am also quick to store up bitterness and resentment which I think is more harming that unforgiveness. I have to work toward being vocal about how their actions made me feel, etc. in order to release all of the hurt. I tend to store it all up and stay upset about it in order to avoid the conflict that comes with confrontation and reconciliation.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..Live for Today =-.
I’m only 18 and I’ve had to learn this lesson the hard way already. When I was about 14 I heard a sermon on forgiveness and my youth pastor said “How can you expect forgiveness if you’re not forgiving others?”
At the time I was a very young christian (only a few months) and this concept was confusing to me, but it made sense because it seemed like after my honey moon period i began hitting this wall in my faith and I wasn’t growing. and It was definitely because of all the bitterness and resentment in my heart towards my mother who had abandoned me and my sister’s father who had physically emotionally, and sexually abused me when I was 8-10.
I called him that night and through tears I told him how bad he had hurt me and how it had really caused a lot of pain in my life but I no longer was allowing that pain to have an affect on my life. I told him I loved him, and forgave him and hope God would make a big change in his life. His response was “okay” and it kinda through me for a loop but I was so relieved.
This huge bitterness in my heart was completely gone and filled with joy and God’s love and mercy. I grew from there and have learned to always be quick to forgive and while forgetting is still an on-going process if ever my past hurts come up I hit my knees and pray for God to take them away
There is one particular situation in my life where it took some years but I believe I have fully forgiven. Consequently I’ve also set a boundary with that person. And I struggle with it lately wondering, is it OK to hold that person at length? If you have boundaries, have you really truly forgiven them? Or does that conflict with the whole essence of forgiveness? I don’t know.
Someone once told me “forgive & forget” doesn’t mean you don’t remember. It means you don’t harbor it against them in your heart & mind.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Dreams & such =-.
Amen. Plus Jesus said in the Lord’s Prayer that whatever you forgive will be forgiven you. All of us have things that we need to seek forgiveness for and we all need to give it!! Jesus forgave us when he said “Father forgive them for they know not what they do!”I have a family member who is holding on to unforgiveness and it has ruined her witness as a Christian. Thanks for letting me go on,on,on, !!!
.-= Cindy Brown´s last blog ..Acceptance of Salvation is the Individual’s Responsibility =-.
i so desire to have a heart that is fast to forgive. at the same time, i think historically in my attempts to do that, i’ve just “not dealt” with stuff. i’ve swept it under the rug, wearing a mask of forgiveness… i want—NEED—it to be real. authentic. genuine. and that can only come after i fully face and feel the hurt. i’m working through some deep forgiveness right now, and it’s a daily choice. really it’s a moment-by-moment choice. but one i want to continue to make. for freedom’s sake.
.-= alece´s last blog ..casting my cares =-.
I’m thankful the Lord enabled me to be fast to forgive my late wife when she revealed a deception she maintained for our entire 30 year marriage. I didn’t know at the time that she would be heaven within a few weeks–forgiven by God and by me. Praise God!
.-= Jim Marr´s last blog ..Hello world! =-.
Did this a long time ago with a family member, okay, it was alot of family members. But yesterday I stretched myself and visited one of them, right out of the blue. Not seen this person in 9 years.
Forgiveness is so good for the soul, even if the other person does not know it has been given.
Take care,
Amy
AA teaches to “pause” when you become angry. Anger/hurt is a normal human emotion. When it carrys over to the next day/week/month/year is when it becomes a resentment.
When forgiving, I try to look at others that have hurt me as “spiritually sick.” This is not to sound condescending, for I am often times spiritually sick.
How do you treat a sick person?
.-= Jody´s last blog ..Too tired =-.
@Heather: I read your comment and I totally understand where you’re coming from. I have someone in my life I’m holding at arm’s length because she’s mentally ill and I know being in that relationship would just be feeding into it. I haven’t been able to figure out when it’s the right thing to step away and when it’s the right thing to put myself in those situations.
Wish I had a good answer for you, but at least wanted you to know I struggle with that, too.
.-= gitz´s last blog ..Brought to You by the Letter G =-.
Good word Jody!
pete…you rock…great post…so glad you are our friend…mike.
@Bill Renfrew
Thank you! Those were the words I was looking for: Boundaries and vulnerabilities.
I think as Christians we want to show people that we are different. We want to represent God’s love and forgiveness. But it can be hard because we are only human.
This is huge…dealing with this with my dad right now. I’m in the process of forgiving him. I desire to forgive him and allowing God to do that work in my life but I agree with @Andy I think it was about do you have to reconcile? I can forgive him but what does our relationship look like after that? The comments were encouraging, gave me something to grasp onto because forgiveness is such an abstract idea…can’t touch or feel it when it’s complete except to know God’s healing and peace over the situation. I’m trusting that’s His promise to me and everyone on here!