Why Men Don’t Listen
I don’t think any of us would argue that there are monumental differences between men and women. Anyone who’s been married longer than seven minutes can probably make a laundry list of differences. I read an interesting article HERE last week which talked about some of the neurological differences between men and women. The article states…
The male brain also produces less serotonin and oxytocin
than the female brain. Serotonin helps to calm us down and oxytocin helps us with bonding behaviors.
So what does all this mean? I don’t have a CLUE since my brain is clearly missing a few essential ingredients. 
Well, according to the article, it means men may not take in as much conversation as women do, because they have fewer verbal centers designated for it. It also means your husband will most likely want to end conversations more quickly than you do. Apparently the male brain may also rejuvenate differently than the female brain. Men like to chill out more than women do. Women may want to bond at the end of the day to rejuvenate and feel connected, because of the oxytocin found in their brains.
My advice…
Men: Scripture calls us to “seek to understand” (1 Peter 3:7) our wives. Your temptation will be to tell her why she shouldn’t feel this way or that way. You’ll want to tell her how she’s overreacting or being silly. However, your calling, is not to explain to her why she shouldn’t feel the way she feels but to simply “seek to understand” why she feels the way she feels.
How do we do this? We need to listen. Listen more, fix less. Listen more, explain less. Listen more, argue less.
Women: Clearly the lack of oxytocin leaves us somewhat relationally challenged. You guys mature so much faster than we do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. In fact, I’m not sure we ever catch up to your relational intelligence.
We love you. We really do. Sometimes we just need a little extra grace along the way.
One of my mentors shared with me years ago the value of being a great listener. Sadly, I have focused more on being a good listener in my workplace than at home. I also try to be a “fixer” when my wife just wants to vent and have a friend on the other side of the conversation. Seesh, lots to work on…..
.-= Dan´s last blog ..To Lead Or Not To Lead, That Is The Question =-.
Oxytocin is actually a very interesting hormone. It does relate to bonding. It also is released when a woman goes into labor, and causes lactation, which also aids in bonding during breastfeeding. In general, though, woman have 10 times as much oxytocin in their body at any given time than a man does. The only time a man’s level is ever the same as a woman’s is at the point of orgasm. I think that provides some interesting insights into women’s views on relationships and men’s views on sex. Kind of a different issue than you were talking about, but maybe some different food for thought…
.-= Mandy´s last blog ..Pumpkins! =-.
Thoughtful analysis…sharing the link on my FB.
.-= pendy´s last blog ..Flashback Friday: Trick or Treat =-.
Reminds me of a converstion I had with my hubby once. The TV was on, but we weren’t watching. I was talking about something, and it reminded me of something else, which reminded me of something else. Then a commercial came on and I commented on it before seamlessly going back to what I was telling my hubby (back to the first topic). He had a look of amazement on his face and he interrupted me (which he NEVER does) and asked, “How do you do that?” He was referring to the twists and turns I took to only go back to the beginning. I just laughed. The cool part? He was able to repeat everything I had said.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..SuperMom! =-.
@Mandy, now that’s something I didn’t know.
Gonna pass this along to hubby, for sure…..hopefully he will stop giving one of my sons a wedgie and take the time to read/listen.
.-= *~Michelle~*´s last blog ..Proverbs 19:17 =-.
We have two daughters so we’ve got my hubs surrounded. Quite often my girls and I will go from topic to topic and back again at the dinner table and my husband will try to get in on the conversation but usually ends up sounding like part of an Abbott and Costello routine..who? what? who? where? He tries though so God Bless him!
In our early married days he may have said to me one time-’just give me the bottom line’ at which point I kindly reminded him I was not his employee and I need words. Lots and lots of words. He gets that now. We’ve been married 25 years and we’ve got our communication thing down pat…he is an excellent listener and I try not to talk his ear off about every little thing…see, even my comment is wordy!
.-= joyce´s last blog ..If you need me I’ll be in the kitchen with my German English dictionary =-.
Is that why my family always says “We TOLD you that! But anytime you’re in front of that computer, you never hear us….!!! But maybe it wouldn’t be wisest to tell them “I can’t take in as much conversation as you can.” Can just hear them answer “then shut off that %@?*&! computer!”
For all our frustrating real-life incidents like that, my wife and I feel we must have done something right. We were very proud of our two kids last week. We watched them both receive a “Mayors’Leadership Award,” signed not only by both local mayors but by our state Governor (Wyoming), for what they’ve done in hiring and training the handicapped. We all believe in “loving our neighbors,” and that’s just part of it. But we were proud parents. We felt like not only had the two cities honored them, but God had too. So maybe one of us, at least (probably my wife) had enough oxytocin to get some bonding and teaching done.
Mandy — Interesting… perhaps we need to find a way to keep our husbands in perpetual orgasm then, so that they’ll have the level of those hormones they so desperately need in order for us to communicate effectively. Could be a very interesting project!
Pete, I’m going to print and laminate this post, and stick it on our fridge. Food is the way to a man’s heart, so the fridge would make the ideal information central, eh?
I’m a great listener because I don’t really like talking. I try to make people talk as much as possible so I don’t have to say anything…
@Pete A., that is HUGE. Congrats to you and your family.
Just a PS – you got me thinking, and it’s hard to stop. Think I should give my wife (as opposed to me) some very serious credit for the way our two kids turned out. She did some very outstanding bonding way back when they were little. Our TV wore out, and she sensed God didn’t want to replace it. After a few grumbles, I went along.
We were without a TV for more than 5 years. But in that time, Yvonne gave the kids her time. They bonded. They all read books, listened to tapes, gardened, did crafts, made jewelry out of stones they found, and even built furniture. By the time we did get another TV (when a neighbor said “OH! You can’t POSSIBLY get along without a TV! Here’s my old one!”), both kids’ characters and interests were well formed. One result? Last weeks’ Mayors’ Leadership Awards for both of them.
Another readon to bless our wives!
Karen tells me I have a built in audio recall function that kicks in when I’m not listening to her which enables me to accurately recite the last 8 seconds of anything she says.
“Men like to chill out more than women do”…I’m not sure what to do with this.
I vividly remember my honeymoon…beautiful island, super hot wife, good food, beach…and all those things that will not be named {insert blush here}. What did my husband do most evenings?? Watch cartoon network! That’s right folks.
10 years later. 4 kids later. And there are moments when I think he has no clue what I am talking about…and that’s even after getting rid of cable! Having some sort of brain issue would explain a lot.
.-= jessica´s last blog ..Gratitude: My Father’s World =-.
As much as I always wanted to be married, there are moments when listening to my friends complain about their husbands not listening that I’m ok with just having a dog. He doesn’t always do what I say, but he hangs on every word.
.-= gitz´s last blog ..Brought to You by the Letter F =-.
Too funny!!!!
“Am I boring you, sweetie??” ha!
Though my husband doesn’t really ever try to fix or negate my concerns or issues in life, there definitely is arguing sometime simply b/c he didn’t hear what I was saying.
There are plenty of times though, where I would like more of his input and feedback – only to find that he’s drifted off to never never land…
So Oxytocin is super glue and Seratonin is Ridlin for relationships.
And taking Mandy’s advice, if I were to go home and tell my wife how a man gets more super glue…
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..I’m so stupid… and so are you! =-.
Bill – my husband has that very same talent – I thought it was just him!
Some studies have indicated that there are significant differences in how introverts and extroverts process information and communicate based on brain differences, as well.
Introverts have more blood flow to the brain than extroverts, which indicates that they are more “internally” sensitive. Introverts also have a more complicated (winding) internal blood pathways so that planning, processing, and remembering, and solving problems involve a 7-step process. Extroverts, on the other hand, have short and relatively uncomplicated processing pathways involving only 5 steps. Even the neurotransmitters used by the brain are different: introverts’ brains rely mostly on acetylcholine and extroverts’ brains rely mostly on dopamine. (These facts and more can be found in “The Introvert Advantage: How To Thrive in an Extrovert World” by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.)
When you take into account the brain differences in temperament and gender, the wide diversity of cultures and religious views in this world, and just the weird quirks of individual personality, it’s truly amazing that any couple can fall in love and become “one,” isn’t it?
Great post, Pete! It’s refreshing to know there are men out there who are willing to try, even though it probably feels like a losing battle more often than not… I’m also blessed with a husband who “seeks to understand”. Willingness to continue to improve communication and plow through the difficult is one of the things I’m most thankful for in my husband. That list is long, but that one is at the top!
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Oh Please, Make It Stop =-.
Can I recommend a book which is full of illuminating stuff like this that I read when I was about 17?
“Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps” by Allan and Barbara Pease.
I actually took it to my driving instructor to argue why I shouldn’t be expected to parallel park well at certain times of a monthly cycle (something to do with hormones helping with spatial awareness if I remember correctly).
It is kinda funny to read though.
.-= Brunettekoala´s last blog ..Thank you for wise women in my life =-.
A great book to help understand this is The X and Y of Buy. It’s about how to market to each sex. Explains how each brain works, chemically. You would love it!
.-= Aaron B. Reddin´s last blog ..Parents have influence on drug use. Who knew?? =-.
@Tony York, I love your description for both!
Awesome!!
Can anyone tell me where I can buy me some serotonin and oxytocin?
So… You’re saying the wedgies should stop after we turn 18? Interesting…
Seriously, though, great post. I like your point. Understanding our differences does not give us excuses to be bad husbands, it should motivate us to work harder for the relationships that matter most.
.-= Chuck Allen´s last blog ..Handling the Silent Treatment =-.
Well that explains it all!
.-= DisneyCyndi´s last blog ..Sunday Mind Dump (through the eyes of the wife). =-.
Given that God made both kinds of brains and that we want to assume He has a good reason behind pairing a creature who really likes to talk in order to connect, with a creature who not only has trouble talking but now we find has trouble listening….
does anybody have any ideas about the benefit of this set up?
@Gina…
I think the first Chapter of James sums it up… something about building character.
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..I’m so stupid… and so are you! =-.
I am so glad its God’s fault for creating me not to listen. I’m glad he’s on my side
.-= Nick´s last blog ..Hope in Despair =-.
Great Post Pete!!
I just finished reading a book called ‘His Brain, Her Brain’ by Walt and Barb Laramore that was all about oxytocin and seratonin, testosterone etc… It really is like we are missing a few ingredients in our brains!!
I try to keep remembering from James…Slow to speak, Quick to listen! But my problem solver always wants to fix it.
.-= Stu Gray´s last blog ..Let’s Talk: Affection =-.
This was really good.
I knew it was God’s doing!
.-= Robin´s last blog ..A Hallerina, Captain Crunch and the face of Jesus… =-.
“Lily” must be a guy… the strong, silent type!
Great post…Interesting to understand differences and work to close the gaps to better communication and understanding between the sexes.
.-= tasithoughts´s last blog ..Rob Thomas: Mockingbird and the other Cradlesong Tracks =-.
Thanks for the tip Pete. I’ll keep it in mind.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Make A Difference Monday =-.
Atta way to suck up Wilson! (jk)
I had someone send me something for the radio show I’m doing that says men’s brains also process women’s voices as music and we tend to drown things out like music in the background at work.
.-= Jason´s last blog ..Daffy Duck bandages and God =-.
@Jason
Fran Drescher’s voice does not equal music!!
.-= Tony York´s last blog ..I’m so stupid… and so are you! =-.
Amen, and a-MEN! Thanks for sharing this, Pete. Great stuff, really.
.-= Jeff Goins´s last blog ..How to Get People to Read Your Blog =-.