I mentioned to you guys the other day that I just finished “Revolutionary Parenting”. Here’s a quote which floored me. I always thought a good parent would keep their kids really busy. If we keep them busy we keep them out of trouble right?
“Surveys have shown that one of the major points of stress for children these days is their packed schedules. Our surveys have found that stress levels among adolescents and teens match those of adults. Kids admit to feeling overwhelmed by the quantity of responsibilities thrust upon them, from homework to sports, music lessons to church events, household chores to relational expectations, media intake to hobbies.”
I think it was Andy Stanley who once said, we’re raising a generation of kids who are “experience rich” but “relationship poor”. This is convicting when I think about my main mission as a parent is to raise kids who ultimately love God and love people. While I would love for them to be a team player, to have a some experience traveling, and to be well rounded at the end of the day I want them to be relationship rich.
Isn’t it true it’s “relationships” not “experiences” at the end of the day which actually set them up for success in life? Isn’t it “relationship” not “experiences” which will equip them to handle so many of the situations they’ll face?
Do you think we’re stressing our kids out with all the opportunities these days? As parents, do we need to step in and limit what they do so they don’t get burned out? How are you guys finding balance in all of this?
Well, Im not a parent yet, but I was a school teacher so I’ve seen my fair share of burnt out kids. As with everything in life I think there needs to be a healthy balance with all we do, and that includes our kids too. Letting a child just be a child and go out and play with other children is an important aspect to growing up as well. Most of my most fondest memories of childhood was gong out and riding bikes around the neighboorhood and playing with friends, making up games etc.
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@maureen, that’s a good word.
I’m a college student who had parents that realized this very early on. When I was growing up, in order to join a new organization, sport, or activity, we were required to write out a “priority list” of all activities we were currently involved in and where this one would fit in. I despised this exercise when I was growing up because I knew it wouldn’t fit in and I wouldn’t be able to do it. However, now that I’m grown, I appreciated my parents so much for it. They never pushed me to do things, just wanted me to be happy and with as little stress as possible.
Heather’s last blog post..+maybe the simple life is more the way to go
GREAT question Pete! As parents to four (soon to be five), my bride and I wrestle with this question a lot!
Sherri and I are currently waiting for you to answer this question so we will know how to guide our five children. So go ahead Pastor and answer this question… many lives are hanging in the balance… many lives!
Yes and yes. I’ll take some do-overs if you’re handing them out. Don’t get me wrong – my kids are great. I just have a few regrets about those “formative years.” Stick to your parenting mission, Pete. You won’t regret it.
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You know, I find myself sometimes thinking my kids aren’t in enough things and then I remember reading something similar to what you read somewhere. I wasn’t in anything growing up … it wasn’t in the budget in my home, but I had a great time growing up … using our imagination, camping, playing outside, going on “adventures.” That is what is great and memorable. My kids are in two activities a week (one is homeschool p.e. in the a.m. on Friday) and that is enough. Since we homeschool, the temptation to do lots is there as we have plenty time for lots of activity. But, we have chosen not to overschedule … and our kids learn limits and to relax and spend time reading and being creative if I am not filling their time to the brim. Plus, they get to hang out with us … mom and dad … and we get the privelege of hanging out with them and enjoying them and seeing life through their eyes. That’s time we will not get back if we pass it up. Relationship is way more important than activity! Great post!
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I often felt guilty that my children were not involved in all the sports and activities that I have seen other families cram into their lives. But that is how it made me feel….crammed and suffocated. I am too laid back to tend to a packed schedule. *shudder*
Thankfully, my boys are all into the same sport as their dad…motocross. And even though we had our own parking spot at the ER…we did it *all* as a family
Each of the kids has their own niche, some are sports related but thankfully different seasons (basketball is finally over for us!)and I am so happy to not have over-the-top achievers where it can get taken to an unhealthy level (parents and children alike….you know those hard-core parents who get totally out of control at games….yikes!) For example, my son has been starting Varsity since he was a sophomore, he loves basketball and all….but he is not obsessed with it where our whole family is wrapped up in his “career”. We support him and just want him to be happy doing what he likes to do. Oh, a little shout out that he loves the fact that when he “dunks” his tattoo (Philippians 4:13) that was done on his inner forearm is displayed nicely. I kid you not….that was the main reasons he got it placed where he did, lol.
..and with a new skateboard/BMX park opening near the basketball courts and jungle gym for my youngest…..I can bring everyone, including the dog, to the town park and kill 5 birds with one stone (I really don’t like that term, do you?…anyway, you get my drift)
so now that I wrote a novel….I’ll just wrap it up with I do think that family time is WAY more important than shuffling everyone’s individual schedules into the week.
oh, and we are finding that bowling keeps us out of the ER more.
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i can completely agree with this. my son is just now 9 years old. in Kindergarten and 1st grade he only played Upward Basketball and then in 2nd he started piano lessons and played Upward again. this year in 3rd grade we’ve only had 3 activities at a time and one of those ends soon and we don’t let them take over our lives. my son has always just wanted to be at home to play so we have carefully added only activities that he wants to do and that are enriching in some way.
i know several young children who are never at home due to ballgames, never eat dinner with their family, arrive home at 9 or 10 at night and are always on the go and their parents wonder why their behavior is so horrible. they have no quiet time to decompress and they are just exhausted. but parents don’t seem to realize this and get angry at the adults like coaches and teachers when they have to discipline the child.
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I’ve seen anxiety in elementary-aged children from the amount of homework and the academic expectations they have, and it breaks my heart. It took my niece over a month to adjust to the workload of 3rd grade–and when I looked at her homework a lot of it was just busy work. I think we (teachers, family, church, etc.) need to be thoughtful and intentional when we ask/expect/allow children to do things and leave a lot of unplanned time….because it’s in that unplanned time that children ask questions, seek you out with a problem, relax, experience quality time in relationship, etc.
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@Paul, Five? Dude I’ll be praying for you guys. Seriously, that’s awesome!
We only allow our children one activity at a time. With 3 kids with one activity each we still “keep the road hot.” I want my kids to be able to be home and play outside. Is that not an activity anymore?
Yes,yes,yes — parents (and kids) are so afraid they’re going to miss out on being the next great star or athlete that they stretch themselves way to thin.
Even with only one child, it was one activity at a time. Anything more and you do a disservice to yourself and whatever activities they’re trying to do simultaneously.
Another rule was always Family Comes First. LL baseball schedules makeup game on weekend we’re going camping? Too bad – we go camping.
I’ve seen firsthand the burnout and injuries (OMG the injuries!) involved with over involvement.
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I think it has more to do with recognizing the individual person’s temperament. I have raised 4 kids, that are now young adults.
Two really needed day-dream/inspiration time…time that was unstructured that often produced creativity in the arts. Both are very philosophical ruminators and thrived when ample time to explore a thought, experience or activity was available.
The other two craved structure, scheduling and lists. They thrived on maximizing/packing their days and nights full of active experiences. Deadlines and boundaries were their friends. Those parameters enabled them to “squeeze it all in” with satisfaction.
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I wish I had had more of this as a child, as early as middle school I was up until 2/3 in the morning completing my homework because I was in sooo many activities after school and with practices and piano lessons. I hardly ever had dinner at home with the family in high school and one night my mom said I talked in my sleep in spanish because I had been up until 3 am studying for a test the next day. It’s tooo much. Because those habits were set as a child they crept over into my collegiate life where I ended up staying awake 3/4 days straight all the time just to get everything done on time. Again, I found myself over committed and burnt out and very unhealthy. I was always sick, put on the “sophomore-25″ and was falling asleep anywhere and everywhere I could at a moment’s notice. Sure, it has something to do with my personality and the way I was wired, but I wish they would’ve helped “guide” me through that instead of just allowing it to happen as a child. Inadvertantly they showed me that “things” and “success” were more important that people and quality time. (Funny, that’s my love language) Now I have to work EXTRA hard at not over committing myself and living a balanced, healthy lifestyle but it’s sooo worth it! I get 8 hours of sleep now every night
and love people a lot more!
I think one of the things we forget is that kids are very aware of the inherently broken qualities in the world around them, I can remember as a little kid (5 or 6) talking to the other kids at school about things like our parents not having jobs or missing their bills etc. Then take a look at our educational culture where kids are told from an early age that if they screw up it’ll ruin their whole life(a friend of mines 8 year old was told that she’d never get into a good college if she didn’t get a good grade in 2nd grade math) and then take the fear driven culture we live in and yeah, kids are gonna be completely stressed to the gills. Plus look at the average working class family where both parents need to work to make ends meet, so the kids are either latch key or they’re plugged into all kinds of after school programs and extracurriculars. What you wind up with is a generation of kids who are living in a psychological pressure cooker.
I have 5 kids, from 23 down to age 11. Here’s my take on it:
1. It’s important to eat dinner together as a family, every night if you can, even if sacrifices have to be made.
2. We limited them as kids to one activity per season, each. Otherwise, it was too easy to find ourselves living in the car. Plus, you have to make time for your marriage–you can’t have it all revolve around the kids’ activities!
3. Band is a superb choice for kids. Keep them motivated to try an instrument in 5th grade and stick with it. High school is the payoff. At that point, it’s major fun, tons of friendships, and even travel (my dd’s are heading off to Disney next week to march in the Main Street Parade, and one of them got to go to London 2 years ago with the band).
4. Our kids get a job when they are 16. We’ve been lucky to kind of start a little dynasty at the local library. 12 hours a week teaches them a lot about money, responsilibity, and time management.
That’s my 4 cents. And I’m learning from the other comments as well. I still have an 11-year-old and am still hoping to improve my parenting skills, so keep ‘em coming!
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This has been an easy decision for my family. I, the mommy, tend to get overwhelmed if we have too many activities going on. Therefore, we limit the number of activities the kids are involved in. I think it’s best for kids to have plenty of time to be kids, and time together as a family is huge!! I have been tempted to keep up with those families whose kids are in everything, but I’m glad we have stuck to our plan. Relationships over Experiences is good.
p.s. Do you know when last Sundays message video will be on iTunes?
. I am looking forward to watching.
Pete, thanks for addressing this. This is a huge problem in 21st-century America. I’ve got two young boys at home and have worked with teens in some capacity for nearly 20 years. It’s so obvious to me that we as parents must monitor more closely and limit the amount of “extra” activities in which our kids are involved. We confuse giving our kids what’s “best” for them with involving them in more and more “good” things. Many of us in our twenty’s, thirty’s and forty’s are driven to succeed and experience life to it’s fullest, and we’re teaching our kids to have the same mentality. To take a page from Gordon MacDonald’s classic, “Ordering Your Private World”, we’ve got to move from being driven, which ultimately causes burn-out, to being called, which leads to fulfillment. Keeping up with the Joneses used to require conscious effort. Now it’s second nature to design our schedules to look like just like everyone elses. Buck the trend! Less really can be more!
I am the mother of 4 kids – two teens and two toddlers. Some days my life feels like it’s all over the place.
A long time ago (when it was just the first two kids) we instigated a rule about only ONE activity per child per season. THEY (the children) had to decide which activity meant more to them at that time. We of course helped guide them, but by them deciding, they had to learn that you can’t do/can’t have everything you want whenever you want. It made the chosen activity that much more meaningful to them, and they tended to put more into it. That has also allowed them time to “be” just a kid at the same time and not feel so overwhelmed.
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My daughter isn’t even 2 yet, so I don’t have any wisdom or experience to share. But my parents always limited our extracurricular activities when my brother and I were growing up, and I understand why…now. I’ll tell you that at the time, I hated that rule! But until we were in high school, we were only allowed to do 3 extra things. And one had to be youth group at church, and one had to be Camp Fire/Boy Scouts – so really, we only got to pick one thing. And we both took piano lessons, so really, there just wasn’t room for anything more.
I hated that as a child. As an adult, I’m thankful for it.
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Obviously not a parent, but I’m an aunt to 10 so I’m going to put in my 2 cents anyway.
Yep, I think they can be way over-committed. I’ve seen the stress and burnout in some of my nieces and nephews… and it really makes me sad because they’re not learning how to balance, prioritize and relax. The other thing I notice is that they don’t know how to have downtime. They always need to be entertained or be doing a specific activity.
We lived on a farm outside of town growing up, so we didn’t get to be in a ton of activities or play at other houses when we were little. But we explored, used our imaginations and found ways to entertain ourselves… I don’t think I would have grown up to be a writer if I wouldn’t have had the space to think and create. I wish more kids had that.
Mostly, I wish they could worry less and enjoy more. They’ll have enough pressure as adults… it’s ok to just be a bored kid that gets to find a way to entertain themselves and figure out what makes them happy. Activities are good… team players are good… but space is good too.
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We have one child who’s almost 3 – and he will be an only child. And since he is an only child, it’s tough to not feel guilty about having him more involved for social quality time. But what we’re discovering is that the freedoms we have with only one child can be a blessing to him – allowing us to do things WITH him that we may not be able to do with multiple kids. Downtime is big for us and it’s good to see him already taking interest in playing by himself after “school” and reading quietly, etc.
We’ll probably stick to the one activity of his choice (outside youth group and volunteer or work time) as he gets older. It’s a standard we were raised with, too.
As a momma to 3 very busy boys, I completely have to pick and choose extra curricular for them. They do one sport at a time and that is it. Even all the good things I want them to be involved in, has to be watched closely. Sometimes for Wed. night church they just need to stay home bc its just been a busy week. They need to be taught how to manage their time and begin to see what it looks like AND feels like to be stressed and worn out.
The world is so full of so many things for them and I worry that some of the best things are being missed bc they are too busy.
Also, with my older ones, texting is all over the place and I worry about them forgetting how to have real conversations with people. Its easy to hide behind a phone.
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Wow. GREAT post. I’ve often thought that my kids were overwhelmed. The trick is trying to stop it when we ourselves are overbooked as well… I LOVE your “mission: raise kids who ultimately love God and love people”
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Our one and only just turned 20. He was allowed to be involved with one extracurricular activity during the school year. I witnessed many families involving their kids in so many activities and running from one thing to another eating McDonald’s for dinner in the car on the way, that it made me stressed out to hear their schedule. That seemed so ridiculous to me. When were the kids suppose to get their schoolwork done and then just play or relax at home? So many parents think their kids are prodigies and so from Pre-K on, they are pushing for them to be involved in everything they can think of so the college application looks impressive. The competition of the parents at the unhealthy expense of the kid make me sick. We’ve made many mistakes parenting, for instance, I don’t think our son saw us serving others enough through the years. But we definitely did not have a stressful schedule. And praise God, he’s doing well.
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One of my biggest pet peeves is how early kids are expected to start sports now. As a parent, you really are in a catch-22. If you don’t start them when they are 4 or 5, by the time they really want to play, likes say 9 or 10, then they are so far behind the other kids. Definitely a change from when I was growing up, and I don’t think it is for the better. With four kids of our own, it is hard to balance during some seasons. We homeschool, and I don’t think I could do the extras that we do if the kids were schooled outside the home. I don’t see how parents manage homework and all the extras. I’d go crazy(er).
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Pete,
You have just hit on the most passionate ‘nerve’ in my spirit. In 6 years of kids ministry, here is what I’ve learned. Parents (given the resources) would do anything to give their kids more than what they had. And they’ve made that their end goal. In LifeKIDS, my passion is to redefine mom and dad’s goal for their child. Their goal is not to raise a well-rounded kid. But to raise a kid that loves God with everything in them, then loves others more than themselves.
I’m in the middle of the book myself. And I’m soaking every bit of it up.
Now, go slap Bergstrom on the butt and tell him I said hi. No cupping.
@Terri, I’m with you. We’re struggling with that one right now. Sports seasons seem to last a lot longer these days than they used to as well.
@Jabberfrog, I promise, no cupping.
yes. we’re stressing out our kids. but that also stresses us out. and our kids feed off of that as well. it can be a vicious cycle really.
and i dont have a solution.
well. maybe i do.
mandatory family evenings of bon-bons, a movie and the couch.
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I absolutely think parents need to step in and set limits and boundaries for their kids. As a parent of 4 I often struggle with saying “no” to all of their activities due to the fact that I want them to experience as much as they can before they become adults, which, for my oldest is only a couple years away. The problem arises when they are so busy and over committed to various activities that the family is never together and I am fried from driving all the time. I have found that setting boundaries for myself is a healthy way to make sure they are not stressing out and getting burned out.
One area my husband and I cracked down on years ago was limiting each kid to one sport per season. That means, summer is baseball, fall is football. No two sports at once it is just too much. We take winter off. Everyone needs a break especially the parents and during the holidays is a great time for family game nights and friends. They are only ours for a short while so yes, relationships are the very most important thing we can teach them.
I don’t have kids yet but I would say that it is relationships that are more important than experiences.
This is very true with missions in Germany. Not that there is anything wrong with this but there really isn’t a high focus of building a church building in Germany. Lasting change happens through relationship building. It seems this is what Jesus was/is into.
Yes, they are over-stressed! I’m a sahm with a “Nanny” job so I get to spend time with my kids. One is in band and is a very social butterfly, the oldest is in choir, president of an organization at school and has a part-time job and our family gets CRAZY trying to keep up with schedules and such!!! I cannot imagine if I did not get to stay home…although maybe they wouldn’t do anything then!!!
Chores: mine switch off cleaning the kitchen each week, are responsible for putting their clean, folded clothes away and giving me the dirties and that is about it!
Our biggest challenge: CHURCH! Sunday morn family, Sunday night youth service, Wed. night home group! I will not ask them to give it up, though…they need to be there for encouragement to get through the week at public school!
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I think some kids are burnt out while others have completely given in to sloth, cyber-reality and video gaming. In general, I tend to promote activities that involve real-life interaction with a human being.
I think sometimes we try to live vicariously through our children and push them to get involved in activities because we wish we had done more, etc. Our kids are a reflection of us–parents–and our priorities. Our pastor two weekends ago brought up a wonderful point: We, as Americans don’t REALLY WORK very hard…but, we also don’t do a very good job relaxing (Sabbath). So, we create this sub-chaotic level of activities to pass the time. Observing the Sabbath (a command, not a recommendation) enables one to take a breath and redirect his/her labor. We are slowly trying to bring Sabbath in to our family as it makes us more productive and focused in the long run. I did not have the modeled in my life so it is a struggle to observe this commandment for me.
Perhaps the best way out of this situation is to evaluate our schedules as parents and see if we are truly modeling what we want in our children.
Our children’s activities were automatically limited due to finances. We homeschooled on one income that just did not allow for many extras. My biggest problem was over-committing myself and modeling a crazy schedule for my kids.
Realizing that I am just ONE person and prioritizing my activities has helped us all. And it is an ongoing process where EVERY activity must be scrutinized and weighed to see if it fits. Even now, the question tossed around among us is, “How many people do you think you are?”
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I learned that lesson many years ago (when you were a little tyke, Pete) when my oldest daughter said, “Mom, what night can we just play?”
When I was pregnant with our first child, a friend with 3 older children advised me, “Never. Ever. Over-commit your family because you want to keep up with your friends.” I often see & hear her in my head reminding me of it. Must be seared in there thanks to pregnancy hormones.
We limit our family to 3 evening activities a week. If we don’t, we end up off routine, overtired, and having gone days without actually connecting as a family.
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My husband and I face it now as our five toddlers, Yes we have five children under the age of 3. We get asked to play dates, birthday parties, etc. We have made the decision that there needs to be “free” time in our lives so that our children are not “over-scheduled” and do not have stress in their lives that is unneeded. We pray that God will guide us and give us wisdom when our children get older to raise them in the right balance. But really I am just trying to make it through potty-training. LOL
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My parents limited what my sister and I did growing up. We got to pick what we wanted to stick with and roll with that. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything and today I am SO thankful for it. My sister and I just LOVE when our family sits in a coffee shop for hours talking about life together…to just sit, talk, and be together.
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I wouldn’t necessarily limit this to only children who are burned out. I would say a large part of society feels this way. Even now that I am in college, and can make my own decisions, I feel burned out because of all the things I am expect to do in order to set myself up for that perfect job. If I did all the work I was supposed to do, I would have no time for forming relationships of any sort. We are being trained from a young age to serve the machine. Our technology and connectivity based society is just fueling this.
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I’ve got them all from a senior in HS to one in kindergarten. Five total. What is interesting is that it seems the teachers are taking an interest in burnt out kids. I suppose that when half of them sleep through your class, then you might observe that there’s a problem.
What I find interesting is that I’ve got to hold them back from signing up for everything. I don’t push them that much, but they end up pushing themselves.
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I used to be a preschool/kindergarten teacher. It was bewildering to me, that kids at that age, had days scheduled to the max with NO playtime!! Now play based curriculums are being passed over for the academic kind. Yes I believe kids should have outside activities and academics are important. However, today’s society is so rat raced why is it necessary to push kids? I find kids are no longer able to be just that, kids. They are becoming more grown up like all the time. Needless to say, I no longer teach but as a parent I realize the necessity for slowing down and not having every minute of my child’s day scheduled.
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