Destroying My Marriage?
Every once in a while God puts someone in your life you know is a gift from the first time you meet them. Several years ago I had the opportunity to serve on church staff with Justin Davis. Justin and his wife Trish quickly became close friends.
They’ve been through a lot over the past several years and have courageously gone first in hopes of giving others the gift of going second. They’ve written a series of blog posts entitled “The 8 Things That Destroyed Our Marriage”. You can read the posts on their blog HERE. In the first post Justin wrote…
How does a husband of 10 years, a father of 3 awesome boys and a pastor of a young and growing church choose to walk in one Sunday afternoon and tell his wife he wants to end it all? How do you get there? What are some of the ingredients to a marriage that hits rock bottom like that? Most of the mistakes we are going to share are in no particular order…but this first one is THE most important thing you can do to protect your marriage. It is simple, but hard. It seems churchy…and cheesy…but is so powerful. It is the most talked about thing, but the most overlooked thing in a “Christian” marriage. I believe if you never read another thing that I write, but correct this one thing, your marriage will change. This was our biggest mistake and this nearly destroyed our marriage…
#1- We rarely prayed together, and the way we prayed for each other was selfish.
I thought today we could sharpen each other and our marriages by talking about the one area that could potentially “destroy our marriages”.
I think Brandi and I would agree ours is “poor communication”. We don’t do it intentionally, but the natural by-product of our lives when things get busy is to stop communicating. We don’t sit down and share what’s going on in our hearts. We don’t take the time to listen well. We hold grudges. We get short with each other. We become strangers living in the same house.
It’s something we work on continually and refuse to give up on, but we both know we have a long way to go.
What’s one thing that is potentially keeping your marriage from being all that it can be?
53 Comments:
I think it’s also poor communication in our marriage…or miscommunication, as my husband likes to call it. After almost nine years, we don’t always communicate well.
Thanks for sharing Trish and Justin’s blog posts. I can’t wait to read them.
[Reply]
Jamie
5:34 am
Hands down … selfishness. Standing in your own “Me Bubble”.
[Reply]
New York Mary
5:36 am
I have read their blog series of “8 Things that Destroyed our Marriage”…AWESOME! Very nice to see people who are authentic and willing to write about the bad part of their lives to help others.
I agree with @New York Mary…Selfishness. Everything boils down to only thinking of myself/yourself.
Alison’s last blog post..Helpin’ my Sista Out!
[Reply]
Alison
5:45 am
Communication. When things are tough it always points back to the C word for us.
joseph’s last blog post..TRUST
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joseph
5:56 am
Even though I’m not married any longer and my marriage couldn’t have been saved anyway given the situation, I have since learned and thought back on my part in the downward spiral. My growth was stunted when it came to Christ, he was up there and I was back here. He had understanding and I didn’t.
You need to make sure your spouse is not walking behind you but walking beside you. I see to many “teams” charging ahead instead of putting that hand out for a “boost”.
Barbara’s last blog post..The Fifth Wheel
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Barbara
6:23 am
Pat Lencioni in his “Frantic Family” book says that family’s that just go through the motions (the everyday stuff) without some intermediate goals burn out. I think that can happen in marriage.. the schedule, the mundane can begin to suffocate dreams and goals.. and you just begin to exist together.
Jim Drake’s last blog post..Add Me Some Art To That Thar Educashun’
[Reply]
Jim Drake
6:32 am
Thank you for sharing this today
Its encouraging!
[Reply]
sarah
6:42 am
Thanks Pete. Great reminder.
Ours is just getting so busy we forget about each other.
Tommy Sircy’s last blog post..The Worst Thing
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Tommy Sircy
6:51 am
Ditto Jim D., just existing…
Accepting the mundane.
Our lives don’t intersect often enough. And it’s a very fine balance of listening…
Every now and again, my super-introverted hubbie will ask me to go to the tractor store (or some other seemingly mundane task) I try really hard to remember to stop and just go with him. Those are the “moments” that solidify our relationship. But, there are never enough “moments”.
It’s hard work, but worth it.
21 years of marriage and counting…
Dorothy Holland’s last blog post..creative fuZion lab //9// the leper’s story…
[Reply]
Dorothy Holland
6:56 am
I think one stumbling stone can be to forget where we came from. We all have baggage when entering into marriage. And we continue throughout our marriage packing those bags. It is so easy to forget how far we have come in the midst of marital warfare. I am not the same woman/wife I was on day one and neither is my spouse. I think we have grown so much as individuals and as partners. At one of our crossroads, we were both doubting our marriage I told my husband that he could leave and surely find another mate but he would still be that same wounded person with all of his baggage and he would find another person who was wounded with all their baggage. Why start over after we have come so far and unpacked so many bags together? Our commitment is real and we know it was a holy commitment that we made to God. I am so proud of all the things that my husband and I have overcome. Nobody EVER said marriage would be easy and I think that is why I appreciate mine!
[Reply]
Marla P
6:57 am
We tend to be such good friends—that we forget to intentionally focus on the romantic side of marriage. And, I believe God intented for us to have both.
[Reply]
Kelly
7:12 am
Thanks for sharing that.
From someone who almost lost his marriage, it is important to realize that nobody is immune.
Mr. Harmless’s last blog post..12 Year Old Speaks Out
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Mr. Harmless
7:15 am
Selfishness and not making time to “date” eachother.
[Reply]
Laura Morris
7:27 am
Surviving a long distance marriage due to the economy. We only see each other 1 weekend a month, however talk daily. I find that our daily talks are about issues going on in the home, work, etc, and not about us and our feelings. Does that fall under communication? Intimacy is sacred and hard to get to when the weekends are spent with family and trying to see his children and before you know it your heading to the airport and didn’t get any one on one time. Is that being selfish? I pray daily for strength, wisdom, and most of all support. Without him in my life I would be lost as he redirected me to “God”
[Reply]
Gina
7:27 am
Not showing appreciation for each other and notacknowledging what my husband has done and is doing daily to show me love.
[Reply]
Tori Pace
7:32 am
selfishness, lack of communication, powerlessness.
[Reply]
Gina
7:43 am
We totally forget to communicate, we become distant and assume the other has the worst intentions with the actions we do see, probably because of past baggage we carry around. And then we retreat from each other. But it is something we are aware of, this nasty cycle, and Justin and Trish are right, and I’m thankful for them for speaking up, prayer covering your marriage and focusing on God together is the only line of defense against and enemy who hates marriage as God intended.
tracie’s last blog post..My Esophagus, It Still Burns
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tracie
7:50 am
@laura morris, I need to initiate ‘dating’ more often!
[Reply]
pete wilson
7:52 am
wow…powerful stuff. I cannot wait to read the whole entry. I just got completely blindsided with this as it basically had my name written all over it:
#1- We rarely prayed together, and the way we prayed for each other was selfish.
How true. I am totally guilty of this. Thanks so much for posting this….off to read.
*~Michelle~*’s last blog post..Three Things This Thursday…….(Lost thoughts, Treats and Blessings)
[Reply]
*~Michelle~*
8:07 am
This one’s easy. I want to be superman to everyone except my family. I expect them to be there to recharge and support me. Pretty selfish, huh?
The thing is, I KNOW that it doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks if the ones at home don’t think the same. Its so hard to let go of that mantra that good Christians don’t say no to a chance to serve.
Somewhere there is a balance but its hard to see where that balance is when your eyes are on all the things that you THINK you have to juggle. Funny thing about juggling – you ARE looking up but, ultimately, you are focused short of what is important.
I am learning that I need to keep one arm free in order to ‘hug’ my family.
[Reply]
Tony York
8:36 am
When things get hard anywhere in my life, I withdraw. Things have been hard for sometime now and I fight this everyday. I am fighting it this morning in fact. I will read and pray and pray some more but in the end I just set and ponder my circumstance and what I have read without talking to my wife. Talking seems to take so much energy.
[Reply]
Harold
8:41 am
Ditto on the prayer. It just rarely happens…
ryan guard’s last blog post..100 + You
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ryan guard
9:16 am
I linked to Justin’s blog and yours on my post today. This is very thought-provoking!
Melinda’s last blog post..Prescription for Saving a Marriage
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Melinda
9:29 am
We’ve been married 17 years…communication is a big part of the wall that keeps our marriage from being what God has intended.
However, communication has two parts-verbal/physical and listening. For us, listening is our biggest problem.
The verbal/physical part of communication is done in so many different ways…we might yell, attack, or say something without thinking. We express appreciation with a “thank you”, discuss our dreams and goals as a team, simply saying “I love you.” We also communicate with our body language-arms folded across our chest, standing above someone when trying to get a point across, tears. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, a tender glance from across a crowded room.
The problem of listening for us, begins when we react to a negative verbal/physical communication. We react defensively. Instead of responding in Christ character with a genuine love, compassion and empathy for the other person, we accuse or attack each other. Negative communication occurs because someone is hurting. Positive communication is easy to respond in a loving way. It’s the negative that requires much from us and our reponse has the potential to cause severe damage.
If we just took the time to look at our spouse during this negative time and ask ourselves…what are they hurting about? How can I comfort them, assure them of my love. Remind ourselves that it’s not a personal attack…there is something deeper within going on. After all, we truly don’t want our spouse to be in emotional pain.
In spite of the negative Christ received during His time on earth, His responses were always full of love, compassion and hope. He thought not of Himself, but for the good of others and to glorify God.
Mare’s last blog post..Valentine’s Day
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Mare
9:33 am
We need to spend more time with God. Our time we need to spend with God, We know where we need to be and we know what our hearts are telling us but we have failed until about a month ago to give our marriage to God. Within this month there has been a change for the good. We knew what we needed to do we just had to do it..
[Reply]
Ashley Bridges
9:55 am
Pete,
My wife and I made our lent promise this year to spend each night praying together with each other before we go to sleep. Our small group has challenged each other to either give something up or do something intentionally positive.
[Reply]
Mark P
10:44 am
How we should spend money.
that’s the big one for us. We get a long really well but whenever I sense the “honey.. I think it’s time for a new computer” talk coming- I go into my “why does he always have to have the latest stuff?” mode- before trying to figure out if we really do need a new computer. ha!
I love the praying together idea. Maybe we can pray about a computer together.
[Reply]
britt
11:06 am
@Ryan Guard, have you ever figured out why praying with your wife is so difficult. I’ve met very few husband who’ve said it comes natural. We almost always have to make a commitment to do it regardless of how it feels.
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Pete Wilson
11:42 am
After reading and stopping at 27 comments, I’ve found spouses praying together is like sex together: fun and frightening. I’m into Nike prayers—just do it. Betty and I also ask each other 2 questions: “What are you looking forward to today?” “What are you concerned or scared of today?” The stunning answers form what we pray for each other.
[Reply]
Tom
11:54 am
Prayer and we have worked hard on this recently. The other would be thinking the other one knows what you want or need and getting angry when it does not happen but not asking or talking, just assuming that the other one knows. Silly I know
Jim’s last blog post..Fun day
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Jim
1:05 pm
I’m not married, but I think it’s okay to chime in on this one. I lost a relationship of 19 years (married 14 of those.) The pain of a family ripping themselves apart is excruciating! If I HAD TO choose only ONE THING that destroyed us I would say: wrong priorities.
He was consumed with being a financial provider when I felt I needed an emotional provider–someone who was willing to go beyond the sunshine and butterflies to the dark side of the moon with me.
I was consumed with being the best housewife and mom when what he really needed was a HOMEmaker, friend, and lover. (And I mean lover in the sense of agape lover. Unlike most divorced people I know, I have to honestly say the eros love/sex part wasn’t ever a big problematic issue for either of us.)
To anyone out there considering divorce, please, please, please give your marriage one last shot before you decide you’re done. If you have children, your relationship with your ex- will have to continue anyway. You will have to communicate anyway. You will have to “agree” or find solutions anyway. It will never be truly over. Never.
I know it looks greener on the other side of the fence (it may even BE greener), but it’s a LONG haul getting there. And when you do arrive, you’ll probably discover that floods and drought impact that part of the world, too.
[Reply]
ttm
1:37 pm
@ttm, Wow! Thanks so much for sharing from your heart.
[Reply]
Pete Wilson
2:34 pm
One thing that really messes us up is seeing (and expressing) the negative SO much more often than the positive. It sometimes gets to the point where we expect negativity from of one another and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So we’re trying to approach each interaction with fresh attitude, but it’s not always easy.
Amanda Sims’s last blog post..Waiting for My Real Life to Begin
[Reply]
Amanda Sims
2:37 pm
Good stuff Pete. (Can I say you get me with the shock twitters
I love ‘em)
I think we’re pretty solid, but even as I type this I cringe knowing that sometimes the enemy comes in when you think all is well…
We do pray together several nights a week, probably need more though ~
Robin Rane’ ~’s last blog post..Living My Legacy ~ 4
[Reply]
Robin Rane' ~
2:39 pm
The single greatest thing that my wife and I have experienced is praying together. About a year ago, only 6 years into our marriage, we began praying together. We found that to be a great time and opportunity to be vulnerable. It allowed us to share the most tender parts of our souls with each other. It truly brought us together. We often say that as we pursue God, it will draw us closer to each other. The reality is that it is true.
It has made our friendship stronger, our parenting stronger, our ministry stronger, our family stronger, our boys stronger and our physical intimacy much greater. It really has brought us so much closer together.
If it weren’t for praying together the past year might well have ended our marriage. Instead, it made it better. Pete, thanks for opening such a great line of discussion and sharing some truth!
Michael Robison’s last blog post..Prayer
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Michael Robison
2:40 pm
Ours would be lack of communication. David grew up in a family that held everything quiet, I grew up in one that laid everything on the table for all to see. We’ve not made a great effort to get to a happy medium. A lot of stuff is left unsaid for fear of hurting feelings or misunderstanding … any counselors around willing to take us on?
Meredith’s last blog post..Sudan – exit strategy
[Reply]
Meredith
2:41 pm
Like you and Brandi, I think our big thing is communication. There is so much that is never said or specifically communicated. We just “assume”… and we all know where that leads!
We’ve tried to get better about it lately, though. And I think a big key here is to INTENTIONALLY spend TIME ALONE together. So after we put the kids to bed, and we wrap up our day, we try to turn off the phones, the laptops, and the TV, and get some face time. It’s made a big difference… I hope we can keep it up. Thanks for leading this discussion, Pete. It’s a great one!
[Reply]
Susanne
2:48 pm
thankfully I have been married for 26 years to my bride and mother of a 1/2 dozen kids…are things good! You bet…could they be better…absolutely!…the last two weeks have captured both of our hearts, we attend Lifechurch.tv Tulsa and are 2 weeks into the series, “the Vow”…Craig has knocked it out of the park, challenged us and himself…FTW attendance is AWEsome!…great discussions for our LifeGroup…go watch it with your spouse, if your single go watch it yourself…Susie and I can’t wait for the next 2 weeks…here’s the link and I guarantee you won’t be dissappointed, 30 minutes…go make an investment in your relationship… http://www.lifechurch.tv/message-archive use this link or go grab it at itunes!
[Reply]
steveharrison
3:05 pm
The prayer one does kind of hit us where it hurts, I have to admit. We go through phases. Why do we place such a high priority on praying with our 4 year old daughter as she goes to sleep but a much lower priority on praying together as a couple? Funnily enough, when our daughter was first born we struggled so much with exhaustion and the resulting frayed tempers that we prayed together every night as we went to bed.
Another biggy for us, like so many others, is just getting caught up in the busy-ness of lives that stretch our availability to each other. Making time to be together with no agenda other than togetherness is the solution to that…but we’re not too good at putting it into practice.
It’s so interesting that there is such commonality. I wonder what couples in different cultures to the US or the UK would say?
bring on the joy’s last blog post..Lift the Label
[Reply]
bring on the joy
3:30 pm
My husband and I just read this blog together. We had quite a time nearly one year ago and we weren’t sure we would still be together back then. Praise God we were able to fight and still be together. But we couldn’t have done it without realizing what was killing our marriage.
Communication is a big one. My hubby being a pastor and me working full time, currently pregnant and having a 2 year old can often suck the life out you. We often forget to share what is on our mind, what is hurting us, what we are praying for, our goals for the family etc. We have to make a big effort to slow down and communicate to each other. Just talking. Who would have thought?
Tiffany’s last blog post..Satan
[Reply]
Tiffany
3:37 pm
For Karen and I it’s 2 things: 1) keeping score and 2) expectations. We communicate pretty well. We learned to stop arguing verbally and do it by email. I know, it sounds weird, but when we write out our thoughts we’re less apt to attack. We think before we speak (write). Sometimes I’ll write out what I REALLY WANT to say, which is usually out of anger and intended to be hurtful, but then I’ll go back and delete stuff and say what I want to say without being offensive. That way I get to vent first, then rethink and state my views constructively. Seems to be working…she hasn’t kicked me out…yet! ;>)
[Reply]
Bill Renfrew
4:11 pm
you know, we pray together as a family daily. but brent and i rarely pray together just as a couple.
ive always thought it a bit odd. we pray, individually. just not together much. and that cant be good!
[Reply]
tam
10:25 pm
p.s. One thing that’s helped us with the praying together thing is not feeling like we have to go somewhere quiet, shut the door, hold hands and get all godly. We just start praying while we’re walking around the kitchen sometimes, while we’re cooking or getting ready for the day in the morning, or maybe when cleaning or riding in the car, pulling food out the the fridge, whatever. just talking to Him normally, and often my eyes are wide open. I like it when Cooper’s around and we’re praying this way…we want him to think of God as someone who’s right there in the room and always ready to listen; to think of Him as someone who ya don’t have to clean the house to invite over or speak to in some special language or something. It makes it easier for me as a guy to pray with Karen if I know I can just say, “Hey God, we’re stuck on this one and we really need your help, amen.” That feeling like ya have to go to a quiet room and hold hands or whatever makes me more reluctant to want to do it at all sometimes…makes me feel like I need to put my ‘man card’ in the dresser drawer for a while or something. Not that that’s a good thing…probalby a pride thing…but sometimes that’s just how it makes me feel. Of course other times we feel we gotta have that quiet time and when we do it’s just right, but for me that’s just not all the time.
[Reply]
Bill Renfrew
11:33 pm
Communication is a big one for my husband and I. But right up there is “together” time. I probably need that more than he does. We also set aside time for “date” night. (And we have 2 teenagers, so no matter what age your kids are, life is still so busy!)Date night also facilitates communication. We try to do something that allows us some quiet time, eg movie and coffee after.
Susan Hart’s last blog post..More Prayer Needed
[Reply]
Susan Hart
5:38 am
LONG DISTANCE MARRIAGE!
Need I say more?
[Reply]
Paula
11:10 am
PS – Gina – just read your comment – let’s connect – I think you and I might be able to really help each other on this – or perhaps cry to each other on those long nights our hubbies are gone. psprosper@gmail.com
[Reply]
Paula
11:35 am
everyday (okay, most days) i realize how blessed i am to have a husband who desires to have a healthy marriage.
i’d have to say communication too… isn’t it nice to know we at least agree on our biggest problem!
brandiandboys’s last blog post..When Daddy Is Away…
[Reply]
brandiandboys
12:16 pm
The biggest problem that I’ve come across in my reading is that men and women assume they’ve married versions of themselves. Women think they’ve married a hairy woman and men think they’ve married a smooth man! When in fact they’ve married an alien. If only engaged couples would put away the Bride magazines and focus on getting their PHd in the opposite sex, then more marriages would survive.
Des’s last blog post..Call Me Irresponsible
[Reply]
Des
10:07 pm
Dang. I would say that I am at fault for not respecting my Groom the way I know God is calling me to.
[Reply]
kristiapplesauce
1:30 pm
Recently my husband and I decided that while our marriage was “normal” it was not all that God designed it to be thus would one day fail. We began researching how to do this God’s way. One thing that’s struck us is what Perry Noble (from PerryNoble.com) said “Be dedicated to communication and organization.” That’s our problem. We are not dedicated to both and purposeful.
Angela’s last blog post..Cleared our Woods
[Reply]
Angela
6:42 am
@ttm…wow! Thank you so much for sharing that. Thank you Pete for allowing all of us to go there with your post!
Justin Davis’s last blog post..8 Things that Restored Our Marriage-Pt. 2
[Reply]
Justin Davis
10:00 am
I think the thing that could destroy my marriage is not appreciating the small things. In the first years of our marriage, we were both graduating from undergrad, going to grad school, finding jobs, jumping jobs, having a baby – so much to keep us busy! But in the past year (5 years into our marriage), things have slowed. We’re in stable jobs, we bought a house so we’re planted for a while, we’re just settled. And at times, that can be a little boring. I think we get frustrated that things seem to have stagnated a bit.
If we spent more time appreciating each other for just being a good partner instead of a social director, we would get more out of our marriage. We’re focusing more on appreciating the small things in our marriage – days spent in the yard with the dogs or lazy Sundays with church and a big brunch. Those things will be how we make it through to the very end.
[Reply]
Katie
10:26 am
Hey Pete -
Great post as usual… It actually really speaks to me and some of the stuff I’m working on in my marriage.
I’m always enjoying the read – keep going for it
Brendan
brendan witton’s last blog post..Report from The Cry: St. John’s
[Reply]
brendan witton
12:33 pm