So you may find this hard to believe, but Brandi and I do have moments of intense fellowship now and then. We usually fight over the same stupid things most of you probably fight over.
Yesterday when I got home from Cross Point I was starving. I noticed I was about to be served a bowl of soup. A bowl of soup which did not appear as if it was going to fill up this pastor who had just preached three services and was about to pass out. I’m a meat and potatoes kind of a guy.
Brandi happened to be in the other room when she, with her supersonic hearing, heard me whisper under my breath and describe the soup as “This is kind of blah”.
She quickly stormed into the kitchen and said “Listen, you know every meal is not going to be a home run. Do you think every one of your sermons is a home run? Because they aren’t, okay. Some are great, some are kind of average, and some are like this bowl of soup…kind of blah.”
Ouch. That hurt. That really hurt. Our spat lasted a few more minutes and then we made up. I promised I would never make another comment about a meal she fixes. My self esteem can’t take it.
So be honest. What was your last fight about?
oh baby…honesty can be brutal….
I have a hard time with it but my husband is brutally honest…typically when I least need to hear it.
Last fight-Saturday(really just sharp words)…. I have been taking care of sick kids for 8 days….Saturday he was letting me do all the childcare (we have 4 kids) the baby who is 15 mos has had explosive diarrhea and had 5 baths on Saturday…hubs sat on his butt and had no intention of helping me get them to bed but was shouting orders at the kids to get pj’s on , etc. from the chair…so I came over after I had had enough and told him to get off his butt and start participating or to be quiet. He started helping.
@Gina, I’ve had those words “get off your butt” extended to me a few times. Ha!
Pete, we’re getting so old that really, we’re too worn out to fight. It’s not worth the energy- we’re both too tired and we want to save our strength!
We’ve had some DOOSIES though!
Mostly “intense fellowship” over disciplinging teenage boys!
(Am I ever glad that is over!)
We came from 2 completely different parenting perspectives and meeting in the middle came only after LOTS are heated arguments!
Certainly not about what she fixes. She works full time and if I was to say anything at all about a home cooked meal (when she has time) it would be either “fix your own” or “there’s always pb&j.” Last fight: we never have fought but have had many quiet moments. And I think it would be wiser not to say it on a public forum. Then that would surely be cause for a fight.
11 years and you haven’t learned NOT to say anything about her cooking? J/K
Our last little tiff was over money. Since we are a one income household, she was upset that when ever she wants something she has to ask/justify her spending and when I want something I simply go buy it without consulting her.
Wasn’t really a fight, just a disagreement, or somthing I didn’t want to hear. The big debate ” must you ask Jesus into your heart to go to heaven, or can you be a believer, have faith and understand what Jesus did for you, well I didn’t like what I heard and said” so my MOm and Dad are in Hell” Gotta Go, click went the phone. NOt a good thing when you are already struggling with a long distance marriage and only see each other 1 weekend a month. Sorry for Blabbering, felt good to get it out. Gina – Nashville. I had to put the Nashville part, because sometimes I get You said what, and I had to explain there is another Gina on this blog.
Way to go, Pete. (: I have been trying to teach my boys this lesson before it happens. Maybe I will have them read your post. Thanks for sharing.
Hmm…maybe one upside of being single is that I cannot remember my last fight.
@ally, do you ever criticize your own cooking?
We always pretty much end up fighting over the same thing – communication. I want to talk it out, to discuss more, and my husband says “I don’t know what to say”. We’ve had this fight for 25 years now. About every 4 mnonths we drag it out and do it all over again. I’m in tears cause I want to process out loud with someone and be heard and he’s a deer caught in the headlights because he’s terrified he’ll say the wrong thing….
On the DISC profile, he’s a C, I’m an I. This says it all!!!
Dude…
I can’t stop smiling and laughing at this one. And just for clarification, I’m not laughing “at you”.
Our fights tend to revolve around the same things. Honestly bro, I can be needy when it comes to personal affection from my wife. When I perceive “neglect” on her part, it can become a catalyst for what you describe as intense fellowship.
Who tends to be one wanting to reconcile more quickly, you or Brandi?
Hahahahahahaha!!!! We pastor’s wives know exactly how to hit back where it hurts the most. Let’s see, at this moment I can’t remember what we fought about last, but I’m sure it had something to do with the mess he makes that I always clean up:).
Have a good week.
I think ours was something about him not cleaning the bathtub after I’d asked him for two months. I did pull the “I am 7 months pregnant and carrying your son” card and said “if I could do it myself I would.. but I am kinda limited to activities that don’t require me getting on my hands and knees in a bathtub to scrub soap scum… He finally agreed it WAS his turn to do it. lol
@Jdellis, that would totally be me bro. I always want to reconcile so I usually initiate that conversation.
I guess I’m wrong so often I have no problem admitting it.
One of the joys of being single…no one to fight with : )
That was great! Way to go Brandi! (Oops, shouldn’t be choosing sides… but that was too funny… I literally laughed out loud.) God gives you pastor-folk us wives to keep ya’ humble… and we take our job seriously
.
Being a Husband of almost 14 years, I have learned to live by 2 simple rules. If followed correctly, then your day will go much more smoothly. However, you will be frustrated beyond belief.
Rule #1 – The Wife is ALWAYS right!!
Rule #2 – Refer to Rule #1
Oh, and if you choose to break any of these rules…Say your Sorry long before she has time to call her Girl friends or family members and complain about you.
…our last fight….you mean today?
Pete,
Can honestly say that after being together for over two years, we still have not had a fight yet, nor even harsh words (please God, don’t let be a jinx). We seem to be on the same wavelength on just about everything so we have not had any course for “intense fellowship”.
Some words of advice that have served me very well, I always thank her for making supper. Doesn’t matter what it was, I was thankful she went to the trouble of cooking the meal for us. The way I look at it, I can always make a sandwich if it’s bad.
We don’t fight a whole lot, and I’m thankful for that. Usually it’s over something pretty silly, like what temperature the thermostat should be set to. Fortunately, those little talks have not yet resulted in my buying a Slanket, but the jury is still out!
I cannot remember our last fight, b/c my husband has been serving in Iraq for months now, BUT we do fight a lot about what’s safe or not safe for our daughter. Like I insist that we put the car seat in the middle of the back seat b/c it’s the safest place…He thinks I’m being ridiculous. And the whole redneck sledding…yeah, I would have never let that happen! I know I need to relax sometimes…well, maybe all the time:)
If my husband ever complains about a meal or lack there of, I gently remind him (with a smile of course) that he knows where the peanut butter is. And then I may tell him I heard McDonald’s makes great burgers.
Thanks for sharing!
I forgot to mail the Netflix….. seriously.
!
@Michael, Are you serious dude???? You’ve never had a fight or argument? Do you guys live in the same house?
LOL! Don’t mess with Brandi. Our last fight was about how many 20 oz. cokes we consume in a month. Well, the fight wasn’t as much about the cokes as it was about my nerd-brain wanting to figure the no. and cost of the cokes, and my husband’s free spirit wanting nothing to do with the conversation. I thought he was rude in the way he expressed his disinterest and I popped back…etc., etc., etc.
You deserved it! Those of us who cook add love as the most important ingredient in our cooking. When you say it is “blah” that hurts big time.
My husband and I had our first fight over women’s ordination. Our last fight was over whether God’s omnipotence = predestination. You know, the same thing most people fight about….;-)
Pete (and Brandi), I love your honesty. And I love the phrase “intense fellowship”… it sure beats fight. Okay, so our last fight was because my hubby came home and complained about the house being a mess. I got all defensive because I had been doing some cleaning and laundry in the midst of homeschooling the older two and entertaining the younger two kids. It was a short time of intense fellowship.
Usually our fights revolve around two things… discipline issues with the kids and messy house problems. We used to fight about money when we were first married, but that RARELY happens anymore… we just decided money really wasn’t worth a fight.
Now is this a fight with a spouse or is it a fight with someone you thought was a friend and you feel that they slighted you in some form or fashion?
I love the phrase “intense fellowship”. My boyfriend Jon and I have started using that phrase instead of “fight” because we have always HATED the idea of fighting. (Growing up in a house where my parents ended up getting a divorce really did that to me). Our last “intense fellowship” was probably about one of us feeling neglected. We are in the midst of a very frustrating (the dreaded) long distance relationship, and with both of our schedules being SO busy, it’s hard to find the time to spend a lot of time together via phone. It’s hard! But it’s good to know that that is the source of most of our “intense fellowships” considering we won’t have to deal with the miles very much longer.
@Helen, I can promise you there was NO love in that soup. Just kidding, just kidding. She puts a lot of love in everything she cooks.
Mine is usually over Hockey.
I’m an AVID fan and go to every home game. This tends to lead to a few less Saturday date nights which can grate on my wife’s nerves.
Last week she was mad because she had planned to go to a movie and I had forgot to tell her there was a game…assumed she knew.
we ended up on a Friday date night instead and all was good. In fact she ended up at the game on Saturday as well which ended up 2 date nights. I got out of trouble because the movie was definitly a girl movie and I endured.
our “disagreements” usually stem from my extreme lack of organizational skills and my incredible ability to lose lots of thing like keys, important papers, etc. I have a very forgiving husband…so now he counts to ten and I can usually find the missing item – which avoids any further problems.. But when your husband refers to your purse as the “black hole” you know there are bound to be a few disagreements!
Dennis is a big baby about cooking, too.
I attempted a new new recipe a few nights ago in honor of Chinese New Year and he announced after I put it down in front of him that it looked like… puke.
But I had to laugh because I had been thinking the same thing! Fortunately, it tasted great and he said he’d eat it again, but I don’t think I’ll be making Chicken Puke again any time soon.
after twenty seven years of marriage we no longer fight we “discuss” and it’s been the same topic of intense fellowship all that time (love that description btw) he is a self proclaimed workaholic,and it makes me a little cranky upon occ
Pete, my wife sometimes has trouble making decisions. “What do you think?”, she asks. “You’re a big girl,” I respond.
Why is it that every time you use the word ‘big’ women think we are saying they are fat? Hmmm?
I would say our last spat was over communication. After being married for a number of years you almost begin to speak a code language I guess kind of like some twins seem to have. Anyway, throw in a few miscoded messages and the misunderstood use of third person pronouns and you have a discussion that starts out like, “That’s not what you said, you said blah blah blah” with a response something like, “I didn’t say blah blah blah, I said duh duh duh”. You get the picture. The point is Sherry and I are now trying to speak in complete sentences to each other, while in the same room, while not watching television as to avoid miscommunication. Wish us luck.
Pete, I just remembered a tip that may save you from further food-related arguments. Just say, “I’m not really fond of {insert name of dish here], but I love you for cooking for me,” or something like that. I found I was really hurt when I spent time cooking a meal and one of my kids would plop down and say, “I HATE this!” So I told them it was okay with me if, after at least giving it a try, they said they weren’t particularly fond of it. Now, when they say that, I know they are really saying “yuck” but somehow it just doesn’t hurt my feelings as much, lol.
Pete,
I am totally serious dude! Not only have we not had a fight, but my mother lived with us for the better part of our first year of marriage. Even we marvel at the fact that we haven’t had a fight. I think part of it stems from the fact that this is a second marriage for us. I got all my fighting done in my first marriage (btw, SHE was a champion at fighting, I honestly think she lived for it). Besides, Tina and I are older now and I guess little things don’t get in the way anymore. Yes, we live in the same house.
Coming here on a daily basis is preparing me for marriage one day. Just added something else to my “do not do” list. Thanks for going first over and over and over again.
Our last blow out was about Facebook. I flipped out when I found out my hubster had women on his Facebook acct that I had never met. One was an ex-girlfriend from high school. She’s married and has a family now, but they in their 16 year old state of hormonal attraction had sex while they were dating (back in high school). Uh. No. You. Didn’t. In my fit of jealous rage I pushed (verbally) him into a small corner and left him there in fetal position (not really). Then I told him to get rid of “the chicks on your FB”. We agreed that we will not FB anyone of the opposite gender unless we BOTH are acquainted with that person. Trust is important to me. Affairs have started over less. Not that my husband would ever set out to cheat, but I am not taking ANY chances.
I’m a jealous wife. He’s an innocent man. However, appearances do matter.
Heidi Reed
Oh, Sha-ZAM! She really got you good! I’m impressed.
Oh, and my dh and I never fight. How could anyone ever get mad at me? (sheepish grin)
I just love that you guys call it “intense fellowship”. I am going to start using that one. For me and my hubs…it is usually about who does what around the house. Since we both work full time right now (hopefully not for long) it is essential that both of us help out around the house. My hubby seems to forget that I commute farther than he does to work, work 8 hours and still have to take care of the baby at home…oh and him too. We have quite a few moments of “intense Fellowship”.
single girl currently taking applications for someone to fight with….
j/k j/k.
thanks for your honesty pete! ive been loving your blog lately. its been inspiring me to be more honest / real on mine.
I don’t remember, but here’s two things I’m sure of:
> It was over something stupid.
> She ended up apologizing profusely.
Wow, its great to hear that your wife is not the only one to hit you where it hurts.
The last session of intense fellowship I had with my wife was over the weekend (Friday night) when we ended up in a discussion about some of her family and some of her friends who don’t like to tell the truth, but in my speaking the truth about the situations surrounding these individuals, I was labeled as being “mean” and told I would not make a good pastor because “I do not like people” – Of course I had to defend myself, my opinion, and my love for people, it definitely made for an interesting night.
You are funny Pastor Pete! Your wife is even funnier, with her response.
My wife and I last argued about me not involving her enough in the things I do! She wants to help! So I’m going to put her to work!
Especially this weekend with the upcoming retreat
It’s amazing that God developed wives to hear better the farther they are away from their husbands, or is that just my wife? Oh, our last fight consisted of me not listening to her directions while I was driving. We made up before we got to our destination.
Our last fight was about laundry, and suffice it to say that God gave me the grace to practice being wise…as in…”A fool gives vent to all his emotions, but a wise person holds back.” (Proverbs) For me, it’s hard in the heat of the moment to keep my tongue from saying things I’ll later have to apologize for, and really don’t even believe!
This made me laugh because my husband totally agrees with you that soup is not a “real meal”, something about the liquid to solids ratio not adding up to a full stomach (that’s what the bread is for!). We may have even had the exact same fight about it!
Our argument…or “stress” point this passed weekend was a parenting issue…we are on the same page with parenting pretty much but we’ve never had a 17 year old before and we got in a little “tiff” about how much freedom to give him….you know…17..SCREAMING for freedom! ahhh!
Sunday’s have got to be one of the hardest days of the week to cook a good meal. It’s not easy getting kids ready for church, attend whichever service and “run” home to make that meal that’s fit for a king, or Pastor. lol
When my husband and I pastored or when we were missionaries, we agreed that Sunday was to be MY day off. So we usually went out to eat, (even if it was to Mickey D’s). Do you give Brandi HER day off? Is she supposed to be wife, mother, cook all 7 days a week? Maybe it’s time you have that discussion.
“intense fellowship” = awesome. our fellowships lately have been about stupid little things… i think it’s stemming from feeling totally disorganized in lots of areas. we don’t have systems in place to keep us where we want to be as far as house cleanliness, working out, eating right, balancing time…. so that makes it a lot easier to get stressed out about the little things. but we just scheduled saturday as GET IT TOGETHER day. so that will help.
but no joke, when we were dating long distance, we once had a 3-part world war over the phone about sour cream. i cried 3 times. it was priceless.
Oh my gosh – I am so totally laughing right now!!!! This is so like Sam and I!!
Hmmm – our last fight would have been a recent disagreement over a house we are interested in. I can see beyond the little flaws and he plays devils advocate. Don’t be confused – I’m grateful for devil’s advocates as I often am one myself. But don’t play that card without offering alternate solutions while crushing my temporarily elated spirit!!!!
Brandi and I may be related! I would soooo say that! The Husband says this when I do:
“There you go again trying to kill a fly with a machine gun.”
I’m not sayin you should say that…sometimes I repent when he says that other times…well, it’s not pretty, sounds something like…”I’ll show you killing a fly with a machine gun…”
My jaw is hanging.
I can’t believe you criticized your wife’s cooking! DUDE! That’s suicidal!
I’m with the other single girls here… I can’t remember the last time I had a fight with someone. I don’t think I’ve had a “fight” with a friend since college.
Now, I had a bit of a “come to Jesus” with my dog the other night, but I don’t think that counts. [In case you're wondering, he totally mouthed off back to me.]
Honestly hits and hurts but usually doesnt leave a sting unlike a mistruth.
Our last tiff was last night. Its over our four boys ages 20-13yrs old. They “wrestle” ALL.THE.TIME when they older ones come home from college. It starts as soon as they walk through the door and it lasts til I am mad or someone gets hurt or something is broke. Hubs and I differ on this. Its just boys is his theory. Mine is those boys MUST take it outside where there is LOTS of space to tumble. Not.in.the.house!!!
I understand this is a boys’ crazy way of bonding but its driving me batty!!!!!!!!! Why can they smell up the house by painting each others nails or doing each others hair or something calm like that?????
I’m drowning in a household of teens/young adults! Please send HELP!
HA!!! This is perfect as me and my husband had a little spat this morning.
He politely calls me this am and says “Kara, can you bring me my power card to the laptop when you drop Avery off at Pre-K?” Then, 30 minutes later another call, “UM..Kara can you grab my drill and bucket of tools as we are building out on some things in the Loft…” Ok..totally irritated with him calling me asking for one more favor when I am scrabbling around trying to get the 5 and 3 year old in the car and trash guys are upon me as its trash day and THAT is his job and NOPE, he didn’t get that done. After a little piece of my mind about HIS trash duty not getting done and not having his business items organized for the day, upon dropping off the bucket of tools and power cord, he handed me a peace offering… a nice cold soda drink.. yes a weakness of mine. 
Yesterday…when the baby was screaming….the one that is not ours but is always with us on Sundays. We went to hubs parents to watch the game and baby was spooked when she woke in a new place…intense fellowship while a baby is screaming in your ear…NEVER FUN!!!
We did talk it out over breakfast today…still not sure what the solution is! Lord, please show us your way.
Ours was something stupid– he was going to walk to the church ( 2/10 of a mile ) and I offered him a ride and somehow we turned it into a fight LOL.
Leslie
I love the automatically generated posts that are listed:
* I was thinking about Soup
* Popcorn in your Soup
* A More Nutritious – More Filling Soup
@bluegoose, screaming babies have led to several intense moments for us. That’s a tough one.
Last fight… miscommunication.
Our last fight was over a towel. Our youngest well, um … decided to potty all over the bathroom floor. It’s tile, but carpet is right out the hall. So, I threw the son in the bathtub and reached for a clean old towel to sop up the potty. My husband comes around the corner with an old towel and saw that I had used a clean towel rather than getting one that was already used. He was livid. I mean livid – throwing the towel and using some language that is unacceptable in our home. We rarely fight, but this was a 4 day long fight (I’m still not over it). He claims that since he does most of the house work that I was causing him more work by adding another dirty towel. Mind you, I was going to also mop this mess up, but I let him do it for punishment.
That is the most awesome blog post I’ve ever read! Your wife nailed you man. Thanks for sharing… I needed that laugh today.
A wet towel on the bathroom floor (mine BTW)
Not a big soup eater either…unless it’s my homemade Taco Soup…
We had a fight yesterday…and I know it was over something really important…and as soon as I remember what my husband did wrong, I’ll let you know.
His dogs. They became ‘his’ when they chewed up my Doc Martens!
It must have been in the air … I bailed in the middle of the sermon yesterday to avoid crying or yelling. I pointed out the date of our Great Day of Service in the bulletin. DH whispered, “it’s the day of a race I have.” I mentioned the boys (we are training them to be servants …kind of hard if you’re not serving others!) and DH whispered angrily “I’ve already given up one race this year!”
We have different personal priorities, mine is serving others and training the boys in the same manner – so I try to use free time with family to install this. DH sees free time as a break from work (that he hates) and running is his passion and only “me time.” Alas … it breaks into the family time which I think should be the priority.
11 years of marriage and we’re still not on the same page on some things.
I totally hear ya on the meat and potatoes thing! My hubby is too…and sometimes, I make meals that are just blah! But he hangs in there with me…he’s amazing. At least your wife doesn’t serve “blah” every night…Remember Jill Taylor from Home Improvement? She couldn’t cook to save her life! Be thankful…as I know you are!
Congrats on heading to India for the Compassionbloggers trip! I can’t wait to push to get some kids sponsored!!
dude thanks for your honesty.
umm last fight.. was over my family. We have some serious issues with my parents. Karen gets so mad when I dont stand up for myself, for her. I always “cave” reverting to the 12 yr old version of myself. Never a good time
We don’t really fight about it – it’s just a constant annoyance…THE HONEY DO LIST! It started as a piece of paper, went to a Word document, then an Excel spreadsheet, now it’s an Excel workbook divided into a worksheet for each room. He knows it’s there, I remind him, “I’ll get to it” is the answer (for 35 years now).
@Heidi, I would fight with you too if you left a wet towel on the floor. Come on!
Um…I asked my husband if he could remember what our last fight about. Talk about a loaded question.
Well, neither of us could remember, but we both concluded it was probably about money.
And he would eat Campbell’s condensed chicken noodle soup every day if I let him. Yuck-o.
Love,
Sherri, Katdish, and Helen’s Friend
Our last argument was over me not purchasing Randy the same nose spray that he just ran out of, he couldn’t figure out why I would try something different after he kept me up off and on allnight saying I can’t breathe. Thanks for sharing. I had a good laugh after a tiring day.
Our last fight was about me leaving for three days for a work trip. My wife hates to be without me and the whole situation makes for tension. I leave tomorrow. Can’t wait til I’m home again!
In a parallel universes we must be the same person…I think I’ve had that same ‘discussion’ before!
To answer your question: Our last fight was about me saying something stupid too….
Money, and uh money, especially after ReThink with Casey Graham. I know better than to say anything about something she has cooked, don’t feel like getting knee’d in the groin like you did.
It was this morning.
I am 8 1/2 weeks pregnant and am feeling terrible. I can’t get out of bed without eating and this morning James (my husband) saw me get out of bed and stamper into the kitchen and fix myself some toast- he actaully watched me do it as he was on the computer- he did not ask me if he could help or do it for me as HE SHOULD. I took my toast and got back in bed yelling as I went that he could have gotten it for me! THE NERVE! I am carring out child and it is not fun! He should be at my beccon call, not even at my call, just doing things. ALL and ALL he has been good but this morning he got to me.
This reminds me of that Campbells Chunky Soup (or is Progresso?) commercial where the house ia all a somewhat stark white color, he and his wife are dressed in white, and the hubby gets relentlessly pulled from his desk, dragged down the stairs, and into the kitchen to the table for another serving of his wife’s blah, blah, blah soup. Then the Campbells chef comes in to save the day with his fantastic and colorful and tastey chunky soup!! Of course, that guy seems like he’s been there enough to know to keep his mouth shut! LOL
My husband’s late grandfather was a minister who often joked in his sermon’s that “My wife and I have never had an argument, just some intense fellowship!”
Our last fight last night / this am. We got notice last week and yesterday that our son is misbehaving at school. On top of that we had planned a circus trip this Friday and a no kids weekend/ Grandparent visit. I, of course, panic thinking we can’t let our son attend the circus and go to grandparents with his behavior this bad – that’s called a reward. So while I’m in crisis mode praying and wondering how are we going to get through this and save our alone weekend my husband is off doing taxes and zoning the family out. Not a good choice.
Sorry bro, but this made me laugh! Our last fight was this morning. It was about whether or not my wife was going to let me take her to the UNC game tonight.
Ok, this is a funny post because the very last argument my husband and I had was so absurd I was embarrassed to have to repent and ask the Lord’s forgiveness, as well as my husband’s. I just kind of sat quietly and meekly the next morning during my quiet time, thinking about how I REALLY NEED TO CHANGE. Because getting mad at my husband for not liking Scrabble, and going to bed angry over it just has to never happen again.
My husbands mom gave him a great piece of advice as it relates to marriage/women:
“You can be right or you can be happy”
cat litter.
yep, thats correct, cat litter.
We are on the road traveling.
Bad navigation from me….
Need I say more!
Take care,
Amy
Good column , I am going to spend more time reading about this subject