Fear Of Failure
A couple months ago I did a very informal survey via twitter questioning peoples’ greatest fears. By far the most common response was fear of failure.
I’ve spent some time thinking about that fear. It’s interesting because it’s certainly at the top of my fear list.
A matter of fact, I have an area of my life right now I sense God calling me to take a step of faith and trust Him. I know God could use this. I know lives could be impacted. All I need to do is step out in faith, but I’m embarrassed to admit the fear of failure is keeping me from totally giving of myself.
I don’t get it. Why do I fear failure so much? It’s not like it’s that uncommon in my life. Why do you fear it so much? We all fail on a fairly regular basis.
I think it has something to do with control.
Failure is a reminder that control is an addictive illusion which will permeate your conscious over time.
The reason you hate failure so much and the reason I hate failure so much is because it’s a reminder you’re not really in control of your life. Some of us despise the idea of failure so much we’ll not allow ourselves to take risks or make decisions where there is even the possibility of failure.
How about you? Why do you think so many of us struggle with the fear of failure?
49 Comments:
Oh boy, I wish I knew the answer to your question! My best guess as to why I fear failure is that it goes back to my desire to be liked and perhaps even admired. When I was a kid, I was really good at school stuff, and people began to expect that I was going to excel there. That starts to permeate everything. Others began to expect me to be good at everything, and to enjoy ridiculing and judging when I was not. So I became less able to try new things.
Maybe if people could resist the urge to judge and tear others down in order to build themselves up, we would all be better able to try things and thus discover where our lights should be shining out to help the world?
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Jan Connair
9:12 am
I think we want people to see the best of us. We want to have it ‘together’ and that’s we aim for perhaps? We like to be in control, and if things are in our control, then we don’t fail.
At least I think that’s the perception we have?
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brunettekoala
9:13 am
My fear of failure is just the sheer embarrassment of it … that’s it… but I’m kinda getting used to that now..hahaha…
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OCD-ism/Obsessive Christian Disorder
9:18 am
Kind of a paradox because we all need the freedom to fail, but unless we’ve put on a “screw you” mask, we are most likely avoiding it like the plague. Apologies roll off my tongue easy. What I have a hard time with is feeling bad I hurt someone’s feelings beyond general ownership and growth. I really don’t like hurting someone’s feelings, so if in sharing where I fear failure it is that.
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Roxanne Kristina
9:28 am
Perhaps because it exposes us – it can be humiliating or embarassing and show what we’re NOT good at and who wants that. It might mean admitting we DON’T have all the answers or that we were wrong.
I think sometimes I fear stepping out because I feel presumptious and wonder what in the world people think? I feel God wants me to write, but that seems so very presumptious to me. I’ve written 64 pages so far but submitting it to a publisher? That just seems crazy!?!
Pete I think I can relate to where you are at. God is filling my heart with big dreams, but I look at those and think “Who do I think I am that anyone would listen to me or why do I think I could do that?”.
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Jan Owen
9:33 am
I think it comes down to pride. I don’t want to fear because my pride will be hurt. I know God doesn’t like a prideful spirit, however, pride creeps up from time to time. I’m afraid of making a fool of myself (pride) in front of others (family, friends, church family, etc) and losing creditability.
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Annabelle
9:38 am
I used to have that fear much more, but after failing at so many different things, I realize it’s really not that bad and I can always try something else.
I think sometimes it’s embarrasement( we all want to succeed in our ventures) and sometimes we are afraid of the loss of a large investment (time, money or our heart).
Nothing is EVER wasted when you fail. My most valuable lessons are from things I failed to do well, correctly or with enough preparation.
The school of hard knocks is underrated.
I earned a valuable degree from my alma mater!
I’ve made “failing successfully” something to strive toward when I see myself going under!
LESSONS LEARNED THE HARD WAY ALWAYS EARN AN “A”!
Go for it Pete Wilson!
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SHerri
9:40 am
if you’re in a leadership role, I think it becomes harder because you want to succeed so people will trust that you can do what you set out to do. So it can be a matter of building trust or maintaining trust. However, I believe in grace, and I am SO thankful for grace, and I think we need to remember to extend grace to others when they fail.
Also, if we have a group of people we can share our fears or uncertainites with, and if we strive to support each other in our “risks”, perhaps failure will be less likely, and hopefully trust will be stregthened between both parties. It works both ways, no?
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Susan
9:51 am
“Not trying is wondering your whole life if you gave up to soon.” I just remind myself of this and try. After all God did not craft us to be perfect so we just do the best we can. I found the best way to get over the people who point and laugh at your own failures is realize that they have that fear inside of them that prevents them from trying. Imagine if we encourage each other more instead of laughing and poking fun… *sighs* I’m going to the gym now to try… lol
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Angela
9:53 am
i like what Seth Godin says in Tribes: “What people are afraid of isn’t failure. It’s blame. Criticism.”
i’m not afraid to fail. i’m just afraid of being called on it.
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Alex
9:58 am
@Susan, I think you’re right. Being in a leadership role certainly complicates things. You’re afraid of losing credibility if you fall on your face. However, I want to follow leaders that are willing to trust God and step out in faith even it if means they fail.
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Pete Wilson
10:01 am
I am with Alex above on this one. Its not the failure its the imagined ramifications that people fear. We want to control what others think of us and failure is an area that we know is going to open us up for some major bad vibes from people.
Maybe if we focused more on God and less on people we would think of it less as a risk and more of obedience and a blessing. Paul and Silas singing in prison goes totally against the normal reaction to ‘failure’. I don’t think they were worried about what others were thinking.
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Tony York
10:12 am
I never felt a fear of failure untl I experienced success. Since then I feel I need to live up to the expectations of others. Better. Smarter. Confident. They see me differently than I see myself – I see an average, hard-working, dedicated person, and some seem to think I have it all together (maybe I do – I just don’t know where I put it)! At this point, it’s not so much failing, but fear of letting others down – that has a horrible grip on me. And why should I care? I KNOW God’s got my back.
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Candy
10:18 am
This is one of the best quotes that I have found to put in perspective for me the relationship between fear and control. It comes from the book called “The Shack” by William P. Young.
“It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can’t. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn’t even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear become reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear.”
It goes on to say that we fear because we don’t believe…we don’t believe that He will be there on the other side of our fear. I know that this may not be true for all….but I have come back to this passage many times…and I question my own fears and my own need to control…and then I question do I trust HIM enough to give up my fear and give up my control….The reality of my answer is one that I still struggle with on how to completely trust.
Just my two cents….
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Susie A.
10:20 am
My fears lie primarily in parenting. I struggle with one child in particular. My fear of failing is because the stakes are so high. There are aspects of her behavior that will crush her as an adult if not dealt with sooner rather than later. She is the mirror image of me and I wish my parents had “dealt” with me as a child instead of having to learn the lessons at 35 when I was still acting like a child. The comments and quotes above are a huge help to my psyche. I’ll have to go back to Stormie O’Martian’s book “The Power of a Praying Parent” to surrender once again what I thought was handled.
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Joni
10:34 am
Pride and the hunger for love. To me all things of our humanity are rooted in pride. Even when we appear falsely humble it’s still pride to me—-we’re putting “me” before God. We’ve decided that “we” can’t instead of putting the focus on Him. I also think that if we KNOW in our depths His love then the search for it doesn’t interrupt our days. Sadly most of us don’t walk fully in that knowledge—OH SOMEDAY FACE TO FACE WE WILL “KNOW” LOVE! Hmmmm, these thoughts flowed out pretty strong and full of confidence that I KNOW anything— Just always so thankful that He is with us ALWAYS to encourage us, catch us and cheer us on when we choose to give Him the lead.
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pam
10:54 am
@Alex, Great book and great quote!
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Pete Wilson
10:56 am
I too know this struggle. I think it comes from a couple of things. first, experiencing probably more of my fair share of success at an early age. (wow, that sounded much more prideful than i wanted it too) and second, experiencing probably more of my fair share of failure at an early age. the more i tend to experience the extremes of success and failure it makes it easier to return.
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getvision
11:04 am
@getvision, it’s true that success tends to bread the fear of failure. Ironic isn’t it?
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Pete Wilson
11:24 am
Because I value success wayyy more than faithfulness…..and finding out that He values faithfulness more is when I realized that…I think it was a Nouwen quote and maybe something said by Mother Teresa as well….
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becky
11:44 am
This is so ridiculously on target with me today. I just spent the past three hours being completely entranced in my frustration about failing a quiz in one of my classes. I had latched myself onto this failure fearing that it was going to mean the end of my GPA, my school career, and my future. This tiny, insignificant quiz launched all of these doubts and worries that were completely illogical and unnecessary. I realized now that I need to simply recognize that I am not in control and while I can do whatever possible to study and to be prepared for these kinds of things, I can’t be completely in control of what happens. My life is going to be okay even if I fail. Failure is just a reminder that HE is the leader of my life, and I must depend on Him if I want to be even the least bit successful. Hmm. Thanks for this, Pete. I really appreciate you being so open in your entries.
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Kayla Grace
11:47 am
Because I’m secretly insecure and am afraid of what people will think.
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Annie K
11:54 am
The fear of failure is something I struggle with constantly. I don’t have any great insight into it except for what you said. It’s probably a control thing. This year I don’t want to let my fear hold me back from doing the things I think I need to do. In the past I have done nothing simply because I knew I couldn’t fail. I’m trying to get past that this year. But it’s scary…
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jenn
12:07 pm
I think that most of us struggle with the fear of failure simply because of the external pressures rather than the internal pressure. Simply meaning, I must appear to have succeeded to the parents and siblings, to the in-laws, and to the wife and children. It’s like a batton race, I must run farther and swifter than my parents did, I must be the stable sibling in a disfunctional family, and in the immediate family I must be successful enough for the wife and kids to be proud of, but not so much that when the kids are of age to run the race that it does not look impossible for them to go beyond the goals of the father that went before them. After writing all of this I see the Casting Crowns video “American Dream” in my mind. The key is not to fail, but if you fail you must rise again.
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Joey
12:12 pm
I know I’ve had a fear of failure for various reasons. I like what you are pointing out today about our fear of failure bringing us to the reality that we are not in control. Another big reason I have had a fear of failure is because I was in an environment with a spiritually abusive leader that would say things to wound me and others to hold us down, so we never got above them. Even though I know their methods and words were wrong, it still affects me at times, and all I can hear are their words of “You can’t” “You’ll never” Etc…Its at those times I have to remember who it was that said those things to me and remember I do what I do for Christ and not for man.
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ncarnes
12:22 pm
I have to come at this from a different angle because I honestly do not fear failure — I fear success. I grew up the youngest of 4 children. My 2 older sisters were scary smart and had the grades to prove it. My brother, while not a model student, has natural athletic ability and was breaking records in his age group in swimming competitions. And then there was me. Not particularly good at anything (unless you include coloring, and trust me, that wasn’t anything my family considered worthy of attention). So I grew up expecting to fail, and I often did. But then I met my husband, who was successful both in sports and academics. Even though he had grown up in church, we had both put God low on our priority list. After the birth of my son (and a subsequent battle with PPD) we began going back to church. God is so incredibly amazing and gracious! He opened up doors for my creative abilities that I didn’t even dare to dream of as a little girl and allowed me to use those gifts to glorify Him. Which is what it’s all about anyway. Still, sometimes I am comfortable in my role as an underachiever. Even though I know I have the ability to make my business more successful than it is, sometimes I just want to tell myself that I’m not really that good so that I don’t have to put in the effort to make it succeed. Wow. That felt really good to get that off my chest. Thanks, Pete.
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katdish
12:23 pm
I’m finally taking a leap of faith, like the kind you saw Indiana JOnes in one of his movies…when he walked out on a ledge you coldn’t see….my mother was afraid of so many things and it was passed on to all of us…not fun..I’ve struggled with it for years. it has held me back in so many ways…not any more…
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Barbara
12:35 pm
Fear of Failure…well…I’m not sure why we fear failure so often…I think it can be many reasons…but I do know fear is not of Christ…so when we fear where is it truly coming from…and I know from my experience fear stands in the way of what Christ wants to do in me and through me…even if we fail we are learning…learning more about Christ…learning more about who He has created us to be…and it’s not like God is surprised by our failures…I’m sure there is even purpose in them…I don’t know…Just some thoughts on the subject…
B
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Brandi P.
12:37 pm
@Nick, I was in a similar environment with an abusive spiritual leader. I’m still amazed at how that voice pops up in my head from time to time.
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Pete Wilson
12:40 pm
I think many times it’s not the fear of failure but the anxiety of the unknown that keeps us from moving forward.
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Vicky
12:49 pm
I think my fears of failure stem from my childhood. My younger brother was a handful and so required most of the attention most of the time. The times when I got attention were when I won something athletic or academic (especially academic) or just any honor really. We would go out to eat and I would get attention that evening. They would say things like “Thank goodness we have one child that can do things right.” My identity became my perfection and that is what i strove for. I got in trouble once for a 93 because it was too close to being a B. I started getting migraines at 12. I now know I am nowhere near perfect and have learned to enjoy the way life goes on after failure but every time I still have this feeling that I’ve let everyone down if I fail. I’ve struggled my whole life to have my own identity rather than the one my parents set up for me.
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Jamie
12:51 pm
I used to go water skiing with an uncle of mine. He would fall down almost every time we went out to ski. I questioned him about it one day and he said, “If you never fall down then you are not trying hard enough.” I realized that his idea of “failure” and mine were very different. I saw falling down as failing. He defined failure as not living up to your potential. I was afraid of the water (at 32 mph it can tingle a bit when you fall). He was afraid of being the same skiier next year that he was today.
I would say that Pain is still one of the reasons I fear failure. Whether it is relational, internal, whatever. And, honestly I don’t know if the Fear of Failure is a bad thing. Instead of trying to fight it, I try to remember the lesson I got on the boat and just move the Object of my fear. As Jesus said, do not be afraid of those who can only kill the body… but it is a good idea of fear the one who holds both your body And your soul. Now my fear of failure makes me take risks I would not have taken before, because I don’t want to fail God (by being disobedient)… even if that means I Will fail in some of the plans/programs He calls me to.
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Jeff Johnson
12:57 pm
Just a side note… you should check out last night’s “Biggest Loser” episode… Bob (trainer) and one of the contestants had a “heart – to – heart” conversation about FEAR….maybe useful as a clip in a future message in your series….or “a quote”.
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Kevin
1:01 pm
My first recollection of the “Fear of Failure” came after my 3rd grade teacher told me that I was stupid because I couldn’t figure out how to work a math problem on the chalkboard in front of the rest of the class. I was devastated! I figured out then that it was so much easier to not try and fail than it is to try and fail. So instead of working hard to do well in school, I would act up and try to be the “funny” kid. It was my way of controlling my failure. That way, I was not failing my classes because I wasn’t able to do the work; I was failing my classes because I just didn’t do the work!
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rhelton
1:06 pm
Pete i think you hit that nail write on teh head
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Zachary
1:18 pm
I think you nailed it, Pete. It’s all about control and how we absolutely hate loss of control. In terms of time, I can’t see off the end of my nose, and in terms of space, I can’t see outside my square on God’s chessboard, yet I think I can make things turn out good if I can control everything I see.
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angelbearoh
1:20 pm
I think part of it has to do with expectations changing. When you start a project that no one is paying attention to, you can put yourself into it and let yourself freely explore. When people start to notice there becomes a pressure that it has to be done “right”, rather than done naturally, because now people are counting on you with certain expectations.
Maybe when you first started preaching and everything was new, when you bombed at something (not that you EVER would
) it was just a learning experience… now that more eyes are on you, do you have more pressure to get it right the first time because people are relying on you? That’s what always seems to make the difference for me as to whether or not fear creeps in…
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gitz
1:31 pm
Failing brings home the fact that we are so TOTALLY unworthy.
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BeckeyZ
2:16 pm
Right now I’m struggling with what to say and what not to say to my daughter, I don’t want to instill in her fear like I do now…it also is a fine line to common sense and trusting God
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bustersdaughter
2:16 pm
Pete, this is a very intriguing post/question. The thing I often ponder is that failure in the world’s eyes is often success in God’s eyes. But sometimes I still struggle with being seen as a failure in the world’s eyes, even when I know I’m in the center of God’s will for my life.
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Isabella
3:01 pm
Sorry if someone else said this earlier as I didn’t read the previous comments.
I don’t fear failure in normal every day life. As you said we all fail on a pretty regular basis. The fear is failing at something big, something public. Even in that the fear is that God wasn’t really in it. That when I thought I was stepping out in faith really I was really stepping out on my own.
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Billy McGuiness
3:41 pm
We fear failure because we value playing it safe. Francis Chan, in his book, “Crazy Love” says, “We’ve elevated safety to the neglect of whatever God’s best is, whatever would bring God the most glory, or whatever would accomplish His purposes in our lives and in the world.”
I know that I have done this in my own life and it has cost me many opportunities to experience massive movements of God in my life.
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Jason Gordon
4:48 pm
yah.. fear of failure and fear of rejection are my 2 big ones..
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Adam O
5:20 pm
I have a Friend that is in a Leadership position in a church and we have talked about stuff i have been dealing with, and i mentioned that I see the same things in her and she agreed that she had those same issues. I mentioned that there was a class being given at her church On that book, but, she expressed that she didn’t think she could go to it Because of her Position. I think that admiting that she needed this class would be a admission of failure to her. I have felt REALLY impressed to Be Authentic, to destroy the “mask” so to speak, the more i have done that i have been Suprized at the reactions i have gotten from people. I have received MUCH more Grace than i ever thought i would for doing it! its been really cool!
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Bonnie Irving
5:31 pm
I think our fear of failure is more directly associated with our fear of inadequacy, judgment, ultimately… fear of not being loved and accepted by others. Sure control plays a big part but I think acceptance plays an even greater role.
After all what is failure? Who are we failing? Ourselves? Others? Some false set of standards that society or peers have deemed as a measure of “success” by worldly standards? Where does God’s measure come into play? His measure of success may be soley that we said YES to Him. Not so much about the outcome.
I think we get preoccupied with the “appearance” of failure.
For me, I am really not worried about failing. I’m an entrepreneur so failure to me is subjective since really it’s all about learning what NOT to do so you can do better next time.
I do have plenty of fears but failure is not really one of them.
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Daniel Decker
10:22 pm
A question I’ve been mulling on is this: what is it about failure that is so scary?
Are we scared of gettng embarassed? Afraid of what people will think of us when we have to say we failed?
What is it about failure that is so intimidating …
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Ariel
11:05 pm
Fear comes when I take my eyes off Jesus. He did say that “perfect love casts out fear.” He IS love, perfect love. Fear comes when I forget His promises and His words and begin to trust in me or some other illusion, like the one that says I am in control of anything. Because I am not … only myself, and I must submit myself to the Lord. Fear comes when I listen to satans lies and measure success by a worldly and completely wrong standard and start to care what others think of me and not wholly on what God thinks of me. It comes when I walk in condemnation and not freedom. Yep, when I stay focused on Him, then life is good. My perspective is adjusted. I see things differently and it doesn’t matter about impressing someone else. It only matters that I am walking in obedience. And, I know that in my human failures, He is enough and He has my back and He makes all things new. Ah, grace! Isn’t our Daddy awesome!
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Debra
10:37 am
I think in addition to the control thing, people also fear failure because it means we are never good enough, can never measure up or amount to anything worthwhile. And many people live with that feeling or someone telling them that everyday.
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rebekah king
6:41 pm
i fear failure because i don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone, but sometimes im trying so hard not to disappoint one person that i disappoint another, so i never really win.
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krista
12:30 am
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