No More Sending Emails When Drunk
I was reading THIS ARTICLE the other night about googles “drunk email protector”. At first, I thought it was a joke, but apparently it actually does exist. Google has unveiled a new feature in Gmail called Mail Goggles designed to stop you from sending embarrassing e-mails while drunk by requiring you to do math problems before the email will be sent.
Not a bad idea. However I still think the real money maker would be an “angry email protector”. I have a feeling we’ve probably done a lot more relational damage from sending emails when we’re angry then when we’re drunk.
How many times have you wished 30 minutes later there was a “get my email back” button on your computer?
I’ve made this mistake a few times so I’ve established a few email rules in this area.
1) I try to never send a message via email that is dealing with a relational conflict. I’ve gone as far as instructing all of our staff they shouldn’t either. This always leads to trouble.
2) Never, ever respond to an email within the first hour of receiving it. YOU WILL regret it and in case you haven’t figured it out….there is no “get my email back” button. This applies to blog comments as well!
I’ve got a few others, but I would love to hear from you.
Have you ever sent an email you wish you could get back? What email rules have you established?
64 Comments:
The no email dealing with a relational conflict is the best rule ever! You can’t hear a person’s tone or see their face and email can be taken in the wrong way.
It happened to me once this year and the conflict got worse and worse as the emails went back and forth. Only when we looked each other in the eye did things get resolved!
[Reply]
Robin
8:20 am
In planning my son’s wedding last summer, being 600 miles away, my ex husband, his wife and I were doing great until the brides mother was trying to stop me from participating. I was forwarded an email she had wrote to Patti, ( x-hubby’s wife, my best friend) and instead of hitting reply I hit reply all, and said what is her problem, guess she is on a roll.
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Gina
8:20 am
Those emals that could be testy… I like to make phone-calls or handle in person if possible. E-mails don’t allow you to show tone, facial expressions… If you have to send one of those insert tone blocks such as (smiling) (lol) (serious not angry) or just have a friend read it before you send it out.
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Scott Williams
8:46 am
@Gina, Oh my gosh. That makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about that happening.
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Pete Wilson
8:50 am
I recently emailed back and forth all afternoon with a friend, trying to hash out a problem that was frustrating to both of us. My emails were detailed and clear, I thought, so why wasn’t she “getting” what I was trying to explain?
My husband reread my last email. “Jan,” he said, “your email perfectly explains what you are trying to say, but it’s not perfect, because long detailed emails don’t allow for any exchange of ideas. They give the recipient the chance to overlook points that are important to you and focus on other points that might not be that important. You should have picked up the phone and called her hours ago. Sometimes a conversation beats an email all to heck!”
And he was right. So now when I’m tempted to launch into a big, drawn-out discussion via email, I pick up the phone instead if I can. Even though I can explain myself better on paper and hate talking on the phone, sometimes it’s just better!
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Jan Connair
8:53 am
I have sent many emails that I wish I could take back. Now, when I write an email, I make sure I would say those exact words if we were face-to-face.
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Laura
9:04 am
I always say that an email is to relay information or facts…not emotions. When you being to use email for emotions something will be taken out of context for sure!
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fullofboys
9:14 am
I sent an email a few weeks ago with information that should have been shared in person or at least on the phone. I did have to apologize. I hate it when that happens!
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j4man
9:16 am
Great tips.
I guess imagining JESUS being one of the receivers might keep me more on track. Just picture Him getting a copy of everything you send out. (I think He kinda’ does already but I never think about that.)
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SHerri
9:33 am
I just broke all my own rules and yours a few weeks ago. Even though I’ve apologized I don’t think I’ve been forgiven. Oh well. My #1 rule (that I broke) is to walk away from the computer and try to leave it until the morning after I’ve had time to process it and sleep on it. I usually never feel the same way in the morning as I did the day before. If I do still feel the same, I try to dissect the e-mail sentence by sentence so I get the full message rather than focusing on the ONE negative thing that set me off — you know, putting it in context.
Heidi Reed
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candidchatter
9:34 am
but what if the people are just dumb and can’t do math?!
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danielle
9:39 am
Totally agree. So simple in concept, right? But important to process and let sink in under skill so when upset don’t do something stupid and then wish you were drunk!
R
PS: The two chicks above me are cool. They are blog friends. Funny to comment near them. Kind of cool considering we west coasters start our day after you – you all must be thinkin’ about mid am coffee? We’re just starting to roll. Where ever you are in your day, hope it’s great!!!
PPSS: You and your Mrs. are cool too!
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Roxanne Kristina
9:42 am
I am probably in the minority to this point..knock on wood…I haven’t put my self in a bad email bind yet. Oh trust me when I say, Stupid can runt hrough my veins, but I have been lucky so far. Reason:
I tend to know I can say things that will come across wrong so I have always used a simple email rule..if it is dealing with some form of conflict or problem etc….it goes into my drafts for at least 1/2 day, then re-read and then sent if ready. Almost always, I delete the email and never send. Call on phone and work it out. It so far, has kept me off the “oh my God I can’t believe I sent it” list.
Thanks to you Pete I am probably Jinxed now and will send out a mass email today by accident making fun of my sister or something..
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Joseph
9:50 am
YES, YES, and YES!!!!
I’ve sent a few emails I wish I could get back. I try to talk to someone now, at least two people, my wife and a trusted friend before I send ‘responsive’ emails. This helps in two ways, it buys me time and it gives another voice to the situation. I’m not perfect at it, but getting better
BTW – Google could have you answer like 5 questions that could detect your attitude instead of a math problem to block the angry emails? Questions like, “Is this email in response to an email that just made you upset?” “Is there anything in this email that could potentially be embarrassing to you, your family, or your business?” Etc…I guess people could lie to bypass it though?
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ncarnes
9:56 am
My stepmom sent me a very hurtful and immature e-mail. I quickly typed an equally hurtful and immature response back. When I hit send, it wouldn’t go through because my wireless connection was lost. Thanks, God. I deleted the e-mail.
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squincheye
9:57 am
@danielle, Consider it a “drunk” and “stupid” email filter.
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Pete Wilson
10:00 am
@ncarnes, we should pitch it to them. I think we might be on to something!
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Pete Wilson
10:01 am
No I have not. Sometimes just typing it out and then rereading it calms ya down. Then by all means hit the DELETE button.
I wrote an email to the head football coach concerning my son’s concussion. I read it over a couple times but then decided not to send it as my son would not appreciate it. It was just sharing my feelings of my son’s injury, doctor’s advice, and trying to get across the severity of a concussion.
Then a week later I was able to have conferences with this guy ALONE and shared it with him. Yeah…that was a waste of hot air!
I never email/text what I would not say to that person face-to-face.
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Kath
10:03 am
I tend to ignore those emails when people send them to me. I just recently received a very hateful email from a family member a couple months back and I still have not replied. My Momma (yes I am from Alabama) always says if you do not have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. So that’s what I did and I knew it would hack her off more than a heated reply!
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Lisa
10:10 am
Too many times I’ve either been guilty of this or the reciepient of this. I agree that taking time before responding is huge and I always try to bounce my thoughts off at least one or two other people who I know will be honest with me and tell me if I’m 1) mis-interpretting something or 2) over-reacting.
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Jeff Honnold
10:16 am
I’m really sarcastic which I’ve found doesn’t translate well on email…I just come off like a jerk. I guess I should make a rule to stop being a smart-a, but I don’t know if I could pull that off.
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Morgan
10:29 am
my email rule – never use email to say no, that needs to be done on the phone or in person.
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Vince
10:32 am
A few years ago, when I had a corporate job, I accidentally hit “send” instead of “save” several times (in Outlook, the buttons were right next to each other) while writing emails. As a result, I disabled the “send email immediately when connected” in the Outlook options. By doing this, I have to hit the send and receive button to send email.
When I opened my public accounting practice, I added another procedure to email for quality control purposes. Now I go to the outbox, open the email, and verify that I am sending the email to the correct person.
I also have a procedure for when I’m mad. I’ll go ahead and create an email to the person I am angry at, giving the person “what for”, and then I’ll save the draft and a few hours later I’ll edit or delete the email. This let’s me get it out of my system without actually sending an email that is retaliatory or emotional from me.
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Scot Justice
10:32 am
This has been a tough lesson learned!! A lesson that now helps me very much in both business and personal… fortunately learned it prior to starting my own business.
I do a one-day rule before I respond. And if the response is going to have an conflict or confrontation to it at all, I simply request that we meet to discuss in person since the situation “appears to be too important for email and should be handled in person”. Often times, this suggestion diffuses not only my harsh thoughts – but forces the other person to also consider what they are really saying – and it’s often not as bad as it sounds in email.
I recently had this situation and simply decided not to respond all together (a HUGE step for me) and had to come to terms with the fact that thought scenario was simply unfair, it just wasn’t worth it for me to state my peace – it was not going to help the situation and it would only fuel the other side. But sticking to my one-day commitment allowed for me to figure this out.
Morgan – I have that same issue – what is going through our mind in sarcasm never seems to work in email – and for me, often not even in person!
[Reply]
Paula
10:37 am
If I have an issue I drunk call them.
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Giant Idiot
10:39 am
When I went through my divorce years ago, my ex would send me email responses to my attorney’s proposals without thinking. I kept them all. My theory is to always read back over emails and ask, “how would this sound if read in court.”
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Angela
10:50 am
From a legal techie networking geek point of view: your e-mail is not private. Just because it has a password does not make it private. Privacy is an illusion and legally, the e-mail is owned by the company who owns the server providing the e-mail service, not you. Anyone can request a copy from the ISP or e-mail server for legal reasons. Never write anything in an e-mail that you wouldn’t send through the mail on a regular post card.
Never use business e-mail accounts for personal responses.
Never use your web based e-mail at work.
Always use spell check.
Never put personal information in e-mails: phone #, address, SS#, etc.
And, My grandfather told me to “never drive when you have the reds.” (meaning you’re angry or upset). I guess this applies to e-mail as well. Both could end up in a wreck.
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Starwoodgal
10:52 am
I communicate better through written words than spoken ones, so I *do* rely on e-mail. But my one rule has saved me tremendous embarrassment. ALWAYS save it as a draft! I never send a serious e-mail the same day I first write it.
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Sarah Valente
10:57 am
I have never written an angry e-mail, but I did send an apology through e-mail once, and never got a response, so I feel awkward around that person now. Oh, and I wrote a letter to a friend last week, thanking them for helping get through some tough times. I saw them yesterday and they acted like I never gave them the letter. It’s weird. It makes me think I said something wrong. No more letters for me for awhile. I second guess myself too much.
Thanks for letting me vent. I couldn’t write this on my blog because my friend reads my blog.
[Reply]
jenn3
11:06 am
One of my best friends sent an email to a group of us, with the instructions of how we were gonna plan a surprise alcohol intervention for a friend. Unfortunately, she also included that friend when she sent it out!
There was no surprise intervention but I actually think our friend turned things around a bit just knowing her friends loved her enough to try to help.
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britt
11:06 am
@britt, that would so be something I would do. I bet they felt horrible.
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Pete Wilson
11:24 am
Part of the danger of e-mail is that there is an important check and balance missing that is present in a spoken conversation. When I am in a conversation, I can only say so much without getting some sort of feedback from the other parties in the conversation. I can see facial or body language cues that indicate what impact my statements are having. The other parties have the opportunity to interrupt me and let me know I am getting out of line or ask me for clarification if something I say causes questions about my intent. I can adjust my interaction to make sure that what I am really trying to say is what is being heard. Unfortunately, none of this comes into play in an e-mail. I sit here and blindly type away thinking that I am being perfectly clear in my communication, when that is often far from the truth. If some small ambiguity occurs in the first sentence of my e-mail, the whole tone of the rest of the message may be taken in a way I never intended. I may also word things far more strongly because I am not getting any of the feedback that would keep me in check in a face to face or phone conversation. This is always a danger as we tend to be bolder when we are hiding behind screens and keyboards.
The vast majority of my e-mail is work related, and my #1 rule of thumb is never to respond to an e-mail when I am upset about the content of the e-mail I am responding to without walking away from the computer, cooling off, and then reading through the response fully at least twice before hitting the send button. I also have on several occasions sent a draft of my response to a colleague to have them “proof read” it before I send it to the final recipient. I am sure this has prevented some serious career damage in the past…..
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Jim A
11:29 am
I sent an email to my mother-in-law once when I was angry. I regretted it immediately and prayed and prayed that something would happen to prevent her from getting the email. Long story short– she never got the email because she had not logged into her email for so long that it shut her out. She came to visit us and my husband was trying to get her back into her account, and I was in the kitchen praying that he couldn’t LOL. I don’t think we can rely on this method normally though– it was probably just a one time grace.
In response to those who wondered about the math-stupid people, I think the google drunk filter only applies at certain times, like weekends after midnight but I may be remembering wrong.
Leslie
[Reply]
My Twenty Cents Keeps Moving
11:51 am
@Jim A, I think this is exactly what I was trying to convey in my comment at the top, but you’ve explained it so much better than I did!
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Jan Connair
11:54 am
Ugh. [hangs shaking head in shame] Oh yeah. Sent an email to my supervisor complaining about one of my bosses. Sent it to the boss instead because his name was in my head. Crap. There should be a fingertip pulse sensor in the send key/mouse/track pad or a pop up asking “are you sure you want to send? please check pulse”. Or maybe it should just say “are you sure you want to look like an idiot?” Click yes or no.
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Joni
12:22 pm
Those are good rules Pete. Here is another one I try to follow. If there is any way that the words I am typing can be misconstrued, I do not type them. My wife once sent me an e-card (I am sure that we have all gotten them.) She e-mailed asked me if I got it and I told her yes and that it was cheesy (it was).
She responded: Cheesy!?! I’m hurt!
I responded: Are you playing or are you really hurt?
She responded: Gotta love e-mail…no tone to go with the message…I’m playing.
Written words can be so damaging if taken incorrectly.
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RickEstes
12:35 pm
I have to take Ambien to sleep and more often than not it causes “traveler’s amnesia” … which means I do things before going to bed that I have no recollection of in the morning. It’s always things I normally do, like check blogs or email. One time I cut my hair without remembering but that’s another story. Anyway, every morning I get up and check the ’sent’ box in my email to see who I wrote and what I said.
I’m just super grateful that I’m not a confrontational person because any email I send usually says something I would normally say.
Oh… @pete & @danielle… when it comes to math I’m not too proud to say I’d probably fail your stupid meter
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gitz
12:42 pm
What is weird is after reading this post and making a comment earlier today, I got an email that most likely should not have been sent.
Wonder if they were drunk when they sent it?
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j4man
1:01 pm
I use instant messenger a lot as well, and these same rules apply there. Very easy to say something and have it taken way wrong simply because the other person can not tell you were laughing when you were typing it. Those little smiley faces can help with this, but…..
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Jim A
1:24 pm
Dude…this would be invaluable for all of us to learn and put into practice. It is the very reason I am dealing with so much opposition in our leadership right now! I am passing this one along to a lot of people. Thanks for posting your ideas and sharing your thoughts. I am looking forward to talking later this week. Have a great day….Michael
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Michael Robison
1:33 pm
@Jim A, I talked to a girl last week whose boyfriend broke up with her via a text message. Now that’s low.
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Pete Wilson
1:38 pm
I’es comuunikate beast whens i’mes drunker..
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B.J.
1:55 pm
Yes, to you Pete
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Jody
2:11 pm
Timely. So glad you went with this post idea today!
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Anita
3:30 pm
@anita: timely because you’re drunk, or because you have someone to respond to?
just kidding!
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gitz
4:26 pm
I’ve accidentally sent an email to the wrong person. Oops! Also, I have written comments on blogs i wish I hadn’t. I realize I could go back and delete them, but if they’ve already been read, the damage was done. I agree with your rules…. very wise!
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Brenda
4:57 pm
@brenda, better safe than sorry.
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Pete Wilson
7:23 pm
If I’m angry or intense and emailing, I open a new window and don’t fill in the “to” field unless i’m sure i’m ready to send. That way not even *I* am stupid enough to send it accidentally.
Yes, I’ve been bitten by the “oh, crap I didn’t meant to send this” bug. Did a reply instead of a forward once … horrifyingly embarrassing.
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bgsand
7:37 pm
oh man, amen on this post and those ‘rules’. I have really made a mess of things quite a few times on online communication — firing away without taking time to let the Spirit guide me.
I had to laern all these lessons the hard way — and now I do have that wait an hour rule — but sometimes I increase it to 24 hours.
thanks for this — so so important.
I wish we could really learn this lessons from listening to others — but it seems this is one of those lessons we have to learn for ourselves and make mistakes before we really “get” the lesson
have a great day
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randi :)
7:59 pm
If I had a pound for every emotionally intense e-mail I’d sent…well, I’d be a very rich koala!!
I think I’m not so bad with e-mails as I am with text messages or voicemail.
[Reply]
brunettekoala
8:11 pm
I wait 24 hours
I pray
I ask my husband to read it
I then delete it because there is usually more unclear than clear
I pray
I get the nerve and call (I am afraid of rejection)
I am learning if it is with people you love and who you love, think the best of them, believe in their love, forgive, give mercy so mercy will be shown to you. Ask forgiveness for your part (most of the time it is 1/2 my fault) and forgive.
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Ruthie
8:29 pm
It’s the “reply all” key that is the killer. You get use to using it for business and then you say something personal while automatically hitting it that definitely does not make the world a better place. Ha!
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Archie
9:57 pm
I try to remember a couple things for e-mail and verbal replies:
First: Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”
Second: Is my need to say this thing right now in this way more so important that I’m willing to harm or even destroy this relationship by doing it?
Changes my outlook a lot, just that asking “is it worth it?” question.
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Faye
10:55 pm
All I can say is “don’t do it!” I’ve been involved in a very long, drawn out dramatic ordeal…most of which has been via email. I got sucked in, and it’s embarrassing to admit. But the truth is, I didn’t have to respond in kind. If I know in my heart that actual speaking conversation is best, from now on I will follow that instinct.
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Brooke
12:03 am
YES THERE IS A RECALL BUTTON! IF you subscribe to READNOTIFY.COM! YOU CAN get your email back!
You also can send a self destructing email as well! Those are neat. You send it, the person opens it and has a count down ticker going…and poof it blows up! Never to be seen or found again! It also can track your emails, what city (global) it is opened in, where your emails are forwarded to…etc. Check it out. It’s really neat.
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S.P.
12:29 am
@gitz LOL! I just panicked thinking maybe somebody asked me that question. Had no idea it would be you. For the record, I wasn’t drunk…because I wasn’t drunk; not because I simply want a clean record.
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Anita
1:00 am
I just write the first email then save it as a draft. After an hour or two, I delete the draft and write a new one! At least I feel better by venting through the first draft! Thank God for the delete button!
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Tracey Smith
3:22 am
when i was in college, we used to do this on the telephone. my how times have changed.
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Jeff
2:51 pm
I’ve sent my fair share of emails that I wished I could take back. I’m one of those who often speaks or acts before I truly think about it and then after I really think about it I regret it. I think my rule would be to take an hour or even day before replying to an email.
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Amy
3:18 pm
so funny that you wrote this today! I actually just got “in trouble” because I wrote a sentence with an * at the beginning from my boss. I was told that it was rude! I apparently need all the email advice there is! Have a great Thursday!
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Krystal
4:19 pm
I have on one occasion written a letter when I was ready to blow the fuse, thankfully, I didnt have the postage to send it immediately(yep, I am old and have had the luxury of email only in the past decade). I had to wait till the next morning but by then I had cooled off and realized it was a waste of my time and money to send it anyway. Lesson learned, I made it a ground rule to not answer mail when I am emotional.
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mysoul
12:52 am
If only there was something for actual talking… would be great to muzzle myself when I am angry at wifey! LOL!
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Tre Lawrence
12:46 pm
both those rules are amazing – everyone should live by them.
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alex
3:29 pm
I really liked your blog post,
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amazon acai
4:16 am
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