Forgive The Church?
I meet people all the time that have been hurt by the church. I understand. I’ve wrestled with a love/hate relationship with the church most of my life. I read these words the other day and they really challenged me.
“When we have been wounded by the Church, our temptation is to reject it. But when we reject the Church it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ. When we say, “I love Jesus, but I hate the Church,” we end up losing not only the Church but Jesus too.
The challenge is to forgive the Church.
This challenge is especially great because the Church seldom asks us for forgiveness, at least not officially. But the Church as an often fallible human organization needs our forgiveness, while the Church as the living Christ among us continues to offer us forgiveness.
It is important to think about the Church not as “over there” but as a community of struggling, weak people of whom we are part and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer.”
What do you think? As part of the church what can we do to help those that have been wounded by our actions? For those of you that have been hurt, what do you think about forgiving?
42 Comments:
I grew up in a very legalistic church and home and have many scars from the extreme religious bondage I was in. Lisa and I have talked about how crazy it is that I’m actually trying to plant a church when the church caused so much pain in my life growing up.
Thankfully I’ve been able to let God bring healing in my life and not see the church through the lens of my past experiences. You can always find things you don’t like about a particular church but it’s important to remember that this is God’s Bride, his chosen vehicle for bringing the gospel to the world.
It’s up to us to be the church to the world around us – to be life-giving extensions of Christ’s body. In a world that has been so turned off to Christianity we have a tough job but person-by-person, we can help to rebuild and restore the image of the church to the world.
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bradruggles
8:09 am
Hey Pete…For me, I think it is so important for those in leadership at church to be as real and authentic as they can be. When your congregation sees the church being real, then that will overflow into their lives and they will be ok with being “Christian and being real.” For all of us…we struggle with being Christian and being real. The more real we are, others who have been wounded and hurt are probably more willing to embrace the imperfect people that we are.
Have a great day!
Blessings~
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Fran
8:10 am
Being brought up Roman Catholic I was an unwed mother at the age of 19 and no catholic church would babtize my daughter because I was unmarried. I did not go back to church until my children were older and I enrolled them in a christian school. I felt shunned by the church and did not understand how they could not welcome a child of God.
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Gina
8:35 am
I grew up a PK (preacher’s kid). Sadly, some of the meanest people I’ve met so far have been church members!
Although at times it has been very tempting to throw the baby out with the bath water, I’ve learned some valuable lessons from even the meanest of “em!
I’ve learned that God has placed them in my life for a reason.
Some have caused ugly things in me that I didn’t even know were there, to surface so I could deal with those things.
Just like with my own family, there are times that they are easy to love, and there are times that are NOT so easy to love at all. But with my family, I see their weaknesses, but choose to love them anyway- I focus on their strengths, I “cover them”. (They’ve been doing this for me for years!)
I try to view my church family the same way.
As a gospel singer, I have sung in churches that had been horrible to my father when he ministered there years before.Something initially that was very hard for me to do.
I forgave them finally.
I just chose to look at them this way… They are a creation of God. He loves, them, they are precious to Him. They are struggling- maybe I can help.
Not forgiving one of my sons, parents, or husband and separating myself from them would not even be an option. I try to think of church members along the same lines. It would break me if I knew my sons despised each other! I want my children to appreciate their brothers and love them, listen and respect each other’s often very different opinions. And if they should find themselves in the middle of a head lock or “half Nelson”, they would stop and say, “What am I doing? This is my brother, I love this guy!” And LET GO!
As far as those who have been hurt by the church, I try to validate their feelings, ask forgiveness and show them ,with actions, not just words, the true love of Christ. BE TRANSPARENT before GOD and Man. Thy’ll appreciate it.
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SHerri & Alan Murphy
8:37 am
@Sherri, I’m praying so hard that my boys will be protected from such attitudes in the church!
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Pete Wilson
9:11 am
Interesting topic considering a couple of things that have come up in the news in Dallas the past couple of weeks!
First, a church in our own ‘little’ suburb printed a one page apology in the DMN (Dallas Morning News) – it was to those dealing with AIDS and how the church has been so quiet on the issue.
Second, just this week a news story broke about the Southern Bapt. Seminary in Ft. Worth where a staff member declared something along the lines that birth control was murder and therefore a sin. It didn’t have a good media spin, so I went to the SWBTS web site and watched the chapel service – his message was more along the lines of letting God be God and not trying to take control of our own destiny. However, he did call birth control sin…not a good call imho!
Growing up in the legalistic atmosphere that I did, I think sometimes a leader is convicted of something in his life and instead of teaching a different way to look at life, pronounces whatever it is sin and that is when people begin to feel judged…because they are.
I sometimes see how ‘the church’ can take an issue, make it a sin and leave the heart out of the equation…and you cannot do that! It took years before my dear hubs saw the massive sin in his life because he felt so judged and it only drove him deeper! I had to shut up and let God do the talking….and my life has been so blessed since then. I think sometimes pastors need to do that, too!!! Of course, that means you have to have relationship with your congregants…another sticky subject for me so I will close before I preach a sermonette!!
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Pamela
10:09 am
Gina wow!
Not to judge but it is hard for me to understand not baptizing a baby under those circumstances. My daughter is an unwed mother and it has been hard on my wife and me at times but, thank God, no one in our church shunned her or my incredible grandson. I can understand, even though it might be wrong, them being jugdemental with your or my daughter. Again, I don’t agree with it but I at least know where the misguided attitudes are coming from, but to shun a child. May God have mercy on them.
To the question….
Forgiving frees us from bondage. I have heard many great pastors, WaxyOne included, talk about this and it is so true. Christ is returning for his bride, the church. That is a fact! We as the church need to remember that and we as individuals in the church need to always find a way to make peace with the universal church at least. It might not be possible to stay in a church that has hurt you because of biblical reasons but we always need to make peace with that church and that peace comes through true forgiveness.
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Harold
10:11 am
Interesting topic. So many things get equated to the ‘church’. Is it the leadership, the congregation, someone in the church, a doctrinal stance of the body of believers?
Any one of those things may have been the cause of a riff. Do you forgive the church for taking a doctrinal stance that is sound? Is the whole congregation at fault for the actions of one of their members? Is the WHOLE congregation ever really against somebody (maybe it can happen in small churches)? If the leadership is at fault, then it needs to be addressed.
There are two very different groups of people that may be addressed by this question – believers and the unbelievers (or whatever labels one likes to use).
If one is a believer then they have the Holy Spirit to lead them to truth if they are willing to be obedient. Time to put on the big boy pants and deal with the situation whatever it may be. That may sound harsh – if so, my apologies for the hurt feelings but not necessarily the statement, because sometimes the truth is straight forward and blunt.
For the unbeliever, hopefully they will come to the realization that the church (the people who gather together for the purpose of fulfilling the Christian imperative) is made up of imperfect people who have the same faults and character flaws as they do. God is still working on them. They don’t have it all together. Hopefully they will be able to forgive something that was done in haste or without thinking. Church bodies may need to apologize in many instances for putting on a front that they are more then what they are. We are a group of undeserving individuals who only have peace and joy because we have met a Big God who can transcend the junk we cause or have been through without us having the ability to earn any of it. If we keep that forever in our mind, then we can practice the humility that Christ put on display for us.
I am currently doing a series on my blog called “Crisis of Faith” where I am trying to ‘rediscover’ what church is supposed to be – or what it isn’t. Its a big topic to tackle. As part of the church though, I feel that I owe the following apologies:
To the homeless – I am sorry that I have not found you out and given you a warm place to rest your head. I am sorry that I haven’t had the compassion for you that I should.
To the hungry – forgive me because I have known plenty while you cried yourself to sleep from the pains in your stomach and the weakness in your limbs.
To the widows and orphans – you don’t know me because I haven’t given you the chance and for that I am truly sorry. You are my sisters and brothers and I have neglected you.
To the stranger on the street – I apologize because I have been more interested in my comfort. The comfort of my home, of my car, and of my church. I didn’t want to get uncomfortable and risk getting to know you or invite you to know me and the hope that I have.
Hmm… much to think about …. but much more to do.
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tonyyork
10:22 am
I second what others have already said – transparency! To see that people in the church are real, not perfect, and sometimes fail miserably in many areas of their life has taught me to embrace the church.
I grew up in a church that went through a series of pastors – none that I ever felt comfortable with. I strayed for a long time because of one particular pastor who I felt was so fake – it drove me insane (and to be clear, I strayed for MANY reasons, he was just one of them). Part of it certainly came from my misconceptions of church and pastors, but when I look back at what happened to the church (my parents left about 8 years ago and they now have about 12 members) I can’t help but think perhaps I wasn’t so wrong. I don’t hold any ill will to any of them, but am so thankful for our time at crosspoint and our relationship with the waxy family – both have turned my faith around. we’ve been looking for a church here in St. Louis and I’m finding that I’m having the same issues – people feel fake to me, and quite honestly, I feel fake at times – it’s one of those things that I hope to now be able to discern whether its coming from me and my expectations of the church (incredibly difficult to compare to crosspoint) or if something else is truly there. What I am sure of now is that I know where to find the answer – I’m looking to God and not to man or myself to help me on this journey.
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holly
10:29 am
No doubt the church has harmed many – some irreparably. But this tragedy too can be redeemed by Christ for future generations.
Beyond Nouwen’s challenge to “forgive the church” is the need we all have to seek the grace and capacity to “become the church.” This is especially important for those who have been hurt by the church. So they can say, in effect, I will, with God’s help, undo this wrong by actively seeking to see that others do not have to suffer as I have. I will help to transform the church and make it good.
This is, after all, what Christ meant for the church to be – “living stones” as Peter wrote – not a building or cold institution but throngs of believers, wounded, yes – but hearts softened by his love, seeking the lost. And by this, when we become the church, those we touch receive what they need most. Instead of a new set of rules to follow, people receive the freedom that comes through redemption. Instead of condemnation they receive empowerment to pick themselves up and begin again. Instead of adherence to dead ritual they can immerse themselves in strengthening worship and through it all, give glory to God.
When we are the church as Christ intended – even with our imperfections and scars – we can soar.
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Mike in Milwaukee
10:44 am
Good words my friend. Been there, maybe still there a little bit when I see old pastors of mine. One thing that I had to realize is that the pastors that I have had are as weak as me and I must give them room to strengthen. I have offered a healing hand, but always got that organized religion shoulder. The pretense of “I’m good, you’re good” and not having true heart and gut checks was more than I could do any longer. I believe that we can heal the wounded that we as the church wounded by simply going to the ones that “we know” we have hurt. Don’t just pass them by with the hopes of getting by the passing without exposing the wounds, or a quick exchange of a “Hey Brother.”. We must expose the wounds. They will not heal in darkness. We must not act like we care, we must be the verb care. Sadly enough in my experiences, most of the hurt has come from those pastoring or those on staff. Most were “self-contained” and were not there in the midst of the people. They seemed to always be the “untouchables.” I love your heart Pete and find it real here on your blog.
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Joey
10:52 am
@Joey, “We must expose the wounds. They will not heal in darkness.”
Great stuff man. Thanks for sharing.
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Pete Wilson
11:12 am
I grew up in a legalistic church. The whole list of what you had to DO for God to love you. It’s taken years for me to love Christ and live for Him simply because – rather than a checklist of what I must do.
I agree, though, that we have to forgive the church — just like we forgive anyone, it’s a command. As leaders, do it different. We can’t do the same judging, condemning and spiteful things that have been done in the past. I believe it was Paul, when writing to the Corinthians who said something about we’re not to judge those outside the church, but we are to take a long & steady look at those who ARE. Seems like we’re supposed to govern behavior to keep this kind of thing from happening….
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Faye
11:34 am
I think we’ve all been hurt by the church at some point. But the important thing to remember, is We Are The Church… and if churches were made up of perfect people, none of us could join. Some of the grievances are just flat out inexcusable! Absolutely, I see that. But I know our Father in Heaven is Ancient of Days. He knows. He cares. And He will provide ultimate justice. I’m so grateful He provided ultimate Salvation.
Blessings, Whitney
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Whitney @ Baby Tunnel Exodus
11:47 am
I agree with a lot of these comments, especially with Sherri’s post, and I worry about my own daughter as a PK. So far she sees church as a fun and loving place to be, and I hope she continues to feel that way.
I think the biggest problem is that many people who are hurt by the church just walk away, neither confronting the church and its leaders about the pain that happened nor giving the church the opportunity to seek them out and ask for forgiveness. We must be authentic and honest, but so often the people that need to hear our honesty are not longer in the room, and w need to go find them. I think of the eighth step in Alcoholics Anonymous, intentionally seeking out those we have harmed. How can the church not only seek forgiveness but seek the ones from whom we need to ask forgiveness?
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Becca
12:08 pm
Funny this topic should come up. We just finished a relationship series at my church and I was asked to preach the final week on dealing with hypocritical people.
I definitely believe we have to forgive the church and those who have been hypocritical and hurtful through it. It’s hard to convey that to a young believer if they have been wounded, but when I did my message I simply took people to the place where Jesus forgave and loved us. (Colossians 3:11 – Jesus didn’t care whether we were uncivilized, barbaric, etc…he chose to love us) As 2 Corinthians said, Jesus reconciled us and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. So though the church (as a whole) has not always been “Christ-like” – We as individuals should still be, that requires love and forgiveness on our part to those who have hurt us.
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ncarnes
12:15 pm
I’m Catholic, and I’m not shocked that happened to Gina. I think there would have been some priests that would have done the baptism and others that enjoy judging more than counseling. My grandmother was told in confession that she would not be absolved of her sin unless she sent my mom to a new Catholic high school that was opening. They didn’t have money, but they found a way and made my mom switch high schools to save my grandma’s soul.
It turned out ok because that’s where she met my dad.
But my point is that while there are many positions of the church itself I may disagree with, almost everything that has affected me personally has been when a priest has made his own decisions of right and wrong. In the end, a lot of it comes down to forgiving the people in order to forgive the church. I helped a priest plan a Mass of repentance for all those who were abused by priests and sang at it, later to find out he too had abused someone. It’s not even my hurt to forgive, but it’s moments of hypocricy that make it hard to trust.
In the end, if our way of dealing with hurt is to stop going to church (whatever church that may be) because of past experiences, then we are still allowing those who hurt us to run our lives. Letting go and moving forward in faith allows the perspective to forgive sometimes, rather than waiting for the pain to go away before you find yourself back at church. Hard to do sometimes, but I find it harder to forgive if the pain is never faced.
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sara
12:17 pm
This has been a struggle for me. I have been in three situations, two of which deep hut occurred as a result of a church leadership. It really makes you want to quit.
Here is the thing…saying “I love Jesus and hate the church” would be like someone telling me “I really love you but I hate your husband”. How could I be in a relationship with someone who hated my spouse? I couldn’t. He’s number 1 with me (other than Jesus).
The Bible says that the church is the bride of Christ. How can we love Jesus but hate his bride?
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cbgrace
12:21 pm
To Pete and Becca and any other Pastor raising PK’s, my greatest teaching about the church came from my Parents, (my Pastor and his wife). Their influence, because they were very transparent,Godly people, affected me more for the positive than any of the mean-spirited church members ever did! If your children should witness some of the ugliness, use it as a life lesson, a teaching tool ,and they too, will be able to embrace their entire “family”,warts and all, with sincere love and forgiveness.
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SHerri & Alan Murphy
12:35 pm
The comments of tonyyork and Whitney are resonating with me. Anytime I read a post about “the church”, I wonder whether that phrase has become rather ambiguous–kind of like “liberalism” or “conservative politics” or “emergent/emerging theology”
I have been “churched” most of my life. And have seen what I would call abuses again and again at the hands of “church” leadership and “church” people.
About a year and half ago I left my then “church” of twelve years and took a vacation from church-as-an-institution. I can honestly say that this period of my life has been the most fulfilling spiritually and has drawn me much closer to God than I ever was when I was a card-carrying member of a “church.” For one thing, I now have time to spend with God. Before, I was so busy serving the “church”, that God, my family, and friends really got the leftovers.
I do attend a weekly, small-group, Bible study associated with a particular instituational “church.” The focus there is supporting one another through the ups and downs of life and attempting to understand how God would have us respond to those things. After attending for about a year, that group is now being transformed from the authentic, transparent, open and safe place it once was to a vision-driven, growth-oriented, leadership-imposed church-think-tank. All I can think is here we go again…
So this is where my thoughts lie currently–the reason that I keep experiencing the same crap over and over again with “church” groups is either:
a. I’m the problem, and I can’t escape myself, though I do pray daily that God will continue to transform my selfish nature and help me to become more open to the move of His spirit in my life, OR
b. The “church” organization is the problem, and it will not be adequately transformed until, AS A WHOLE UNIT, it begins to give up the business or entertainment mindset and seek the fresh anointing of God.
I believe it’s likely a combination of both. But, I also think it is possible that our basic definition of “church” is wrong, that God intends to radically change the way “church” exists in the coming days, and that actually we (each believer in his or her own already established community of family, neighborhood, job site, social network, and world at large) ARE the church, so there is no need for ” organized church” as America does it.
Think of the millions of dollars that might be donated to those truly in need if we did away with “church” buildings, mortgages, sound equipment, landscaping fees, church staff salaries, etc.!
I know it’s a pretty weird thing to hear–especially for those of us who have been raised in the box of “church” and who are chided for going too far without getting strapped back into a differently decorated box (but still a box or a slightly more transparent bubble.)
Thank you for asking these questions and for encouraging this discussion. I need to be reminded every now and then that some people still find value in the institutional church. And now I think I shall check out the blog of tonyyork…
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ttm
12:53 pm
Go back 500 years and this struggle of church and forgiveness gets named by a guy named John Calvin as “the visible church” vs. “the invisible (true) church,” so even a church reformer like Calvin got ticked at Christians who were less than real. I sure resonate with folks who’ve found the worst Christians and the best within churches. Same with pastors as I have found pastors who are incredible examples of the faith, and some who are truly disgusting and deceptive. My only take on this is that the Church, and that’s us, needs to sharpen the sense of discernment…to read genuine from pseudo and to own up when I am my own biggest disappointment. Then I need to run quickly to the Grand Forgiver, which I do. Frequently.
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Tom
12:58 pm
Yeah I agree — it’s almost like you’ve been reading the conversations going on at kathyescobar.com ‘s place.
I think it’s extremely hard if not possible to claim one part of The Body — but not others. You’re either part of it or not. Merciful to all or not. Forgiving to all or not. If you’re a part of the arm, you’re a part of The Body.
the point was not for the arm to point out what’s wrong with the leg —- but for the arm & leg to embrace their differences and the fact they were designed to reach different people!! to despite all the differences learn to love, work together, have mercy, forgive, move forward ….. be christlike to those not in the Body yet…. and be christlike to those IN the Body!
wow … pretty cool stuff. thanks for making me think and letting this free flow writing come out. I like what God spoke to me there…..
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Randi :)
1:04 pm
***sorry there’s some problems with being free flow — I forget to go back & spell check & rewrite mistakes…….
corrections:
a) “I think it’s extremely hard if not IMpossible”
b) I don’t know if I explained good enough — but basically – there are different ‘types’ or ‘ways’ of doing church….. denominations/movements/structures/etc……. ultimately we’re all one yet we tend to focus on the differences & condemning each other’s ways…more than God, who is supposed to be the focus.
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Randi :)
1:07 pm
A few short years ago, I’d not have been able to relate to this post. I’ve been a Christian since I was small and now I’m in my 60′s. My husband and I have been leaders in our local church for years and had settled in quite comfortably. That is, until about 2 years ago when “something” blind-sided us that caused a turmoil, the ousting of a beloved pastor and things changed drastically. People who were culpable were incapable of admitting their involvment and more things changed. Matthew 18 was attempted but to no avail. So we left our church. It’s been a process to heal and the process is continuing. We’re in a anew church and have been embraced lovingly. But still we have the wounds. Forgiveness is a process, we’re finding and it will probably be a long haul. We live in a small town and every now and then still see some of our former (shall I say??) friends. It’s always awkward and I yearn for the day of being comfortable once again.
I must emphasize here, that in our pain we never thought of leaving The Church. We knew we needed to plug in to another group of believers and that too is a process. To find the “right” church is never easy!
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Libby
1:22 pm
I want to say that separating from this church wasn’t done lightly. There was rejection from a faction of people who felt change needed to come and in a way that wasn’t Godly, got the pastor to resign. Because we were friends with our pastor (he’d been in this church for over 20 years)…was where the rejection came. The leadership that was in “control” then steered things in a more “corporate-world” sort of way rather than trusting in God and waiting upon Him. They wanted more “fluff” rather than the meat of the Gosple. Two years later the giving is down and several people are no longer employed there. People who have chosen to stay for whatever reason (the long-term people) have shared unhappiness in the “new regime”. It’s a sad thing all the way around. What once was a vibrant, growing church was side-swiped by…’the enemy’ who is out to divide and destroy!
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Libby
1:34 pm
i wish i knew how to forgive the church. it’s not that i hate the church, but i just don’t feel like i belong. every time i am in a christian setting i become tense and somewhat protective over my heart.
this is really hard since i am a youth pastor. i find myself telling the teens one thing, but believing another.
*sigh
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Tommy
1:41 pm
My husband and I are in a bible study right now called H2O A journey of Faith. It’s a basic bible study for those who aren’t Christians, but we are using it as a tool to be able to relate to those who are not Christians. Last night was about people being turned off from the church…being hurt from the church…etc. We need to understand where someone is coming from before we can begin to help them heal.
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Annabelle@Christian Momma
2:09 pm
Sorry… ( there I go apologizing again ) but I mentioned my blog and didn’t link it. This is not an advertisement to check out my blog but a method to get to it more easily if you are so inclined to read about my “Crisis of Faith” concerning the church.
My thoughts are still rough and need to be taken with a grain of salt … I am a thinking person just like the rest of you and I don’t have all the answers and never will. But I think its important to always continue to learn and be ready to be taught.
God Bless you all.
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tonyyork
3:15 pm
No…thank you for the quote.
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Jason Boucher
3:15 pm
Hey, tonyyork, I googled your name and the blog title “Crisis of Faith” and found your interesting blog, “Quiet Utterings” at http://tonyyork.wordpress.com/
I didn’t post a comment yet because I’m letting all your “rough” thoughts percolate a bit, but I have added your blog to my favorites and am REALLY interested in where your thoughts are taking you related to all things “church.”
Thanks for the invite to your blog…
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ttm
3:24 pm
I did it again.. didn’t I? I am soooo scattered brained!
http://tonyyork.wordpress.com
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tonyyork
3:57 pm
this is a big issue, especially with growing churches. They tend to attract ‘wounded’ people from other churches
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Vince
4:00 pm
Being raised an atheist for the first 26 years, I jumped into the church thing, and after 10 years have spent many more years than that unlearning what I was taught. Sometings were done with the best of intentions, most were done because of selfishness and by those who laid down Christ’s sword and pick up their own.
We were part of 13 that planted a church 13 years ago and now there are over 1500. As the Grandmother, I feel we have again done things that we all said we would never do. If you are going to attend church, any church – there are going to be problems. This side of heaven, that is jsut the way it is. I do best when I don’t forget that…
The
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nana z
4:36 pm
I attended 3 different churches growing up and my family left each one due to pastors who were simply not men of good character. Having witnessed pastors who have lied excessively, used power to manipulate and hurt, been involved in sexual scandal, etc….. it is extremely difficult for me to forgive the church. Not one of these men accepted responsiblity for their actions. Not one asked forgiveness. Not one tried to make things right. In fact, when confronted they became angry and lashed at church members….caused extreme hurt…..ripped churches apart. I have attempted to get past this and find new churches. I simply cannot find a church led by a person who hasn’t abused that position. There is one pastor in my 36 years that I can say I trust and his church is simply not an option due to distance. I don’t know how to let the past go and start over with church and for that matter with God. I have stopped trying for the moment.
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Jenn
6:05 pm
I grew up as the oldest daughter to a minister of music. I grew with enthusiasm and passion for his position and the work he did. I grew yearning to be involved in that mission and use the talents within me in the same way. However, life has a way of being interrupted and footholds of sin come creeping in. At the ag of 19, in my first semester of college…a baptist college…I found myself expecting a child. Obviously this was a time of pain and confession in my small world. However, it was the places that I was hoping to find support in that caused the most pain. The college I was attending asked me to leave. The church we attended pushed my family out. My father did all but disown me. I gave birth to a glorious baby boy that is now 11 years old and the oldest of four light bearing children. Over the years, I have tried to put myself back into church. My husband and I attended one church that we adored and became quite involved in. Critical attitudes and power struggles pushed us away. We aren’t power hungry people. We aren’t pushy people. Now I am in a place that I find confusing and painful. I want the compassion of that small group of people. But I am so afraid to enter into that relationship again and let my heart out and be open. The pain that comes has been more that I am able to bear and rebound from. I hurt. It can be said as many times as you would like that you have to acknowledge what the situation was, forgive, and move on. But for those of you who haven’t experienced it or are stronger and more capable of rebounding…I have to say…there is nothing harder than putting your heart out on the line and having it crushed and left damaged. Repair is not an easy process…especially when you do it alone. Be transparent. Yes that is very helpful. But you have to go where the hurt are. You have to meet us where we are and make that relationship and build that bond away from the building. Make the connection…be real…be concerned…be the stitches that draw the wound together. The heart is a precious package and when it breaks, it may be able to mold back together. But, like any fine china, the cracks and other scars are still there. And next time you are more skiddish of letting it out. Hearts break and spirits die. Heal from outside the building. The relationship can build back the broken.
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Rebecca Parrish
8:51 pm
It’s so God that this would come up because I was up late Tuesday night talking to a new friend that had been through the same things that I had in our respective denominations. I don’t think I really realized it until I was talking to her but, after several years, God did allow me to grow and forgive to the extent I could actually attend services there for long stretches at one time (long story, but it was necessary) and actually grow in God through the process. It is unfortunate, but I believe God showed me things that caused me to see that I was depending too much on people (folks that I almost “worshipped” that turned out to be cimininally flawed) and not depending on His grace and mercy. I had to learn to have more of a relationship with the Lord and rely less on those around me – not that I don’t need those relationships, I just have them in a different perstpective now.
[Reply]
myGodisHUGE
9:16 pm
Oh, Rebecca. Your comment, which is saturated with wisdom, breaks my heart. Though the details of our stories are different, I can relate to your experience.
I think it is supremely difficult for people who have not been shattered to understand the fragility of those who have been. It is one thing to have a little crack and still be handled with loving care and considered useful for service. It is another thing altogether to be intentionally dropped and hastily swept into the dustpan.
There is such a wide chasm between these two realities that only the Spirit can bridge that gap.
My experience has been that many institutional churches consider repairing dishes a waste of time. They are, instead, consumed with finding new, pretty, and useful pieces to display in their respective china cabinets.
Lately, I’ve come to think of God less as a potter with clay and more like an artist who is skilled in the craft of taking broken bits of pottery and designing colorful mosaics. I’m hoping that maybe those of us who’ve been destroyed can somehow be pieced back together so that we are even more beautiful (and useful) than we were before…I do believe that, with God, all things are possible.
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ttm
9:23 pm
Brilliant words Joey, I pray just pray that Pete and your staff at Crosspoint can be accessibe and remain authentic.
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jeff
9:45 pm
Pete, something my (now) pastor said to me back in the beginning of our relationship, (when I was still spinning, hurt, angry, defensive, and confused) was this, “I had to realize that every one of those in leadership who hurt me were just men like me who were not comfortable in their own skin. I had to ask God to give me His eyes for them. In that I found compassion. In compassion I found healing.”
That changed my life. It was a process of praying for them, who I deemed my enemies at the time. They weren’t, they were trying to pastor me but they were as jacked up as I was in some aspects. I had to let go of the hurt, pain, and ask for God’s eyes. He gave them to me and now I have true love and compassion for them. I pray every day for them still, and I won’t stop. Thing is, out of this I found out what true love was, and I’d say I love them more now than I did when they were my pastors.
My pastor now, being a totally authentic, real person with me helped heal me a lot. His patience with me (even to this day) astounds me. He didn’t push, he waited till God said go, and until I asked, then he was totally truthful with me. In LOVE. To top it off, he never once asked me to be or do something he hadn’t already modeled in his life.
The most he has ever done for anyone as a leader in our church, is LIVE his life the way he preaches it. That has changed me and healed me more than ever because it pushed me into God’s face.
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Ronni
11:13 pm
I was hurt by the church I went to. I was judged by the others memeber. I’ve forgiven te church. Granted, it took me some time but I finally did.
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Amy
11:42 pm
As a junior high youth leader, I was hurt by church politics in a church that I faithfully attended for 6 years. Unfortunately, I was too naive to see it and too weak to address it at the time. It ultimately lead me to find another place of worship. It helped that I remembered an old Amway talk where the speaker was fielding excuses and said, “I didn’t like my third grade teacher but I didn’t quit, I just looked past her.” And that’s what I did, although it did put a bad taste in my mouth for sometime.
Looking back, I wish I would have confronted it head on. I realize that all men, even those in the pastorate, are not without fault. I don’t know how receptive they would have been but at least I’d be feeling like I handled it appropriately and maybe even diverted their attention back to the center.
My advice: Address it (Matt 18:15); if that doesn’t work, find the address of a different church. Lord knows that we’ve got enough baggage of our own that we don’t need to be carrying somebody else’s.
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brianshaw
8:50 pm
I am quilty of saying the words that I hated the church and loved Jesus Christ as my Savior. Growing up, I can only remember preachers who were only there for the people who claimed to be sinless. I cannot remember them ever helping the ones that really needed help so when a bad experience happened to be in a church that I had been a member of for thirteen years, I did not realize how much distrust I had for the church. My family was one of the people that the past pastors did not help. I can remember when we were going through a rough time and the pastor would go past our house to the perfect church member lived with out sin. I cannot find the forgiveness for the past. I am the first to admit that I am a sinner. I just get the feeling from the church that sinner are not allowed. Only perfect people without sin are welcome. I asked for forgiveness from God for my sins but that does not seem to be enough. I love Jesus Christ more than anything. I am a homeschool Mom now and I am finding out that this is the most wonderful thing for my children. We have a bible class every day and I am seeing our kids growing more in faith and confidence. I hate that church is not part of our lives but like John the Baptist who lived in the wilderness away from people because that was his calling from God. I will continue teaching my children about the importance of God and Jesus in their lives. I hope someday that I will learn to trust the church and the people in it. My sins are between me and God. If he forives me, then how can the people who are judging me now really call themselves Christians.
[Reply]
FAM
6:03 am
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