I mentioned a couple of weeks ago on the blog that I I had come to a new realization of “pride” in my life. The source of this pride was a desire to be “loved” at all cost.
I have a lot of friends in ministry that are addicted to this pride-swelling choice as well.
For most of my life and certainly all of my ministry, I’ve been addicted to pleasing everyone. It didn’t matter if it cost me my personality, my family, or even at times my vow to speak truth. I just wanted to be “loved”.
- I would ignore the sincere compliments of others to be obsessed with the few critics.
- I would abandon my boundaries and go above and beyond to “help” someone while ignoring my family.
- I would put off the tough leadership decisions trying to keep all sides content.
Why? Simple. I wanted to be “loved”.
But let me tell you something. Leading with a desire to be loved is dangerous. Parenting with a desire to be loved can be destructive. And if you spend your life trying to be loved instead of loving it’s going to lead you to all kinds of unhealthy extremes.
Part of learning humility for me is to understand I simply can’t please everyone. Not everyone is going to like me, love me, or think I’m great. They’re just not.
I feel like I’m growing in this area. I’m learning the freedom that comes along with seeking to “love” instead of always desiring to “be loved”. The first leads to meaning and significance while the latter was an emotional black hole that could never be filled.
I pray you will learn to live in the Kingdom and be freed from the sheer stupidity and vanity of going through life trying to make sure other people think the right things about you. I pray you’ll receive the fact that you are “loved” in the eyes of God in such a way that you can go out to lead and live, seeking to truly love the people around you.
Enough about me. What do you think? Are you desiring to be “loved” or seeking to be “loving”?
Pete – I think this is the most powerful and pertinent post I’ve ever read on your blog. At least it is really resonating with me.
I’ve suffered from this disease my entire life, and it’s lead to so many destructive things. In my hot pursuit of acceptance, I only ended up needier.
These days I’m seeking a different sort of encounter, in parenting, ministry, friendship, etc. It’s easier now. I guess I attribute that to maturity (mid-40′s will do that to you) and good spiritual health, in a church that is focused on healthy relationships. But it’s still a thorn, and it still rears its head from time to time.
Thanks so much for being transparent and honest with your life and ministry. It really matters.
Holy crap. Um, yeah…I probably need to pray and figure out how I feel about this particular situation. Dang.
Pete,
Thanks for sharing this very personal–and pertinent–insight. Right now I’m going through a season of “pruning” (Jn 15:2). For almost 15 years I’ve been involved with military chaplaincy. It’s been a rewarding ministry, but I am realizing how much it has become an idol in my life. It’s taken away from my family and my church and even my walk with the Lord. It has been a great source of affirmation. But the affirmation has become an idol. The unction is gone. But I’m finding in its place the joy of “get to” rather than “have to.” Maybe it’s the season I’m in. I think Beth is right–mid-40′s can be a clarifying time if we let them.
Thanks for your transparency. Thanks for speaking into my life.
thank you so much for this post & sharing your heart…. being so authentic. this is really powerful.
I think getting our value from others is a problem we all face. people & relationships (approval from them…feeling significance in them) become our idol… but that’s not how God wants it and it’s not healthy. He and He alone should we try to please — it’s something I am learning as well. I’ve been writing about this a lot – about value and tryin to find my significance in this world – in my roles, in people…. it’s so awesome how God aligns the lessons He is planting on my heart with my bloggie friends too.
thanks as always. what a great leader u r and becoming better every day. thanks for being so humble to examine yourself so much and share what u find out with us
As being the first dude to post a comment. I hear ya 150%. I have made some of the dumbest mistakes becasue of the need to feel loved… and it has taken a huge toll on my marriage and family. But I am learning that being loved by God and my family is all that I need and it is all that really matters. It takes work..and I by no means I have conquered this area in my life… It’s very easy for me to feel left out and un-needed that I would look for “praises” somewhere else.. At work.. from friends ect. Like you said when you shift your focus from being loved… to being loving that helps you take the focus off of “ME” and on to others.
Great post Pete.. thanks so much.
ok.. scratch that.. 2 other guys beat me to it..
I was one of the people in the congregation yesterday who thought this probably didn’t apply too much to me and then realized it was all about me. Thanks for bringing this home in such a powerful way: loving rather than seeking love.
Pete, learning to rest in God’s love for me has been a major life lesson for me in the past two years of pain. I realized how often I let other people’s opinions validate me and my call to ministry. I realized that I found more joy in what others thought that in finding peace with God. As you say it’s dumb and self seeking and an emotional roller coaster ride that exhausts you. I did all of the things you mentioned – and it about killed me. I almost walked away from ministry because I felt like a failure. Then one day I had the grandest insight: Everyone didn’t love Jesus either. If people disagreed with Jesus, if there were those who didn’t like him, if he was misunderstood, why in the world would I think I could be better than Jesus????
And you are right. It is freeing. I care less about opinions, although it can still sting of course. But I don’t let opinions determine my worth anymore. I am loved by God. period. No more striving, no more desperate attempts to please…..His love truly is sufficient.
This is a three steps forward and two steps back kind of thing for me…ouch.
Wow Pete…I can’t/won’t go into detail, but this post was God ordained for me today. Yesterday I had a tough conflict with a ministry partner & more than just a co-worker, this person has become what I would consider to be one of my closest friends. Long story short, we got into a disagreement over something (looking back, it’s always so insignificant but it seemed so important at the time…there’s that lovely pride coming in), but had a really unpleasant exchange & left each other angry, spouting things we said in the heat of anger, & just very hurt & upset (whoever thinks ministry isn’t tough..well, it is…even christians don’t always see eye to eye). I came home in buckets of tears sobbing about the words that were said to me & coming from an abusive childhood (both physical & especially verbal)…well let’s just say those words have been attempting to replay like a broken record in my head all last night & this morning. I struggle in a tremendous way to want to be loved…gosh, when you don’t receive it from your own parents as a kid…you actually receive the opposite…you CRAVE it as an adult. But…I know that my God is a big God who redeems, who restores, & who heals…and today, I’m resting in the fact that His approval is really the One I want to seek above all else. With regards to the argument, don’t think I’m letting it go…the person & I have already made plans to get our hearts together & re-engage to work thru the issue…but what I’m getting at is that I think it’s sooo important to remember that in a world that wants to sway our attention & desires away from God…I am determined to run hard in persuit after His love & thru that, be a vessel that loves others well…even when I have to say hard things in truth & love or I have to hear hard things in truth & love. God is bigger than my own insecurities…thanks for reminding me of that today Pete. You’re a blessing.
Galatians 1:10
“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
needed to hear this today, pete. thanks for being humble and courageous enough to share it.
Yes, I HEAR you on this one! The interesting thing about this need to be “loved” does not reflect a lack of love in my life. I have been overwhelmed with loving people in my life, parents, husband, godly girlfriends, etc….so why the incredible NEED? Is it our “make-up?” A human, fleshly tendency that we need to constantly be surrendering? The Lord has pointed this out to me recently…..the reason behind my motives….is it for me or others!? Something to pray about! Thanks ; )
I thought I was being loving by not setting boundaries for a very long time. I tried to do everything for everybody because I thought selflessness was called for everywhere. ‘No’ was a word for the selfish. Thankfully, I don’t feel that way anymore. I still seek to be loved in areas of life; I just do it in other ways. I do seek to be loving as well, but I am not so selfless that I don’t sometimes relapse into the American Dream of mass adoration. If I’m being honest.
I’m rowing that boat with you, Pete. And to be honest, I’ve known for a long time that I seek to please and to be loved, and that I shouldn’t. In my head, I understand that the only place to find unconditional love and acceptance is in God, and that I should quit trying so hard to find it everyplace else. But in my heart I’m still the little kid who wants to be popular with everyone! I think I will probably always struggle with this.
for many of us leading we all struggle with this issue. Many of us are relational leaders an we desire for people to get the vision and move forward. it is a constant battle and just as soon as you think you have won it comes back to bite. good post
that’s right. moreover, there are a lot of dysfunctional, broken people out there, and if you seek to please them, you’ll become even more dysfunctional. it’s a danger zone. i’m not saying that i don’t occasionally step into it, but i’m also learning to move paste seeking affirmation from others’ approval of me and just believing I am who God says I am. not a bad place to be.
it’s an awesome and rare thing to hear pastors, first, voice this desire and second, commit to join in Christ as He is transforming you. and He surely will continue on.
Ever since my breakup I have an insatiable desire to be loved. I believe I’m calming down now and taking each moment as it comes.
Reminds me of school, when the teacher asks a question and there is always one kid half standing half sitting and spastically shaking his hand to be heard. But of course the teacher never picks that student…..
I’ve been for a while reaching out to care for others and when you do that you get more back than you ever imagined.
@Anita, It seems weird doesn’t it? You would think drawing the boundaries would be a less loving thing to do. What a sense of deception so many of us have fallen into.
It is such a natural temptation to want to be loved, to feel accepted and affirmed. I find myself going for that acceptance/love on a regular basis. The idea that I’ve been working with lately is ‘first love’, which of course is my relationship with God who loves me all the time even when I mess up. Thinking about this ‘first love’ helps me to put things back into perspective, reminding me that my most important job (actually my eternal career) is to love – even when I don’t feel like it, even when it doesn’t win me any points, even when it is really challenging to do. The human sense of love one feels from others will always be changable, but knowing that God loves us is something we can depend on, and work out from.
you have described me perfectly…i am desiring to be loved. and yet the strongest urge or calling i feel from God is to just love other people. thanks for your blog.
We don’t normally recognize our motives until we run into rejection of some form. It’s about our responsed in these moments that tell us what our motive was in the first place and reveals how much of our dependency is on others to love us than being rooted and grounded in God’s love. When I am fully satisfied in the Father’s love, I will be less dependent on or dictated by other’s approval or disapproval.
OK, guilty of “desiring to be loved”. Need to focus more on “seeking to love” but would like to hear what your thoughts are on how these 2 differing notions affect a marital relationship. Ouch, you’re honest (but grateful you are that way).
“People Pleasing” the sound of the two words makes me cringe! But unfortunatly I too am a people pleaser and I agree when you say if you lead with a desire to love it can be dangerous. I found myself valuing others views on me than going to my creator with my self worth. It’s a terrible thing! I thank you for this blog. It just reminds me to take my struggle before the Lord and be humbled in who i am and not what everyone wants me to be!
Yes Pete, it is a weird thing. Drawing boundary lines was scary when I first started doing it, but just like you talked about, it freed me to love better than I did before.
Respect is equally important. I work in an industry that when I cross paths with a person who is ‘bigger’ than the rules it places the burden on me to equal out the imbalance. Being a professional is a cloudy thing these days. I have to remember I am not there to be loved. Mistakes to be loved by not speaking acting and communicating may be newsworthy.
In the last few months I have been balancing out many desires. Loving first, instead of loving back, when you may never receive anything back. Secondly, becoming less to become more. Being a newlywed I am learning and growing, staying focused on it is not all about me is so important.
My grandfather spelled it out for me one day and said “You have to love completely and knowing that most of the time you will not receive anything in return and keep loving no matter what. Isn’t that what God does for us?”
Thanks. This’ll be good to chew on.
Several years ago I was in a place that felt like an incredibly deep well. I had miscarried four times and the last time the doctors said I should consider having a hysterectomy because I had what he called a molar pregnancy and the risk of that becming cancer was extremely high while the potential of ever having a normal pregnancy was low. (Just for the record I went on to have a beautiful baby girl after this “season” of miscarriages). Anyway, I was suffering from depression, the ministry I was a part of was going badly. I felt hopeless, friendless, and alone. So I cried out to God, “All I have ever wanted is to love and be loved. What is so wrong with that!?!” Then His voice came, as powerfully to my spirit as I have ever heard Him, “But don’t you see, THAT is the very sin of Satan.” I could hardly believe what I’d heard. This journey was not all about me or what I could do. It was only about God. I wish I could say that that experience in the revealed word has permenantly changed me but the truth is, I still have to walk it out and I’m planning to live a long time.
wow! such powerful thoughts. i completely agree. i’ve struggled with this same thing all my life, wanting to please everyone so they would like me. i’m finally getting to the point where i see how this is just impossible and that it really doesn’t matter what others think as long as i am where God wants me.
@johnhobbs, That is so true. It seems as if “rejection” often uncovers our true motives.
Wanting be loved is a natural feeling for all of us, yet our life should always be about loving others. This is so hard, especially when you’re an artist who wears your emotions so near the surface.
Recently I was visiting at a nursing home and one particular lady, that I’ve been visiting for the past 3 weeks, is so lonely and so unloved. I want to give her hope and show her the love of God. She just needs someone to care and listen to her. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. To show love and expect nothing in return; isn’t that we’re called to do?
Your message this week was a bullseye. I am a people pleaser who can be judgmental and hypercritical. I’ve identified these as my least favorite traits for years. Only just recently have I realized they are partly a result of my upbringing but mainly stem from self-centeredness and a prideful heart.
Humbleness and pride are opposites, but at the same time it is so easy to slip from one right into the other. It’s another one of those blurred lines in life. You’re right, a trusted friend who can objectively tell you when your actions are being motivated by pride is probably the answer. The problem is that your trusted friend may not be up to the task because then they risk not pleasing you.
Thanks as always for your honesty. I had a problem with this earlier in life but have gotten better now. I think as I got older it became too exhausting to try to maintain that “be on all the time, I’ll do whatever you need from me” attitude so I just gave up.
If it’s any consolation to you, I know plenty of folks that love you even at your worse, besides Brandi I mean.
@Harold, That’s comforting.
right on bro. thanks so much!
Excellent post Pete. I especially like that you talked about parenting with the need to be loved. That’s one I believe I have to be careful of.
yup. I can totally relate… and those 3 bullet points might as well be in flashing neon lights. Especially the first one. [Never really connected the motivation behind it all, though]
Thanks for posting on some pretty sensitive issues. As you know, I’m fairly new to your blog but each of your posts have been really resonating with me. I can only imagine all of the other lives you & your team are touching as well.
spoken as a truly reforming people pleaser
thank you for sharing this. I think I may have to add you to my regular bog reads since you’ve spurred on a whole series of posts with one simple question about heart motivation.
I, too, have lived in this place and described it as being trapped inside a bank of mirrors facing outwards. I pointed the mirror at other people so I could reflect only what they wanted to see instead of being my true self. I was dying to be loved and forgetting that only in being fully known can you be free to love and be loved.
When I shattered the mirrors, I realized that there was nothing authentic to the person God had created me to be — everything down to my favorite color was determined by other people in my life.
Living 5 years free of that desperate desire to be loved, I am so much more free to love other people. And myself. And God.
I love how God works in dichotomies.
thank you again and its so good to know God continues to grow people up in ministry in Nashville. I went to Scotty’s church when I lived there and miss it everyday.
“Baggage”, another great series, thanks Pastor Pete!
In as much as I desire to be loved all I really want is to be of valued and loved by someone—– it is when I become so desperate for these things, that I develop an unhealthy pride to mask my desperation. What I really want to focus on is the truth that no matter what anyone thinks of me, God loves me and made me just right. My years have taught me that I am not perfect by any means but I am gifted. He knows it; I must learn and believe it to get beyond the need to let everyone know about it. Focus instead on thanking God for the great job He did.
Ditto. I have this so engrained(sp?) in my being that it is a battle everyday. I’m a people pleaser and can’t say no person.
Stinks, stinks, stinks. Good word today! Be bold, be brave, and be strong!
Pete
I’m at Glorieta this week and one of the classes is called PEOPLE PLEASING. I’ll take notes for you and me! We’re peas in a pod.
Okay…so I have been thinking about this today and I think that with the work we are involved with, I have to totally keep in check my motives and attitude while facing the Cross and serving those around me. For His Glory, right? Right. I fail daily, but really, if that is my goal…then I (with my Groom) will make our way. I have seriously have had many battles with myself in this plight, but I know that if my goal is to win HIS favor then we will be okay. I am still having to check my heart at the door though. Especially dealing with the drama of coming in and out of the country and all the speaking engagements…I find it easy to win friends when people hear what we do. This is difficult for me because I wonder if they “know” me, or love the work we are doing. I can’t question their motives…but I always like their favor, so I have to surrender that as well. Maybe somebody has written a book on this re-entry thing. Dang. Anyways, you are a wise man to write and talk about this subject. I am sure we all will be praying and thinking about it long after the post is gone and “forgotten”….thank you for that.
@Jim Drake, I’ll take all the notes I can get on the subject!
I absolutely have this problem. I can’t take rejection, I take any differing opinion or correction as rejection-them not loving me. I am working on it, now that I see it for what it is, praying God will help me. I also have started praying the prayer of St Francis of Assi, part of it says what you are saying..”O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek…to be loved as to love.
Yeah. I believe that I was definitely born that way. I did not realize it until several years ago. It hit me that it was the motivation behind serving at church, serving others, etc. I am glad that I am aware of this but it is a daily struggle. Like, why is it that when someone says something negative about me that I know in my heart is untrue, I still let it bother me? What is up with that?
I’ve never met you, but I love you… NOW more than ever!
Thank you for your transparency & vulnerability – obviously, it is ministering to SO many – including a few of us love-chasers up here in Detroit!
You’re the real deal.
Yes, I too am a people pleaser. I used to think I was a people pleaser because I want to make other people happy. I want them to be comfortable and to feel a connection with me. Boy was I wrong! I am a people pleaser because it makes me feel good, because knowing that no one has a reason to dislike me must mean I’m a good person, a likeable person.
Also, another source of my pride is my unfailing ability to spell words correctly and use correct grammar. I just spent 3 minutes trying to figure out why there is a red line under “likeable’ even though I know that is a correct spelling. The spell check says “likable” is the correct spelling, but I disagree. Microsoft word says both are correct, but really, does it matter? I have so much pride that I have to argue with the spell check. I deserve a pat on the back for that one.
Also, on a more serious note, you said on Sunday that you know you are self reliant if you have an on again/off again prayer life. That hit hard. I was like, “Whoa… he is talking about me.” I’ve actually told God the reason I stop praying is because I feel like I’m doing fine on my own. Pretty dangerous territory I’m walking into; he might feel the need to show me that I’m not OK on my own. I always wonder why I can’t just accept that I need him, rather than make him prove it to me. Just doesn’t make any sense.
There were times in my life when some peoples’ love for me was very conditional. Not only did it make me try really hard to never mess up and never have weakness, but it made me believe that I wasn’t someone people could just love… just because. And then I went to college and after a few years of being a part of my community and having the friends I do, I realized they loved me even more when I opened up my weakness to them. And that they loved me as a person and not for what I can do or be. I am SO incredibly grateful because as it turned out everything I could do and be and accomplish was stripped away, permanently. I have nothing left to give but who I am and it turns out I’m loved because of it, not despite it. Huge life lessons for me.
WOW. Have you been peeking into my life lately? I think you just totally described me. I’ve gotta change my thinking. I’m tired of trying to please and be liked by everyone. It just ain’t gonna happen.
Feels like to me the whole Romans 6 thing where Paul describes the battle inside all of us. The thing we don’t want to do we do …
I find myself thinking at times “How can I love” instead of “be loved” which is a good place to have your thoughts. It’s acting on those thoughts, all the time, that’s the challenge for me.
You’re keepin’ it real Pete, Keepin’ it real!
There is this disire that I have to be loved. I’m so caught up in pleasing others that I sometimes forget to be loving. If that makes any sense.
Got into this late so this may and probably has already been said. I think we all desire to be loved. For some it is a stronger drive than for others. The real trick is not loving in order to be loved, i.e. “if I love them then they will love me.” I have a strong desire to be loved. But God has also given me a strong desire to love others. But I have to be careful that neither one is to strong.
I struggle with this. Never thought I was seeking love by people pleasing but I suppose so. I am asked constantly for assistance and always believed that saying no was unchristian-like, and that being involved was setting a good example for my kids. I suppose before I say yes I need to think about the impact on my family. My husband would certainly appreciate that as he sometimes shakes his head with all that I take on, meanwhile he is picking up the slack at home. Thanks for helping me to put this into perspective.
I’m shocked you would actually think it was all about YOU, when clearly it’s all about ME…And besides–what other reason to have a blog?
Being a people pleaser nearly cost me my health. Sure, other people liked me but did I like myself at the end of the day? I gave up my integrity in exchange for making others happy. It’s not worth the price. When I realized this, it impacted my life so much that I have a hard time not wondering when I hear of someone being eulogized as the person who would give you the shirt off their back, was always helping everyone who asked, etc. if they ever were true to themselves, if they liked themselves, if they spent their life with their heart saying no and their lips saying yes. Living a divided life suckeds the very life out of me. Loving others sometimes means saying no.
Thank you for your honesty.
dude what a great post. it is hard. i think some of us are wired to be pleasers and through that process we put everything we care about in danger because we are addicted to the feeling of being needed. A good portion of this is probably birthed out of a fear of rejection and that fear causes us to go crazy over compensating. Plus, our pride makes us feel good if we feel needed, wanted, or that we have helped. @ least that is for me…
it is a constant struggle to seek HIS acceptance over everyone the acceptance of others.
God really did a nice job when he chose you to minister His word.
I think I’m the opposite of you though. I’m seeking to be loving all the time, in fact too much usually. I spread myself too thin trying to do things to help everyone. And it isn’t from a desire to be loved as I could really care less what most people really think about me!! Honestly! I have my good friends (that I barely have time for) so I really am not trying to make many new ones. But I just have this HUGE desire to help. And sometimes it gets in my way of loving myself, God, my husband, my children, etc.
Sometimes I have a hard time taking that step back and realizing that God doesn’t want me to help everyone. It’s quality NOT quantity.
Thank you for writing about this. It reminded me of a lesson from the past. I was asked to ask myself “Am I doing/saying this to get what I like/want for myself or because its the right thing to do?” when I was having a difficult time deciding how I should do something so no one is displeased.
If I answer this Honestly, I would say, it depends on what I want done. I straddle both worlds. I seek to be loving and do desire to be loved by not all but a select few. I have a tough time accepting compliments but I dont obsess over critics cause I feel no one can beat me at being my own critic(conceited arent I?). I learned very early in life that the most important thing in my Life is Family so I am careful not to do things at the expense of the ones I hold closest in my heart, even if it means I will be viewed in the negative by others. As for leadership decision.. I havent been in that position so I cant say much.
A good indication that you are supposed to help is when the person asks for something and there was no other thought interfering/pain obsessing over what you will have to do/or give up/or make a decision to do this.
this a very nice post…thanks for sharing..yeah, i agree that wanting to be loved is very unhealthy because they are situation in life that people around us will love us as we do.me i keep desiring to be loved and seeking to love.i think the two must be compliment.its only when we being loved and we love we learn and becoming a better person.by being loved and to love we learn to trust,to be faithful , to hope and to dreams…but sometimes life is not a perfect world as we wanted..tho we desire to be loved , it is the other side around we end up loving more…
to love is one of the greatest thing we can do…because God shows us how to love unconditionally..
Godbless
Sooo Pastor Pete I read this entry of yours….and knew that I felt “something” when I read it, but ignored it & moved on with my day without commenting. Last night, I think it was last night, I had a dream….I don’t recall the dream but I DO know that your blog had played a part in it, particularly this entry. Anyhow I knew then that I had to respond. And yet I’m still uncertain as to how to pull together my thoughts on this. So please bear with me =) I desire to be loved, definitely. And I have, in the past, put others before myself in a crazy attempt to be loved & liked. I thought I was over that. Until recently….
What has occurred to me as of late….is the amount of times that I attempt to reach out to others in (what I thought) was love without expecting anything in return. Only to be disappointed &/or getting my feelings hurt when my attempts go unacknowledged, or aren’t responded to in the way that I THINK they should be. So this, coupled with your post, makes me wonder….what is REALLY behind my attempts to love on others? Am I still stuck in this rut of wanting, longing to be loved & accepted? Although I know full well that I live and dance for an audience of ONE & ONE only? I need to completely rethink the reason I do the things that I do.
Sorry this is so long!