I read THIS very interesting article in USA Today about decision making in the home. Here’s a quote from it…
Of 1,260 individuals surveyed this summer— either married or living together — women wield more decision-making power at home. In 43% of couples, women made more decisions — almost twice as many as men — in the four areas Pew surveyed: planning weekend activities, household finances, major home purchases and TV watching.
“We’d all like to believe we’re moving toward gender equality — not just in the workplace but in the home,” Morin says. “There’s evidence that men are doing more around the house these days, but when it comes to absolute equality in decision-making, it’s the exception,not the rule, in the typical American couple.”
So, what do you think? Is this a good thing? Where would your home rank in this study?
While this article is not directly addressing men being the spiritual leaders in the home I’m wondering if there is a correlation.
Do you think there is a correlation between men not making decisions in the home and them also not being the spiritual initiators in the home? Can you be the spiritual leader (or initiator as I like to call it) and not make the majority of decisions in the home?
I think you can be the spiritual leader without deciding what brand of corn flakes to buy or which channel to watch. After all, most of yeild on those things because we don’t want our plate broken or worse.
That’s how it works in our home. I manage the home. My husband works hard to provide for our family. I manage the day to day finances and a lot of the day to day decisions of our household. I see that as part of my role as a stay at home mom and homemaker. Of course major decisions are discussed and prayed for together. Ultimately he has the final word though. What makes it work for us is that we are on the same page spiritually, raising our children, and our values. I don’t think I would have the same answer if that wasn’t the case.
I think the words “decision making” are way too broad. It’s not a good survey
If we’re talking about type of cereal, what to wear and how to arrange the furniture — then yes I’m sure women make MORE decisions — but not necessarily major ones. Women making small decisions doesn’t at all effect the man being the leader.
but if we’re talking how much to spend, how to allocate money and bigger decisions — then I say that if women are doing most of these things – that’s probably a huge reason for our divorce rate being so high.
I take pleasure in letting my husband be the leader/director. I believe that a lot changed in our household/marriage/life when I let him have veto power and be the leader. The Bible commands us as women to allow you all to lead.
But it’s important for husbands to not micro-manage. My husband doesn’t micro manage me at all — which is why I make MORE decisions than him in a day — but those decisions are always in the confines of the bigger picture that he set the vision for.
anyway. it’s amazing how the small things really do make a difference. releasing our power to give our husband’s power is an awesome, humble & godly move. many times though the men will give decision mnaking power back because they don’t care for the deatils.
so my point is — it’s not about how many decisions we make — it’s who is the ultimate leader/director.
AS a woman I can say this, I think women need to allow their guys to lead! If they are called to be the spiritual leaders we can go a long way to help them gain confidence in this area. If we grow impatient and step in, of course they’ll get out of the way.
Even with leadership skills myself, I cannot be all God called me to be if I don’t allow my husband to be the leader in the home. There have been times I regret where I felt so strongly about something related to our kids, that I just made decisions on the spot without including him. By doing this occasionally I possibly denied them of a better decision. God is so good though, and he knows my intention is always to honor my husband’s leadership, even when it doesn’t look exactly as I think it should!! http://www.loribiddle.com
Yes. I do think there is a correlation between the statistics shown in that survey and the number of men who are the spiritual leaders in their homes. Of course, this statement is made from my very small vantage point.
The decision making process in our home is very different today than it once was. I make most of the “home management” decisions with some input from my husband. My husband makes the big decisions that affect our family physically, emotionally and spiritually with some input from me. He also has the ultimate say in all decisions. This way of life has not always been the case for us. I am very intuitive and can make decisions more quickly than he can. He does not like change and is sometimes painfully slow with his decision making. God taught me early in our marriage that if I wanted my husband to be the spiritual leader in our home, I was going to have to quit making so many of the decisions or even talking about them. The not doing and waiting was very hard in the beginning, and still is at times. However, I feel more protected and balanced this way. I find this to be true in my submission to the Lord also.
oh yeah one more thing…. it’s amazing to me that what we give up – we get.
women want their men to listen to them, love them, give them power, respect their advice —- so they try to FORCE their husbands to love, listen to them. and we know forced love is no love at all. When we give up power – when we listen to and love and respect our husband. When we allow him to lead — we get back so much more.
I think my husband listens to me and respects my opinion so much more now that I don’t force him to. I have more ‘power’ now that I gave up power.
how cool!
isn’t this a biblical principle? get only what you give up? 
In our house, major decisions are made as a team. We both have a working knowledge of our finances, although I do the day-to-day stuff and my dh does the worrying about his retirement funds and such. Big purchases are decided together. Vacations are planned together. But I’m the one who’s been staying at home “keeping house” and taking care of the kids for 19 years, so I am more qualified to make decisions on where and when to grocery shop and whether someone needs new shoes or a doctor’s apptmt. That seems like common sense to me. I don’t complain because I don’t get to help make decisions about how to remediate groundwater problem–that’s Dennis’s area of expertise and experience. My area of expertise is running our home.
When we were first married and our oldest child was a baby, I worked in publishing and he was Mr. Mom. So he decided which day was laundry day. It’s just common sense, right.
We don’t really have a “spiritual leader” in our home. We are a team on that one. We feel that we can’t expect our kids to care about their spiritual life unless both their parents care about it and both their parents work to make spirituality a part of our family life.
To me, none of these issues should be gender-related issues. It’s all about what gets the job done.
Control and what we use as currency in a relationship can have a great impact on this. If intimacy is connected to decisions than as men who have a greater physical need may modify their behaviour to keep their needs met. Women who desire equal awareness of their needs as well become aware of their power in a simple yes or no to influence outcomes.
Sex should never be a currency to be bartered in relationship in decision making for long term health.
@Lance, Please tell me you didn’t just open that can of worms.
Pete, I think Lance did. At least I was diplomatic when I alluded to it.
Sorry to open up those can of worms, but whatever currency that a couple holds between them will lead them either together or apart. The currency is exchangeable, leadership is not.
Tommy opened a bigger can of worms for me in the fact he implied that he is the spiritual leader (which is good) but that the woman gets to make all of those super important decisions like the remote or buying cereal…yippee for her! give me a break.
@ Jan…love it all. (although I do think there is something to be said about the man being the spiritual leader) It seems you have a struck a good balance and I think its because you’ve spent time as the “bread winner” and the stay at home mom.
@Randi & Melissa: I don’t think I could or should submit that much.
Carey and I share everything. There are certain areas that he is more dominant in as well as I. Let’s put it like this, you wouldn’t want me drving his Fed Ex routes nor would I want him cooking my famous chicken & dressing. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and wives are to be submissive to their husbands. Otherwise, if we are each obedient, it’s a win-win situation. Consider others better than yourselves.
Anna, that was tongue in cheek. Actually, we make the major home and family decisions as a team. Sometimes my humor is misunderstood.
Carey & I share everything. We are a team. There are certainly areas where he is more dominant as well as I. He surely doesn’t want me driving on of his Fed Ex routes nor do I want him cooking my famous chicken & dressing. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and wives are to be submissive to their husbands. If we are each obedient then it’s simply a win-win situation. Consider others better than yourselves.
Let me ask my wife and then I will let you know what I think!
That whole Proverbs 31 thing talks about how a husband doesn’t have to worry what his wife is up to. My hubby is happy to let me make most of the household decisions because he can trust me to do what’s best for the fam and because frankly he doesn’t really care what the curtains look like or what groceries I buy. Of course he’s In Charge and Makes The Big Decisions, and like any good leader, he knows how to delegate.
Pete,
Check out my blog entry for today!
@anna — it doesn’t offend me that you don’t think you could or should. It’s just what God laid on my heart and what has worked the most for me. I feel the most peace & most blessings doing things the way we do them now. and it certainly has helped my husband’s ego & confidence. but we know all husbands are not the same nor are all wives the same…. therefore each relationship is different
Power struggles reveal a lack of understanding of how marriage was intended. After twenty years of marriage and ministry, we still make all major decisions together and mutually respect and honor one another. My husband wouldn’t dream of “having the final say” on anything. He respects my heart and mind and when we aren’t in agreement, we wait until the Lord makes HIS will plain to us both. We do tons of marriage counseling and it just works. Everyone should read “The Shack”…it is a fine picture of God’s true desire for human relationships. Much of what is seen in the church is based on man-made heirarchy and structure.
@Sally — it really does teach them about leadership, delegation, organization. it all starts in the home. same for us wives. learning how to be gentle, humble & choose love over power…. and many other characteristics Jesus had. the first place to practice these biblical principles / Jesus’ character is in the home.
So, what do you think?
—Survey’s are like Diets. The results are in fashion only for the moment. Things are always changing. Just wait until the next survey and we will have a different/contradicting result.
Is this a good thing?
—Depends on who is viewing it. The dynamics of strength and weakness within the couple usually defines what works for them.. its not necessarily a good or bad thing.
Where would your home rank in this study?
—Doesnt fall in any of that pie. Its very situation based. The questions we ask are, what are the possible consequences of this decision and does it bode well for family, our kids and us.
Do you think there is a correlation between men not making decisions in the home and them also not being the spiritual initiators in the home?
—No. I dont think so.
Can you be the spiritual leader (or initiator as I like to call it) and not make the majority of decisions in the home?
—Yes, you could.
@ j4man – that’s funny and that’s exactly what my husband would say.
Women have been forced into leadership positions and some woman are just better at being the leader. What’s wrong with that?
My household is a partnership. Everything is shared and decisions are agreed upon mutally. My husband is passive and I’m agressive. We balance one-another.
What kind of decisions are they talking about?
If it’s your everyday, run of the mill decisions then it would be me (the woman). If it’s the major decisions (should we buy this house or that house) then it would be my husband.
Most of the decisions we have are the small things such as, what food should I buy, what kind of clothes should the kiddos wear, and so on.
Every once in awhile we have major decisions, which t.v. should we purchase, how should we invest our finances, which church should we go to, should we take this new job or not, which house should we buy… Those are the decisions we will discuss but ultimately hubby will make the final decision because he has more wisdom in those areas.
(Hope that makes sense because my brain is not working today. I’m making the decision to not make any more decisions.)
@Tommy…no hard feelings
@Randi…thanks for your response. I understand everyone is different when it comes to relationship balance.
@Tracy, that is funny!
In our house, my hubby is the ultimate decision maker. I bring up the ideas, he rejects them :b.
I’ve been brought up that the man is the leader of the household in everything. My M&D were very traditional and this was a very strict rule in our house. But my hubby and I have a non-traditional marriage. I work full time, provide half the income, we both help around the house and we actually communicate (:
BUT. Even though it seems to be fairly balanced, and even though I am able to state my opinion, the end decision always falls on my hubby…which is slightly annoying sometimes (:
I don’t know what’s better: Having the security of the man being ths strong leader or having the option of making the decision completely by yourself.
I do have to say that I’m kinda bitter about the guys having most of the say. I guess it’s not that way all the time..but it is in my family, and it’s just NOT FAIR :b
The woman is the ‘keeper of the house’, right? To me that means she is expected to take responsibility to make good decisions for her household. I think an excellent leader wouldn’t feel a need to make every single decision. As a confident and humble leader, he wouldn’t need to have everything his way, and he would have confidence in those he leads.
You are a brave man Pete Wilson.
I should probably just keep quiet… but, I can’t. The USA Today article seems a bit misleading to me. I would submit that more women are making decisions for the home because that is how the majority of families are structured. The husband works outside the home and has less time at home to deal with the details. As a result, the wife, especially if she is a stay at home mom, takes on running the house as her primary responsibility. It just makes sense.
In our house, both my husband and I work full-time and so we divide up house responsibilities equally. He handles finances and yard work while I handle cleaning, cooking, and social activities. We both make the decisions for those respective areas with input from the other as necessary.
I don’t think Spiritual leadership is directly related to these other household decisions. I think a husband could completely relinquish day-to-day household decision making and still provide Spiritual leadership if he chose to (and I would add that most women would really welcome this). Then there could also be guys who are just shirking all responsibility and not making decisions spiritually or otherwise. I think it goes back to the character, integrity and spiritual maturity of the guy.
Hey Pete! Great post, and a great question!!
I think this article and it’s findings are a real reflection of our society. For example, Chris is frequently commenting about how television commercials make men (husbands, dads) look “stupid”. It really bugs him, and now that he’s pointed it out (I’m ashamed to say I didn’t notice until then) I can see where he is coming from, and in a way, I share his frustration.
I think it’s biblical for the man to lead, but women are also leaders in the fact that we bear the brunt of the child rearing responsibilities. I do not in a million years think that God intends for the man to “rule the roost” and “keep the little woman in her place”, but I do feel that in submitting to my husband, I am submitting to his LOVE as much as (or even more than) his authority. In an effort to find “equality”, I think that we as a nation have gone overboard in the total opposite direction.
So no, I don’t necessarily think this is a good thing.
i am confident that joy and i would be in the 31% that are equally divided. we wholeheartedly align ourselves with an egalitarian approach to our marriage relationship and – two years in – that commitment has yielded great fruit. i also should say that our understanding of egalitarianism does not preclude occasions of leading one another. it does mean that it will not always be me doing the leading.
Actually, for me, a big hairy monster of a subject… Requires a lot of thinking… The problem in my household is a precedent of passivity. This brings a lot of distortion to the issue for me. Just pray for balance, that is all I can ask.
My husband’s idea of hell would be to micro-manage the household. He’s so happy that I do that. On big purchase decisions or vacations or (when they were young) where the kids go to school…those things we’ve always brain stormed about and in the end we come to agreement.
He’s the spiritual leader for sure though. I’m a pretty strong woman and I admit if my husband was arrogant and dogmatic, I’d have a hard time following his lead. But, he leads with humility and I know he listens to me. So I’m happy to follow his lead. And hey, if he’s wrong, he’s got the God of the universe to answer to … no pressure.
@robinrane, Great perspective!
I do believe that the lack of leadership is in direct correlation to the respect he is given in his own home. But let me say for the record I’m not oppressed. Submission was God’s Idea; sin made it “wrong.” I don’t bow to my husband, I bow to my Lord, but I do submit to my husband’s authority. We’ve tried it God’s way and we’ve tried it the World’s way… can you guess which works better?
Blessings, Whitney
Day to day household decisions (and not so day to day) are made by me – the woman. Financial decisions are discussed together and sometimes vetoed by me – the woman. Why? Because I am more fiscally responsible than my husband (and he will tell you that if asked). We also work together with his remodeling business. I handle the money there too. I’ve always paid the bills for our home and our business. I’m a secretary by trade with 2 years of accounting. He’s a carpenter with a high school diploma. He makes plenty of decisions for his business on a daily basis and is more than happy to have one less thing to worry about. Spiritual decisions would be me too because he wasn’t raised to believe, go to church etc. but I was. I brought our son to church, baptized, first communion but he couldn’t have been bothered. I’m happy I did it, but I no longer go to church either.
And appearing to be the total opposite of the majority of responses here I have to say we’ve been together for 21 years, married for 20 and I don’t think there is any other person either one of us would want to spend time with.
The way we do it works for us on a financial, realistic level that has nothing to do with domination, superiority or bowing to a husband.
I am constantly asking my husband, “Do I make too many decisions for us? Do I rule the house?” I ask these things because I have some “super submissive” friends that feel their husbands should decide their every move for them (or that’s how it seems to me). He assures me that he really likes our marriage the way it is, that I show him a lot of respect, and that I ask him about everything. That being said, I feel that every marriage is somewhat unique.
Personally, I don’t believe that any one gender corners the market on spiritual/intelllectual/emotional powers of discernment. Those skills differ from person to person…regardless of gender. I disagree with the notion that women have to “hand over” the control (or initiation…as you call it) for what happens in the home on the basis of gender. I don’t think men are any more connected to God than women. Or any less. That’s like saying that all written correspondence in our home HAS to be generated by my husband…because he’s a man. In truth (and he’d tell you this as well), my training is in writing and that’s what I taught in the public schools…as well as what I did for a profession for years. It would be counterintuitive for us to allow him to generate anything like this when I’m clearly superior to him in this area. We have a great marriage and it’s the envy of our friends and family. We play to our strengths and none of those strengths is based on gender. That’s why the wheels fell off of my parents’ marriage. My dad married someone whom he could dominate and then wondered later why he felt he didn’t have a full partner in life. Like I heard a minister’s wife say one day: “I’m not the motor for my husband’s boat. I want to be MY OWN boat. I was not created to help him live the kind of life in the world that I’m not allowed to live. And I’m not going to pretend to be a secondary citizen for ANY reason.” It’s a well-documented fact that Billy Graham’s daughter–Anne- is the one who inherited his gift of skilled speech and teaching. Everyone in her familiy will tell you this, yet she feels she has to defer to the “males ONLY in the ministry” edict and that’s why Franklin has taken over her dad’s ministry. This makes no sense. Why use the guy who isn’t as good? Why not use the most skilled person for the job? If it’s because men don’t want to hear truth from the lips of a woman, I’d say that we’re playing to the insecurities and handicaps of the male gender. Isn’t that the same thing as “dumbing down”?
I agree wholeheartedly with @Jenni Catron. She’s one wise gal. So here are my original thoughts….
None of us can have it all and truly be in charge of it all – and those who are in charge in every area probably wish they weren’t! But at the crux of this discussion is a “given” that really disturbs me and that “given” is that spiritual leadership = authority. Hang with me. I would argue that spiritual leadership is not about what tv channel we watch (which btw, I never choose unless i am alone) or even how bills are paid, it is about how we live our lives. How we live is what gives authority to our walk with Christ. Giving someone decision making power is not a substitute for them living lives of true spiritual leadership. Being in charge does NOT make spiritual maturity a given. In fact I would argue that spiritual leadership is humble, mutually submissive and respectful and is modeled after the life of Christ who according to Philippians 2 “did not demand and cling to His rights as God.”
We spiritually lead – whatever our gender – out of our own passionate following of Christ Jesus. Being the decision maker does not equal spiritual leadership in any form. I have seen dozens and dozens of families abused by men who emphatically stated “Bless God, I’m the man and I’m in charge and I’m your spiritual authority” – they made all the decisions but they did not lead spiritually. When someone is a spiritual leader they lead with fear and trembling, respectful of the treasure entrusted to them by God. Having to be the one that makes EVERY decision is – quite honestly – a sign of great insecurity. My marriage is based on mutual respect and our goal is unity, not total role differentiation. I defer to my husband and he defers to me. We are a team that’s greatest goal is to go through life TOGETHER.
I also agree with what @apathy lounge wrote…..if we defer to men in every decision just to make them feel big and strong then how big and strong are they really? I refuse to “dumb down” for my husband or my co-workers. Mature adults – and especially Believers – should be able to maturely deal with someone else having strengths we don’t have and work together. That’s not about gender or spiritual leadership, that’s about maturity and character.
From what I have observed, men who are truly strong in the Lord and confident in their own selves are not threatened by a woman making decisions. They are able to rejoice in how God has created her and encourage her to use her gifts and answer God’s calling on HER life. And they are happy that someone else handles things that they may not be equipped to deal with quite as well.
That said, I believe every woman enjoys when her husband initiates spiritual discussions, prayer, etc. We desire that and long for that. Why more men don’t do it I can’t say except that I have noticed that men seem to be – as a group – more uncomfortable with showing their emotions and “tuning into God”. It’s like it’s out of their comfort zone and they have to be encouraged more than the women I minister with.
I don’t know the answer, but I think letting someone – anyone – make all the decisions regardless of gifting, ability and maturity and solely based on their gender is a recipe for great disaster.