There have been people throughout the course of my life that I’ve said…
“I don’t know what it is, but I just don’t like them.”
If I were really honest it would probably be because they got ahead of me in some area of life and that ugly green monster is rearing its head in my heart.
My guess is a lot of the people we “don’t like,” we don’t want to be around, or we’re critical of are really just a reflection of something we aren’t that we wish we were, or something we don’t have that we wish we had.
You know an interesting thing I’m learning about envy. It breeds in proximity. In other words I’m not really in danger of envying Tiger Woods or Bill Gates. Instead it’s my neighbors, my close friends, and maybe even my spouse.
Aristotle said “Envy grows naturally in a relationship between equals.”
Envy breeds in the environment of proximity and that is why it destroys community.
So how about you?
- Do you cringe when your friends seem to succeed where you’re failing?
- Are you critical of others accomplishments, talents, and appearances?
- Do you tend to look for the flaws in others hoping they will do less than their best?
- Are you secretly happy when a friend suffers a setback?
Be honest, how are you dealing with envy in your life?
Oh wow…I have felt this way about a close friend.
Why does she have this and that and her kids are fine and she has a new grandbaby while I have had ups and severe downs , my kids haven’t walked with God, in a long time. .Financial everything has happened, physical limitations, etc. But I still love her as my friend and know in my heart the way I’m feeling is soooooo wrongggggg.
I really hate that ugly green monster that resides next to my heart….shame on me
I’m having trouble dealing right now with being envious of my sister and her family. Two professionals with great long-term jobs, a daughter in college exelling and a son who’s a senior in h.s. being recruited by various football programs and a high honors student.
I love my life, my husband (a general contractor), and my freshman in college son but sometimes I envy her secure job and her kids that put their best effort into things. BUT her relationship with her husband makes you not want to be in the same room with them and she’s a control freak so I guess it all evens out somehow
Yep, good stuff. I agree.
There was a person who replaced me one time and I just didn’t think she matched up. Fact is, she did. She was dang good. I began to say goodbye to my flesh and allow God to restore in my heart what was broken.
And then he called me to mentor her. And now? We’re like sisters.
How crazy is that?
I’m not secretly happy when friends suffer setbacks, even if they are friends I envy. And I do suffer from envy on a regular basis. Envy seems to work like lots of other things: I can always see what someone else should be “fixing” about themselves, but it’s harder to see what issues I should be working on for myself. And likewise I can always see other people’s talents and blessings, but it’s harder to see my own.
One thing I’ve done in the past to get out of that cranky funky place that envy can take me is to sit and force myself to write down a list of 100 things I am grateful for. At least part of the list has to be things about myself that I think are “beautiful.” That’s the part of the list that’s the hardest to come up with, but I make it happen. And by the time my list is done, I have to admit that my friends are not the only ones who are talented and blessed. It helps.
What else helps? Anyone got suggestions?
I find myself envious of the people around me who are able to do alot of the things I’m not doing- dating, getting ahead in their careers, etc. It’s really starting to wear me out.
On a random note, why’d you have to go and post a photo of Wally?
I think envy is related to comparsion, like your earlier post.
This prayer helps me change gears…( I pray it a lot)
Thanks God, for making (whoever) so good at (whatever)! You did an amazing job when you created him/her.
I find myself in more of a “Wow, God is Awesome” mode, rather than an “I feel bad about myself” mode.
gosh. i love how you get right down to it. hmmm…i envy people that i admire – because i see things in them that i wish i was better at. but, mostly, i just try to pray myself through that. to know that God made ME the way i am. i’m NOT going to be JUST LIKE THEM. but i can learn certain things from them. and i have – there are parts of me or things that i do that i can specifically point to wonderful people that i’ve met along the way that i’ve gotten them from.
@Robin Way to go!
i envy a friend who lacks social skills and rarely shows any emotions, but is so smart that people are in awe. they pull towards him, but he would rather they leave him alone.
he is fat too…
so i am unsure why the green monster comes out when i am around him, but it does. maybe i comes out because i feel i have to work really hard to get people to respond the way they do to him.
I have learned not to do it out loud….and the older I get the better I am at not envying…..But the nudge to be envious is there…..I have also learned that many of those who hurt you do so because they are envious….So I catch myself discouraging others from being envious….knowing how it feels to be on the receiving end……
a very wise lady once told me —- “you can only hate in others, what you have in yourself. what isn’t a part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us”
it’s a lesson I have to continually remind myself. If something really irritates me, it’s a great indicator of a weakness I myself have. That is where the old plank/speck verse comes into play. The minute I hear myself being critical inside – I have to try to catch that nasty attitude before it grows. So many times I let that negative/critical spirit continue and it rears its ugly head externally and it’s bad. sinful, hurtful, outright hypocritical from what God has done inside. no good. the devil’s work. the enemy’s best tools is to use christians against each other. comparison, competition, looking for validation from others. we have become each other’s idols. relationships are our idols. value to people is our idol. we ourselves are our idols. this world has become our idol. God is a jealous God and does not like idols. He will do what He has to to win us back. Hate, jealousy, criticism, condemnation distort our own spirit & personality. it is what keeps us from moving on with God. a spirit filled with hate & envy can not coexist with THE spirit.
when we show these fruits of the devil, it is a symptom of an idol in our life.
we have to give up the idols. There’s only room for one if we are to fulfill the plan God has for us. He is a jealous God and He will make us uncomfortable and allow the detours to hurt us and cause us pain if we continue to have idols and things we worship besides Him.
oh, yes… envy. that’s a fun topic. envy does hit me and i’ll catch the questions you listed going through my mind. when they do i always try to stop and pray for the person i’m envious. not only am i praying for my own attitude, but also cheering that person on first in prayer… and allowing that prayer and heart change to drop kick the green monster right out of my heart!
sure there have been times that I’ve struggle with being envious of another for whatever reasons. For me it’s not usually to do with material possessions as much as it is spiritual gifting and telents that I have envied. Which of course is just as bad if not worste.
But I think much more than I struggle with that, I’ve stuggled with the tendancy to be critical of people. And if you knew my parents, you would know where I got that from. it’s something about me that I’ve always wished I could change.
But I’m working on it, and God is helping me learn to see below the surface of people and their outward lives and see the soul in need that He sees.
I am one of those who thought early last week “who me? envy? I don’t struggle with that” and after the message yesterday I realize that I in fact DO struggle with it, at least from the comparison standpoint. I compare myself to my siblings, to my friends, to other mothers…whether they are friends or not! I do have to “get straight who God has made me to be” and I am praying about that now.
I attend Andy Stanleys church in Alpharetta, GA. He did a series called It Came From Within which addresses these exact issues. It is excellent. I was left convicted, but at the same time hopeful!
Melissa
I like to pretend I don’t envy others – especially when deep down I know that my gut is churning because of me and really has nothing to do with the other person. When I ‘fess up that it’s a bit of jealousy – I deal with it by asking God to see the situation through His eyes – and try to consider all the reasons I should be very proud of and encouraging toward them.
Everytime you mention envy I think of when you joined myspace and noticed that one of your friends had like 200 and something friends on his page. You said there was no way he had that many friends nor knew that many people. After you made that statement, you said if we have a myspace page we should request you as friend b/c you would accept. I thought that whole rant was really funny.
Anyways, I don’t struggle with envy as much as I did when I was younger, but when I do it is usually related to creativity and passion for what you do. I have a good job and I’m good at what I do but this is not me. I sold out for money and now I feel stuck b/c I have to maintain a certain income. I have a lot of artist friends and most of them live a bohemian lifestyle and never know from one week to the next how and if their bills will be paid. I envy their creativity and carefree spirits, because I could never live with that uncertainty.
why, why, why must you ask such tough questions on a Monday???
* Do you cringe when your friends seem to succeed where you’re failing?
only the ones im jealous of. no, seriously, right off – yes, i think i do. but i am genuinely happy for them and more disappointed in me.
* Are you critical of others accomplishments, talents, and appearances?
i used to be real bad at doing this. like, unbelievably bad. what i have found more now, is that others accomplishments tend to propel me to work harder.
* Do you tend to look for the flaws in others hoping they will do less than their best?
i cant say i do.
* Are you secretly happy when a friend suffers a setback?
no. not at all.
@Tam, Sorry to make you reflect on your heart so deeply on a Monday!!
I can honestly say I do not struggle with envy like I did in my 20′s. Since then I have been over a few happy bridges, climbed some rocky mountains, and been thru some deep valleys. All figuratively speaking , of course.
We all have our greatness about us. We all have our own crosses to bear. Some are able to hide them better than others. Take the time to talk to them and you will learn their perfect life is not perfect.
My husband suffered with this badly and still does on occassion. Drives me batty. I try to get him to understand our mistake when something does not turn out like we had hoped. And rather than envy someone try to learn from their success. Gets you further and its alot less stressful!
I try not to be envious but I am very competitive so sometimes it happens.
It usually only happens with those that I am not “friends” with. People I do not tend to respect.
When they succeed it drives me crazy especially if they are not really good people.
With my friends…I love when they succeed. I try to learn how, what and why so I can hopefully mimic it and celebrate again.
I’m glad I stopped back today. There are a lot of great suggestions here for getting out of the envy mood and into the gratitude groove. I especially like Robin’s idea (Post #6).
God seems to have put me in a path of “decrease” for the past several years. I’m told that my decisions are “bad career moves” or “not good for my family” but living in the inner-city and loving poor, hurting, people had done miracles in and through my life.
No one, probably, has envy for my life…
I’ve received one of God’s greatest gifts in return: contentment.
let’s be honest – God blesses some people more than others and at different times. when it’s not me, i struggle with that. i like the concept of grace (especially if it comes cheap), but I still sit there waiting for my treat once i do something half decent. and when my treat isn’t handed out when i expect or how i expect, well it ain’t pretty. and even worse, when he gives it to someone who is clearly not as “good” as i, well, then i begin to doubt what this God of ours is really up to… or if he’s even there at all… it, indeed, is a sickness.
Ok, I’m good at remembering bible stories but I’m not good at quoting or telling where it came from, so bear with me. There is a story somewhere in the bible that talks about a man who needed to harvest his crops. He got people to work for him and they agreed to a wage for the day. As the day went on he hired a few more groups of people that obviously didn’t put in as many hours as the first group. At the end of the day he paid them all the exact same wage and the first group felt cheated. The lesson was that they had gotten everything they had agreed to, but only felt cheated when they compared their earnings to others who didn’t work as hard or as long.
That story clicked for me and changed my perspective on envy. It was the idea that none of us DESERVE more, no matter how hard we work. For the first 20-some years of my life I worked really hard and felt I deserved all that I had earned, and then my health stripped away all the possibilities I had worked for. But now I get that I wasn’t doing those things to work toward something or to be better than others… I was doing those things because in the moment they served a purpose and brought joy.
If I compare my life to all of my friends, I have nothing. But when I focus on their successes and their joys and their blessings, I literally get just as much joy and blessings from it as they do. I live vicariously through them instead of in competition with them and that brings me more joy and contentment than I can express. When envy creeps in now, as it always does, I can see it for what it is and it fades quickly because experience has taught me how much better the joy feels… and how that joy spreads from me to my friends and back again.
Pete: As a pastor I knew that I needed to guard against envy & jealousy. I knew they would destroy a person if allowed to fester. I found myself resenting colleagues who advanced because of “who they knew.” I was not in any inner circle and so I stayed on the outskirts while many of them got the cushy churches and moved on up to better paying positions. I finally had to give that type of thinking up because if I allowed it to continue it would eat me alive. I can now see each step allowed by God in me being a pastor at a specific church for a specific time. I think as long as I live in the flesh I will always fight that desire to me “known.” But I am known…to God and to my family. That is enough. Good post.
I wasn’t going to comment until I saw my favorite buddy Wally the Green Monster actually load up on the picture!!! (Yup, still have dial up!!) Go Sox!!
Envy is a hard one. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in it. I certainly have my days where I do, especially to do with my kids. I want only the best for them and so I find myself feeling envious when someone’s else’s are better behaved or smarter etc.
But then I try and remember all the blessings I have too. And there are plenty
!!
I do not find myself jealous when my friends succeed or wish for them to experience set backs. I support my friends and love to see people get ahead, especially my friends. BUT! If I see something in someone else, I like to think that I also have the same defect of charachter, that it’s a reflection of myself. Sort of a “you spot it you got it” sort of thing. If I don’t like someone in someone, it’s usually because I am not comfortable with that part of myself.
Honestly, I usually wish the ones close to me and my friends succeed and are happy that way I dont have to listen to them whine or gripe or get into the PMS(poor me syndrome). I am more afraid of them clinging to me and becoming needy than I am of envying them. The only place where I really feel envy is when I see women(most women I dont know) around my age actually fit into and feel comfortable in clothes I wish I could wear and feel comfortable in, when they are completely calm where I feel I would have broken down. Poise and Elegance, now that makes me feel Envy mostly because I dont think I have it.
Oh wow………… ya know, I don’t really envy anyone. That is a honest answer. I may not be as pretty, or as thin, or as wealthy, or as wise as some others, but I’m not them and they are not me. God loves me for me, not for what I am not. I make the most of what he has blessed me with in this life.
TOTALLY agree that we tend to envy those closest to us. I always envy this girl who has the BEST clothes. WHY?? No idea. Just do. And, she’s always the “put together” type. And, she can run circles around me. So….I envy her in 101 different ways. Do we ever grow up and move past that?? I sure hope so.
To be honest, I do this a lot. And I have a great friend who confronts me with it when I do. Authentic friends are great, aren’t they? They say directly to you what you need to hear – not what I want to hear. It reminds me to go before the Lord and ask Him to search my heart and then hold what He sees to a mirror so that I can see it, too. Without jealousy. Without envy. Without the comparison game.
I have an 11-year old vehicle. Most of my friends have cars that are new or newer than mine. I insist inwardly that I am okay with it. Yet, I lust for the leather, tempted with the tan seats. Looks of envy when I see a Sirius satellite radio and all I have is AM/FM radio and a non-working CD player.
Envy is awful. I try to work on it and yet am bombarded with all that I don’t have. Today. Everyday. Why does it bother me?
Less and less I struggle with it when I am reminded that God has provided me with adequate shelter, food. and transportation. What else do I need? Many have far less than I.
Today I gave a ride to a person without a car. Without family. Without much of anything. I felt privileged to have a vehicle. Today.
Oh yea… I have been chatting with God on this one. Nothing major but when my best friend gets the concept or the life lesson God is teaching with ease and I have to repeat the lesson. The green eye monster will show just his head and I have to send it home again. She learns the lesson so easy, its my own doing that I dont… Like the picture
I read “It came from within” to my boys a few months ago – nice bedtime reading.
For me envy is dealt with by asking myself … “If that were me, how would I want to be treated.” Sounds simple but seems to keep me on the encouraging end of the stick.
I like to call this ‘Psalm 73′ syndrome – why is that God blesses others and not me.
For me, I have to take it to God, and actively try and bless the person that I’m so envious of in whatever way I can.
i try to see God’s provision in all our troubles. but it is so HARD. i just lost my job, the one i loved the most and we honestly don’t know how we’re gonna make ends meet. AGAIN. in our 5 year marriage, we’ve had so many catastrophes, financial crap-outs (that’s a word i think i just invented) and just bad luck. just when we get a tad ahead or just “stable” then the bottom seems to fall out. the things we are great at, smart at, and even have experience at don’t seem to be enough alot of the time, and i envy those other newlyweds or young couples that seem to have the perfect job, ministry situation, great friends, community, and good decisions, and the white picket fence with the house right out of school that we don’t. i’m still trying to figure out how to be content with what i have and praise God in the storm everyday.
Pete, this is a great post…and one that prompts some serious internal review. I wanted to add to the commentary a lesson that I luckily learned early on in my young-adult hood: It seems to me that almost every time I was determined to dislike someone, the reasons I disliked them were almost exact duplicate traits of what I disliked in myself. So, how to overcome this sort of intolerance? I learned to love myself more, and take personal responsibility to work on changing those things I saw in myself as character flaws. But most importantly…I learned to love myself more by submitting to God, and opened my eyes to try and see myself as His daughter and how He sees me. Lo and behold, what happened? Through learning to love myself and respect my spirit as He does, understanding more about how precious I am to him, I became more tolerant of other people…because I began to see them in that same light: as precious children of our Heavenly Father. In correlation directly with the envy issue you have addressed, charity stems from humility and the ability and desire to submit ourselves to His will for us. It is necessary for us to understand and become content with our individual plans and the paths we are on, and in so doing we will find greater peace within our lives. Envy is the direct product, in my opinion, of not recognizing who we are and trusting the Lord’s will for us and our peers.
Thanks for another poignant post.
Great questions.
Last year the husband of a friend of mine hit the career jackpot. He made enough money on one deal to pay off their debt and put a down payment on a bigger house (which they needed, btw). I started to get really jealous. God stopped me and helped me to be happy for them. I grew to understand that God’s plan for them is just that “His” plan for them. A few months later she found out her husband had been having an affair with another woman for 10 months.
No thanks. I’ll take my burdens, you can have yours.
The grass is always greener, right?
Heidi Reed
@KJ, There was a lot of wisdom in your response.
I get caught envying people who seem to have easy lives, ones where nothing major ever goes wrong. I think I got all of theirs! but then I step back and think about how God has and continues to uses me and all the tough times I’ve gone through to connect with others. The envy tends to fade when I put it all in perspective.
I just don’t like the Green Monster…because he is part of the Red Sox….it’s enough of a reason. The picture of him made me angry, although I feel as though it’s a similar anger Jesus had when he threw the tables over in the temple. Jesus doesn’t like the Red Sox either.
There is envy, and then there is just not liking somebody. Neither one is godly, I understand that.
When I envy someone, I want to be her friend! I admire her. I want to hang around that person because I am amazed at how she handles life, or has the gift of hospitality, or talks to her kids! I have learned a lot from these people, but I have no idea why they would want to hang around me. {Maybe they don’t, but they are just too nice or too godly to ditch me!}
I have met people that for some reason I just don’t like. I know that it’s wrong. Usually they have a quality that I have seen in myself and I hate, like awkwardness, or physcial unattractiveness. One woman I know is very distracted when she talks to me. I hate that, because I can be like that, too. {But not as bad as her!} She also requires her oldest child to do all the cooking and housework while she watches TV. Another woman wanted to go to the new organic grocery store with me and didn’t care that my 6 month old son was crying while waiting in the very long line. It just wasn’t convenient to hang out with her. Plus, she was very negative and complained a lot.
Let’s just say I have a lot God can work on for me and in me!!
GO Red Sox!!!!! It’s Soxtober~