My Heart is Heavy
Phil Elder, a native of Texas and former resident of Fort Worth, died Monday, Sept. 8, 2008, in Nashville, Tenn.
Memorial service: 10 a.m. Friday at Gambrell Street Baptist Church. Officiating will be longtime family friend, Dr. James D. Williams. Visitation will follow in Maston Hall. Private interment service will be led by Dr. Clyde Glazner of Gambrell Street Baptist Church.
Phil was born July 9, 1966, in San Antonio. Phil, a 25-year resident of Nashville, Tenn., was in the landscape and outdoor service business for the past 19 years. He was a loving son, father and brother and will be greatly missed. (read rest of obituary HERE)
I didn’t know Phil, but my understanding is that he’s been to Cross Point the past three weeks. I also understand that Phil decided to take his own life earlier this week. I got a call from another pastor whose a friend of his parents. He told me that Phil hadn’t been to church in decades, but a friend of his invited him to Cross Point a few weeks ago. They found several of our CP programs along with the message notes.
I prayed today…
God help me to remember how important every single Sunday is at Cross Point. Help me to remember there are hundreds of people sitting in the seats that are hurting and lost. Confused and disappointed. Questioning and searching.
I mourned today…
I wish we could have done more. I feel that we probably did everything we could with the time God gave us with Phil, but I still wish we could have helped him understand how precious his life was. I wish he could have seen that God had a purpose for him. I wish he would have called me or one of our staff to go grab a cup of coffee. I wish we just had one more chance with him!
I cried today…
I cried as I thought about his parents, Lloyd and Sue Elder. Dr. Elder was the president of the Southern Baptist Sunday School Board (Lifeway) from 1983 – 1991. I can’t imagine the pain of losing your son in this way. As a father of three boys this thought just overwhelmed me.
So today will you pray. Pray for Phil’s family. Pray for the thousands and thousands of people we rub elbows with everyday who are fighting depression, drug and alcohol addictions, mental illnesses, hurt, anger and so many other demons that seem to run rampant in our broken world.
54 Comments:
I will pray for the family. My heart breaks when I hear and read stuff like this. I worked in Drug and Mental Helath Counseling for years and have seen it first hand before becoming a Pastor. I know the pain you feel as a Pastor having been through similar things while in the ministry.
God Bless!
[Reply]
j4man
7:50 am
Hey Pete – I think maybe the pastor who called you lives across the street from me, as his wife came over and gave me the same news a few days ago. I think this is a good reminder to those of us in the congregation that we are not spectators attending the Pete Wilson Show. We have the responsibility to be in community with each other – to love each other, and to contribute to an atmosphere where everyone is welcome, nobody’s perfect, and anything is possible. God will give us all another shot to minister to hurting people this Sunday, if we’re open to the challenge.
[Reply]
Chris Nichols
7:55 am
This is well linked in a way with your post about “cheating on my wife” in that it is because we so often cheat ourselves, God and our friends and families with ministry, the internet, you name it, that sometimes we miss the pain and the hurt that people around us are quietly enduring.
Please don’t feel guilty. There are so many things that are beyond our control but God is still in control.
I am praying for Phil, his family and for you too.
Blessings,
ransom33 at http://www.ransom33.wordpress.com
[Reply]
ransom33
7:58 am
@Chris Nichols, You’re exactly right! What a great challenge!
[Reply]
Pete Wilson
8:19 am
Oh my goodness. My eyes are just filled with tears. I’m praying for his family today too. As someone who is in ministry in the church, we must never take our jobs lightly. We need to always be mindful of the hearts and souls that come into our “homes” each week. My heart hurts with you too.
[Reply]
Fran
8:34 am
wow- how sad, and heavy.
I am praying for you today Pete.
[Reply]
Cari and Michael Dugan
8:57 am
Thank you for sharing this, Pete. I’m going to take extra care this weekend to look into the eyes of the people at my church… and pray that if there is one that I might help, that I will be sensitive and bold enough to reach out and show the love of Christ.
[Reply]
murphy24p
9:06 am
how very tragic. how often we can so easily be oblivious to the unspeakable pain and hopelessness of others as we just come and go. Thanks for a heart adjusting reminder!
[Reply]
georgestull
9:18 am
My heart has been heavy this week too. My childhood pastor Jimmy Jones lost his 30 year old son this week. They found him colapsed with no pulse, rushed him to the hospital where he remained in a coma with no brainwaves for 24 hours before they removed the life support. It’s tragic. He had two anurisms that are thought to be drug induced (illegal drugs).
It is as if the enemy is beginning to attack by picking off those around us who are on the fridges.
Thank you for sharing this I will pray for the Elder family when I pray for the Jones family.
[Reply]
cbgrace
9:20 am
praying
[Reply]
tawny
9:20 am
My Commanding Officer when I served with the 11th Armored Cavalry in Vietnam had a mantra, “Stay Alert, Stay Alive.” I need to stay alert to the divine appointments that God orchestrates; as every encounter could be a lifechanger, or even a life saver.
[Reply]
Jack Hager
9:22 am
That is so sad. I also can’t imagine what it must be like to lose a son that way. Certainly will pray for the parents, and for you. Your love for people shines, Pete. I’m sorry you didn’t get the opportunity to grab a cup of coffee with Phil.
[Reply]
Jenny
9:23 am
Pete,
In my business, I often deal with hurting small business owners. One of the things I pray for regularly is that God make my public accounting practice a mission’s field and that He uses me as a tool to reach people. After reading your post, I know I need to make more of an effort to be cogitative of what my clients and prospective clients may be going through.
Scot
[Reply]
Scot Justice
9:38 am
Makes me want to look at each person I see on Sunday morning differently–they are not just anonymous people in a crowd but people who carry pain and who need prayer and maybe my word of greeting . . .
[Reply]
Robin Pippin
9:59 am
Pete, to look on te brighter side, God called him to come to our church and hear the messages. We gave him hope of the higher powers that be. 10 years without God in your life is unthinkable, however, knowing that he came to know him during his end time and is with him now. My prayers to you and his family
[Reply]
Gina
10:01 am
Praying.
I’m so glad you’re not so popular that you’re above meeting with your flock. I loved to read that you would meet someone for coffee. I know you’re a busy guy. But that really warmed my heart for your people, Pastor Pete. Good job!!
Heidi Reed
[Reply]
candidchatter
10:05 am
I’ll be praying for this family..
[Reply]
Adam
10:09 am
You just never know, do you, how your words and actions might affect the people around you.
Years ago I was in a discussion group with a woman who had helped me immensely by leading this particular ministry. We were discussing how we could “be Jesus” for others, and she asked who in our lives we felt had played that role for us lately. I told her that often when I looked at her, I saw the face of Jesus smiling back at me.
After that session, she pulled me aside to say that she had been feeling down about whether she was reaching anyone or doing any good in her ministry, and that she had been considering quitting, but that my remark had made her rethink her whole attitude. She is still active in this group over a decade later. I was stunned, really, to think that a comment I was almost embarrassed to speak aloud had meant so much to someone. And to this day, when I am tempted to hold back my encouraging words or my smile or my handshake out of the notion that they are probably not needed, I think of Mary Ann, and I offer them anyway. You just never know!
[Reply]
Jan Connair
10:19 am
This hits home to me as my husband is in a similar fight and has been suicidual for over a year. Thankfully he been hospitalized all summer and is getting stable. But what hits me is that we don’t know the battle of those sitting right next to us, it is about community. This summer my church family have reached out to me, cried with me, laughed with me, just sat with me as I wondered what would be next. I pray for his family and for Peace. I am thankful we serve a God who knew you friend and drew him to CP a few Sunday’s, I am thankful that you see value in each that attend. We need each other as we walk this road.
[Reply]
Kristi O
10:30 am
Thanks Pete for sharing your heart. Each sunday counts…makes me think alot…about what we do, each person we talk too….every thing about it. Someone is there searching for God, love, peace…hope. We’ve got to be ready to always give that to them!
[Reply]
Jennifer Griffin
10:43 am
@Scot Justice, I love to see people like you that run a business with eternal matters in mind. Keep up the great work.
[Reply]
Pete Wilson
10:46 am
PRAYING!
[Reply]
OCD-ism/Obsessive Christian Disorder
10:57 am
Praying, not only for Phil’s family but for all of those out there hurting to the point that they feel there is no hope!
[Reply]
Tanilan
10:59 am
So sad. So very sad.
[Reply]
Kath
11:15 am
I’m so sorry.
A guy in my high school class killed himself a few years after we graduated. I wish I could tell you he was a friend of mine, but that’s the problem. I knew him. We were in a play together. I was never mean to him. I just wasn’t a friend to him either. I know I was just a teenager, but when I hear stories like this it just hits me again that it’s not enough to not be mean or to not add to the problem. If I leave someone unaffected then I’m part of the problem.
It’s easier to say I wasn’t mean to him. It’s better if I realize I could have been his friend so the same thing doesn’t happen again.
Praying for you all today.
sara
http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com
[Reply]
sara
11:52 am
ive lost 2 family members very close to me from suicide. yes, i am absolutely praying for this family.
[Reply]
tam
11:59 am
I John 3:18-20: Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
I love this passage. It is a warning, an encouragement, instruction, and comfort all wrapped up together. Your reaction to this tragedy is all of these things as well. I don’t know you personally, but you appear to be a man who loves in truth.
Though there may not be anything you could have done change Phil’s mind, I have no doubt that if you had known of his need, you would have ‘cheated’ on your wife and kids, left the 99, and gone after him.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I will be praying for Phil’s family.
[Reply]
Anita
12:14 pm
beautifully said, anita.
[Reply]
sara
12:28 pm
August 16th was the one year anniversary of my Sister-in-laws death. She took her life and we were left to clean up the mess, literally. We would have never thought twice about her eternal resting place because she never professed a saving belief in Christ. But then, as we packed up her apartment in the days following her death we kept finding these little rays of hope. All of the TVs were tuned to Christian programming, the Bible we gave her years before was open to the Psalms on her dresser, and the roasary of her childhood was on her nightstand.
For the first time in my life I realized in my deepest core that salvation is between each of us and God. Salvation became deeply personal to me once again.
I no longer make “salvation bets” on others eternity. I pray that in Lisa’s final hours, as she was troubled and questioning everypart of her life that she cried out to the One that gave his life for her. Your mind is no longer your own when you are consumed by depression and feel like your life is not worth living.
Suicide is truly the ugliest way to go. It leaves questions that will never be answered, and hearts that willnever understand why our love was never enough.
[Reply]
April
12:55 pm
My heart is heavy for this family and Pete, I understand the burden you feel.
It is a shame that moments like these are what, too often, remind us to get to work.
[Reply]
brent(inWorship)
1:28 pm
Pete,
Thoughts are with you and this family.
It reminds me that being a spectator on Sunday is not good enough. We also need to reach across the isle and get to know those around us. Be it in small groups, volunteer projects, dinners or early breakfast before church, we can never have enough friends and supporters of each others lives. We also need to reach out during the week for simple things like coffee just to share and talk about our lives, especially when we need additional support.
There is a big lesson in this for all of us.
Prayers are with your church and this family.
[Reply]
Joseph
1:30 pm
Praying! We do not know who we are impacting around us at any given moment. Thank you for that reminder. It has also given me a burden to pray more fervently for my estranged husband. Pete, what a heart you have for those around you…thanks for sharing it.
[Reply]
Sheryl
1:39 pm
My 26yr old son lost one of his best friends about 10 days ago to suicide. My son is devastated. He lost a good friend and the young man’s family lost a son, brother and uncle. He was very bright and very much loved. I wish he had known just how much. And yes, I mean by God, as well as his earthly family.
I’m praying for everyone who has a heavy heart.
[Reply]
Brenda
1:52 pm
http://bluefairy.weebly.com/
aha:)
[Reply]
fairy
2:36 pm
Pete . . . man. This seriously kills me. Why God why? His family and your families are in my prayers. May God bring peace and joy where there is pain. Healing where there is suffering.
[Reply]
Devon
2:48 pm
Praying… Jen from Cali
[Reply]
Jen
3:35 pm
Praying….did not know Phil, but did know his dad……we never know when we preach whose last Sunday this may be……ups the ante, doesn’t it?
[Reply]
Rob Edwards
3:45 pm
Ugh, this breaks my heart too! You just never know what is happening in the lives of individuals we interact with each day. Praying for this family…
[Reply]
Jenni Catron
3:54 pm
Prayed just now.
You know…this made me pause…
Pete, I’m sure he would have felt your sincerity.
I was just musing about how you and Jim Drake reached out to me when I was first blogging and how much it meant to me.
It is those little moments that we reach into other peoples lives that do make a difference.
We do need to be reminded to stop and really look, really listen, really care…
Everyday, everywhere…
[Reply]
dorothy (vicar of vibe)
5:31 pm
The sweetest thing any wise person ever said to me about suicide was that any one of us could succumb to the temptation to commit it, and we would still be said. I remember also seeing a video of E.B. White saying that God would say to such a person, “Why didn’t you trust me?” May we all trust him today with all of our sorrows. He will work everything out. Blessings, comfort, and love to the family.
[Reply]
andrealudwig
6:33 pm
Oh, dear, I meant to type this: “Any one of us Christinas could succumb to the temptation to commit suicide and we would still be SAVED.”
[Reply]
andrealudwig
6:35 pm
Christians Christians =( Please feel free to delete my comments and I will try again with no typos. =(
[Reply]
andrealudwig
6:38 pm
Pete, last weekend we did a different type of “response” time at the end of the services and afterwards a young woman came to me to tell me she had attempted suicide that week. I panicked as I too realized that people sit in our services each week “on the edge” due to difficulties in their life. I didn’t know exactly how to handle it and have so much hurt over my friend who committed suicide 2 1/2 years ago. I understand that each word we speak has power and people are in serious situations. We talked for a while, called her counselor, and have kept in touch this week but it’s been a tough week for me wondering, worrying.
I understand how you feel and I will pray. The pain of suicide is something I can understand from at least a friend’s perspective. I will pray for his family and for you as you sift through all of this. I really do understand the “what ifs?”. Remember our story – we’ve all lookede at one another a hundred times and said “I wish I had done this differently, or said that, or been a better friend, etc.” We’ve all wondered if we should have had a clue it would happen. We’ve all questioned how truly and well we loved.
I understand and I will pray. My heart hurts for all.
[Reply]
Jan Owen
7:06 pm
this brings a new perspective to me as a greeter. i have a lump in my throat.
[Reply]
melissa1970
8:59 pm
The fact is that, as pastors, we never really know who we are impacting. We also never know how we impact lives as a whole. So, we have to always be ready to love people and see them as Christ sees us! Huge responsibility. But, you can rest in knowing that God is big enough to equip us to do what He has called us to do. I’ll be praying for you. This sort of thing is always tough….been there. Have a great weekend at Cross Point…
Peace Bro….
Michael<
[Reply]
Michael Robison
10:56 pm
Pete,
I read this post early this morning and it is still heavy on my heart as I toss and turn unable to sleep. I felt sad and guilty when I read of Phil, and a series of “what if’s” have flooded my soul ever since. What if Phil was the guy sitting alone next to me a couple weeks ago? What if I were a more active audience member who actually talked to those sitting around me instead of rushing to pick up the kids? Like the rest of us here, I want to help. I have listed a couple of my sleepless ideas below. Sometimes it can be really intimidating to make the first move when you’re lost and vulnerable, choking on the lump in your throat and hoping to keep in the tears as you wait in line to speak to the pastor.
1.What if we take a minute or two each service and have a “turn to your neighbor greeting/reveal?” Instead of having us turn to our neighbor and say “hi,” maybe we could turn to our neighbor and confess/reveal something that is heavy on our heart. This may be risky and uncomfortable for some but it may open the hearts of others and allow us to get real with one another.
2.What if one of the pastors led a prayer group at the end of each service? Before dismissing everyone, one of the pastors could invite those with a heavy heart to stay and pray.
Praying for Phil’s family and all of us at church and in this community.
Roxana Guy
[Reply]
rg
12:28 am
I pray for Phil, his family and beloved son.
Does god still give mercy to those who choose suicide? Why wouldnt he?
[Reply]
jamesftaylorjr
1:00 am
@james: I am no authority or scholar, but I will say I worried about that when the guy I went to school with (ironically named Phil) shot himself. I had always been taught that people who commit suicide don’t go to heaven because they gave up on God. I spoke to my priest about it and he asked me if I thought Phil was in his right mind when he did it. I said no, that I thought anyone who could take that step had to be sick or unwell. The priest then asked me if I beleived that Jesus would ever look at a sick person and reject them or if he would look at a sick person and heal them.
I have been at peace with it since then because I know that Phil is at peace as I believe he has been healed by Jesus, not judged by him. It’s me who carries him with me and remembers what I didn’t do then, and who I need to be for others now.
Like I said, I’m no authority on gospel and rules and church law, but that’s how I look at it.
[Reply]
sara
1:42 am
@sara- ty for the insight.
[Reply]
jamesftaylorjr
2:28 am
@jamestayerjr and @sara
I had a dear friend take her own life 2 1/2 years ago. It seems like yesterday. She was severely tormented by mental illness – a severe bi-polar illness plus having borderline personality disorder as well. She was also a wonderful, passionate, committed believer. I have do doubt she is in heaven, safe in the arms and care of God. Just like others have been made physically whole through passing from this life to the next, she was made mentally whole in the presence of God. I cannot imagine that God would send her to an eternity without Him because of a mental illness. Many who commit suicide are indeed suffering from some mental illness or depression. That deserves our compassion – and don’t you think that is what God feels as well????
I’ve heard the argument that she could not be in heaven but I don’t believe it because I know how fervently she believed in Christ.
We may give up on God, but I don’t believe He gives up on us.
[Reply]
Jan Owen
8:58 am
This is so terribly sad and such a reminder to try to really see the people I encounter as I rush through my busy life and to be in the moment with those I meet. I think people who are so lost really do not want to be seen and this is why we often don’t notice them, but we cannot underestimate the power of kindess and the impact this could have in someone’s life.
[Reply]
Steph
11:19 am
I am not a member of your church, so I apologize if this is out of line and feel free to delete it.
I was encouraged to see your response to this situation was to go to the Lord and have Him keep your mindset about the importance of every single Sunday. Too many times I’ve been in a church where hurting people in the congregations are roundly ignored and left to fall through the cracks because things become about the “service” more than the people.
I don’t know you so I’m not condemning you at all and I’m not saying that happened here (wanted to make that clear.) I just know that I’m struggling with my church right now because my wife and I had a miscarriage where we lost twins and no one from the church leadership on any level even called to see if we were OK. The pastor only talked with me after my wife called the church and demanded he do it.
You never know who’s hurting around you at church but if you pay attention you might notice the person whose head stayed bowed a little after the prayer is over or who lingers in their chair a few minutes longer than other people after the service ends. That person may be crying out for someone to be God’s hands and feet in their life but they’re hurting too much to walk up to someone new and say they need someone.
[Reply]
Jason
11:21 am
I am definitely not an authority on this subject, but I have unfortunately had some experience. My brother committed suicide while struggling with what I believe in hindsight to be mental illness and I struggled with the question of whether he was in heaven or not. Then, my mother, who definitely struggled with mental illness for most of her life (at least most of mine), committed suicide also. She believed in God and was scared of suicide but nevertheless attempted it many times in her life. She never got over the loss of my brother. The pastor that met with me after her death told me that he believed God was with a person at there lowest/weakness point and that is where she was when she made this decision. So I know that she is with God, and finally has peace from the demons that haunted her during her life on earth. I don’t have words to express the feelings I have had with losing them both, wondering what more I could have done…… I have never come up with a good answer to that question, but it is still haunting.
[Reply]
Tonya
10:52 pm
I have known Phil for over 25 years and want everyone to know that he was a good man. Phil was very kind, talented and funny. I knew Phil better than most yet did not see the depth of his despair. As we all pull through this together it is nice to read such wonderful comments and encouragement on your site. I ask all of you to remember the one who has been affected the most by the loss of Phil, our 12 year old son. Thank you for all your prayers.
[Reply]
Nancy
2:57 pm
2 Trackbacks