Today I’m making a huge confession. I’m embarrassed by this because I, of all people, know better. I’m cheating on my wife. I’m also cheating my boys. And the worst thing is… it’s not the first time.
I was looking at my calendar yesterday to discover that I’m away from home the next 7 out of 9 nights! Combine that with early morning meetings and at best I’ll just see them in passing over the next week. And guess what? I have nobody to blame. I chose it… I chose to cheat my family.
I read a great book a couple of years ago by Andy Stanley entitled “Choosing To Cheat”. It was life-changing for me. The premise of the book is that everyone chooses to cheat something. We simply don’t have enough time to accomplish all the things our culture tells us we need to accomplish. You’ve got a career, health, friends, family, church, a relationship with God, a house to maintain, a checkbook to balance and the list goes on and on.
You can’t do it all. So you have to choose to cheat. Everyday I’m cheating someone or something.
This week…I’m cheating my family. Why would I do that? Well I’m certainly not proud of the answer, but I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Today I want to know this. Who or what? I don’t have to ask you if you’re cheating. I already know you’re cheating. Let’s talk about who or what you’re cheating these days?
without wax,
Pete
Deciding to go back to work full time brings some guilt as a mother.I feel like I am cheating on Micah.
I’m cheating my health right now. My son was born 7 months ago…since then, I haven’t been able to run like I want/need to do…
If you look at it that way I guess you could say something is always out of balance. I look at it as you’ve got a bunch of balls up in the air…you need only have in the air what you can handle…if you’re stressing too much…put a few of the balls aside… then it’s simply a game of balance…keeping your eyes on them all the time…and enjoying your life.
If you look at life as if you’re always cheating something or someone, you set yourself up for a guilt trip, which I believe is not how I want to view my life…rather, at some point some things need attention, and at other times something else.
But always know what’s MOST important to you and be sure THAT gets most of it…
peace
This is still one of my biggest struggles in ministry. Balancing church and family is somewhat of a misnomer. I feel that I need to be unbalanced in favor of my family, but more often than not, they don’t get the best of me. They get what’s left at the end of my day. I’m trying to do better. Your post is another reminder…
Thanks man!
I agree with Barry. I think God gives us enough time to do what He wants us to do. Figuring out what He wants is the hard part. There are so many different people telling us what they think He wants us to do. Then I think He MUST want me to do what I want to do. Drama!
I’m cheating on God. He deserves so much more of me and my time. I want and need to carve out time in my daily life to just pray and be with Him but most of the time I find excuses not to do it. I want to spend time with God everyday, and not just 5 minutes.
I feel guilty everyday.
i’m cheating on myself. and i’m cheating on God.
I really think it’s all about priority – and most of the time, I get my priorities mixed up.
Currently, I’m cheating my family, because I’m doing stuff on the computer, for church, for school, or work……
I think mostly I am cheating on myself. I tend to put everyone else first (and while I know that is good) there are moments I feet drained and overwhelmed. As a mom, I have learned I need to just get alone time in order to be a better mom to the boys and wife to Heath.
My house! It is always the last priority for cleaning. I’m trying to be better at it, but it slacks. And I will be honest, sometimes I even cheat on God.
It’s not all the time, but it does happen more than I want it to.
I’m cheating on my health and I know better. I did great while I was on sabbatical. Now I can’t seem to carve out time and energy for exercise and eating properly. We were JUST discussing this in the car!
God. Prayer, quiet time, study of His Word, and worship often come last on my agenda, so when things get really busy, those things are cut first. I still pray (b/c no matter how busy I am, I know I need him) when I’m swamped, but I’m not intentional about anything else. Sad.
Humm…I have in the past cheated on my health and my emotional well-being. I think I have started on the journey to change that. All life is a process and we go through seasons. I believe, like one of the comments above, that if we are doing what God has designed for us to do we won’t be cheating anything/one.
@Barry & @Tawny, I totally get what you guys are saying. I agree. God does give us plenty of time to accomplish everything we need to accomplish. However, we have to be wise enough to get rid of the rest of the stuff our culture has convinced us we need to focus on.
Most of us never do that. So we continue to cheat the stuff that is really of most importance because we worship things other than God.
I’m cheating on God.
wow….i really need to read that book. unfortunatlly, i am also cheating on my family.
#1 as a wife who’s been cheated on … I beg you Pete, CUT IT OUT!
#2 as a woman who ‘tries to do it all’ … I’m yelling those same words at myself too. I’m cheating God by jam-packing my calendar so tightly that I have very little time for just hanging out with Him. I miss those times where He talks, I listen. Then I talk and He listens. Then I’m just quiet before Him while He loves on me.
I’m drawing a line in the sand here. No more crossing the line into BUSY BUSY LAND. NO MORE CHEATING. God help me.
@New York Mary,Thanks for the accountability. I agree, I need to cut it out. I love that we can sharpen each other here.
actually we just had a ‘lively discussion’ in our house on this sunday night… as parents of a toddler we tend to cheat each other and it’s no good. Ironic as always that what you post about is what we’re going through.
It’s just amazing how long this goes on without communicating it to each other. It’s just LITTLE things that make a HUGE difference. Why don’t we bring it up and confront each other on it and ask for what we want? If only we had COMMUNICATED it earlier. geesh.
that’s the way evil creeps in little by little — without even knowing it we were ignoring each other most of the day. So to get back on track we just wrote down some goals to change LITTLE things throughout the day. It’s amazing how little these things are. We constantly have to talk to each other because men and women are soo different – I forget what his needs are and he totally forgets mine – and they are such simple little things that create an environment of love & affection.
your willingness to admit where you are in real-time is unique. i have come out of a church of “pretense” and am looking to be in community with people more like the community you are setting the example for. your church can only be as far along the journey as you are yourself as the leader. thanks for the boldness.
Well well right now my house consists of myself and my dog and everything is ok.
But there was a time when I was in such pain and sheer desperation that I volunteered for everything at church, I was in a home group, and I worked full time. My kids, one in high school and the other in middle school, were also very pained but kids can go on and unless it is an occasional “flare up of tempers” it is not noticeable.
I probably wouldn’t have noticed anyway. I was all over the place trying to heal from a wounded soul, and I know if you don’t take care of #1 how can you take care of the offspring. I really believe I was doing the right thing. I should have known something was messed up when I was taking care of the plants at church…..I kill plants usually, my ex said he could hear them scream as I walked by…I believe it….so obviously God was protecting the greens.
There was a point in time when it all caved in and I knew I needed to be there for the kids as well as for myself. I couldn’t volunteer to the point of heal thyself. I couldn’t homegroup my way into and around relationships of potlucks, get togethers, and even devotions and prayer. I did need that and it was a foundation for when I did cave. It all was a foundation, so obviously I needed to experience it and learn through it so I could move on.
My Cheatin Heart will tell on you…hmmmI think my dad liked that song too. twang.
I’m cheating on myself. Since I’m cheating myself and not doing all I can for me…I’m also then cheating my boys, my husband and god.
I guess at the end of the day what it comes down to is prioritisation. Acknowledging that you cannot do it all and picking the things which matter to you the most and focussing on them.
As a lass who’s hubby only changed when I left him, it sucks coming 2nd place…especially when as his wife, I was supposed to be the half that made him whole, his number 1. I was often lucky if I made the top 10.
I’m cheating on myself….and God. I am so consumed with two negative people in my life that I cheat myself out of all the wonderful, amazing, positive people in my life that love and care about me. I cheat myself out of my own happiness because all I can focus on is why this person doesn’t like me, why they won’t just forgive me, why they hate me so much, and why this other person left me…I am cheating God because obviously I don’t trust God enough that he knows what he is doing. I am so obsessed with these two people because of, you guessed it, MY BAGGAGE!! The very same reason I can’t seem to let any of this go. I made a promise to myself when I got baptized I was gonna let it go. And I did for a day or two, but then picked it right back up.
I have to deal with this baggage before it completely consumes me.
uh, dude…cancel the meetings.
Pete…this post hits me in the gut right now. God has been putting this very thought in my head for awhile, including Andy’s idea to cheat the church. I’m cheating everything else, BUT church right now. I am cheating God, my wife, my family, and my friends. I’ve allowed ministry to overrule them, out of a sense of people pleasing and trying to keep the wheels on the church bus. Some plates will fall, and I have to allow a church plate to fall, before my walk or my family. I also need to learn the ability to discern what is my role and what I am called to equip another to do.
Pete, My wife reads your blog almost daily and forwards me the topics she thinks I would be interested in reading.
Although I agree with this blog and the serious side you are trying to address, I couldn’t help but to write and tell you my cheating story.
It was about six months ago I sat down next to my wife and told her we needed to talk. I proceeded to seriously explain to her that I had cheated on her. Well you can imagine what she was feeling inside, so I didn’t keep her waiting too long. I continued on to explain that I had been cheating with Hungry Harry. Hungry Harry’s was a local breakfast place here in town (it’s closed now)…and I had been going there each morning and eating 9 slices of bacon and 2 eggs. Needless to say, this was not on the weight watchers plan we had agreed to follow. I figured as long as I was losing weight…she didn’t need to know. However, the guilt was just eating me up
I have since ceased my bacon binge, but the temptation is always there!
Cheaters Beware!
Pete- that is my dorky husband. Yes I was mad at him too!! I couldn’t believe he would cheat on me like that! Especially with bacon. I sent him Anne’s bacon video she posted a few days ago and I could see him drifting back to his “significant other”. Sigh…what’s a girl to do?
The wife who as cheated,
Jen
I’ve been cheating on myself for my whole life and really just recently realized it. He’s given me many gifts, and I downplay them. I convince myself I am “less than” everyone else. So one of my prayers of late has been, “Oh Lord, help me to realize the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is.” Don’t know who wrote that little prayer, but it cuts right to the heart of it for me!
Wow! I’ve got to be honest. I’ve never really thought about how I might be cheating myself. Thanks for expanding my thoughts on this topic guys.
i love andy stanley!!!
this was an awesome blog… definitely changed my perspective on a lot… thanks!
I cheat on my husband by putting the kids first. I cheat on God by putting myself first. and I cheat on myself because of the previous two.
Cheatering sucks the life out of you.
@jan connair… that was great, thank you. I was sitting here trying to think of ways I cheat, but because of being sick and homebound, I have nothing left I’m supposed to be doing. I can’t go anywhere and am in too much pain to do anything, so I can’t let anyone down because no expects a darn thing of me. I have so much time on my hands I practically overcompensate making sure my friends and family get my attention.
But I do cheat on myself every time I tell myself that I have nothing worthwhile to offer. And I cheat on God every time I say the gifts I have left aren’t worth any value.
Thanks. Eye opening.
sara
http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com
I’m guilty of cheating my employers. I am very passionate about ministry-related things, always consumed with tasks needed to get done in regards to the various ways my husband and I lead at our church and I take time while at work to accomplish those things sometimes. I try to make myself wait until I get home, but I am just too exhausted at that point to be worth anything!
Sometimes I don’t like you very well Pete. You say things that hit too hard. Not having kids at home anymore allows some freedom that others don’t. Having a wife that has to work full-time also gives me freedom during the day. So…what am I cheating? I am cheating my reading and studying time by being on this silly computer blogging and reading and reading and answering blogs. It can be habit forming. Thanks for the good reminder Pete. And I really do like you.
I am with you Pete. I cheat on a daily basis. Mostly I cheat on my family. I put way too much importance on work or sports or something that gives me enjoyment (i.e. golf, fantasy football, etc.) Why? I wish I knew….
I also cheat my health. I don’t eat well. I drink more than I should. I don’t workout nearly like I should and I don’t know when the last time I had a physical. Why? I wish I knew…
I look forward to part #2—
depending on the time of day depends on who, what, or how I am cheating….
I’ve got that book, and it is on my list to read soon.
Some of my worst memories of growing up a PK was being cheated on. Our church had a school that I attended and there were nights where I was playing basketball for the basketball team and my dad was in his office working. It didn’t happen all the time, but it still hurt to look up in the stands and not see them there. Things changed one day and it got better, but it was not a fun experience as a young teenager.
I’ve cheated on my family both in ministry and in my personal hobbies. I probably cheat on them more now in order to carve out time to workout and to have time to exercise.
Doug Fields also has a really good book that Andy Stanley did the forward on called “What Matters Most” – It deals with a lot of the same premises:
http://www.simplyyouthministry.com/resources-books-what-matters-most.html
I’m with Tawny. It’s figuring out what God is asking me to do, as opposed to the expectations I or others put on me to do. That’s often how we end up cheating on God I guess.
I’m cheating on many things right now. So much has gone on that I’ve avoided dealing with and now it’s piling up. So I’ve ended up cheating on God, my friends, my work, my church, my family, myself.
And I’m so not proud of it. Just not sure how to fix it.
We will be reading this book in our small group this session! (Thanks for the plug) Our group meets every other Monday evening in Fairview.
@ncarnes, that is my worst nightmare. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that I chose the church over them
UPDATE: Brandi and the boys are meeting me at 5:00 so we can have dinner in my office for an hour before my meetings start. No the perfect scenario but a step in the right direction.
i do think that part of the battle is realizing you’re cheating. it makes me proud that you’re honest about “cheating” us. just the acknowledgment makes me know that you’re trying to make your schedule better and also lets me know how much we mean to you!
thank you for being willing to adjust work to give more family time. and whether you realize it or not, you’re a GREAT dad!!
I’m a pastor w/ 2 kids and (1) wife.
Good thoughts. I look forward to reading pt 2.
Kevin Cooley
Learn to say no to some stuff, but realise that God doesn’t want a proportion of our day, He wants the whole day. This doesn’t mean a whole day everyday of reading the bible, prayer etc, but make some time for this each day, and hand the day over to Him. Jesus rested often in His Father’s presence before doin important work, so that would suggest we also need to rest in order to be capable of working for Him. Of course this might mean that things don’t go ‘our’ way, but His way is best. I’ve been learning (slowly) that EVERYTHING is better handed to God to do what He want with. Hang on to it yourself & it’ll eventually go wrong. This includes money, possesions, family, friends, work, everything. Ask God to give the strength, grace, ability to live each day with His life.
Also, honesty is vital with God – He knows anyway, so don’t try to hide stuff from Him. I find I can give less than my best to my family sometimes, even when I have plenty of time on my hands. All goes to show that His life in us is essential.
I am not sure my post is working
First of all I know I have been cheating on both God and my family….I fill my time up with “stuff” that seems so unnecessary but I want to be that soccer/bible study/cheerleading/volunteering/working Mom…I am working on it though. But I also wanted to add to the discussion of Minister’s and their children…my Dad is a Minister. He was before I knew what one was. I didn’t know any different but I knew he was a busy man. He always had somewhere to be, someone to visit with, someone to pray for, or at the Church. He planned dates with both my sister and I so we were scheduled in….I made it sound bad by saying that but MY DAD IS MY HERO. I grew up knowing what a Christian Man should be, I grew up watching a Man, my dad, give his life to others just as God has asked him to do….and my poor husband has to try and live up to him. So thank you to those who have given up time with their family for the Ministry and know that one day they will appreciate you.
My family. My precious family!
ya know, i thought i had a quick answer to that question. but then i kept rethinking my answer. so a better question for me is what am i NOT cheating on.
Thats a constant fight here as Hubs is a trucker. He loses sight that even if the kids are older and have a busy schedule of their own HE still needs to be present HERE.
My one big cheat is my one hour a week to watch Survivor. I will not take phone calls during MY time, it is to be quiet for that one hour. Of course the kids watch it with me-quietly. More for the quiet-chaotic-free time than the show!! I feel cheated when its not on every week!!! LOL
I am cheating on my company. I am not putting in the hours to get it done right now…Nice wake up call.
And I agree with many…I think we are all cheating on God in some way.
Pete, I’m sorry to hear the you’ve been trapped by the mistress that the church cam become (meetings, schedules, people, budgets, etc..). I am the “poster child” for being seduced be ministry, but I am now reformed. For the past 12 months I have forced myself to look at what God is asking me to surrender. It’s been the hard and painful but also a freeing, enlightening process. It’s given me pause to realize what a precious gift my wife and family are, they are God’s most precious gift ever. My daughter will be 23 in November and I spent 10 of those 23 years building a great ministry but neglecting God’s most precious gift. I pray that God gives you the wisdom to balance your gifts.
@jeff, Wow! Thanks so much for your insight!
I cheat God every day of my life I say Im going to spend time with him and get side tracked or dont even do it all sometimes… Then I cheat myself, Big time… I dont take time for myself much at all and when I do I feel bad… I cheat my friends by not responding to calls, and emails. (oh Man I just got off the phone with a friend from back home to read this BLoG) Next I cheat my future by not setting myself up like I should to follow Gods plan for my life… Wow that all hurts A lot!
Ouch! So true though. We can get so rapped up in ministry and forget about our biggest ministry our familia. After God we put ministry first, when it should be God, then family… It’s tough, especially when you love what you do…But there needs to be harmony not balance. Balance requires taking some off the other etc…thats that. We gotta work at it.
Great post. Economists call it “opportunity cost.” I would call it life – everything has a price. Doing something will cost you the opportunity to do something else. I do, however, love how Stanley plainly puts it. Great leadership / time management lesson. Thanks for sharing. Great blog, by the way. I found it via Joe Gomez.
I am cheating on God. I am living in and feeding my sin. I am obsessing over this girl and I am totally focused on getting this next job. God is definitely being cheated.
All of the above.
daily blog ranking report
I have been cheating my family for last two years not exactly it can be a cheating may be they know about that , I have been going out for dates with my girlfriend without lettingmy parents know abotu that. But now I am relaxed as I had a breakup with her and now the relationship is no more. may god help me in making out right decisions in my life. Amen
Pete you are wise beyond your years in so many ways. This is such a wonderful way to check in and hold yourself accountable.
I wonder do you have an associate pastor at your church? are you the one and only pastor? I guess what I’m feeling now is you want to make yourself available to everyone and everything..you’re kinda like peanut butter or butter..soft but spread real thin…..
I will keep you and your family in my prayers so God can help you work out all the “details” to be more available and less like butter.
By the way, thanks so much for this blog of yours, I love the connection, If I lived closer or your church was closer I’d definately make it a point to attend.
Pete,
Thanks for the thoughts on this Pete, I had a week like that last week. I try to always remember that ministry has ebb and flow and when it ebbs I enjoy it and we it flows, I go with it.
Hey thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting! I would be it was a serious of clicks on other blogs that brought you to mine. We could call is six degrees to On The Brink….
Thanks for your ministry!
Aren’t you also cheating your readers by using that misleading headline?
I am afraid I have to agree with the last person’s comments. How far can one go to ensure a large number of people reading their blog? I am a Christian and the issue of cheating is a very sensitive one in my life too, and I was not amused by the misleading of the title, regardless of the fact that the content is very worthy of discussion.
The way to overcome our shortcomings and failures has to start by paying attention to how we conduct ourselves in the little things, such as this. That is just my opinion, nothing more.
Blessings,
ramsom33 at http://www.ransom33.wordpress.com
I’m cheating myself…I’m not taking care of my health the way I should. I’m cheating my kids and hubby for the same reason. I am so caught up with making everyone around me happy and comfortable I am not looking after myself! In the end…NOT GOOD!
I’m cheating:
First God because I don’t give Him enough time of my day at all.
Second my family because I don’t give them enough time either.
Third myself because I don’t take care of myself like I should.
About the only thing I don’t cheat (like you) is work where I give it my all. But being a nurse I have to do that while I’m there. I just need to work the other things out. Planning on getting there one step at a time.
Pete,
[…] It was life-changing for me. The premise of the book is that everyone chooses to cheat something. […]
i like this blog, it has jumped to top 100 blog now
I usually cheat housework, but that doesn’t bother me since housework is really mean to me when no one is looking. I am also cheating my youngest child (2 year-old at home with me during the day) because I am compulsively checking websites instead of playing/reading with her. Thanks for the reality check. Off to read _Guess How Much I Love You_, like, forty times today.
When we cheat, and yes we all do it in varying degrees, we are choosing ourselves in a selfish way. All behavior is purposeful design to fulfill some specific need. Some behavior will ultimately get you what you really want. Some will not. We must be able to define our priorities and recognize which behavior will truly fulfill those needs.
Indeed you can not do it all. So instead of cheating you must choose your highest priorities and sacrifice lessor priorities. There’s no such thing as cheating that is OK. The things which you think you cannot do, you must ask for help.
I’m cheating on my hasbend!I’m embarrassed by this…
I work in congregation-based community organizing and this job can be all-consuming. I am thankfully single so my time is my time or so I like to think. That’s why I don’t take much notice when two weeks go by and I haven’t stopped to breathe and look around. Truthfully, I am more a Martha than a Mary so I can confuse my time working for things after the Lord’s heart with actually pursuing him. I am ashamed to say I talk about him day in and day out in the context of work but I can’t recall the last time I sat down and actually talked with him.
Myself.
wow, this really spoke to me. i’m cheating my healthy. and im cheating myself. and im cheating my family. wow…im cheating a lot.