Unrealistic Expectations
I’ve got to be honest and say, I’ve had a hard time watching the Olympics. It’s painful for me. I can’t stand the pressure these athletes are under. I fear so many of them are under unrealistic expectations. While I’ve heard several similar stories, I just read THIS ARTICLE which illustrates my point. The article states…
Kelly Sotherton’s bronze medal celebrations proved short-lived when she was reduced to tears by her coach. Minutes after claiming Britain’s first athletics medal of the Games, Sotherton, 27, had to endure a dressing down from Charles van Commenee, UK Athletics’ technical director for the heptathlon.
He believed that Sotherton should have won the silver medal behind Carolina Kluft, the Swede who succeeded Britain’s Denise Lewis as the Olympic champion.
Give me a break! She just won a bronze medal in the world Olympics. She’s a champion and we should celebrate with her.
Maybe it bothers me so much because I know this isn’t just a problem with athletes. Maybe it bothers me because I know how destructive this can be in every day life.
Unrealistic expectations can destroy a marriage.
Unrealistic expectations can suck the joy out of your job.
Unrealistic expectations can sever your relationship with your kids.
Unrealistic expectations can burn out your volunteers.
So, where in your life are unrealistic expectations eroding at relational health? Who do you put unrealistic expectations on? Who has unrealistic expectations for you?
I think I have experienced unrealistic expectations from a couple of places in my life, my boss at my job and my Church and the number of places I have volunteered, I have placed them on me for thinking that I have to perform at both places. But I guess it was the fear of the “dressing down” that kept me going. God is changing that for me, slowly, but He is….
Pete, I think my biggest expectations are on myself. It started young. For some reason, my parents (especially my dad) expected far more from me than possible. My dad was my baseball coach for many years and he was so hard on me, much harder on me than the other children.
I think it still bothers me these many years later. However, I’ve learned that I can only do what I can do. That’s it. With God’s help, I know I can do all things. However, in my own strength, I’m limited…no matter what expectations are placed on me.
great post!!!
maybe it’s just me…but this was huge when kasey and i got married!!! there were these expectations i had of what marriage was going to be like…WRONG!!! and it did a lot of damage to our marriage early on…thank GOD for His mercy and grace, as well as for kasey’s…here in a month we will be celebrating 6 years of marriage!!!
Good post Pete. In many ways, I was the opposite of Steve. I exceeded expectations of my dad when it came to baseball. He was proud of me. I think he was disappointed when I chose to be a pastor.
But my greatest unrealistic expectations are the ones I placed upon myself…I was going to be a great pastor, preaching at a large church, seeing people come to Christ. I failed on all 3 counts (least in my eyes). The latter two never happened and the jury is out on the first. 
I compared myself to my colleagues and came up woefully short. My brother, who traveled for 20 years, even excelled in the church category when he decided to get off the road. I watched as he has had 2 churches that doubled anything I had. But I am okay now because I realize that God needs people who will serve the smaller churches too. I am enjoying my ministry immensely now and lo, and behold, watching God grow it!
I know what you mean Pete. My heart broke for the girl last night who didn’t qualify for the womens diving finals. I can’t remember her name but she is on Team USA and missed qualifying by “this much”. They were interviewing her afterwards and she barely got thru the interview b/c she was crying. Really, think of the pressure. They feel like not only are their coaches and parents counting on them but I’m sure they feel that their entire country is as well. Shoot, if you make it to the Olympics you’re a winner in my book.
Also, I know the book The Shack has received mixed reviews. One of the biggest things I got from reading it was the difference between expectation and expectancy. Instead of having expectations of people maybe I should try a different tactic. And I don’t know if I’ll make it make sense but I’ll try. What I’m trying to do is just be in expectancy of my relationships. Instead of expecting certain things, just be in expectancy. And looking forward to whatever will happen. Does that make sense? B/c then I’m not disappointed.
i think i have to let go of some unrealistic expectations for my marriage.
I totally agree w/tps and I’ve read The Shack TWICE and bought the audio… I wish I could give that book to everyone at the Olympics!
i put to many unrealistic expectations on my daughter and not enough on my son. Sometimes I don’t treat her like the 4 yr. old that she is. Even though she acts like a 9 year old I can’t expect her to be one.
As far as the olympics goes. I really enjoy watching gymnastics, but sometimes I just want to yell at the commentators. One little girl fro China was on the beam and all they had to say way oops, not good, sight balance check,thought she would stick that, etc. I was thinking to myself, not good? I would have broke my neck just trying to get on that thing!
I have unrealistic expectations of undisturbed sleep.
unrealistic expectations
a huge struggle for most of my life….
coupled with the lies that i have believed about not being worth anything, have led to some pretty rough patches.
the major issues coming in friendships….
wanting more from :a person: then they were able to give me (or willing too)
i have been called a drama queen and needy…..
i was those things…..(more the needy then the drama queen)
it took a long hard look to myself, from a different perspective (God’s) for me to see what i was doing to my relationships. i was controlling them, i was too afraid that i was not worth it to let things happen naturally. i was in constant need of approval and validation from someone, anyone. (lots of debt because of this).
God had to do a lot of work on me…lots of brokenness and tears….lots of lonely days during the roughest part of my life (http://humbledheart.wordpress.com/2007/10/17/in-the-depths/) for me to be able to see who HE was and what i was creating.
do i still struggle with this? yeah…to some degree i think we always will until we are made perfect and complete in Christ.
but am i in a place where i can identify the signs and catch myself before it gets too far? PRAISE GOD!!!!!
Did you see the girl who won silver in something track or field, and her coach wouldn’t look her in the eye, and made it sound like a silver medal was such a disappointment, and she’d only been training for 4 years! And sadly, the girl seemed she was just so used to being talked down to.
I, personally, don’t think I’ve had too many unrealistic expectations placed on me, I just may not work hard enough to fulfill them, and that’s on me, not them. I’m pretty good at trying to keep my expectations low on people, to avoid the disappointment!
I also worried about the athletes in the Olympics. Especially in gymnastics. Some of those women made comments like, “My family supported me when I gave everything up to be an Olympian.” I have mixed feelings about that and I can’t help but be a little jaded and ask whose dream they were really working towards. Working for your own high expectations is hard enough, nevermind working towards someone ELSE’S higher expectations.
My hardest struggle is trying not to put unrealistic expectation on my mother. She suffers with mental illness so I understand she will never be the mother I need her to be but that doesn’t stop me from putting those unrealistic expectations on her due to my longing for a normal child parent relationship, whatever that may be.
Wow! What a great topic. I think most people could write a short book on how expectations have affected their lives. For me, I think the struggle comes with leaning on my own understanding. In my mind things should be a certain way because I’ve done everything I was supposed to do with this or with that…so where is the payoff? When things don’t happen the way “I think” they’re supposed to, that’s where I get into trouble. I love Newsboys song “Stay Strong.” The lyrics bring me to tears sometimes.
When all you’ve been blessed with
Is not enough
Here’s where the ground gets loose
Here’s where the devils call your bluff
Have you forgotten who you are?
Did you forget whose trip you’re on?
I am a bit emotional as I am packing to come to the States and I haven’t yet figured out how to maneuver the “to and from” each year…but for me I battle the unrealistic expectation of fighting starvation and a disease that “we” have the medication and insight to fight. It seems like an endless battle that has no end and some days it seems like nobody really cares.
Interesting topic! For me, in soooo many way, life is ALL about expectations. Usually when I’m bitterly disappointed about something it’s because my expectations are out of whack. Did I think that by having lots of kids we’d be doing crafts all day and running through a sunlit field holding hands? Yep. Has it happened? Um, they’ve ruined or lost most of craft supplies and I’ve had to chase them through a field! But they’re great kids, expectations notwithstanding. Same with marriage, same with everything. Paul tells me to be content with food and clothes. And that’s it. Everything else is gravy.
I place unrealistic expectations on myself. Perfectionism. Trying to overcome it. Some days are better than others. Jen from Cali
It is funny that your post is about unrealistic expectations. This morning while I was driving to work I was listen to The Fish. Bebo Norman was on there talking about one of his new songs called “Britney” which talks about the expectations put on her and how we have all watched her fall. To me it was a pretty powerful song and made me think. As you said, Pete, unrealistic expectations are every where…not just in sports.
What a HUGE topic! thanks for making me think today!
Biggest…on my husband, Shan. I think he should be able to read my mind!! When he doesn’t know what I wanted …or can’t just know what I was thinking.
Kids…set the standards too high for them. that stinks.
For myself and my life! I know many times I’ve thought things would go one way in my life and that is NOT at ALL what really happens. It’s easy for me to get depressed…bummed….have a pity party. If only we would all search out God’s will and wants for us more than our own..that sure would save us from a ton of heartache.
Good question. I think I surpassed what other people expected for me. I did leave my safe day job to pursue my own jewelry design company – I did adopt a baby from the LA County system – I did not settle until I found the right man for me. I think at this point, most people don’t know what to expect and that’s kind of liberating at times – haha.
My problem is that sometimes “I” expect too much of myself. I’m very hard on myself when I do something wrong or take a step in the wrong direction – I work from 7 am – 6 pm and even then think I should have or could have done more. I KNOW that my business will be a success – but don’t ask for help. Sometimes, I am my own worst enemy.
I just learned a big lesson on the unrealistic expectations I place on myself (thanks @gitz!). I have Fibromyalgia, and it doesn’t pay for me to try to force myself to perform as if I didn’t have it. I hate that I can’t do the ‘normal’ stuff, but I am learning that it’s actually strong, not weak, for me to take rest. (Hey, God did it, and He even called a day Holy because of it.)
No doubt, when I place more realistic expectations on myself, it brings greater health to my relationships. I’m nicer, more approachable, and I extend more grace to others, which works out great for my husband and children.
But honestly, admitting that I can’t expect more of myself physically is still a difficult blow for me to take (almost thirteen years after my diagnosis–am I hardheaded or what?).
I don’t know if this is the right thing or not, but I really try hard to take any expectations out of my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t anticipate things or hope for things, but expecting things usually means I’m putting a burden on someone else to fulfill something… and most of the time they don’t even know it. I can’t tell you how much happier I am with my family, even looking back on memories that weren’t perfect, when I give them credit for what they did instead of what they didn’t do.
And I totally get what you’re saying Anita… being forced to give up your expectations of yourself due to illness or any other reason is very different than having the opportunity to let go of them on your own. (It’s like the difference between selling your home and having the bank take it away.) But either way the end result is the same… you learn to accept and love yourself for who you choose to be instead of what you choose to do. And I can say firsthand that it’s a much more pleasant way to live.
sara
http://www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com
I have always weighed down myself with unrealistic expectations. Being a mom of six and married to a trucker I always had more than my share on my platter. I would never let myself fail in any area regardl;ess of the stress it brought to me(us). I’m learning I’m one person and tomorrow is another day. Asking for help is uncomfortable but harmless at the end of the day!!!!!!!
Pete, I really like your daily posts. You make us think and feel. Love it even tho you bring up subjects that are not always kind to think on. Keep it up!
Hello Pete-
I was struck my your post as I just reflected on a similar topic. Oh– I see my post above there– since I linked to yours. It frustrates me that anything but gold is considered a disappointment for many. When is it time to celebrate and be grateful? What is particularly interesting about Sotherton’s situation is that she achieved a personal best. Somehow, that was overlooked due to the color of her medal. If she had achieved Gold but NOT done her personal best, would that have been better? I don’t think so. What are we teaching our children? As a Child Development and Parenting coach it is vital that we teach children that a personal best is what we are indeed striving for and that excellence comes in many more colors than just Gold.
I’d love for you to comment on my post and invite any of your readers to do the same. This is an important topic that must be considered by parents and educators alike.
http://drrobyn.wordpress.com/2008/08/21/when-bronze-means-second-loser/
Best regards,
Dr. Robyn
I’ve been on location shooting a video all day and in meetings so I’ve missed out on a lot of this conversation.
Plan on catching up tonight.
I will say that the biggest target for my unrealistic expectations would have to be my wife. I think I have set so many expectations that the best she can do sometimes is to get back to 0 with me.
I need to do some work there.
@pete: Ironically, I just listened to a great sermon from the Crosspoint archives where you and your wife talked about that very thing.
You should re-listen to it… it was really good.
sara
http://www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com
@pete: Ironically, I just listened to a great sermon from the Crosspoint archives where you and your wife talked about that very thing.
You should re-listen to it… it was really good.
sara
http://www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com
I have enjoyed the Olympics every night!
However, it is ok for us to question the score given to a diver or a gymnist, and yes I watch gymnastics, but it is not ok for us to judge new christians. I have witnessed, sometimes on this very site, people state their expectations of a new believer. We are in the seed planting business, people, Jesus is in the transformation business. Last time I checked the score for GRACE was a perfect 10.0. My imperfect and judgmental human mind didn’t even qualify in the preliminaries. After the life I have lived I will be happy to get a bronze from God someday.
I have mentioned before, most of my unrealistic expectations are placed upon me by me. Cutting me slack is not my first reaction when I fail or drop the ball.
Additionally, the Lord has been dealing with me strongly in the area of the expectations that I put upon my relationships to fill my heart and my need for relationship. I should be putting my expectations for fulfilling relationship solely on HIM, and letting HIM (depending on HIM) for the meeting of all my heart-to-heart connections. (I am a woman who desires strong deep friendships and I place a very high value on the relationships in my life – I love people.) When I expect humans to fill the need for relationship solely, I am cheating HIM of the intimacy that I need from Him and that He desires with me.
Expectations – big topic in my life right now!
I place the most unrealistic expectations upon myself. Especially when it comes to my career.
I also probably place some unrealistic expectations on my marriage. It is always easy to look at other couples and think we should have a bit of this and/or a bit of that in our lives..they seem so happy etc. Ironically these usually are our friends that end up divorced….none the less, I always expect our marriage to be the perfect one. Totally unrealistic.
Unrealistic expectations. Interesting, when combined with your post about living in community and what do you have the hardest time dealing with. Lately I have a hard time believing the best about anyone. I’m beginning to feel like House on TV: everybody lies. Maybe not that drastically, but my expectations have fallen way too low. I think it is time for me to set some higher standards for my community to live up to.
Pete,
I’m expecting God to come through – but I don’t think I’ll chew him out if He hands me the bronze medal.
I have some big, audacious, unrealistic goals for my church
I was thinking the same thing for these athletes. I feel so bad for them when I watch as they are crushed when they don’t get what they are expected to get. I was watching the diving the other night and the lady that was announcing was so picky. It was driving me insane. She was like Ohh. Her legs came apart about an inch. Oh I think she was a little bent on the entry. And on and on. Same with Gymnastics. I felt so bad for the USA girl for the diving. She was really young. I think she was 16. She didn’t make the cut for the finals and she was so upset. I felt so bad for this girl. I am the type of person that is okay with getting second place. I strive for the best in everything but if My best gets me the silver..that’s great! My parents never put to high expectations on me. They always taught me to do my best at everything and that was good enough for them. I am blessed.
Thanks for this post.
~Dani
It’s interesting, because I think my parents had fewer expectations for me, since I was the baby of the family. There was less pressure on me. In a way, I wish there had been more pressure, I sometimes wish my parents had expected more of me because then it would have sent the message that they believed I was capable of achieving those expectations.
Nevertheless, I should probably count it as a blessing, since I think my parents were pleasantly surprised when I exceeded a lot of their already low expectations.
I am late here. Whats unrealistic about expectations? They are very Real and it rules most lives for people from most all cultures. While having expectations does drive people to achieve a lot and become better people, I do think everything in MODERATION is key. I come from a place where having an expectation for the people in your life is a norm. There are expectations with respect to behaviour, education, language, morals, attire, faith, most anything I can think of. Else we wouldnt have all these subtle judgements we make in our everyday lives. I think Striving comes from expectations. Would there be failure and disappointment when we dont meet expectations? Sure, if you want to look at it as Failure or disappointment. But in truth all it is, is a lesson in how not to do or how to do what we do. We need to have a bar that is not so high as to not be able to reach it, but not too low so as to create an ambience of “anything goes”. Raise the Bar, in little steps so that there is a gradual building of what we are capable of.